Chapter 35

THIRTY-FIVE

Canyon

I spend the entire flight texting.

Ally.

Colleen.

Marjorie—who still refuses to respond.

Coach Vanek.

The group chat with my teammates.

I'm pissed off.

Frustrated.

Why is everything so God damn difficult?

I know raising kids isn't easy, but I can't catch a break no matter what I do.

Coach is pretty understanding considering everything, but we're heading into the playoffs. This is the first time in over a decade the Phantoms have made the playoffs, and after two back-to-back seasons where we came in dead last, I need to be focused on hockey.

I don't blame Ally, but my father's words are nagging at me.

How many more people are going to let this kid down?

Am I going to let her down?

Have I already?

There just aren't enough hours in the day to do all the things I need to do.

Getting Ally to and from school, spending time with her, therapy sessions, hockey, travel, spending time with Saylor.

I don't know how to do it.

Hockey has to be a priority because that's how I make money and the thing I love most in the world.

But Ally's just a kid who's gone through so much in the last few months.

How do I give up on her?

And Saylor.

I love her.

I'm in love with her.

I almost told her last night, but I'd been serious about wanting to wait for the perfect moment.

A moment that feels like it's never going to come.

There's always something more urgent, an emergency, somewhere to be. We almost never have down time, to figure out who we are as a couple. The sex is off the charts hot, she's sweet and beautiful and incredibly patient, but I can sense that she wants more. The worst part is, I want to give it to her.

I just can't.

Not right now.

And it's not fair to either of us.

I hate that I'm missing her retirement party, and even though she didn't say anything, I know she's disappointed that our time together was cut short. Again .

My thoughts are a chaotic jumble as I get into my car and head for home.

Ally's last text told me that Marjorie left and Colleen is there.

That's good, at least.

Now I have to figure out what to do next.

Firing Marjorie is a given, but I didn't know what else to do. Or how to find another nanny in time for me to meet up with the team on this road trip. All of my backups are in New York. Saylor, Stevie, Autumn—the whole crew. Leaving me on my own.

At the end of the day, I'm a single parent now and I can't count on anyone else.

And it's hard as fuck.

I can't even imagine how Carly dealt with it. I have money and resources—she had none of that. Not to mention her addiction issues.

Guilt hits me hard, right in the chest.

I shouldn't have let her pull away.

She was older, but I was the more responsible one, the one with money and the ability to make a difference in her life. Instead, I'd let her struggle. Her and Ally both. I owe them.

"Uncle Canyon!" The minute I open the door to my condo, Ally comes flying across the room, launching herself into my arms.

"Hey, kiddo. It's okay. I'm here now." I hug her tightly, meeting Colleen's eyes across the room.

"Thank you," I say quietly. "I really appreciate this."

"Of course." She nods. "I don't know what happened, but Marjorie was gone when I got here."

"Jesus." I gently push Ally away so I can look at her face. I don't see any marks. "You okay, Ally?"

"I am now." She nods.

"Well, I'm going to call the agency first thing tomorrow and tell them what she did."

"I don't know that you have any recourse if there's no mark," Colleen says softly. "It's her word against Marjorie's."

"Yeah. I was thinking about that. But I'm definitely going to let them know. This isn't cool."

"It's not."

"I owe you a big one," I tell her.

She chuckles. "No problem. My husband's not thrilled, but he'll survive. You might need to buy him a bottle of bourbon."

"Consider it done. Text me his favorite."

She gathers her things. "Well, I'm off to finish cooking Sunday dinner. Am I picking her up from school tomorrow?"

"Yes, I?—"

"No!" Ally wails, on the verge of tears. "You're not leaving, are you?"

"Honey, I have to go back to work and?—"

"No!" She starts crying, again and Colleen and I exchange another look.

"Shh," I say, rubbing her back. "Don't cry. We'll figure something out, okay?"

"O-okay." Her face is red and mottled, breaking my heart a little.

"Just let me know," Colleen whispers as she slips out.

"Come on. Let's go talk," I tell Ally.

She follows me into the living room, and we settle on the couch.

"Tell me everything," I say.

