32. Liam

I’m not dead.

That’s the first thought I have when I wake up this morning. To be honest, I’m not sure that’s a good thing.

I stumble out of bed, knocking over the bottle of bourbon on my bedside table. I don’t bother picking it up. It’s empty so it’s not making a mess. I go to the bathroom and piss but forgo a shower. Instead, I make coffee and find another bottle of bourbon to spike it with.

The intercom of my apartment buzzes. I’d ignore it except I’m the head of the Bratva.

I poke the button. “Yeah.”

“It’s Niko.”

Fuck. “I’m busy.”

“Like hell you are. Let me up, you moron.”

Fuckity fuck. I poke the button, unlock my door, and go back to my coffee.

“You look like shit,” he says when he finds me in the eating area of my kitchen.

“Thanks for sharing.”

“No, really. You look like death warmed over.”

“Why are you here?”

He sighs and takes my mug, sipping as he sits down at the table. “Jesus, is there booze in this?”

“Yep.”

“It’s fucking eight in the morning.” He stands and tosses my coffee in the sink.

“Hey!” Too bad I’m not together enough to stand up and punch him for that.

“I’ll make you strong black coffee.”

“That”s what that was.”

“Whiner.” He brews me another cup, handing it to me as he sits again. “What the fuck are you doing, Liam? Do you have a death wish?”

“What if I do?”

“Open the window and jump, because I can’t stand to see this shitshow you’ve got going on now.”

“Then go away and you won’t have to watch it.”

He sits back and crosses his arms. “Kate is doing well.”

“Who?” I’m such a fucking asshole.

“You’re a motherfucker, you know that?”

“I do.”

He studies me. “Why don’t you just go to her?”

“Who?”

“I see. You’re over her. Well, good. Then it’s not a problem that she’s moved on.”

My heart stalls in my chest. “What do you mean?”

“Not that you care, but there’s a man who’s shown interest in her. He’s good, too. We checked him out.”

I’ll kill him. “She’s pregnant.”

“He doesn’t seem bothered by that. He’s helping her set up the baby’s room. He’s an accountant and is teaching her how to better manage her business.”

Fucker. “Good for him.”

“Elena is sure there will be wedding bells. She’s offered to host the wedding at the compound. Should we arrange to send you an invitation?”

There’s a part of me that thinks he’s bullshitting me. But maybe not. Kate is a good woman.

“Why not?” I say even though seeing Kate with another man would gut me.

“The thing is, he’ll probably want to adopt the child. You’ll have to sign away your rights.”

It’s like there’s a butcher knife in my chest and Niko is twisting it back and forth, carving out my heart. “I’ll let my attorney know.”

He laughs derisively. “Okay, so if this pity party of yours isn’t about Kate, then what is it?”

“Just blowing off steam. Relaxing.” I sip my coffee. It needs bourbon.

His expression turns serious. “I’m worried about you, man.”

“Don’t—”

“Come on, Liam. What the fuck is going on? Why can’t you grab love?”

“And give my enemies a target? No, thanks.”

“That’s the reason? Jesus, Kate is safer in your protection than she is sleeping in her own bed.”

I shake my head.

He blows out a breath. “So keeping away from Kate is to avoid the misery of losing her? Of not having her in your life?”

I press my index finger to my nose.

“How’s that working out?”

It’s not, but I don’t want to admit that.

“You dumb shit, your actions have created the feelings you’re trying to avoid. Have you thought of that?”

I stand and go to my kitchen to get the bourbon.

“God, why are you doing this?”

I’ve never heard Niko sound so exasperated and worried.

“Because it’s all I can do,” I snap. “If you don’t like it, get the fuck out of my home.”

His eyes darken. “Fine. Fuck you, Liam.”

“Yeah, fuck you too, Niko.” I pour the bourbon in my coffee, taking a large gulp as my door slams from Niko’s exit. “Good riddance.” Except it doesn’t feel good. It feels like shit.

I drink enough bourbon that the day is a blur. I can see worry in Robbie’s eyes when he stops by to give me updates.

“Cherry and I are getting married,” he says in a tone that suggests he thinks it will perk me up.

“You’re not worried that your lifestyle will endanger her?”

He shrugs. “She knows what she’s marrying into. I love her. She loves me. The rest will work itself out.”

“A little na?ve, don’t you think?”

He frowns. “Maybe. But I feel like a million bucks. How about you, Boss? How are you feeling?”

“Like shit, Rob. Like shit.” I sip from my glass, now bourbon and water. “Congratulations. Really. If you’re happy, I’m happy for you.”

“Right. Well, all is well in Bratvaland today.”

“Excellent news. Keep it up.” I raise my glass to toast him.

He shakes his head in disgust, and I’m bothered that his respect for me is falling, though not enough to stop the downward spiral.

That night, Kate enters my dreams again. She’s so beautiful. So kind. So round with my child. Even in my sleep, I weep at her glory. But then a man appears. He’s in a boring suit. Has a boring haircut. He’s my version of an accountant. She beams when she sees him. He holds her, resting his hand on her belly as he kisses her.

“You’re mine,” he says. “Both you and the baby are mine.”

“No!” She’s mine, dammit. She and the baby are mine.

