20. Long Night Alone: Larry

Iwalked around the deck, getting fresh air and trying to calm down. This was it. I didn't even understand what I'd said to set him off. He had said I should ask questions. I didn't think I was pushing or asking him for anything more than information. I huffed to myself. I needed to go back to the cabin and try to talk to Todd again. I had to prove myself to him. I knew that. Only I wasn't sure how I was going to do it.

But Todd wasn't in the cabin. He'd been there. His glasses were gone, but was he coming back?

I didn't know anything, but I got cleaned up and headed to the dining room for dinner. Maybe he would be there, and we could sort this out. But he wasn't.

"Anyone seen Todd?" I asked, approaching the table with most of his friends.

Royce and Jax glared at me, while Ward and Quinn looked sympathetic. They knew I'd fucked up. Royce shook his head, and Jax said, "No."

"Where is he?"

"I said we didn't know." Jax smirked at me. He was an energetic cutie most of the time, but when he was angry, his looks could slice a man.

I held up my hands and walked away, looking around for Hudson and Levi. I found them, but neither knew where he was or had seen him.

Fuck Todd, anyway. Why was I jumping through all of his hoops? This thing had been one-sided from the beginning. He knew I wanted more with him, and he took advantage of that. He used me.

I went down to what I'd started thinking of as the party deck and walked around the pool and to the bar. I ordered a whiskey straight up. I didn't want any of the fancy drinks. No, I was after something to numb me quickly, and the whiskey did exactly that. I sat there and drank. And drank. Until I lost count of the refills. My thoughts spiraled out of control and made no sense.

Hudson was next to me, but I wasn't sure if he was even real. He'd been in my life for so long and was always the one I went to for advice, help, and whatever I needed. So I'd probably conjured him up in my whiskey-drunk brain.

Then he put his arm around my shoulders. "Think you've had enough, buddy."

"Nah…We're juss getting started."

"Nope. You're cut off. Come on." He said something to the bartender, but I couldn't make out what.

"Where's Levi? You worry ‘bout your boy. Not me," I protested. I didn't need him. I'd relied on him too often.

I was walking. Hudson was there. I could smell his rich cologne. Familiar and comforting. "I've got you." He always had my back, even when I didn't know I needed it. Best friends were—

The ship spun around. "Didn't know boats could do this."

Hudson chuckled, and I was pretty sure he was laughing at me, but it wasn't mean. Hudson had never been a mean sort. No, he was caring. Loving. All the traits of a good daddy for his boy, and all the things I could never be. Especially not for fake boyfriends.

I was in a bed. "Bring me onesmore drink!"

But the lights went out. I was alone in the cabin.

I rolled over onto Todd"s pillow, which smelled like him—fresh and clean.

Then tears fell. Slowly, at first, but I couldn't stop them. That was the thing I'd forgotten when I started drinking—alcohol only numbed for so long. Then it intensified everything. And it brought you down. Alcohol was a depressant and the worst way to attempt the whole not being sad thing. Ultimately, it didn't work. It made everything worse.

And I was terribly sad. Alone and doomed to that forever.

Exactly like my father always said, I was a failure. Sure, I could make millions. Sure, I could sell anything to anyone. But it was all bullshit. The most important things in life were out of my reach. Love. Family. That's what I failed at. I was a bad person.

And the saddest part was that I would do anything to fix this. Anything. And Todd had no idea. This fetish stuff was so outside of my comfort zone. My father always told me that if I was ever going to have a life, I'd have to get a wife. And he was crude about it. Promising me that any woman worth having a family with would expect missionary style and nothing else. Anything else was perverted, disgusting, and would leave me alone in the world. I'd end up in a gutter. And here I was, admitting I was gay, admitting I wanted another man, and even willing to go down whatever perverted, fetish road he wanted.

Because I was lonely, but it was more than that. I missed Todd. It was as simple as that. I already felt his absence from my life, and I wanted him back.

But why? What did I see in Todd in the first place?

Sure, his looks. He was adorable. Those thick glasses hinting at the Superman under his Clark Kent exterior. And he did have the strong jaw, but his lips were soft. His eyes were deep and ever-changing depending on the light and what he wore, and I could practically see him thinking when he stared at me. He was one of the smartest guys I knew. He was only getting started in life, but I could tell he would find success at whatever he wanted to do. And I knew. I could read people. I could see easily by their body language, what they said, and how they said it, if they would buy or not, and I gauged their responses and reactions in order to manipulate them down the road I wanted them to go. But not Todd. He had a mind of his own, and he was stubborn. And I even loved that about him.

Yeah. I loved everything about him.

Except for the fact that he wasn't here beside me.