17. Chapter 17

We worked almost around the clock to create the additional five songs needed for the album and somehow managed to finish by the timeline Ray had insisted on. It brought the total to twenty-five songs for the band to pick from. I couldn't believe Gage and I had composed this much material in about six weeks. Working those long hours alongside Gage was dreamlike for me. I saw every side of him and inside the deepest recesses of his soul when we were in that basement studio.

I knew this man and I loved every piece I uncovered. I loved his patience, his genius, and his openness to compromise. I appreciated his work ethics, and I even loved his sudden bursts of anger when he grew truly frustrated with something. Usually, it was an easy fix we could do quickly by changing a couple of chords or notes here and there. But our working relationship was perfection. We just gelled in such a way that the music simply flowed through us at an organic level, like we were nothing more than a conduit for a higher power's musical prowess using us to sing their songs. I never imagined something like this existed and now it was my life. Gage and I made this happen and created this together and that was something I'd be proud of for the rest of my days.

It was the writing process that cemented our personal relationship, as well. Our bond went deep—deeper than I thought was possible. Once Gage let himself be free to feel these new emotions and his protective walls had vanished, he was all in and I loved seeing the happiness on his face every day. He was relaxed and curious, always ready to experience another level of intimacy—even if it was just taking a walk together holding hands while sharing stories.

He wasn't a rock star to me or someone who lived his life in the spotlight. He was an open book with beautiful, intriguing details on every page I turned. He was a private and introspective man who was thoughtful and kind and who I realized two weeks ago I was hopelessly in love with. I hadn't told him yet and had no plans to reveal that just yet. I wanted to be sure he felt the same or was close to it before I admitted my truth.

Now we sat side by side on the band's private jet flying back to Los Angeles holding hands. Gage was quiet and I could feel the tension ebbing back into him. Muscles were coiling up in knots that had been lax for weeks. As good as we knew our collaboration had gone, I knew he had trepidation bringing these songs to his band. I couldn't blame him for that. This new material exposed him to the bone—probably on levels his band didn't know existed. But I'd seen this side of Gage and it was a beautiful sight to behold. After listening to these new compositions there wasn't a chance anyone wouldn't know where his head or his heart was and that's the part that unnerved Gage so much. I knew he didn't have anything to worry about, though. The material was Multi-Platinum good—possibly even Diamond level, and I was so damn proud of Gage for putting himself out there on this album.

I glanced over at him. His gaze was pointed outside watching the cloud formations pass by just beyond the wing. "You okay?" I asked after squeezing his fingers with mine.

"Never better," he answered, throwing a warm smile at me. After another pause between us he said, "Have you ever been behind the scenes to witness how fucking crazy things can get in this business?"

I felt my face pale and averted my gaze. Why was he asking me a question like that? Had Ray actually told him about my connection to the music industry? If I told Gage about my ex, would I potentially be opening myself up to a larger scale excavation of my past? I exhaled slowly to compose myself and then chose to go the route of telling part of the truth.

"I used to work for Ben Golden as a PA," I stated flatly.

"Delirium Dreams?" he asked.

I nodded at Gage and rubbed the back of my neck to work out the tension. "He and I were. . . more for a while—until he cheated, and I quit."

"No shit," Gage said. "You and Ben? Fuck, I never would have guessed that. I've only ever seen him with women, although I do remember hearing a few rumors. I've never put too much stock in hearsay, though, because I know how some people love to distort the truth to create a spin they can use for their own agendas."

"You can say that again," I agreed and glanced at Gage. His face looked serious, like he was still chewing on the new information I'd given to him. "Are you upset to hear about Ben?"

Gage looked at me and shook his head. "No, not really," he answered. "Unless he was the love of your life or something."

"I had feelings for him, and at one point, I thought I loved him, but I couldn't allow myself to love someone who couldn't be faithful to me," I admitted.

"Have you been with anyone else in the music business I might know?"

