Chapter 36

THIRTY-SIX

Saylor

My surprise retirement breakfast leaves me feeling both grateful and frustrated. The girls did an amazing job with it, bringing in friends and people I've worked with since the beginning of my career, and making it a memorable morning. There's laughter, tears, and good food, but through it all, I can't help but notice what's missing.

Canyon .

And he hasn't called either, even though I know his flight landed hours ago.

Once again, I'm an afterthought.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry, but I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I know he's dealing with a lot, but is it so hard to send me a text to update me? To keep me in the loop?

How the hell are we going to have a relationship if we don't communicate?

Of course, I'm a bit guilty of that too since I haven't told him the extent of my stalker situation. In my case, though, I'm just trying to lighten his load. In his case, he just doesn't think like a guy in a relationship.

Which is frustrating to me.

I thought we'd made progress, but apparently not.

And now I'm going to have to think long and hard about the future.

Since brunch ended by noon, we decide to head over to Stevie's brownstone and get a head start on packing and preparing for her to sell it. Stevie's a nervous wreck, so it takes all of us to get her through the front door. She freezes when she steps inside, immediately looking to the staircase that her ex had pushed her over.

"It's just like we left it," she whispers, swallowing hard.

"It's just four walls," Chey says, squeezing her arm. "This house can't hurt you. We're going to pack your stuff, and you don't ever have to come back here, but you know you're not leaving all your Jimmy Choos behind."

Stevie manages a shaky smile at the mention of her favorite shoes. "No, I'm definitely not."

"Let's start in the bedroom," Harper suggests. "Clothes, shoes, and any personal items."

"I'll empty the fridge," I say, heading in the opposite direction.

"I'll come with you," Chey says, following me.

"I can do it," I tell her.

"You've looked so sad all day. I know it was a disappointment that Canyon missed your retirement party."

"It's always something," I say, pulling something putrid out of the fridge and tossing it in the trash.

"Jesus, what the fuck?" Chey pulls out something else that's a little scary and tosses it as well.

"Let's just empty everything," I say. "There's nothing salvageable."

"Agreed."

We work in silence for a few minutes and then she looks at me. "What's going on? This isn't like you. Are you mad at him?"

"No. I'm just…" I pause, leaning against the counter. "He's not the only one who's got stuff going on, and frankly, I could use a little support too."

"Something's going on?" She looks confused. "Like what?"

They all know about the vandalism at the store, but I didn't tell anyone but Stevie the details of the ongoing issues. So I tell her about the current situation with what I'm now calling a stalker, and how things have now escalated from vandalism to an actual death threat.

"Jesus, Saylor! Why didn't you tell us?"

"I haven't really told anyone," I admit. "I just keep hoping it's going to go away or that he'll get bored or whatever."

"Does Canyon know?"

"He knows some of it, but I haven't wanted to distract him since he has enough of his own shit going on."

"That's not how relationships are supposed to work."

"Tell me about it."

"Why are you letting him off so easy? Force him to make a decision."

"I can't," I say quietly. "He has to prioritize his niece. She needs him."

"That's a cop out."

"It's not. She's a little kid. I'm an adult. I can handle my own shit. She can't."

"True, but that doesn't mean he can't be there for you too."

"She doesn't like me. She's made it clear she doesn't want me around, so it's not that cut and dried."

"What are you going to do?"

"I don't know. I guess I'm going to see what happens."

"I thought things were going well?"

"They are… but there was this look in his eyes when he left this morning. Like, he was saying goodbye. I can't explain it."

"I think you need to talk to him instead of stressing yourself out and thinking all these negative thoughts."

"He promised he would call, but I haven't heard from him."

"He's new at this." She searches my face. "Didn't you say you're his first serious adult relationship? He's probably not used to checking in."

"Yeah, well, I don't know if this is in the cards for us. I thought maybe we could make it work, but how do you do that when you never see each other?"

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I'll talk to him when I get back to L.A. We'll either figure it out or we won't, but this kitchen won't clean itself."

"Why can't we just call a service?" she whispers, making a face.

