42. alessia

42

ALESSIA

Guerra outed Daegan and me, which resulted in Kane escorting me back home. It's well deserved. He's only here for a few days for a four-day weekend and then has to report to base.

My stepfather hasn't said anything. He sent it down the chain of command, had Winters be the bad guy, and let me know that I was to return to the United States for misconduct in the workplace.

I was ashamed because it hit me…hard.

I was embarrassed not only because I tainted my career but also because I embarrassed Ravenmore…my mother—a well-respected veteran who used to work in intelligence like me. My mother and Ravenmore are a power couple, and I failed them, too.

Daegan hasn't reached out to me. He hasn't called or texted, which breaks my heart even more. No groveling or answers I deserve to know. I mean, what can he say? He most likely feels the weight of our consequences and realizes I'm not worth apologizing to. And yet, still, I want to know how he's recovering. He almost died and lost a lot of blood, and I'm still worried about him.

How could I let myself get here?

I put myself in a place where I got my heart broken twice in one year. So what am I doing? I'm going to drink and drink until I can't remember my own name tonight. I'm going to put myself first for the first time in a long time.

A knock on my door wakes me up from my sleep. I'm still heavily jet-lagged and exhausted from crying. After almost twenty-four hours of traveling halfway across the world back to North Carolina, I don't want to feel the weight of my mistakes.

I fucked someone's husband…the guilt of that eats me alive.

Sleep sounds good, and it feels good after failing myself and everyone around me.

I get up from the bed with sadness clouding my brain. I rub my eyes as the knocks keep going, and I put on my black Jack Skellington slippers before I walk out of my bedroom.

I take a glance in my hallway mirror.

Tangled, messy black curls.

Red and puffed cheeks.

Dark under eyes.

Yeah. I'm a mess.

Who could be at my door right now?

I look through the peephole and see my mother standing there with her sunglasses on, pressed lips, and folded arms that look ready to pull my hair. She's in a floral blouse and black leggings, with low-top heels.

Well…crap.

I take a deep breath in and open the door.

The sun's rays blind me momentarily, and I raise my hand to block it out.

"Mom…please, I got back from Iraq not too long ago, and I would really like to rest." I yawn and stretch my arms over my head.

"I'm coming inside. We need to talk." She quips as she brushes past me and walks into my home without another word, even though I didn't invite her in. She will not leave here without giving me a piece of her mind, and I don't expect anything less from my mom, who radiates black-cat energy.

She's strong, independent, and doesn't take crap from anyone…and somehow, I came up short whenever I tried to meet her expectations.

She enters my living room and places her sunglasses on my coffee table. I trudge to the couch and let myself fall onto the other couch in front of my furniture. I sit in the corner, far away from her, preparing for her to cuss me out in Spanish.

"Look, ma, I'm a grown woman. I messed up. I know I did, and I'm sorry. I feel disgusted with myself."

She turns to me, and just when I think she's going to glare daggers at me or raise her voice, she meets me with eyes of understanding.

"Did I ever tell you the story of how I met Henry?" She asks.

I shake my head.

"No, you didn't…but honestly, I never asked because I really don't care to know anything about him. You know how I feel about the divorce from my father. My dad still loved you, and you left him for Ravenmore. At least that's Dad's side of the story." I mutter indignantly.

"Well, I guess that sums up most of it, but…it was more complicated than that." She finally sits down on the other side of the living room and tucks her legs into her thighs.

"Yes. To your father, I was a villain. I guess. We had ended things right before I went on my first deployment. He watched over you while I left for Afghanistan because you were only three years old. He was angry I was leaving, not at me specifically but at our situation. We were still freshly married, and my job was a whirlwind. He was forced to leave his home in Illinois. That's where we met, remember? But because I had orders to Virginia, he followed me…he didn't like that he was giving up on his plans to make our relationship work."

"Yes, I know. He did tell me that. The military lifestyle was not for him, but because he loved you and me, he stuck around longer than he wanted to…he said he tried to keep us all together, but the deployment was the last straw for him."

She nods while staring at her sunglasses. Then she flicks her hazel eyes at me.

"He left me while I was deployed. He sent me divorce papers without giving me a chance to save our marriage…but then again, I was already at a point where I knew if I tried to save it, it would have been a lie. I was heartbroken and sad about our situation because I knew our divorce would affect you. I signed them and sent them back. We were divorced within months, we worked together to reach a mutual understanding, and our divorce went smoothly and quickly. Right before my deployment ended, I found solace in Henry."