She explains about the book again, showing me the now tattered copy that's clearly marked as coming from the school library.

"It wasn't a school night," she says, her eyes meeting mine. "I'm not a baby. Why do I have to go to bed at nine on a Saturday? And I was just reading…"

"I know. And I don't mind you staying up late reading. We'll make sure to address that with any future nannies."

"Do I have to have a nanny? Mom used to leave me alone all the time."

I wince.

"I know, but that's not safe or legal. You can be alone for a few hours during the day, like if I have to go to the doctor or something, but you can't be alone overnight, and certainly not for two weeks when I have long road trips."

"So you're not going to take care of me?" she whispers. "You're just going to leave me with nannies all the time? How is that better than foster care?"

"Uh, it's a lot better," I say firmly. "You'll be safe. I know what happened with Marjorie was scary, but that won't happen again. I'll make sure of it. We have money, and in the off-season, I'll be with you twenty-four seven."

She scowls. "Right. You spend all your free time with Saylor . She's more important than I am."

"That's not true." I shake my head. "She is important, but not more important."

"Why do you have to have a girlfriend? Mom always had boyfriends. I was always alone so she could go on dates and hookups."

Oh, Carly.

What the hell was wrong with you?

It's rhetorical—it's not like she can answer me from the dead—but I still want to shake her.

"I don't have to have a girlfriend," I say carefully, "but I care about her."

"It's just 'cause she's a supermodel, right? Hockey players all date models and actresses and stuff." She says it like it's distasteful to her.

"Not all of us, no. And Saylor is retiring from modeling."

Right about now, actually.

And I'm not there to celebrate with her.

"I don't like her."

"Why? You've never given me a reason."

"I just don't. And I don't want her to be my mom!"

"No one is ever going to be your mom. You only have one."

"You're going to marry her and make your own babies and then you're going to forget about me. Just like everyone else. My dad didn't want me. My grandparents don't want me. And you won't either."

"That's not true."

"Then why isn't my dad here? Huh? Where is he?"

"I don't know, and I don't care. He was a bad man who used to hit you and your mother. I told you that. And even if he did want to be in your life now, there isn't a chance in hell I'd let him."

Her face is shrouded, and I can see her battling emotions she's probably not equipped to deal with.

"I'm going to call your therapist," I say. "I think we need a session."

She sighs.

"Ally, you have to talk to me. This isn't going to work if you don't." I pause. "Would you rather I try to find… a family to adopt you? Where you could have a traditional mom and a dad? Instead of your cranky Uncle Canyon?"

One side of her mouth quirks up. "You're not cranky. Much."

"If you think you'd be happier with?—"

"No. I don't want to be with strangers. I want to live here with you. I just…I'm just so tired of never knowing what's going to happen. Babysitters, nannies, mean girls at school…I'm scared all the time. And I miss my mom but I'm mad at her too." A fresh set of tears stream from her eyes as she starts to sob again. "She was my mom and she left me. Why doesn't anyone ever put me first?!" She buries her face in a pillow, her entire body shaking from the ferocity of her tears.

Fuck .

I'm not equipped for this, but I have to be.

She's overly emotional, but she's entitled to her feelings.

So many feelings.

And she's just a kid.

I have to keep reminding myself of that.

"I've already told you—I'm not going anywhere." I pull her close, hugging her tightly.

There is so much therapy in our future, I know this, and my heart breaks for her.

Why doesn't anyone ever put me first?

Her words cut deep, and I'm angry with Carly all over again.

What the hell had she been doing with Ally all these years? Was her addiction so bad that she couldn't see what her selfishness was doing to her kid?

Intellectually, I know the answer, but emotionally I'm still furious.

No matter what my father, or anyone else thinks, I have to be here for her. I have to take care of her.

Even though it's going to mean making a lot of sacrifices.

For now, Ally has to be my priority.

She has to come first.

Because she never has.

Holding Ally as she sobs against my chest, my heart splinters.

Deep down, I know I'm going to have to do something I don't want to do.

The only question is whether or not Saylor will wait.

Can she give me six months to get Ally on an even keel?

I don't know what else to do.

The only other option is saying goodbye for good, and I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that.