"I think the point of this exercise is that it's cathartic for Stevie."

"Then she should clean the fridge." Chey dangles a long-dead bag of fruit. "Okay, that's it for me. I'm out."

"Same."

We trash it and then head upstairs to see what everyone else is doing.

* * *

I don't get back to my hotel until after ten, and I spy Canyon's tie in the corner of the living room, right where he'd tossed it last night before he'd taken me to bed and fucked my ass. I'm a little sore today, but it was worth it.

I pick up the tie and hold it to my nose. I can still smell the faint scent of his aftershave, and I close my eyes, inhaling deeply.

It's been a long, mostly wonderful day, but I'm disappointed that I haven't heard from him.

I've just gotten into bed when my phone rings and I see his name on the screen.

About time.

"Hey." I try to keep the annoyance out of my voice.

"Hey." He sounds tired, and I immediately feel a twinge of guilt.

"How'd it go?"

"It's been a long-ass day. She's a mess. I finally got her to sleep a little while ago. She's been crying on and off all day."

"Did Marjorie really hit her?"

"She says so. There's no bruise or anything, but Marjorie ghosted me, so I'm pretty sure Ally's telling the truth."

"There wouldn't necessarily be a bruise from getting slapped. I mean, she would have had to really hit her hard."

"Exactly. Which means there's no proof, so I can't call the cops or anything. I do have a call in to the agency I used to hire her, though. They're going to hear about it."

"Of course."

"Meanwhile, we're going to see our therapist tomorrow, and Colleen's going to help out this week."

"You're not going back to the team?" I ask in surprise.

"I don't know. Ally's…fragile. It's hard to explain. Under all the piss and vinegar, she not only misses her mom, she's also mad at her. Apparently, there was a string of boyfriends, and Ally was home alone a lot. Now she feels like I'm just going to hire a bunch of nannies to watch her, so I don't have to. She doesn't believe I want her here."

"Oh, Canyon. I'm sorry. I'm sure that's hard."

"Seeing her cry is hard. Hearing her cry for her mom is even harder."

Yup.

Here comes the guilt.

"She needs you," I say quietly.

"She does."

There's an uncomfortable silence and I know what's about to happen.

So I'm going to make it easy on him because he's obviously struggling.

"Look, don't worry about me, okay? We had a deal that we would do this until it wasn't working anymore, and now it's not. I'm way too busy to worry about an eleven-year-old, and she hates me anyway. So you focus on Ally, and I'm going to focus on my art. Really."

"I…are you breaking things off?"

Shit.

This is harder than I thought it would be, but I need to toughen up and let him off the hook. One of us has to be strong, or we're both going to be hurt.

"It's run its course. We knew this could happen." Thankfully, my voice doesn't waver. "There's no need to make it a whole big thing. We agreed we'd enjoy ourselves, and I have. Truly. I've loved being with you, but you have responsibilities that don't include me, and I'm not at a place in my life where I'm willing to wait around. I'll be thirty-two in December, and I want to have a baby at some point, so my biological clock is ticking. And we both know you're not ready for all that."

"We never talked about kids," he says, his voice laced with exasperation.

"I know. Because it wasn't that serious. We've recently been on the verge of catching some feelings, so that's why I think this is the perfect time to move on. You have to focus on Ally and hockey, and I have to focus on this new phase of my life."

"Is this what you want?" he asks abruptly. "Like, for real?"

Not even a little bit.

"Yes, of course."

Stupid mouth saying things my heart doesn't want to hear.

"Then I guess this is it."

"I guess it is."

"I'm not sure what else to say."

"You don't have to say anything. I'm not mad."

"You told me once you'd be disappointed if this happened. Are you?"

"I am. But disappointment is part of life."

I can almost feel his sigh.

"Take care of yourself, Saylor."

"You too, Canyon."

Then the line is dead, and all I can do is stare at the phone, almost willing him to call me back.

Except he's not going to.

And despite what I'd said about being okay, I'm pretty much the opposite of okay.

In fact, my heart is shattered.