Is she trying to imply that history is repeating itself in some way? A workplace romance…like Daegan and I?

"Are you telling me you fell in love with your boss?"

She swallows passively. "Yes."

I remember her telling me they met when she was an Ensign and he was a Commander.

"I'm not mad, Alessia. I came here to tell you that everything will be okay. And to do better next time. Don't repeat the same mistakes."

I look away from her as a lump forms in my throat.

"He's married mom. This is different because he's married. I didn't know. Henry wasn't married, was he?"

She shakes her head. "No." She gets up from the couch and walks over to me. The tears I've been fighting fall down, and I can't look at my mother. I feel disgusted with myself. Memories of Daegan flash through my mind—our night of stargazing when he told me about his personal life.

"I'm sorry, mija. I can tell you to move on and to let him go because you deserve better. It's the truth. You do deserve better. But even I know it's easier said than done."

Maybe drinking isn't the solution. I know it's not the solution, but I let Kane drag me out of my house after three weeks of crying non-stop. He was supposed to return to Iraq but he was ordered to stay back home longer.

We've gotten closer lately, and I'm not mad about it. Winters is still in Iraq doing her job…where I'm supposed to be. I can't talk to her the way I want to speak to her about it. There are just some things better left said face to face rather than on the phone. And for me, this is one of those things.

I did want to chase my feelings with Daegan selfishly, risking both of our careers, so I can't place the entire blame on him. I can't fault him for my actions because I knew exactly what I was doing.

I'm angry at myself for being so damn stupid in every way. For risking my job and reputation. And secondly, for falling for Daegan's lies.

I was ordered to go back home by my stepfather after the rumors spread about my relationship with Daegan. I think he did it to protect me, but still, I was angry I couldn't do my job, and now I'm labeled as a slut.

"You know, Kane. You could be spending time with your girlfriend. I hate that I'm burdening you with my problems."

"Listen, Valentine." Kane starts to tease me with my freshly earned nickname, and I purse my lips, narrowing my eyes at the dark blue dots in his eyes that flicker with humor. He mouths to Gabe ‘shots.' "I've been where you are before, it sucks, and I don't think being alone helps." Kane nudges me with his shoulder over his black leather jacket. "Plus, I invited my brother over to join us," he looks at his watch and then at me, "he should be here any minute now. He just joined the teams. Fresh out of graduation. We might as well celebrate his accomplishment while we're reunited."

"You have a brother?" I ask.

"I have several brothers and sisters."

"Already back home, beautiful?" Gabe leans over the counter to hug me. I'm not going to lie. I like the way Gabe smiles at me. He's always so lovely and has given me plenty of drinks on the house.

"Yeah. It's a long story…" I tell him. A hard rock in my throat forms, and I choke up. I look away from Gabe and stare at the neon cattle sign behind him instead, blinking fast.

Gabe grabs my hand and gives it a gentle squeeze.

"I've got time." Pure admiration radiates from him. He has a ball cap on, and warmth flashes in his brown eyes. "Maybe we can go for frozen yogurt. Maybe it can be a date?"

I pause, my chest tightens, and I'm actually considering it for a split second. I don't say anything at first, but then the liquor I've been drinking for the past hour starts to coat me with frustration.

I can't believe I'm one of those girls. Did I really fall for a married man?

"I would love nothing more than that. I should be free since I'm no longer deployed, but I'll let you know…" I murmur as Kane collides his shot with mine, and the glasses chime. I down the shot Gabe handed me a few seconds ago.

"One of these nights it'll be a definite yes." Gabe kisses my cheek. I sink down into my chair feeling guilty. Another customer calls him over and he leaves.

Kane raises his brows as I down my drink next.

It rolls down my throat, burning and scorching my flesh, and I wince, letting out a ragged breath. I slam the shot down, fighting the pitiful large lump in my throat.

I don't have answers from Daegan, and I'm not sure I want them anymore. I burp drunkenly.

"Alessia, want me to take you home?" Kane asks.

"Hold that thought. I'm going to the restroom." I scootch out of the chair, and the ground on my feet starts to feel like I'm on an escalator.

Yup, I think it's time I go home.

I walk to the bathrooms in El Devine. The rain grows harsher, battering the windows of the exit door at the end of the hall. Even through the blurred rain streaks, I can see the trees sway in the distance with strong winds, and the bushes hit the glass.

