Chapter 22

TWENTY-TWO

RYAN

Bears are actually brilliant problem-solvers. With their sharp memories and knack for figuring things out, they’re known to use tools, crack puzzles, and even open car doors if they smell a snack inside. But even the brainiest bears sometimes get goofy when they’re feeling the bear version of a crush. Imagine a smart bear who can remember every trail and scent suddenly stumbling around, distracted. Love makes even the cleverest bears a little clumsy!

—Bear Facts for Insomniacs, Episode 108

“Fuck,” I hissed under my breath as soon as Violet ended the call twenty minutes later. “Fuck!”

Lou shot me a glare. “You didn’t tell him about the other emails? What? Did you think he couldn’t handle it?”

“Fuck!” I snapped at the ceiling.

Lou stood up, shaking her head. “For someone who cares about Zane, you sure do treat him like he’s incapable of handling things. ”

I glared at her. “Are you fucking kidding me? I didn’t keep those emails from him because I think he’s incapable of handling things. I kept them from him to guard his peace! That’s my fucking job, Lou, to guard him in every way possible. What good would it have done to let him see them? They would have either scared him or enraged him. Either way, that wouldn’t have gotten us anywhere.”

“You don’t know that. Maybe there was something in those messages that would have seemed familiar to him.”

“Bullshit. They were the same stupid message over and over again. And if he’d been busy worrying over those emails, he wouldn’t have completed that new song he sang tonight. That man had a wonderful two weeks in Norway because he didn’t have this shit crawling all over him every night.”

Lou met my eyes with a knowing glare. “I could make a very tidy comment about something else crawling all over him every night, but I’m a lady.”

Heat rushed to my face. “How did you know?”

Her face softened, and she reached out to squeeze my arm. “I saw it coming a million miles away. The two of you are so into each other it’s disgusting. But it’s also kind of wonderful. Go talk to him, Ryan. Help him understand you were trying to protect him, but don’t—” She held up her hand to stop me from interrupting. “Don’t make it sound like you were doing it because it’s your job.”

I sucked in a breath and nodded. She was right. “Thank you.”

She leaned in and gave me a rare and quick hug. “And stop blaming yourself for this asshole. We’ll figure out who it is. In the meantime, I’m going to give you a little bit of unsolicited advice.”

I prickled at the idea she could know Zane more than I did, but then again, she’d been with him much longer. “What?”

“He’s going to try and act like he doesn’t need or want a protector. He hates being seen as weak, hates needing or accepting help from anyone. You know this. But what you may not realize is that he actually does need and want a protector. He does need help from someone, and that someone is you. Your job is to give him those things while also respecting that he’s a man with dignity and agency. He wants to be part of the team. He wants to help find this asshole and take him down. Don’t put that sweet man on a pedestal the way the rest of the world does, Ryan. He needs you to treat him like a regular person, not a trophy made of spun glass.”

I opened my mouth to defend myself, to tell her that I would never treat him like the rest of the world did… but then I worried that might be exactly what Zane would think I’d done when I’d kept those emails from him. I hadn’t kept it from him because I thought he was weak; I’d done it because he deserved peace. I’d done it because seeing him upset made me upset. I’d done it because I was in love with him… but Zane didn’t know that.

“Thank you,” I said softly.

She nodded and walked out, reminding me to replace the security wedge. Once I did that, I made my way to Zane’s bedroom door and found it locked.

“Zane, can I come in? I owe you an apology. And an explanation.”

I heard him moving toward the door. When it opened, he made his way back to the bed and threw himself under the duvet with only his face peeking out. He definitely looked angry. “I’m not skipping Berlin.”

I moved carefully to the edge of the bed and sat down without touching him. “No. We’re not canceling your Berlin appearance.”

His eyes widened slightly in surprise. “Good. But I thought… I thought Violet was going to get pushback from the label. I thought you were going to insist on leaving.”

“I told her you’d defy the label if they tried keeping you from this event, that it was way too important to you. And that it was better to accept you were going to do it anyway and go ahead and plan the security.”

He moved to sit up, still keeping the duvet wrapped around himself like a protective cloud. “You told her that?”

“Was I wrong?” I challenged .

Zane shook his head. I could tell he had conflicting emotions, but I also knew he wouldn’t miss the Berlin fundraiser for any reason. The opportunity to debut a new song with Jude Marian at the same time they’d brought a stellar cast of performers together to raise money for LGBTQ causes was way too enticing. He couldn’t pass up the opportunity to do so much good.

It just meant I’d have to wrap the man in impermeable protection and ensure his safety no matter what.

I took a deep breath and let it out. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the emails.”

“Are you? Or are you just saying that now because I’m angry?”

