18

Jager

Bianca’s sniffles stopped a little while ago and there was only the sound of her soft breathing against my chest. I waited a few minutes, ensuring she was in a deep sleep before carrying her to my bed.

I wanted to call River and tell him how much Bianca was hurting, but he had to hear it from her. I also wasn’t sure if she was ready to talk to him about it yet and it broke my heart knowing she hurt this badly.

I tucked her inside the sheets and watched her as she slept. She was so small, yet her hold over me was so powerful.

I also saw tonight how her strained relationship with her mother affected the other relationships in her life. And I wondered if I was doing the same to mine.

Changing into a loose pair of gray sweatpants, I walked to my computer to do some work before morning. However, every time I tried to focus on the assignment, my mind imagined telling my brothers what I was feeling. I’d only thought of sharing with them in passing. I never actually envisioned it. But tonight, I could.

With a sigh, I picked up my phone and stared at the screen. It was 2 a.m. It was late, but if I didn’t send this message tonight, I might never send it.

‘Hey, I know it’s late, and I apologize for the text at this hour. But if you guys are around in the morning, there’s something I’d like to talk to you about.’ I hit send and put down my phone. But I still couldn’t concentrate. I thought about deleting the message, as no one would probably see it until the morning.

But then my phone pinged.

It was Will.

‘Hey, brother. Let’s all meet at the office at ten.’

I inhaled deeply and put my phone down.

After a few moments of staring out the window at the city below, I turned back to my computer and got to work.

I researched Tagert’s brother's farm and hacked into his bank account. There wasn’t anything shady that I could find, but there was a lot to go through.

After an hour, it was hard to keep my eyes open, and I was surprised by how tired I felt. I checked the records for a few more minutes and then crawled back into bed. I laid behind Bianca, pulled her closer to me, and shut my eyes. I didn’t dream or tussle. I slept for four straight hours, and I couldn’t remember the last time I’d done that.

*

The smell of roses surrounded me, and my hands roamed across the smoothest surface. It felt like satin between my fingers and chest. Slowly, my eyes opened, and I saw Bianca’s smiling face before me. I smiled, too. “Good morning, beautiful.”

“Good morning.”

“What time is it?” I asked.

“Not yet seven.”

I groaned and closed my eyes again.

“This is the first time I woke up before you,” she said, her hand running up and over my chest.

“Mmm… if this is what you do when I’m asleep, I’ll just lay here and let you have your way with me.”

She flattened her hands on my chest and pushed me onto my back. Then she climbed on top of me, her hair falling on either side. “That’s not a bad idea.”

When she licked her lips, my dick stood to attention. It was like she had commanded it to wake up and perform for her. Unable to hold back, I pulled her face closer and kissed her until she panted for breath.

Moisture leaked from her hot center onto my stomach, and I knew she wanted me as much as I wanted her. My thumb found her clit, and I confirmed what I already knew. She was wet and ready.

When she lifted herself, my cock sprang forward, eager to be inside her. Slowly she sank back down, inch-by-excruciating-inch, until I was completely engulfed in her warmth. I moaned. “Bumblebee, you feel so damn good.”

She moaned in agreement and threw her head back as she found her rhythm. I closed my eyes but kept my hands on her thighs as I let every cell in my body go, gave it all to her, and let her ride to completion.

When she came, I nearly spilled myself in her. I hadn’t put on a condom, so I gritted my teeth until she fell forward, her cheek against mine. Her breaths fell rapidly next to my ears.

Pressing my eyes shut, I waited until every last spasm left her body. She wiggled on top of me, then lifted her head. “You’re still hard?”

“Yes,” I panted.

“You didn’t come?”

“I don’t have a condom on.” I barely got the words out.

She reached over to the side table and opened the drawer. I heard her rip open a pack, and I nearly hissed with relief.

She rolled the condom over my throbbing shaft and tried to get back on top, but I didn’t think I could be patient enough to let her control the rhythm. Instead, I flipped her onto her stomach and pulled up her hips. “You okay?” I asked.

