Chapter 34

THIRTY-FOUR

Saylor

Pleasure and pain.

I've never been a fan of combining the two.

Until tonight.

Canyon is bigger than anyone I'd done anal with before, so the burn is significant. Until it's not. Everything blurs into a crazy combination of good, bad, and the best I've ever had. I've never come so hard, for so long, until I'm certain my soul has left my body and all that's left is a lifeless carcass.

Except I'm still alive.

And the most amazing man I've ever known has collapsed against me.

He's still inside of me, his cock pulsing against the sensitive nerve endings, and I don't want it to end.

"You okay, baby?" he whispers, lifting his head to look into my eyes.

"That was…incredible."

"Did I hurt you?"

"A little. But it was so good too."

"It'll hurt less if we do it more often."

"Mmkay." I wrap my arms around him. "Do we have to move?"

"Nope." He's heavy on top of me, but I like how it feels.

He's strong and warm, and his steady heartbeat makes me feel safe.

Wanted.

Loved .

We haven't used the word directly, beyond the conversation we had, but I feel it when we're together. Especially when our bodies are linked like this. The intimacy is tangible, and I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm in love with him. Deeply, completely in love.

It's terrifying, but it feels right.

It feels like where I need to be, both in my life and in my heart.

"Canyon?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you happy?"

"What?" He lifts his head to look at me.

"Are you happy? With this…us. I mean, when we started you were clear you weren't relationship material. Then things changed, and we talked about how intense our feelings got, but there's been a lot going on. I guess I'm checking in, to make sure this is what you want. That I make you happy."

"God, yes." He drops his head to lightly kiss me. "I'm sorry if I'm not more romantic. I told you I'm not good at that stuff, but you make me happy. I wish I had more time to show you how I feel."

"I don't need presents or romantic walks on the beach—I can plan those for us." I push a lock of his wavy dark hair out of his face. "But I need to know you're good. That this is really what you want. Because I'm falling hard."

He doesn't respond, instead capturing my lips for a kiss that speaks of the kinds of promises he's not ready to vocalize.

And that's okay.

Because I feel what he's telling me.

It's always simmering just beneath the surface, and never more so than right now.

"I'm waiting for the right time," he says when we finally pull apart.

"For what?"

"To say the words. That word." He looks completely serious as he continues. "I need the first time I say it, as an adult, to the woman I'm with, to be special. Momentous. I don't know why exactly, but it has to be right."

"That's fine." I nod. "I understand. I can wait."

"I'm trying to be the man you need me to be," he says.

"You don't have to do anything different. You are the man I need you to be. If you weren't, I wouldn't have let things get this far. I'm invested, Canyon. In you. In us. And that includes Ally."

"I know she's made things complicated for us, but I'm going to talk to her when I get back from this trip. Either alone or in therapy. I know she's been through a lot, and I'll be patient with her, but she has to at least try. She's struggling with school and everything else, but something has to give."

"How's it going with Marjorie now that you're gone?"

"Not well. She said she's mean and made her eat kale."

I bite my lip so I don't laugh, but a giggle escapes anyway. "Kale is the devil's lettuce. We need to tell Marjorie to let it go."

"Yeah, I'm going to talk to her about that. The kid's been through enough. She can't eat pizza every night, but she doesn't have to eat kale. There can be balance, like carrots and corn. We can work on greens gradually. I don't think Carly cooked much."

"It's okay. We'll figure it out."

We're quiet for a while, and I'm starting to feel sleepy, but we need to clean up.

"Let's take a quick shower," I whisper. "Then go to bed. I'm tired."

"Me too." He slowly pulls out and I feel a loss that leaves me momentarily out of sorts. But then he leans over and scoops me up in his arms, cradling me against his chest like I'm precious to him.

And everything is right in my world.

* * *

A ringing somewhere in the room wakes me, and I roll over in confusion. My phone is on the nightstand next to me, and it's quiet, so I realize it must be Canyon's phone.

Shit.

"Canyon." I nudge him. "Your phone."

"Wha—" He rolls over and then quickly sits up. "Shit." He swings his legs over the side of the bed and pads over to where he'd dropped his pants before. "Yeah, hello? Ally?"

I can't hear what she's saying, but she must be rambling because Canyon keeps trying to interrupt.

"Ally. Allison! Honey, I can't understand you." In the semi-darkness he turns to me, his face filled with confusion as he hits the button to put her on speaker phone.

