Chapter 23

TWENTY-THREE

ZANE

The world’s not always kind to a bear, and they’re often at risk, whether from shrinking forests or curious intruders. Bears need safe spaces—sanctuaries where they can eat, play, rest, and get a break from constantly being on guard. After all, even a powerful creature like a bear deserves a place where he can be his true self.

—Bear Facts for Insomniacs, Episode 94

For the next two days, I carried around my newly confessed love like a locket nestled close to my heart. I knew it was there, Bear knew it was there, and that was all that mattered.

When I took the stage in Berlin, I felt like I was carrying a superpower. Not only was I getting ready to debut a brand-new song with Jude Marian on the world’s stage, but I was also going to debut my secret song about Bear.

The show opened with a popular singing duo—and real-life couple—called Aria & Velvet. The women were like a mix of Lana Del Rey and Stevie Nicks and had the crowd on their feet immediately. After they left, a solo artist named Kradle came out with a punchy two-song set featuring energetic choreography.

“You ready, kid?” Jude teased as we stood in the wings, listening to Kradle thanking the audience.

Jude Marian was the very definition of aging gracefully. He was a beautiful man, even in his fifties, and the silver threads in his brown hair only seemed to emphasize his good looks.

I still couldn’t believe this was my life, that I was getting ready to take the stage with a music legend, an artist I’d idolized growing up. “Is this real?” I asked. “Because I’ve been trying to act cool since we got here, but I’m not feeling very cool on the inside.”

Jude’s giant of a husband stood behind him, massaging his shoulders. “Jude has that effect on people,” he said calmly.

With the exception of reaching back to squeeze Derek’s thigh, Jude ignored him and stayed focused on me. “You’re the one used to performing. I never do shows this big anymore. What if I trip and fall?”

Derek scowled. “I’ll owe your daughter twenty bucks. Don’t do that.”

Jude finally turned around to glare at his husband. “You bet I would fall on stage?”

“I bet you wouldn’t fall. Complain to Rosie. She’s the turncoat. She’s convinced you’re going to do something to embarrass her.”

Jude closed his eyes and inhaled. “Zee, never have children. They’re the worst. They look so sweet and innocent when they’re tiny, but the next thing you know…”

“They’re young adults,” Derek said wryly. “With opinions .”

Kradle began to introduce us onstage.

Derek winked at me over Jude’s shoulder before leaning down and kissing his ear. “Break a leg, Bluebell. I love you. You’re going to be amazing. You always are.”

Jude turned to kiss him on the lips while I tried my hardest not to look at Bear, who was standing quietly next to me. I hated that he couldn’t participate in this conversation as my partner, and I wondered how long it would take to convince him that was the role I wanted him in.

Watching Jude and Derek reminded me that this was exactly how the two of them had ended up together. Derek had been Jude’s close protection specialist, and the two of them had fallen in love.

Jude and I moved forward toward the stage and away from our bodyguards. “Can I ask you something later?” I asked Jude quietly.

He turned to me with a look of concern on his face. “Of course. Anything. Anytime. I hope you know that.”

I nodded and gave him a smile of thanks. He reached out for a fist bump. “Let’s kill this. And don’t let me fall, or I’ll take you down with me to make it a bigger story.”

We jogged out onstage laughing, took the mics, and began our performance. Jude started with a heartfelt thanks to the giant crowd.

“Thanks to you, we’ve raised over two million Euros tonight for LGBTQIA+ youth around the world,” he said. “Thanks to you, fewer children will go without much-needed support of psychologists and therapists. Thanks to you, at-risk teens in our community will be more likely to hear a friendly voice on the other end of the line. Thanks to you, LGBTQIA+ kids who need food, shelter, clothing, medication, hormones, and any other essential needs will get it. And thanks to you, the youth in our community will know just how much we value every single one of them for being exactly who they are. This show is for them. Please help me welcome my friend Zee Barlo. Zee and I are going to sing a new song for you tonight if that’s okay.”

The crowd screamed and cheered their heads off while Jude grinned at me. My heart was so full, and my lungs felt like I could sing for days.

“Let’s do this,” I shouted, pulling the guitar around from where it had been hanging on my back.

It was a song we’d written especially for this event. Because both Jude’s and my schedules had been so hectic this year, we’d had to collaborate over emails, texts, and Zoom, but we’d finally put it together. Jude had arranged for us to record it in a studio in LA next week so we could release it by Christmas.

His idea had been to record it with as many big-name performers as we could gather and then donate the proceeds to the same charity initiative the concert was benefitting. Between the two of us, we’d managed to pull in a powerhouse list of names for the recording, and I couldn’t wait to meet them all in the studio.

As the chorus came around the second time, the crowd began to pick up on it and sing along. By the third time, thousands of voices joined ours.

You’re my brave, my light, my truth.

The world shines brighter because of you.

Stand tall, let your colors show.

You’re the brightest light, never let it go.

I sang with my whole heart. For men like Jude who’d waited a long time. For kids like Auden Salling who might never be able to come out. For women like Aria & Velvet who’d been out since the beginning but still struggled with prejudice and hate. For myself and all the times I’d felt like I wanted to help kids like me.

