31. Kate

Last night, I had a firsthand view of what it’s like to be the wife of a criminal. I was in the sitting room with Elena who was trying to be stoic, but I saw she was worried sick about Niko. And it was probably my fault. Earlier, I’d once again barged into Niko’s office, demanding to know what they were doing to find Liam.

Finally, Lucy told me the situation. “He’s not where he thought he’d be nor anywhere we think Babichev would take him.”

“What about that place your father took me? That other Russian guy was there, remember? That’s where Liam, Niko, and Donovan were too.”

All eyes went to me, then to each other.

“He wouldn’t be that stupid, would he?” Niko asked.

“We should go.” Lucy was already out the door, with Donovan and Niko right behind. That was nearly twelve hours ago.

“I guess you’re rethinking being with Liam,” Elena said to me as we waited to hear the outcome. “This isn’t the first time I’ve had to sit and wait… and wonder,” she finishes.

“I just want everyone to come home safe.”

The door to the sitting area opened and Niko strode in. Elena was out of her seat and in his arms in an instant. Donovan and Lucy followed him in. I stood, looking beyond them for Liam, but no one else was there.

“Where’s Liam?”

“He’s gone home,” Niko had said.

My heart stopped. Was that a euphemism for heaven?

“God, Niko.” Lucy glared at him. “Not home like to his maker. Home to his place in Manhattan.”

“He’s okay?”

“He’s a little worse for the wear, but he’s fine. Fuck, I need a drink.” Niko scraped his hand over his face.

Like magic, Rosa entered with a tray of glasses and a bottle of whisky.

“Why isn’t he here?” I ask.

Niko downed his drink and then turned his attention to me. “Because he’s a fucking coward.”

“Asshole. You know what? I’ll go make him come back.” Lucy headed to the door, but Donovan put out his arm and wrapped it around her waist.

“Honey, not even you can make that mule budge.”

I sink down onto the couch. “He doesn’t want me.”

“I didn’t say that.” Niko pours another glass. “He’s not coming because he does want you.”

“That doesn’t make sense.” Elena sat next to me, taking my hand. “Maybe he doesn’t realize that you’ve changed your mind about the life he leads.”

Twice now, I wanted him to stay and twice, he walked out.

I realized that this whole nightmare was over. “Does this mean I can go back to my life?”

“No.” Lucy put her hand on her hip. “You’re going to go to Liam, give him hell. And if he’s still an asshole about it, then yes, you can go back to your life.”

By then, I knew what was what. “He’s made up his mind.” I didn’t want to cry in front of these people. “If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to bed.” I turned to Elena. “I’m happy everything turned out for you.”

“He’ll regret this,” Lucy said.

“Jesus, woman, you’re not going to get rid of him, are you? Not after what we did to save his ass,” Donovan asked Lucy.

“No. It will be worse. He’ll live the rest of his life missing Kate. Missing his child. It will be the pain he deserves.” Lucy gave me a hug. “But if you’d like me to punch him in the throat, I will.”

“Thank you, but I doubt that would change anything.”

The memory of last night plays over in my head as I have tea and toast in my room this morning. The pain in my chest makes it hard to breathe, but after a night of anguished tears, I’m done crying over Liam. It was foolish for me to fall for him, although I can’t regret it. Even with this pain I know I’ll feel the rest of my life, I’m not sorry for what happened. How can I be with this little person growing inside me?

When I finish breakfast, I shower and dress, then I pack what few things I have. I carry my bag downstairs and once again go to Niko’s office. This time, I knock, and he calls out for me to come in. He’s sitting alone at his desk.

“Are you okay?” The concern in his expression is genuine.

“I will be. I want to go home.”

“Maybe you should give a little time so we can make sure none of Babichev’s men?—”

“Liam will do that. It’s his sole mission in life.” I can’t hide the disdain I feel for him.

He studies me. “Alright, but I’ll have some of my men stick around for a bit?—”

“No, I’m done.”

“That’s non-negotiable. Look, I’m pissed at Liam too, but I made him a promise to protect you.”

“Fine. When can I go?”