“Then you should go get her, you fucking moron,” Niko says, watching the scene by my side.

“I can’t.”

“Then she’s not yours. She’s not yours. Not yours…” Niko’s words continue like a chant until I bolt up in bed.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck…” I can’t live like this. I can walk into danger and risk my life. I can thumb my nose at the law. But am I brave enough to reach out and grab love? Grab life? Grab Kate?

I go back to sleep, hoping it will rid me of the urge to go to her now. Nothing has changed. I can’t give in to this relentless misery.

So it’s a surprise when I find myself sitting outside her house the next morning. I’ve showered. I’ve had plain black coffee. I still feel like shit, but hopefully, I don’t look like shit.

A dark sedan drives past and a few minutes later, it returns, heading in my direction. I imagine it’s someone who works for Lucy. Just in case, I grab my gun and watch and wait.

A moment later, a text sounds on my phone.

Are you sitting outside Kate’s house?

The car door opens and a man I recognize, Bennie, I think his name is, nonchalantly walks toward me with an expression that says he has no trouble killing me.

Tell Bennie to back off. I text back.

He reaches my window as he glances at his phone. I put my window down.

“Rostova.”

I nod. “Bennie.”

“Just checking.”

I think it’s occurred to him that I’m big shit in the world and he doesn’t want to fuck with me.

“Glad you are.”

He salutes me and heads back to his car, then drives away, although I know he’s not far.

I continue to sit in the car because I’m all the words Niko tossed at me. Dumbass. Moron. Coward. This is idiocy. But each time I go to turn on my car, my heart thumps hard, like it has a mind of its own and it wants to suffer another break by having Kate tell me to take a hike.

But I can’t live like this anymore, so I exit my car and walk up to her door. The home is nice. The one-level bungalow suits her. And if she says yes to me, she can’t stay here. Isn’t that why I’ve tried so hard to stay away?

I take a breath and knock on the door.

Moments later, it opens, and my heart breaks open at the sight of her. She’s so fucking lovely. The yearning to hold her nearly brings me to my knees.

The door slams in my face. “I’m not going with you,” she calls out from behind the door.

Fuck. Shit. Damn. She thinks I’m here to take her for protection. “I’m not here to take you… I mean… well… I’d like to take you…” Fucking hell, I’m screwing this up. “I’m not here for protection.”

“I don’t want to see you.”

“I don’t blame you.” I don”t want to have this conversation on her doorstep. Especially knowing Donovan and Lucy’s men are watching. “Let me in, Kate.”

“No.”

Irritation flares. Doesn’t she know how hard this is for me? “Then I’ll break in.”

“I’ll call the police.”

“That’s a risk I’m willing to take.”

Her neighbor steps out of his house and eyes me. I note when recognition hits him. I wonder what Kate told him about me.

I wave. “Just a little tiff with the missus.”

“Kate’s not married.”

“Not yet, but?—”

The door opens. “I’m not your missus. I’m not your anything.”

“Tell me you weren’t going to ask me to stay again… that you didn’t want to be with me, and I’ll go.”

Her jaw tightens. “You know I can’t do that.”

“I don’t know that.” God, my hands itch to pull her to me, to hold her and never let her go. “I told you how I feel, but you never?—”

“You never gave me the chance!” She’s so beautiful when she’s mad. I’m smart enough not to say that out loud.

“So now’s your chance.” I kick myself for turning this encounter into her having to share her feelings.

“I don’t want to.” Tears form in her eyes, and I feel like the biggest jerk in the world.

I look down. “Kate.”

“Just go, Liam. I can’t do this with you anymore.” She starts to shut the door.

“Is it because of the accountant?”

“What accountant?”

“The one who’s going to marry you and adopt the baby?” I don’t want to murder an innocent man, but heaven help me, I just might.

“You’re crazy.”

Fucking Niko. I shake my head. “I must have gotten bad information.”

“Is that why you’re here? Because you think I’m with someone else? What are you going to do, Liam? Kill him? Just go.” She starts to shut the door again.

For a moment, I accept that I can’t salvage this situation. I can’t blame her. I’ve been a dick to her. But when the door shuts, my life will be over. Oh, sure, I’ll be alive, but only biologically.

My hand shoots out, stopping the door. I push it open and force my way in. It’s not behavior that will win me points, but dammit, she’s going to hear me out. And if I have to park myself in her house and plead my points, I’ll do it for as long as it takes.

“Liam!”

“You’ll listen to me, Kate.”

Her eyes are fire staring at me. “I’m not one of your men. You can’t order me around.”

“If you want to be my wife, you’ll have to get used to a few orders now and then.”

“Your wife?” Ha. She actually lets out a laugh. “I wouldn’t want to be your wife in a million years. And if I were your wife, I wouldn’t be a subservient doormat.”

“Good!” I lean forward, bringing us nearly nose to nose. Tension is sparking between us. Too bad it’s from hate on her side. “I don’t want a doormat. But I will be respected.”

“Respect is earned, Liam.”

I stare into her face. This strong, wonderful, sweet woman. I straighten. “Then I’ll earn it.”

There’s a moment when I think I have her. When I believe she’s going to give me a chance.

Then she shakes her head. “No.”