“Yes,” she breathed. “Do it.”

Without another moment lost, I slid into her and groaned when I found she was slick with desire. I moved quickly, in and out, until I felt her legs shake. I pounded my hips against hers and she cried out in orgasm one more time and I finally allowed myself the release I’d been holding back so damn hard.

I dropped to my knees, panting, as she turned around. “That was a hell of a way to wake up.”

I laughed at the goofy smile on her face. I’d put it there, and I couldn’t remember being this proud of myself. Ever.

“I’m going to shower.”

“Take your time.” I dropped back onto the bed and pressed my hand to my heart. It beat like a machine gun in my chest, and I didn’t know how to make it stop. This woman had me feeling all sorts of ways, and I couldn’t believe she was here with me.

I was still in bed when Bianca came out of the bathroom, wearing a white robe. “This is fancy,” she said, caressing the lapels.

“It’s yours.”

She shook her head. “You don’t have to give it to me. I’m just appreciating it.”

Silly woman. Didn’t she know that everything I had was hers? The robe… the bed… my heart.

I watched her as she dressed, but finally padded off to the bathroom to shower myself.

Despite having had her only a short while ago, the thought of Bianca undressing in the next room made me harden again. But I had to shake it off because there was no time for another go around. I was meeting with my brothers this morning.

“Are you worried about us going into the office together?” she asked when we reached her building.

“I’m not coming inside,” I said, pulling into the circular driveway.

“You’re not?”

“No. I have a meeting this morning. But I’ll be in this afternoon.”

“All right.” She leaned in and kissed me. “Have a good day.”

“You too, Bumblebee.”

I waited until she was inside, then I peeled out of the driveway toward our office.

Western Security was the company Will started when we all returned from the military. He was right when he said we still all had that instinct to protect within us and it wasn’t something we could easily let go. I don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t have this to fall back on. It wasn’t about the money. I knew how to make money in stocks. It was about purpose. And life without purpose led to dangerous roads—like getting arrested.

I found Will in his office after scanning my finger to get inside the building. Everyone’s cars were here, so I knew the others were around somewhere.

“Hey. Thanks for setting this up.”

“You were the one who asked for the meeting, brother. You know we’ll come running anytime you call.”

Damn, that felt good. I had parents, but I never felt like I had a family until I met these men.

Jake and Christian were in the kitchen. Jake poured himself a cup of coffee.

“Morning, Jager,” said Christian.

“Morning,” I said, taking a seat at the large white table in the middle of the room.

Jake sat down first, taking a sip slowly from his steaming mug. “So, what’s this about? Girl trouble?”

Christian snorted. “Just because your girl ran from you at every opportunity doesn’t mean we all have those problems.”

Jake scowled at him, but Will laughed. “Oh, is that funny, Will?” asked Jake. “Well, at least mine didn’t wait until she was taped to a wall to finally allow me to help her.”

“No. She waited until she was kidnapped,” Will quipped back.

“As much as I’d love your advice on women, as it’s obvious you all know so much about them,” I said sarcastically, “It’s not that. Things between me and Bianca are really good right now.”

“Show off,” said Christian with a grin.

I rubbed the back of my neck and stared up at the ceiling. “Man, this is harder than I thought it would be.”

“Just spit it out, Jager. Don’t think. Just speak. What’s on your mind?” asked Will.

I sighed and rubbed my face with my hands. “I can’t sleep.”

My hands were still over my face, so I peeked through my fingers to see their faces. They were blank.

“For what? The last week?” asked Jake.

“For the last two years.”

“What?!” Jake and Christian asked together, but Will just watched me.

“How many hours do you get a night?”

“Three, maybe.”

“How the fuck are you functioning?”

I shrugged. “I take vitamins and drink lots of coffee. But it’s been difficult.”

“Have you tried talking to a doctor?” asked Christian.

“I tried talking to one, but it hasn’t helped.”

Christian nodded.

“I didn’t sleep for the first two months after we got back.”

I whipped my head around. “You didn’t. How come?”