"No, I swore after Ben I'd never have a relationship with someone I worked with," I said, and Gage's eyes bulged. "I know what you're thinking. I'm with you now, so I obviously didn't keep that oath. I don't have an explanation for you either, except to say you are so different from Ben and I decided to risk getting hurt again because my gut instinct told me you were worth the risk. I was right."

"Are you still in contact with him?" Gage asked.

"No way," I replied. "I haven't seen or talked to him since I walked out."

"Then I guess he really is irrelevant," he stated but his mood seemed more tense now than it was a short time ago.

"He's completely irrelevant," I confirmed but Gage remained quiet, mindlessly looking at anything but me.

"You know I'll always be faithful to you, right?" he finally said.

"Same goes for me, Gage."

"I'll always be truthful, too," he added, "but that needs to go both ways if this is going to work."

His eyes held mine for a long moment and I swear I could feel him reaching inside of me to see if there was anything left I wasn't telling him. For now, I'd shared the details I had the strength to say out loud and it would have to be enough.

"I would expect nothing less from either of us," I said. Gage agreed but he still seemed apprehensive about something. "Are you nervous about seeing everyone when we get back to Los Angeles?"

"Definitely, but not because I think the guys won't like these songs," he said.

"Then why?" I asked, thankful for the change in subject.

He chuckled softly and looked at our entwined fingers resting on his thigh. Then his eyes met mine and they positively sparkled with emotion that stole my breath. "Because of what this album is about," he whispered. "It's right there for the world to hear. There isn't a chance in hell anyone will miss it."

"What are you thinking they'll hear?" I asked to keep him talking.

Gage lifted our joined hands and kissed my knuckles. "They're going to hear how I feel about my life and career, but mostly they're going to know exactly how deeply I feel about who I'm sharing my life with these days," he said softly.

"Are you worried about the backlash?" I asked.

Gage shook his head. "I don't want you to be hurt in any way by what some people might say," he explained. "That's what I'm most concerned about. If you suffer for one minute, it will kill me."

I gripped his hand tighter and waited until he looked at me again. "Never worry about me," I said. "I'm a big boy and I've already lived through—and survived—the name calling, bullying, and the beat-downs when I came out. It's all been hurled at me before and I still kept my head held high. I don't give a flying fuck what they say about me. I only care about what you think of me and how they treat you. The rest means nothing."

Gage opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. He tried again and then cleared his throat as if that might help but he still stumbled over his words.

"What is it?" I asked, anxious there might be something bigger going on inside his head than I imagined. "You can tell me anything, Gage. I am your safe place to let it fly free."

"I'm so fucking grateful we met," he said with a slow shake of his head, like he was in disbelief we'd come to be what we were today. "I'm grateful I made the first move and kissed you. I'm grateful every morning I wake up and you're beside me in bed and I'm grateful for every single day we have together, and I'd be grateful to have many more days to come."

The relief I felt from his words was palpable. I was dizzy and breathing was suddenly a difficult task to accomplish, and I felt tears building in my eyes. Gage's focus never left mine and I had no doubt he could see that I was on the verge of letting those tears fall. He was being vulnerable again by exposing another piece of himself to me. I was in awe and so blown away by his braveness to be so open.

"I'm pretty sure I'm in love with you—nope, wait a minute," Gage said and drew in a deep breath before he continued. "I'm owning this right here and now." His tone was so soft I wasn't sure if I'd heard him right. "I'm definitely in love with you, Cain. That's my truth."

"You love me?" I asked.

"So fucking much," he sighed. "I was pretty sure that's what I was feeling weeks ago but every day that's passed since then I've had more and more clarity. I know it's love, even though I've never felt this for anyone else. No other emotion explains this feeling, so it has to be love. Crazy, isn't it? It took me all of six weeks to fall head over heels for you, Cain."

My smile bloomed and I reached for his face with my free hand. "I've known for a while that I love you, too, Gage. I don't think it matters how much time it took for us to get here, only that we're both here at the same time."

Gage blew out a long breath. "This is completely unexpected and possibly insane on my part but I've never been happier in my life."

