31. Chapter 31

I'd been avoiding Cooper all week, despite knowing he wanted to talk to me, but not yet. It'd been hard as hell getting him out of my head. Out? No, he wasn't out. He lived in my brain and heart rent-free. I fucking ached for him, but losing Cooper made me realize how deeply I'd fallen for him. I hadn't recognized it at the time, but since I'd been missing a piece of my heart and soul, I did now.

I loved him.

That was the fucking worst of it and why I didn't want to talk to him. I needed more time to heal, and I would eventually. We could salvage our friendship, but not yet.

Lisa had been awesome during the party, keeping me entertained, laughing, and distracted from Cooper. She tried to set me up with one of her gay friends, but I had no interest in him at all. Maybe down the road, but not now. I wasn't ready.

I thought about asking my friends to come to the party, but I didn't want to rehash all that shit with Cooper. I'd been avoiding them simply because it hurt too much to repeat everything that had happened. Lisa already knew, so I only hung out with her. I'd tell them later when I wouldn't shatter, retelling my story.

I'd been sitting on the sofa with Lisa and some other people while playing guitar and singing a little song I'd made up when I stood to grab a drink.

"Can I grab you anything?" I asked Lisa.

"Yeah, just a beer is cool. Thanks."

As I stepped into the living room, I stopped in my tracks, seeing the head of red hair that I would know anywhere, standing out among all the dancers. I'd run my fingers through it often enough.

It couldn't be.

Please don't let it be. I'd break into a million pieces at seeing Cooper tonight.

As I walked closer, my stomach twisted into something ugly, and my heart stopped, making me gasp for breath. Dancing in the center was Cooper, holding a pretty blond girl. He was smiling down at her as they chatted so effortlessly. He looked… happy.

The scene only proved how much he wasn't into me compared to how I was into him. He liked me, but not enough. I was never enough. The young woman would be perfect to please his parents and his teammates. He'd never have to face ridicule and hatred for being with a man. I didn't fault him at all, but that didn't mean I didn't feel the knife plunge into my heart because he got over me so fast. It only took a week to move on, like we were never anything to each other.

And I only had myself to blame. I wanted to have fun with Cooper and explore. It was me who ended up with feelings for him. I hadn't expected it, but it happened. Then I fucking just leaped headfirst as I always did, pressuring him.

Still…

It. Fucking. Hurt.

So much.

My eyes burned with the threatening of tears, hating that I was getting so worked up over this—over him.

He never liked you that much. Stop wasting tears on him.

I needed to get out of there, so I turned back around, desperate to leave. I struggled to breathe. No one prepared me for these feelings of loving someone who didn't love you back. No one prepared me for the all-consuming pain.

Fuck, get me out of here.

Lisa must have sensed my distress because she stood and met me halfway. I gripped her arms and rested my head against hers as she grabbed me back.

"What's wrong, Asp? Talk to me."

"He's here."

"The one you like?"

"The one I love," I confessed. "I can't do this. I've got to go."

"Okay, I've got you. Let's get you home. I'll drive you."

"God, thank you, Lis. You have no idea how much I appreciate you."

She rested a palm on my face and smiled. "We're friends and that's what friends do for each other."

I looked up once more at Cooper, who looked right at me with so much anger, making my stomach twist and burn. What the hell?

"Let's go," I said.

Lisa wrapped a protective arm around me to steer me away. I quickly grabbed my guitar and shoved it into the case. Then I grabbed her hand and walked out into the chilly night. I hadn't brought a jacket because I didn't want to carry it around, but now I was shivering in the thirty-degree temperature.

"Aspen."

Cooper's voice stopped me dead in my tracks because I was so drawn to him, but all my insides screamed at me to move. To run. To not look back and keep going for my heart and sanity. I couldn't talk to him right now, or else I'd fucking lose it.

"Aspen," he said again when I didn't turn around.

Lisa looked back at him. She must have known right then that I was in love with my roommate. "You don't have to talk to him, Asp," she said quietly enough so he couldn't hear.

"It's okay. I'll… meet you at the car."

She nodded, took my guitar case, and walked off.

I turned around to face Cooper with my arms wrapped around me, shivering from the cold and nerves.

"I'm sorry, Asp," he said.

I swallowed the growing lump in my throat and used all my power to keep my lips from trembling. "What for?"

