18. Nick

CHAPTER 18

NICK

One day, Clara, we’ll leave this place and have it all. In the open. Where no one can hurt us. - Nick

It was bedtime. Clara and I were in the kitchen listening as the kids moved around upstairs getting ready for bed.

“Stay for a drink?” I asked after the kids had gone silent. She didn’t answer, but her face spoke for her.

I pulled her into my arms and kissed her. Having her close like this, in my house, made my senses spin. I wanted more than I could have right now, and it was frustrating.

“They won’t get up? What about Sasha? It’s her first time with her period. Do you think she’ll be okay?”

“If they get up, we’ll be in the living room. The neighbor thing seems to be a good cover. For now, anyway.”

“I’d love to stay for a bit. Tonight was nice.”

We headed into the living room to talk. I knew I couldn’t take her upstairs. She couldn’t stay the night with me, no matter how much I wanted her to. I needed more of a commitment from her and less uncertainty about our future before I brought it up to the kids.

Clara and I sat on opposite ends of the couch. “Do you mind if we talk about Sasha? I want to make sure I’m doing the right things for her. Morgan is out of town, but even if she wasn’t, I don’t relish the thought of talking about this with her.”

“I get it, and I think it’s wonderful you want to support your daughter. Sure, ask me anything. I don’t mind. I’m glad you’re so open about it and not grossed out. It will mean a lot to her.”

I slid my eyes to hers. “Any man grossed out by a period doesn’t deserve to call himself a man.”

“I mean, yeah.” She shrugged one shoulder up. “It’s a huge part of life.”

“Does she need chocolate? Is that a real thing? What about Midol?” I drove my hands into my hair and pressed my palms against my eyes. “God, Clara, she still wants Squishmallows for her birthday and she just got her period. I want to hug her and make her feel okay again. It was so much easier when she was little. What else should I do for her. Any ideas?”

“I know I said I’d help. But actually, I—I have no ideas, Nick. No one ever . . .” She shook her head and looked out into the dark outside my front window. “Uh, my sisters and I had to—like, our mother sat us down and explained it to us all at once. Just the one time. Willa was only six, she flipped out completely at the thought of bleeding.” Her gaze was faraway. “Anyway, Momma would buy a shitload of supplies every month and put them in the bathroom. We were okay,” she quickly added when she caught sight of my horrified look. “We figured it out. Well, mostly Sadie did because she was first, then she helped the rest of us.”

“Oh, baby. Come here.” I pulled her into my arms. “I’m so sorry.”

She was stiff in my arms. “What? I’m fine.”

“I didn’t mean to bring up bad memories for you. You deserved better—you all did. I’m sorry your mom didn’t take the time to explain it all and ease any fears y’all had.”

“Oh my god, Nick.” She pulled out of my arms and leaned back. “You have to stop. You’re being far too sweet and understanding. It’s making it too hard to resist you.”

“Good, don’t resist me.” I pulled her back into my side and kissed her temple. “The last thing I want is resistance. What’s going on? Talk to me.”

“I don’t know what to say to you half the time.” She tucked her cheek in my chest to hide. “The closer we get, the more I get scared that I’ll lose you all over again. It’s irrational and stupid and I feel like an idiot, but I can’t make it stop.”

“You’re not an idiot⁠—”

“Thank you for saying that, but I’m being difficult, I know I am. I’ve heard it before, so many times, and I don’t mean to be this way⁠—”

I pulled back so I could look her in the eye. “Wait a minute, stop. Clara, who told you that you’re difficult? We need to get into this so I can fix it. I don’t want anything standing in our way, okay? Tell me who it was. Better yet, give me an address and I’ll show him what the word difficult really means.”

She patted my chest and offered me a weak smile. “No, I’m okay. I swear.”

“You’re entitled to your feelings, Clara. You feel what you feel. I feel what I feel. Then we work it out. That’s how relationships should work, remember?”

“Um, I mean . . .”

“I just want to understand you.”

“Get in line. That’s my number one goal too, hence my many years of therapy.”

I sifted a hand through her hair, brushing the soft strands over her shoulder. “I wish you could trust me again. I wish—god, I wish so many things. It’s pointless to list them all.” She took my hand in both of hers, bringing it up to her lips to kiss the back.

“I understand, really, I do. But even I don’t trust myself. You should run while you still have a chance.”

I leaned my forehead against hers and whispered, “I don’t have a chance, not anymore. I’m gone for you again, heartbreaker.”

“Oh, Nick. I’m trying.” She closed her eyes. “I promise I am.”

“Maybe you can go to the Fall Festival with me and the kids. We can keep it casual, neighborly. You can get to know the kids better with zero pressure.” It was a longshot, but why not ask? What could it hurt?

Clara was great with Sasha and Ethan, and I wanted them to end up feeling close to her. My mother’s remarriage ruined my family, and I wanted better for my kids.

“I would love to . . .”

“But . . . ?” My skeptical look made her laugh.

“My mom has had a booth there every year since the farm got successful. Gracie and I are on duty with her for this one. You can bring them by and visit me, though. I would love that.”

“Am I allowed to ask if you’re okay with working with your mom? If you don’t want to talk about it, say the word.”

“Yes, of course you’re allowed. This year will be the first time I’ll be okay with being there with her.” She looked more at ease talking about her mom than I’d ever seen. “She’s getting help, Nick. Being around her doesn’t feel like pretending or playacting family life anymore, if that makes any sense at all. I mean, it feels like we have an actual shot at being a real family.”

My eyebrows shot up. “That’s amazing.” I was so glad to hear it. Clara deserved to have her mother’s genuine affection.

“She acknowledged how badly she treated us when we were growing up and apologized for it. She even offered insight into what was going on in her life and why she was so angry all the time. I mean, it’s getting better and better, but it’s still—never mind. It’s just a bunch of old insecurities I’m dealing with.”

“Hey. You can tell me.”

“I don’t quite know how to be fully at ease around her when I can’t completely trust her yet. I constantly question everything.” Her voice was fragile; she was fragile.

My heart lurched in my chest, but I had to hold myself back instead of holding her like I wanted to. The urge to pull her close so I could try to absorb her pain was achingly familiar. This was the Clara I remembered, and I wanted her back.

I wanted her mine.

I wanted all the fucking years we’d wasted gone so I could follow my instincts instead of fighting against them while I waited for her to trust me again.

We used to talk about ourselves and our lives at home all the time. We’d worked out our problems together; she’d been my best friend. The mouthy, defiant Clara was definitely part of her personality and always had been, but it felt like she hid behind it now to protect herself. It made me sad because I could tell it was hard for her to open up like this with me now.

“Is she giving you a hard time?”

“No, she says she understands.” She paused, gathering her thoughts. “But it’s the opposite of how she’s always been, so it feels weird. It almost makes it harder to accept the changes she’s making.”

“All you can do take it day by day. Kind of what we need to do with each other too, right?”

She pulled back and quirked an eyebrow in my direction. “Are you really this patient?”

“When it comes to you, I am. Well, I’m trying to be. But I have to admit something—I’m exhausted. I can’t sleep anymore.”

Her worried gaze scanned my face. “What’s wrong? I hope you know you can talk to me too, about anything.”

“I want you back in my bed. Now that I know what it’s like to fall asleep with you, it’s all I can think about when I close my eyes. And then I start missing you.”

“Nick, I miss you too.”

“We’ll get there. Count on it.”