21. This Little Cabin: Todd

Sleeping alone in this tiny room sucked. It was a single bed and a small dresser. It didn't even have an attached bathroom. Or Larry.

I could have been next to him. Holding him. But he only wanted me for sex. He's a jerk. Fuck!

There was a tapping at the door, and I got up and opened it with a spark of hope that it would be Larry, but it was Levi. "Hey. Come in. We might both fit in here." I opened my arm to invite him in.

He looked around the tiny space. "Uh…I don't want to get into this or in the middle of whatever…"

"But?"

He exhaled loudly. "I do think you need to know that Hudson found Larry drunk as a skunk at the pool bar. And I mean drunk!" He made a weird facial expression.

"So? Not my problem." I wanted to say we broke up or that we were never actually together to begin with. Instead, I pursed my lips together tightly and crossed my arms over my chest.

Levi shoved me a little. "Don't give me your angry pose. Sit down."

I flopped back on the bed and spread my arms. Levi sat next to me on the edge. "I don't know what you expect."

"Listen. That's all."

"Fine." I sat up, and Levi bumped his shoulder into mine.

"Okay. Larry was drunk. Very drunk and babbling on and on about how he missed you. He said things that were left to interpretation, but the gist was that he wanted you any way he could get you. He wanted his pup back, even if he never had you for real. What's that mean?"

I bit my bottom lip. Nope. I did not want to talk about it. Not with Levi. Not with anyone. I wanted to wallow in my loneliness and self-inflicted isolation. Because maybe I'd blown everything out of proportion. Maybe because it was more about me being afraid to take that step than anything Larry said or did.

And I'd made both of us fucking miserable.

"Was he a jerk? What did he say?" Levi asked. I knew he was being a friend, but I didn't think I owed him this. "Okay. I'm saying it. If you're not sharing, I'm just going to tell you what I fucking think."

My eyes went wide. Levi wasn't normally that forceful and cursing too? "Okay, then. What?"

"You are not giving him enough credit. I mean, I don't know Larry well, but Hudson thinks the world of him. And from what I've seen on this trip. Larry is being very accepting. He was totally accepting of me and my unconventional relationship with Hudson. And maybe he needs more time and more civilized talking about the pup-play. There is a world of difference between intolerance and ignorance. Educate him. He's willing."

"Do you really think? I like him. A lot. Maybe too much. And I'm scared of that." I turned and butted my forehead against his shoulder.

"Could you love him?"

"I don't fucking know. It-It's too early. Maybe." But my heart pounded extra hard thinking about what it could be like if we loved each other. It was more than the security he offered. But hell, I hadn't worried about money since the start of my junior year. The guys always had my back, and I would be fine no matter what. But I would be lonely. Fuck! I was lonely. And the only time it eased was when I was with him, and I sure as hell didn't mean the sexy time. It was more than wanting to fit in with my friends because they accepted me before when I didn't have anyone. They loved me any way I showed up. That had been another fucking lie I told myself. To protect my heart.

"I don't know what's going on in your head, Todd, but I can see something is. There is a lot you're not saying. But…I'm here for you. We all are, and I know you've been closer to Jax and Royce over the years, but I'm here too."

"I know. I'm sorry. I'm trying to work shit out and…I haven't been honest about anything. With myself or with y'all."

"What do you mean?"

"Larry and I…" Was I going to tell him? I huffed. "Don't say anything to Jax and Royce. Please?"

Levi nodded. "Okay."

"We're not a couple. We never were. We aren't dating."

"I don't understand." I didn't like the way his eyebrows bunched up.

"Don't get mad."

Levi held up his hands. "I'm not. I'm trying to understand. That's all."

"Okay. So, like, we made that up so I wouldn't be alone on this stupid fucking cruise. Everyone was paired off. Even you—"

"Hey! That's not fair."

I spoke over him, "No, no. I get that. I'm not mad. Maybe I was a little jealous, but I asked Larry to do this so I wouldn't feel left out and jealous."

"I still don't understand. You went on dates. You're sleeping together…aren't you?"

I cringed. "We went on dates to get to know each other better so we could pull this off, and we didn't sleep together, well, until we did." I rubbed my face. "This is so complicated."

"Okay. Maybe it started out as pretend, but it's a hell of a lot more than that now. It's obvious. The way you look at each other. You fooled everyone, Todd, including yourselves."

"But it wasn't. None of it. And we'd planned to fake breakup before the end of the cruise. So, this is that." I waved my hand around as if that would make everything make sense, but it didn't. "I guess."

"You're full of shit, you know?" Levi shook his head. "He cares about you. About this." He made a swirly motion in the air around me. "And you're breaking his heart. And I think you're breaking your own. So go on pretending if you want. Oh, don't worry, I won't say anything, but I think…I, uh…"

"Oh, don't stop now."

"You. You are the jerk now. The asshole. And I don't like any of this."

"I don't either," I said very quietly. So why was I still wanting to go through with this breakup plan? Why was I still thinking about Larry?

"It doesn't have to be like this, Todd." Levi left then. Left me sitting there, contemplating all of it.

What the fuck did I see in Larry anyway?

He was a pompous asshole. Wasn't he? But he'd been nothing but nice to me. Adventurous and willing to go along with whatever I wanted. Maybe I hadn't liked how he seemed smitten with me—and maybe I did. Maybe I took advantage of that. The truth was harder than that. I liked the way he looked at me and the way he made me feel. He was successful, and truthfully, he didn't flaunt it. He dressed nicely and had a fancy car, but he didn't act stuck up and was willing to share anything he had with all his friends. He'd grown up like me. Like Levi. He worked hard for everything he had and encouraged me to do the same.

And he stuck by Hudson, even when he didn't understand his friend. He said it didn't matter. He wanted Hudson to be happy. Wanted me to be happy.

Fuck! Todd was right. I was the jerk.