I laughed loudly and leaned in to kiss Gage. "There is always a level of insanity that comes with being in love. It's risky to put your heart out there but we have each other to lean on."

"I'd like you to come to the studio with me tomorrow after we land in LA," Gage said.

"Really? I figured you'd want to have time with your band to listen to the new tracks objectively," I said. "You don't need me hovering."

Gage turned in his seat to face me better. "This meeting is about more than listening to the new tracks," he said. "I want to introduce you to them. They need to know who co-wrote these songs with me. Plus, I want them to know we're together. It's important to me that they know the full truth—directly from the horse's mouth."

"And. . . you're the horse implied in that phrase?" I teased.

"Actually, I'm more of a horse's ass in most cases, but not with you, Cain," he replied. "You're the only one I've shared this much of myself with, and that bit of honesty probably shocks me more to hear than it does you, but it's the truth."

My chest felt tight and my heart was thudding loudly in my ears. How the hell did I get so lucky to find a man like Gage? Was I being rewarded for the rocky stretch I'd survived after my parents died? I didn't know but I was overflowing with happiness and love. I'd like to think my parents would be proud of the man I am today—in love with an absolutely amazing man. I only wish they could have met him.

Several hours later the band's jet landed at the executive airport. Gage had his driver there with an SUV to pick us up. Exhaustion was wearing on both of us because we'd been working almost until the moment we had to leave the lake estate to get on the jet. We'd had little time for sleep, food, or anything intimate in the days leading up to our departure. It was more important that Gage had enough songs to take with him to the band and I totally understood his reasoning. We'd both managed a few hours of sleep on the plane, which was good because once we were picked up on the tarmac there wouldn't be time for anything before we went back to work all over again.

We barely had time to race to Gage's hillside estate from the airport to shower and change into clean clothes before we had to leave to get to the studio downtown on time. Our schedule was tight and Ray really wanted to keep things on time. The plan was to meet the guys at the studio, do introductions, and then go through a full review of the tracks before they began to start adding the band elements to the tracks. Tomorrow would be a long day of picking apart the songs and this process would be repeated for the next few days until Iris's unique spin was all over this material. Gage and my collaborative work would remain as the foundation but all the elements from the ground level up would be supplied by the guys themselves. More or less.

It was obvious how anxious Gage was but now I was, too. My heart was in my throat as we raced through Los Angeles traffic to get to the studio. With all my bravado of how good our work was, there was that tiny whisper of doubt in the back of my brain that wanted to leave me anxious that the guys would hate the material and I'd feel like I'd failed Gage in some way. He'd put his trust in me to help him create an amazing album and I did my absolute best to achieve that with him. The rest was up to the critics waiting for us across town.

This was a big moment for both of us. Besides the music, I was nervous the guys might be resentful I had any part in the writing process with Gage. I also worried they might be angry about the changes they'd see in him. To his own admission, Gage described himself as a very different man than the one I got to know at the house in New York. His bandmates would certainly see the difference in him and what would that mean for us? The other issue was what happened if the guys didn't like the music we were bringing to them? I was still unclear about that piece as well. Then what? Would I be out of a job? Would Gage realize I wasn't the man for him after all?

My stomach was in knots the entire drive to the studio—which we made in a stunning older model Porsche from a very large, personal collection Gage stored in an enormous garage on his property. This was one garage of two that he owned. The other one was located on the outskirts of LA.

We hadn't had enough time for a proper tour of his home either. All of that would have to wait until they finished their first full review of each new track. After that we'd be able to go back to his house and sleep as long as we could to restore our energy once again.

I was hoping for a tour of his city home and at least one good meal to feed our depleted systems. Neither of us had eaten anything since the scrambled eggs, bacon, and fruit salad we'd been served for breakfast on the jet by the flight attendant staff. But by the time we arrived at the nondescript warehouse they used to record, east of the city proper, I was close to throwing up the delicious food we'd eaten on the trip back home.

