17

Bianca

I stared at the bricked homes as the black SUV drove down my street. Jager had insisted on calling a cab for me since I wanted to speak to River alone. I was glad to have this time to collect my thoughts.

At first, I was livid. I couldn’t believe my brother would have the audacity to take away my choices. Then, after Jager explained that he understood why River had done it, I wavered a bit. But not for long. He wasn’t my father, although he had taken on that role when my father walked out years ago. It didn’t give him the right to make those decisions for me.

Now, sitting in the back of this tan leather upholstered car, I rubbed my sweaty palms over my black pants and tried to decipher what I felt and what I would say.

I imagined storming through the front doors and slamming the door behind me, demanding an explanation. I also imagined packing my bags and leaving without as much as a ‘see you later’. None of those felt right.

The car pulled into my driveway, and I had run out of time.

“Thank you,” I said and climbed out of the backseat.

My heels clicked on the concrete pavement leading to our front door. The door was locked, as usual, and I dug out my keys from inside my purse.

When I walked in, the TV was on and the hockey game was playing, but River wasn’t in the living room. A waft of fresh tomato sauce lured me toward the kitchen.

River’s back was turned as he stirred the steaming pot on the stove. The image should have been soothing, but it reminded me so much of my mother that my arms went numb for a minute. I knew River wasn’t her, but I couldn’t help but remember all the times she threw her acts of service at us. She would remind me of all the things she had done and how little I appreciated them. Even though I could easily list the ways I contributed to the family, she never saw them. Or at least chose not to. So, River cooking dinner on the night I planned to confront him, actually bothered me more than it should have.

When he turned and saw me standing there, he didn’t smile or ask how my day was. “About time you came back home.”

“Excuse me?”

“Since when do you stay overnight two nights in a row and I don’t get a text from you? I know you’re grown now, but I’m still your brother.”

Oh, this man had no idea what he just started.

“Right. You’re my brother. You’re supposed to support me. So, why are you acting like such a dick?”

He crossed his arms and squinted his eyes. “What the fuck is wrong with you, Bianca?”

I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes. “We need to talk.”

“Yeah, I agree. Two days with Jager and you’re calling me names.”

“I shouldn’t have said that, but I’m mad, River. Livid, actually.”

“What are you mad about? I haven’t even spoken to you in two days. What could I have done to upset you?”

I crossed my arms and mirrored his angry stance. Then I held his eyes and with a controlled voice, I told him.

“You never gave me his note.”

He stared at me for a minute, then shook his head and laughed without humor. “He just couldn’t wait to blame this on me.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Did he tell you that he dropped you like a bad habit when I made him choose?”

“Yes.”

He pursed his lips and blinked, surprised that I knew. “He also regretted that decision and wrote me a letter the next day.”

“Did he regret it right away or did he regret it after he was arrested and thought he would never be free again and wanted you there to visit him in prison?”

“How can you say that? He was your friend!”

“Yes, and no one knew him better than me. He was reckless, and irresponsible, and—”

“And I loved him. It was not your choice to make.”

“I did it to protect you.”

“You did it because you didn’t want to compete with me. You took out the competition. Just like when we were kids competing for mom’s love.”

“That's a messed-up thing to say.”

“It’s the truth.”

He shook his head. “No, it’s not. I was not competing with you for Jager. And I never competed with you for mom’s love.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

My head flooded with past memories and my chest ached from the tears that I shed all those years ago. “You never told her that I had snuck out of my room to watch an R-rated movie with friends, even though you knew there would be hell to pay if she found out? You never agreed with her when she said I was being selfish for breaking up the family? Or—”

“But you did do those things.”

“You could have stood up for me instead of against me.”

“I took you in, Bianca, when she told me not to. And now you’re saying that I am competing with you?”

“Why did you take me in, River?”

“Why are you asking me that?”

“Did you take me in so you could control me? Know where I was, what I was doing? Is that why you did it? All along, I thought Lisa was the one who stood by Mom’s side when you’ve been her spy this whole time.”

“Fuck you.”

“No. Fuck you, River. Am I right?”

“You are so ungrateful. I can’t believe you right now.”

“Ungrateful? Huh. Interesting choice of words. It’s exactly something mom would say.”

My hands gripped the wooden chair in front of me and I was so spitting mad thatI thought I could break it with the sheer strength of my anger.

“I think you should go. You need some time to cool off.”

“Oh, get this straight, River. You’re not kicking me out. I’m leaving on my own.”

“Yeah, you have a history of doing that.”

“I can’t believe you just said that.”

“I can’t believe half of what’s coming out of your mouth right now.”

Arrrgh!!!

I stormed out of the kitchen anddown the hallway to my bedroom. Pulling out a suitcase, I stuffed it with clothes, makeup, hair tools, anything and everything I could fit inside because I wasn’t planning on coming back. River had crossed a line ten years ago when he kept Jager’s note from me and pissed all over the line in that kitchen when he refused to apologize for it.