I thought about it. Was there still part of me that would be tempted to do the same again? Yes . I never wanted hate to touch him if I could prevent it.

“I’m sorry it hurt you,” I said, meaning it. “Zane… I need you to know I didn’t keep those emails from you because I didn’t think you could handle them. It was because I didn’t want you to feel the threat any more than you already did. I didn’t want you to be scared or angry or… frustrated. It didn’t seem productive. I wanted you to have a couple of weeks of peace?—”

“I needed to know the continued threats were happening so I understood the danger,” he said, eyes flashing. “By keeping me in the dark, I didn’t realize just how bad it was. Maybe if I had, I would have agreed to cancel the VIP reception. Or maybe I would have demanded to have you with me instead of with the royal family today. Or maybe I would have agreed when you suggested I needed a minimum of two close personal security officers on me at all times.”

“You said you didn’t want to look like a diva,” I said in frustration. “You refused to have guards on both sides of you because you thought that would look bad.”

“I didn’t realize there were four other emails, two of them within the last couple of days! That this guy was not going away. That he was frustrated he didn’t know where I was when we were in Norway. He said he would find me, Bear!” His voice shook with a mix of fear and rage. “And he did.”

I wanted to touch Zane. Every cell in my body ached to reach out and pull him into my arms, but I didn’t feel like I had the right to comfort him anymore.

And maybe he wasn’t the one who needed comfort.

“I’m so fucking sorry,” I said. The emotion was clear in my voice, too, and I hated it. “You’re right. If you’d known, maybe you would have agreed to my recommendations. But by then, I didn’t want to throw them out as evidence that there were good reasons for my suggestions. Ultimately, whether it was two emails or six, the threat was the same. And we should have had tighter security on today’s event. We should have insisted on a guest list limit regardless of what the royal family wanted. Noelle should never have gotten in. Apparently, she was doing media consulting for someone there. And we should have pulled you out of that room once it got so crowded.”

Zane met my eyes. “Do you think I need to be wrapped in bubble wrap, Bear? Is that what I have a personal security person for?”

I clenched my jaw to keep from snapping at him. Yes, yes you need to be wrapped in bubble wrap. Because you’re a precious fucking treasure. I’d do anything to keep you safe.

“No. I believe you could handle just about anything, Z,” I said hesitantly. “But I don’t want you to have to.” I clenched my jaw again. “I wasn’t acting as your personal security officer when I made the decision to hide those emails from you,” I admitted.

His eyebrows furrowed. “I don’t understand.”

“I was acting as the man who…” I swallowed as I stood toe-deep at the edge of a cliff. “Who wanted to protect you.”

Zane’s lips opened. I expected him to be angry, to tell me I wasn’t making any sense, but instead, he surprised me with a soft smile.

“Why do you want to protect me, Bear?”

I looked everywhere but at him. The words were a bell that couldn’t be un-rung. They would change things forever, for better or worse .

His smaller hand snuck out of the covers and slid into mine. “Why?” he repeated in a softer voice. “Is it not just because it’s your job?”

I glared at him. “Protecting you isn’t my job, Z. It’s my fucking honor.”

“Mm. Why is that?”

“You’re impossible.”

He opened the duvet and crawled over to straddle my lap, sliding his arms around my neck. His callused fingers stroked my neck, and he nuzzled my cheek with his nose before whispering the words into my skin. “Say the words, Bear. Please.”

In the end, it wasn’t a matter of making myself tell him but of allowing myself to stop holding back. Once I did, the words tumbled over themselves in their eagerness to be free. “I’m so in love with you I can’t breathe. If something happens to you, my life will simply… stop. I can’t… I can’t let anything happen to you, Z. You’re…”

His lips were wide with a smile, and his eyes were wet. “I’m your honey.”

I rolled my eyes and kissed him, cupping the back of his head with both hands to keep him there. After drinking my fill, I pulled back just enough to agree. “You’re my honey. And you’re officially not allowed to listen to any more bear fact podcasts.”

“I love you, too,” he said, still grinning wide. “That’s why I didn’t play your song today.”

I wrapped my arms around him and held him tight. “Make that make sense.”

“It’s too revealing. You would have known how I felt if I sang it. I didn’t want to come offstage to find I’d scared you away.”

That wasn’t completely accurate. We hadn’t been in a great place before the show, and I wondered now if I’d left him feeling unsure.

“Will you sing it for me now?” I asked.

He shook his head. “No. There are other things I’d rather do right now, but I’ll sing it in Berlin. And you’ll know it’s about you. ”

I kissed him again, murmuring my apologies into his skin as I pushed him back on the bed and proceeded to take him apart, inch by inch.