Gage found an empty spot to park in the lot to the left of a four-story warehouse and shut off the engine to his sexy-as-hell car. I glanced around and noticed the paved lot was surrounded by an eight-foot-high chain link fence with razor wire on the top and a security post as you pulled in to park. There were several ultra-nice sports cars and regular mid-priced vehicles parked in spots near the front. Toward the back of the lot I could see a row of nicely maintained tractor trailers that were positioned beside four long, sleek touring buses. From this distance they looked about the same but I imagined their interiors differed as much as the band members I assumed rode inside.

A small security house at the front gate had an armed guard inside named Roger checking IDs, and his ornery Rottweiler partner called Moses. They worked the day shift to keep the compound safe and I had no doubts they did. I saw two more guards walking around the property as we pulled into the lot as well. No one was getting into this compound without the proper documentation.

Gage found a spot to park but remained in his seat for a moment, staring at the steering wheel. "I'm not sure I'm ready for this but hopefully it'll go smoother than I think."

"They're going to be blown away, Gage," I said to encourage him.

He turned to smile at me, and my bones melted right there in the seat. "I guess we won't know unless we get out of the car," he quipped.

We stepped out and I followed him to a side door of the building. He held the door for me and I walked inside first and I felt the soft brush of his fingers linger for a beat too long at my lower back. A shiver raced through me at the fact that in his own very small way Gage was claiming me. Gage walked to the check-in desk and we essentially signed in with another round of security clearance before we were finally allowed to enter the inner sanctum of the studio beyond.

The first room we stepped into was a reception area but it looked more like someone's living room, with a buffet table set up on one end with platters of lunch meat and cheeses for sandwiches chilled on ice, various breads and rolls, and every condiment you could possibly want. There was also a large bowl of salad greens and a selection of dressings to go with it. Another bowl contained potato chips. At the very end of the table was a bucket with iced bottles of water and a selection of juices and soda to drink. I chuckled internally when I noticed beside the drinks were opened bottles of a wide variety of booze to go with them.

"Are you hungry?" Gage asked me as we approached the table.

I shook my head, knowing he wanted to get to work. "I'm okay for the moment," I replied.

"Yeah, me, too," he said. "I kind of just want to get inside the studio."

"I completely understand," I said. "Do you know if they're here yet?"

Gage nodded as we walked away from the food table. "I saw their cars outside when we parked."

"Good, then you can play the new music for them," I said and patted him in the center of his back.

"Hi, Gage," a woman seated at a desk in the opposite corner shouted to us. She was a pretty blonde with bright red nails that matched her lips which I could see from our end of the room. I felt some of the tension ease from Gage's body at the sound of what I assumed was a familiar voice to him. Then I wondered how familiar she was to him.

"Hey, Kimmie," Gage said and waved. "What room are we using today?"

"Everyone is waiting for you in studio 3B," Kimmie stated.

Gage gave her another wave and I followed him down a long corridor with several numbered rooms on each side. He stopped at 3B and froze. I bumped into his backside from the abrupt stop but I didn't move away. I sensed he needed to feel my presence and hoped my heat would lend some kind of comfort to ease the nerves he had floating around inside of him.

"No matter what happens inside that room, we'll keep working on the pieces until it's symphony quality," I whispered beside his ear. "And know that whatever they have to say—I love you. We created greatness and you damn well know it."

Gage turned around and set his forehead against mine. I felt and heard his heavy exhale float between us. "I'm so relieved to have you here to share this with me, Cain," he whispered, his gaze boring into mine. "Whatever the fuck they have to say, know how proud I am of you and what we've accomplished with these songs. I fell in love with you during this process and I'll never forget it. Every minute of every day was incredible."

"And nights," I snorted softly.

"Especially the nights," he replied. "Let's get in there and do this."

Gage inhaled, pushed the door open and stepped inside with me right behind him. "Hello my brothers," Gage's booming voice rang out and everyone stopped chattering and came to the center of the room. "Are you ready to have your ears blown off?"