I stumble, and the liquor hits me even harder. I'm starting to see two of everything. I didn't drink that much to have these kinds of side effects. I palm one side of the wall before my ribs crash into it. Arching my brows, I shake my head twice to try and escape the blurs.

"Alessia?"

Someone calls my name. Someone who used to have my heart, someone who broke it.

I turn around slowly and palm the wall. I squint through the dark hallway and cringe when I see Jack. I grimace, furrowing my brows, and roll my eyes, not giving him an ounce of my attention.

I'm definitely going home now.

"Alessia, I've been calling and texting you. I'm not with Bailey anymore because I realize I fucked up."

He's quick to explain himself, as if he knows I don't want to give him the opportunity to talk to me.

I snap my teeth, rubbing my forehead as I turn my back to him. I keep walking, and I'm almost to the ladies' room. Does he really think I care about their status?

"Zeke told me what happened."

I'm about to push open the women's bathroom door, but I stop in my tracks when he finishes his sentence.

Did Zeke, your supposed friend, mention he asked me out on a date, too?

I don't say it, I want to say it, but I don't.

"Move on, Jack. I moved on…and so should you." I give him a glimpse, turning my head slightly, and I almost fall over again.

Am I a lightweight now?

"Yeah, you moved on with that freak who wears a mask." He throws out his insult with a pointed chin.

His hateful words spew out his mouth with so much resentment that it stings. His words are sharper than a knife. I'm upset with Daegan, practically broken by him, but I will never stand for bullying.

"D-don't talk about him like that. He's more of a man than you'll ever be. You'll never measure up to him." Now he has my attention. I let go of the door and look at Jack. His hands are fisted, and he looks down at me with pressed lips and narrowed dark eyes that radiate hatred.

"Frankie won't step foot at El Devine anymore," he points swiftly to the bar behind him. "He had to have his entire jaw reconstructed, and he won't tell anyone why."

"I'm not sure how that's a bad thing given the fact he always harassed me and others." I spit back, trying to keep myself still and from swaying. Jack walks to me with veins bulging from his hands, like he's angry.

"Why are you defending that blind freak?" Jack stalks toward me with aggression. "Was fucking him worth ruining your reputation and job? Getting sent home on your first deployment?"

I snap my mouth shut. I'm really never talking to Zeke again. How dare he share this information with him? I mean…I suppose after constantly rejecting him, he would see it as a way to hurt me back.

"What're you doing here anyway? Drinking your problems away, huh?" He scoffs, satisfied. "You fell for him, didn't you? Let me guess?" He has his hand on his chin, sarcastically looking pensively. "He hasn't called you since you found out? You really thought that fucker loved you? You really thought he was interested in more than just fucking you? He used you, Alessia. At least I loved you."

I shake my head as my throat and eyes begin to burn.

"So you walk away from me?" Jack gets closer until he's right in front of my face. "You walk away and end our years-long relationship because I'm such a piece of shit, right? But you end up fucking a married man?"

The lump in my throat comes back full force, and this time, the tears fall down my cheeks with humiliation fueling them. I keep my stunned gaze on his puffed-out chest over his yellow shirt as he spills my reality back onto my face.

"I'm a piece of shit for fucking Bailey, but what does that make him?" I don't answer, but I stare at my ex-boyfriend this time. I look up at him, with tears still leaking out of my lashes, probably leaving trails of black from my mascara. I can't answer. It's too disgraceful. I flare my nostrils and sniffle as I suck in a breath, my chest tightening. Jack doesn't like my returned silence, so he grabs my shoulders, shaking them as his fingers dig into my skin, "Huh? Answer me!" He roars with disgust. He has to be drunk. Jack has never put his hands on me before like this. But then I remember that one time before I tried to leave him when I caught him in the act.

"Jack, stop it! You're hurting me!" I shriek, but for some reason, I can't scream. It's like my lungs and tongue won't work with me. Why can't I defend myself the way I want to? It's like I'm being pulled away from my senses, and my hearing goes in and out.

"If I'm such a terrible person, what does that make him?!" He repeats his question as my body jolts back and forth, my curls bouncing, getting into my eyes and face as he moves me.

A tall, dark shadow swallows us, clouding Jack and me.

"It makes me your worst fucking nightmare." A sinister, wicked, possessive tone interrupts Jack, and he stiffens for a split second as he tries to turn to the man slowly. His face reddens, and his eyes widen with fear, and I'm still as a statue.

I know that voice.