I was grateful to have a record label that supported me. An agent and manager who were on board with my goals. And now… now an actual boyfriend. Someone who was in love with me and who valued my career and my dreams as much as I did.

As the last chord echoed against the screams of the crowd, Jude and I shared a knowing look. This was good work. We were so fucking lucky to be able to live this life.

We went right into singing one of his songs together before I stepped offstage while he sang a solo about his husband called “Break Away.” It wasn’t a new song, but I still couldn’t help but glance at Derek, who wore a lovesick expression on his face. Jude was so lucky to have him. Derek was famous for going all soft for his famous husband, and he was also famous for continuing to guard Jude Marian with his life, despite his middle age.

I was here for all of it. The two of them had the life I wanted, and I realized maybe Jude was the one who could help me figure out how to get it.

Once Jude’s song ended, he introduced a popular German band and said we’d be back with more songs shortly. When he returned to the wings where I was standing with Derek and Bear, Jude walked into Derek’s arms for a big hug.

“Good job not falling on your face, Bluebell,” Derek teased. “I already texted Rosie, ‘so far, so good.’”

Jude punched him lightly in the stomach before reaching out to fist-bump me. “They loved it. Great job.”

“I didn’t have the guts to tell you this when we first met,” I confessed. “But you were an inspiration when I was growing up, not just for your music. Watching you thrive being out and proud in front of your fans encouraged me to be out from the beginning. I made sure I had an agent and a label who supported me because I knew it was possible from watching you.”

Jude placed his hand over his heart. “You have no idea how much that means to me. I wish I could say I should have come out sooner, but I can’t. If I’d been out sooner, I’m not sure I would have ended up with Derek the way I did.”

I shrugged. “Maybe it happened that way for a reason.” I wondered if the Ventdestinians had a point when they put their faith in the winds of fate.

“And now you can be that inspiration for the ones coming up,” he said with a smile.

As we stood together watching the German performers, Derek and Ryan moved off a few paces to talk about something security related. I didn’t realize I was watching Bear until Jude leaned over and spoke in a low voice.

“Does he know you’re into him? ”

I blinked and shook my head, looking anywhere but at Ryan Galloway. “What?”

Jude laughed softly. “It’s like that, huh? Alright. Crush city, population one. I got it.”

I scraped my upper lip with my bottom teeth while I tried to figure out how to ask his advice. “What if the city had a population of two? What would you do?”

Jude looked over at the two big, muscular guys standing together. Derek’s hair was more salt than pepper, but he was still stacked with muscle and the same height as Bear. Jude turned back to me.

“I would grab onto it with both hands and let everything else fuck off. Life’s too short, Zee.”

I felt Jude’s gaze on the side of my face as I turned back to the stage to wait for our cue to go back on for the next song.

After a moment, he reached out and squeezed my arm. “I’m here if you need me. Call or text anytime. In fact… why don’t you come to Montana and see us over Christmas? I heard you were going to be in Wyoming for an event there. We’re just over the border from Majestic.”

“Ryan’s from Montana,” I said without thinking. “I didn’t know you guys had a place there.”

“My family bought up a bunch of land years ago when the kids were little so we could all have a place to spend our summers. It’s grown into a bit of a family compound at this point. One of my nephews runs a ranch there at the heart of the place, and the rest of us either stay at the family lodge on the property or have built cabins or bring RVs. It’s like a cult… only our religion is mostly pizza, alcohol, and dick jokes.”

“And old-lady poker,” Derek muttered, walking back over to us. “Don’t turn your back on anyone during a poker game there, or you’ll lose your shirt.”

Jude snickered while Derek continued with a straight face. “And I mean your literal shirt.”

Jude turned back to me. “Seriously, though. We’ll be there for Christmas, but then we have a big family wedding weekend. So check with me about dates.”

The band onstage finished their song and called us back. Jude and I performed my song “Very Much Myself” together, and I found myself hoping that, wherever he was, young Auden Salling would hear about it.

When Jude left again so I could perform a solo, I took a deep breath and peered out at the huge crowd. “Here’s a little-known fact about me, but don’t tell anyone, okay? It’ll be our little secret.”

The crowd roared.

“When I come offstage after a show, it takes a while for me to calm down. So a little while back, I started listening to this podcast called Bear Facts for Insomniacs , and it’s a miracle at putting people to sleep. I’d apologize to the podcasters, but this is actually the point of the podcast. Anyway, if you’re at all like me, you might wanna give it a try. See if a bear changes your life like it did mine.” I grinned wildly. “In fact, I have a new song about a bear. It’s called ‘Sanctuary.’”

The band began the intro as I tried to settle my nerves.

Jude’s words swam in my head as my heart filled with thoughts of debuting this song in front of Bear.

I would grab onto it with both hands and let everything else fuck off. Life’s too short, Zee.

He was right. I wanted a life with Ryan. I wanted the world to know he was mine and I was his. After tonight, I would need to find a way to talk to him about it, to figure out how we could be together without being quasi boss-employee.

Just as it was time for me to begin the lyrics, I turned to the wings and caught Bear’s eyes.

And then I opened my mouth and sang.