It took me less than fifteen minutes to pack most of what I owned. It was sadly not much time at all. I’d lived nearly thirty years and had so little to show for it.

I dragged the suitcase across the foyer and grabbed my winter coat from the closet. River ignored me, not bothering to turn in my direction. He sat in front of the television as though I wasn’t even there. As though this wouldn’t be the last time he’d ever see me again.

Fine, then.

I opened the door, called a cab from the front porch, and waited ten minutes for the car to arrive. My foot tapped on the concrete porch while I waited. The breeze picked up, and I lifted my collar to shield myself from the wind.

I couldn’t even trust my brother. The one person in my life I thought I could depend on just left me here out in the cold without so much as a ‘take care of yourself’.

What had I expected to happen tonight? I thought he would apologize. But would I have told him I understood why he’d done it? No. I couldn’t imagine that scenario, either.

But this? I hadn’t expected to be standing on the porch, suitcase beside me, leaving my brother’s house having just told each other to fuck off. I hadn’t expected that at all.

Headlights poured onto the street, and then a car pulled into the driveway. I gave the driver Jager’s address. I didn’t want to be alone tonight, and I needed him more than anything or anyone else right now.

I texted Jager from the car and told him I was on my way.

A few minutes later, I received a text from Lizzie.

‘Oh my God, Bianca. Are you okay?’

‘Yeah. I’m fine, thanks. How’s River?’ I deleted the last part and sent the text.

‘I hope you’re staying with Jager tonight. If not, you’re welcome to come to my place. River called me. He sounds really upset. I’m heading there now.’

‘I’m glad you’re there for him. We both need someone to lean on right now.’

‘I wish I could be there for the both of you.’

‘I know. But I’ve got Jager. You don’t have to cut yourself in two.’

‘You know I would.’

‘I know.’

I sent a heart emoji and a kissing face. I knew Lizzie cared about me, but I also knew she loved my brother. My heart sank when I realized this may affect our friendship. I would understand if she chose to distance herself from me. I was used to people doing that by now. I guess I sort of expected it.

I spotted Jager waiting inside the foyer as soon as the car pulled up to his building. He strode outside with a big smile on his face, but frowned when the driver pulled out my suitcase.

Oh shit. I hadn’t told him what had happened or asked if I could crash at his place for a couple of days. This was awkward.

“I don’t have to stay. I can get a hotel room, but I just needed to get out.”

“What happened?” he asked softly, searching my eyes.

“We had a fight.” My throat seized, thinking of the words I’d said to him. Although they were true, I couldn’t help but remember his face when I’d said them. As though I’d slapped him across the face. Well, it felt as though I’d been punched in the gut, so maybe that made us even. “Can I stay?”

He grabbed my suitcase and my hand. “Of course. I never wanted you to leave.”

Standing next to Jager, his presence calmed me. My heart rate slowed down, and I felt like I could finally take a deep breath. Inhaling, I held the air in my lungs for a few seconds before letting it out in the elevator.

Jager rubbed my back as I leaned into his embrace. The warmth of his body through the black sweater seeped into my bones, relaxing my shoulders.

When we entered his apartment, I felt like myself again. “I don’t remember being that angry in a very long time.”

Bringing me to the couch, he interlaced our fingers and pulled me back into his arms. He held me tightly, blanketed in his embrace as tears fell down my cheeks. He caressed my arms, massaging my tense muscles.

“I said some hurtful things to him.”

“Mmm,” Jager said, noncommittally.

“But he reminded me so much of my mother that when I looked at him, I saw her, and then I saw red.”

I was so warm in his embrace that I closed my eyes.

“I hate how she makes me feel. I hate who I am when I think of her. I hate that even though I haven’t spoken to her in years, she still somehow gets between me and my brother.”

I took a breath, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. “It’s like there’s this shadow over me whenever I feel her presence in my life. A darkness that comes over me that I don’t even recognize myself.”

“Have you told this to River?”

“No.”

“I’m glad you’re sharing with me.”

“I feel safe around you. I feel lighter, somehow, like I can be myself and you won’t try to hurt me or throw my words back at me.”

He squeezed me tighter. “God, Bianca. You have no idea how much that means to me.”

“It’s true, though. Sometimes I don’t have the right words to describe my feelings and just use anger to deflect my hurt, especially when I feel someone else has hurt me first.”

Jager’s fingers circled my back. “Your brother cares about you.”

His words drew a lump in my throat. Although I didn’t agree with River’s actions, I couldn’t disagree that he cared.

“I’m so confused.”

“You’ll figure it out. I know you will. I think you just need some time to rest.”

I rubbed my cheek against his sweater and snuggled further into his arms. “Thank you for listening.”

“I love you, B. I’ll always be here for you.”

My body fell limp against his. His words slowly drained my anger and hurt feelings. I closed my eyes and listened to the rhythm of his heartbeat. It sounded like a signal of hope in a dark and empty tunnel.

I’d lost my mother, my sister, and now perhaps even my brother. But Jager was here, and I held him tighter, afraid that I would mess up and lose him, too.