"That girl. It's not what it looks like. I'm not into her."

"It's all good, Coop."

I hated lying because things weren't good at all, but this time, I lied to protect my heart, making me question this need to be so honest all the time. Did I need to be? What was the point if it hurt so much? Did my honesty hurt others like this? God, I had some serious thinking to do. I went about life doing ‘whatever' because it made me happy. Sometimes, I forgot about the potential consequences when I wasn't directly affected.

His pretty, stormy eyes scrutinized me. He'd never believed I was a liar. It wasn't the first time I'd lied to him, but he didn't know that. "You don't look like it's good."

I used up the last bit of energy I had and gave him a smile that hurt down to my soul. "I need more time."

Cooper took a step forward, and I backed up on instinct. "You keep saying that."

"What else do you want me to say, Superstar?"

With that, I shoved my hands in my denim pockets, turned my back on him, and rushed toward Lisa's car.

I couldn't do this. Cooper needed another place to stay. Living with him would kill me if I couldn't have him. It would be impossible for me to move on with him living there, constantly reminding me I would never have him the way I wanted, that I wasn't good enough. But I couldn't be mad at him. He had been honest with me and told me exactly where he stood. He made an effort to try, but it didn't work out. The whole bro-job thing started it all, and it was my fault. I only had myself to blame as I pressured him into everything.

How stupid of me to believe I wouldn't have fallen for him? How stupid of me to assume he would have simply because I did?

No, salvaging this friendship wouldn't work. I needed to protect myself.

I'd talk to him tomorrow and give him a deadline to move out.

Then tears spilled freely as I walked further and further away from him.

And he let me because I would never be enough.

Lisa and I got back to the apartment, and she dragged me to my bedroom. I fell into my bed and cried like a fucking baby. The tears fell earlier, but now they flowed freely. I felt so stupid. Stupid for falling in love so fast, for crying like this, and for assuming he'd hurt as much as I did. He said the girl meant nothing, but then why was he dancing with her? Was he trying to move on already?

I'd finally found my person, and I'd fucked it all up. But was he my person if he didn't want me back? Probably not. My person would've loved me in return.

Lisa curled into bed with me and held me as I cried. God, she was so nice. She didn't need to be there for me, but chose to be. I would never forget this.

"So, Cooper, huh?"

I nodded into her throat as she wound her fingers around my curls in a soothing motion that helped calm me down. "Yeah. Please don't tell anyone. He doesn't want anyone to know."

"You deserve to not be kept a secret, Asp."

"Yeah, that"s why he ended things with me. He didn't want to have to hide me."

"What brought all this on? Because I thought you two were straight, not that it matters, but the likelihood of two straight guys suddenly into each other is unusual."

"Well, you passed out at my party right after Cooper moved in. Mac told us a story about bro-jobs and his dorm roommate. They gave each other blow jobs to blow off steam when they weren't dating. You know me and my struggles to find an attachment. And Cooper had been cheated on, so he wasn't dating anyone…"

"So you propositioned him?"

"It seemed like a good idea at the time. I only wanted to explore, and that was it. I had no interest in falling for someone or having a boyfriend."

She huffed a laugh on my hair, blowing the curls. "Then you developed feelings."

"Yeah. When I finally confessed to Cooper, he seemed into me, too. He tried really hard for a couple of weeks, but he has so much pressure and weight on his shoulders. Everyone has high expectations of him, and he got scared."

Lisa sighed. "That's the hard part, isn't it? It shouldn't matter who we love, but it always fucking does. Everyone has a goddamn opinion. I'm so sorry, Asp."

She moved my hair away from my forehead and kissed it. God, I never appreciated a person more, especially since she didn't ask about my sexuality. That was usually the first question on a person's mind. ‘What are you? Bi? Gay?' Why did it fucking matter?

"Go take a shower or bath. You'll feel better. Then come back to bed, and I'll stay with you if you want."

I sat up and rubbed my eyes with the heels of my hands. "Thanks, Lis. Have I ever told you how amazing you are?"

She smiled and raised a black brow. "That's a first, but I'll be sure to remind you often."

"Deal."

For the first time since seeing Cooper at the party, I laughed. Then I kissed her cheek before climbing out of bed and heading to my bathroom to clean up.