“Donovan and Lucy are planning to return to their place this afternoon. I’m sure you can ride with them.”

“Thank you.”

That was two weeks ago.

When I first returned home, I felt out of sorts and considered packing up and moving. San Diego sounded nice. Or maybe somewhere in the Pacific Northwest. But after my neighbors reached out to me to see if I was okay and invited me to a block party, I realized I’m in a good spot.

Since then, I’ve forced myself to return to a normal life. I’ve kept the manager that Lucy hired for the shop so that I can easily go to doctor appointments and take some time off when the baby comes. I’ve started preparing a nursery for the baby, which I learned last week at my doctor’s visit is a girl. I’ve been going through baby books, making a list of names. I have a long list. Sophia. Eva. Innessa. Larisa. Mina. And a whole lot more. For a split second, I wonder what Liam would like but then immediately ignore the thought.

More money showed up in my bank account that I knew was from Liam. I considered refusing it or giving it to the policeman’s fund but ultimately put it into an account for the baby’s college fund.

The most difficult time of day for me is night. Lying in bed, thoughts of Liam invade my mind. Maybe I should confront him like Lucy says.

The worst is when he shows up in my dreams, sweet, sexy, and irresistible. By morning, I’m able to forget the good and remember the bad. There was so much bad, it’s amazing I even fell for him.

This morning, I’m having tea and yogurt with fruit, sitting on my back porch. I’m assessing the yard for a swing set. I know it’s early for that, but I love the idea of my little girl playing back here.

My phone rings, and checking the ID, I see it’s Elena. I go back and forth on whether or not I should maintain my friendship with her. I don’t want to get caught up in the messiness of the life she leads. Other times, I cherish her support, so I answer the phone.

“Hey, Elena.”

“Kate. Hi. How are you?” There’s something about her voice that tells me this isn’t just a social call. I can’t stop the worry that something happened to Liam.

“Good.”

“Hey… I hate to mention his name, but have you heard from Liam?”

“No.” God, is he missing again? “Why?”

She pauses. “Niko is in a state. He’s really worried about him.”

“Why?”

“He’s a mess, Kate, and we all know it’s because he’s not with you.”

My heart wants to feel warm and fuzzy about that. I tell it to knock it off. “He made his choice.”

“You could reach out to him.”

“He’s rejected me twice now, Elena. I have my pride.”

She’s silent on the other end. Finally, she says, “Do you know Liam’s history?”

“I know he grew up in the Bratva, left to be in the FBI, and then took over the Bratva.”

“Did he tell you about his parents?”

I shift in my seat, not sure I want to hear Liam’s history. It will be too easy to empathize and have my heart open to him when all I want to do is shut him out. “Not really.”

“His mother died when he was little. Like five or six. Apparently, everyone said she was sick, but the rumor was that she was poisoned. It was a warning to his father, who was head of the Bratva then.”

God. I lost my mother at a young age to illness. I couldn’t imagine learning she’d been murdered. But then, that’s the world they lived in.

“His father was murdered a few years later. He ended up being raised by his uncle who was good to him. Groomed him to be the head of the Bratva after him. Liam chose a different path, but then his uncle was killed. We know now that was Igor Peprov.”

“Elena, this story is sad and I feel for him, but I don’t know what it has to do with me.”

“Is he dead to you, then?” Her tone is sharp.

“I’m dead to him,” I snap back.

Again, there’s a long silence. “Liam has spent his life trying not to love. It scares him. The people he’s loved have been killed. But he loves you. I know he does.”

“I know it too.” My voice chokes up because that is the worst part of this. Niko was right. Liam left me because he loved me.

“Look, I don’t know if you two can work it out, but if you care for him too, he needs help. He’s drinking a lot. Involved in risky behavior?—”

“Your lives are all about risky behavior.”

“He’s playing chicken with life, Kate. It’s like he wants to die. Niko told me what he did the night he killed Babichev. He fully expected to die. He was ready for it, daring for it to come.”

My heart clenches at Liam being so tormented as to wish for death. But I’m tormented too. My heart can’t take any more of the whiplash it experiences when around Liam.

“If the answer is me, he knows where I live.” I hang up the phone.