“Because of Jordan.”

We all collectively bowed our heads at the same time. We lost our brother Jordan in that raid that went wrong. Christian was there, too. We all were. I just never knew it had bothered him like that, too.

“How did you get over it?”

“I didn’t.”

My heart sank.

“But every day I learned to deal with it. Come to grips that there was nothing more we could have done.”

My throat tightened as Christian’s words echoed my therapist’s, but coming from him, they felt deeper. He had been there. He knew how hard it was walking away. He lived with the same guilt as I did.

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to deal with it.”

Everyone was silent, our heads still bowed. I was glad no one could see the tears welling up in my eyes.

Will spoke then. “What we went through was horrible, and I won’t diminish any moment of it, but I’ll tell you something I’ve learned from the women at the shelter. Even if you’ve lived the worst day of your life, you know you made it, and you’ve come through to the other side. You owe it to yourself, and to those around you to live every day of your life as though you deserve it. Jordan was a friend and a soldier. He knew the risks, as we all did. He wouldn’t want you to hold yourself back from living. You’re here. You made it through that horrible time. You owe it to yourself and him to not waste any more time thinking about what you could have done and start living your life.”

The tears fell this time, and I didn’t stop them. “I have been holding onto guilt. Guilt that I had survived. Guilt that I could have done more. Guilt that I wasn’t worthy enough—why did I make it and not him?” I dropped my head into my hands and covered my face.

Christian put his arm over my shoulder. “You’re not alone, brother.”

“And you’re not less worthy than Jordan. You have people that care about you. There’s still a path for you, although you may not know what it is yet. Your journey isn’t over.”

I thought of Bianca. Was I meant to be here for her? Was she the reason I was spared? I wasn’t sure, but my heart sped up at the possibility.

Will put his arm around me, too, and Jake leaned over and placed his hand over my arm. Their touch moved me, and my face shook in my hands from the emotion. “Fuck,” I cried.

“It’s all right. We’ve all been there,” said Will, soothingly. “I can’t believe you’ve held this in for so long.”

My body shook uncontrollably, and I would have fallen over if my brothers hadn’t been there to hold me up. My therapist had tried to get me to talk about my feelings, but I only gave up the facts. Never the emotion. Never the guilt.

But sitting in this room, surrounded by men who had experienced and seen what I saw, knew what it took to live each day with those memories, and having their support—well, it overwhelmed me.

I’d never cried before and hoped I never would. But in that moment, the tears washed away so much resentment and anger in me that I couldn’t regret them. Even though now the emotion waned, and embarrassment crept in.

I cleared my throat. “Thank you. For being here for me.”

Jake squeezed my shoulder. “Always.”

I rubbed my face and dried my hands on my pants. My head felt clearer, and my shoulders lighter. A thought popped into mymind. “I think we should have a tribute for him.”

“A tribute? Like a plaque?” asked Jake.

I thought about the plaque. “I don’t know. Not really a plaque, but something.”

The room fell silent as we thought about it. “We should fund a program for lost veterans and their families. I’m sure Christina will help us get it started,” said Will.

“That’s a great idea,” said Christian. “In the meantime, what if we convert one of the empty offices into his? We put his name on the door and put up pictures of him with his family. I think I saw a couple on his wife’s Facebook page. We can ask her for permission.”

“I was always going to ask him to be a part of our business, so that feels right.”

“I love it,” said Jake. “He’ll always be here with us, not just in memory, but in tribute.”

I loved it, too. I thought about Jordan every day. Perhaps if I allowed myself to think about him during the day and acknowledge who he was instead of trying to forget about it and bury it, I could sleep at night.

“Want to help me clear the boxes from the office?” asked Will.

“I don’t want to waste another minute without him here.”

“Let’s do it,” said Jake.

Will slapped my shoulder as we walked out of the kitchen. I’d carried grief with me for so long, but now I felt something stronger—kinship. I knew we may not have blood to bind us together, but water could float a ship, and it was strong enough to bind this friendship and lift me higher.