"…she hit me!" Ally is sobbing.

"She hit you?" Canyon's voice is thick with sleep, but also filled with anger. "Marjorie hit you?"

"Yes! It's Saturday night so I wasn't tired. I was…" She hiccoughs. "…reading in bed. She came in and started yelling about rules and boundaries and then she yanked my book out of my hands and ripped it in half! It's a library book!" She bursts into tears again.

"Calm down, Ally. Tell me the rest."

"I got mad and yelled at her for tearing my book. I told her she was going to have to pay for it and that you were going to fire her. And she slapped me!" She's crying harder now, and I can see Canyon clenching and unclenching his fists.

"Is she there? I need to talk to her."

"No! I'm locked in my room. I'm not coming out until you get here! I hate her!"

"Sweetie, I'm in New York. I don't know how long it's going to take me to get there."

"I don't care!"

"I can go," I offer quietly.

"No!" Ally's sobbing again. "I want Uncle Canyon! You promised! You said you'd take care of me, you said you would be here for me. Please, Uncle Canyon! Please don't make me stay with Marjorie!"

"What about Colleen? Can I call her until I can get there?" he asks.

"Y-yes."

"I'm going to call Marjorie and then Colleen, and I'll call you back. If she touches you again, you call 911. You hear me?"

"Yes."

"Don't cry—I'll get there as soon as I can."

He disconnects and stares at me. "She slapped her. She ripped a book in half and slapped her? What in the ever-loving fuck is going on?"

A protectiveness I've never felt before flares inside of me. Who slaps a kid over reading a book in bed? What the fuck is wrong with her?

"What can I do?" I feel like I need to be helpful. "Do you want me to go with you?"

He hesitates. "I need to deal with this, and you have to work this week."

"So do you."

"I know, but she's my responsibility. I have to take care of this because… well, I did promise her that I wouldn't let anything happen to her. And even if I hadn't, I mean, she slapped an eleven-year-old for reading in bed. On a Saturday night! What the fuck?"

"I don't understand people," I say, shaking my head.

"I'm sorry…" He runs his hands through his hair. "I have to deal with…"

"It's okay. Do what you have to do. It's almost six, so we were going to get up soon anyway. I'll order coffee."

"Thanks, babe." He brushes a kiss on my forehead and then gets on the phone.

He calls Colleen, then Marjorie—who doesn't answer—and then the airline.

I sit on the bed watching helplessly as he tries to handle a situation he's not at all prepared for.

And it's obvious he doesn't want my help.

I understand, because I do have to work, and Ally seems extremely vulnerable and emotional right now, but it hurts a little.

If we're going to be a couple, shouldn't we be dealing with this together?

Ally has no reason to hate me. I've never been anything but kind and patient with her, so it's frustrating to be in a situation like this.

And if I'm honest, I'm afraid.

I'm totally invested—in both of them—but I can feel him pulling away, focusing on his niece instead of me.

It's reasonable. Expected even. But that doesn't make me feel any better about it.

Will Ally always manipulate our lives?

I'm willing to make sacrifices for her, because her situation breaks my heart, but she won't let me get close enough to show her how much I want to be there for her. And then it seems like every time Canyon and I find our groove as a couple, something happens to put distance between us. It's beginning to frustrate me even though it's no one's fault.

"I'm on an eight o'clock flight," he tells me as he gets dressed. "I've already called for a cab. I'm sorry I have to miss the breakfast, but I need to deal with this."

"I understand."

He pauses. "I'm sorry this keeps happening."

"Me too."

Our eyes meet, and I can see the conflict in his.

He's struggling too.

And this isn't his fault.

"Go," I say gently. "Take care of her. You're all she has. I'll be fine."

"I really am sorry." He reaches out to stroke my cheek. My skin tingles from his touch, and I long to throw my arms around him, but he doesn't need me to make things any harder on him. He has enough to deal with.

"Call and let me know what happens," I say.

"I will."

He still looks conflicted, and I motion with my chin. "Go on. Your cab is probably here."

"I'll call you when I get there," he says finally.

"Okay. And fire that bitch."

He grunts. "You better believe it. I don't care what Ally was doing, don't put your hands on my kid."

I smile.

His kid.

He probably doesn't even realize he's become her dad.

It's pretty sweet, even though it means less time with me.

But somewhere deep down, I'm afraid it's only going to get worse.