30. Chapter 30

It'd been nearly a week since I called things off with Aspen, and it fucking sucked. It hurt so much. I missed holding him, touching him, kissing him, and all the other usual things we did together, like talking, cooking, hanging out, playing games, and even studying Spanish. He'd been avoiding me like the plague. Hell, I even missed Morpheus. Aspen had been my rock. Now I was dust.

Whenever I was home, Aspen spent most of his time in his room, doing who knows what. But whenever I sat in my room with the door shut, I would hear him coming out, rummaging around in the kitchen, and then the front door would slam closed, making the apartment feel entirely too empty and lonely.

When we had Spanish class together, he chose a different seat from where we usually sat together, and of course, Lisa followed him. That shit stung.

I understood Aspen needed more time, but how much time? When was a good time to approach him to talk again? Or I could stop being a fucking baby and just talk to him. But I was a coward. I didn't want to disturb his process of moving on.

As if you've moved on at all.

If I hadn't moved on, how could Aspen? I knew seeing him would hurt, but god, I fucking missed seeing his face. His smile.

Ending things with him that night had been excruciating. Seeing his crushed face and his attempts to control his emotions for both our sakes while trying to be the bigger person nearly killed me. When he walked away, that hurt even more than when I found out Amanda had cheated. No, this was ten times worse because Aspen and I still cared about each other.

After he walked away, I'd crashed into my bed with my own damn leaking eyes. And now, after nearly a week, I began to have doubts that our friendship was salvageable. Maybe he'd avoided me because he realized our friendship wouldn't survive. God, I hoped not.

But could I still be friends with him? I did this to salvage what remained of our friendship and to not hurt him further by keeping us in the closet, but did I want to be friends with someone I wanted so deeply that it became fucking torture? Yes, because Aspen was worth it.

But being hurt wasn't the worst of it. Breaking Aspen's heart had been horrible. I tried to tell myself that ending things spared his feelings down the road with my inability to go public. But now, I questioned everything.

Fuck my life.

I screamed into my pillow to let out all my pent-up frustrations, then removed it from my pathetic face. My phone was charging on my bed, and I grabbed it to text him, but I chickened out.

Suddenly, I heard him coming out of his bedroom. I rushed off of my bed and rested my hands on the door while leaning my ear on it. He said something to Morpheus before closing up his room. I put my hand on the knob, torn between rushing out there to talk to him and being a coward as I'd been since last Saturday.

My body involuntarily jumped as the front door slammed shut.

Fuck it.

I rushed back to my phone, opened it again, and texted him.

Me: Can we please talk now?

I waited for a beat, and my stomach flipped all over the fucking place, and I was suddenly nauseous as the dots appeared, notifying me he was responding. I chewed on my thumbnail as I waited.

Aspen: I need some more time, man.

I felt like Atlas with the weight of the world crashing down on me, except he was strong, and I wasn't. My life tore me apart from all sides, from needing to please my parents and worrying about my career to making Aspen happy. I had failed, and I didn't know what to do.

After morning classes, I headed to football practice, dragging my feet. I should've been more excited to practice and be ready for the big game. I needed to get my head in the game and out of my ass. We'd been practicing like hell every day, preparing for the Sugar Bowl, which was about two weeks away. Practices had been going surprisingly well, but I'd been hyper-focused to keep Aspen out of my brain.

In the locker room, I tugged off my hoodie and shoved it into my locker before I removed my T-shirt.

"We're kidnapping you," Bryce said from behind, making me jump. I turned to face Bryce, Ronnie, and a couple of other players with folded arms over their chests, looking serious.

"What's going on?" I asked.

Ronnie pointed at me. "You. You're what's going on. This is a love intervention."

I rolled my eyes as I sat on the bench and removed my Chucks, tossing them into my locker. "What are you talking about?" I knew exactly what they were talking about because I hadn't been myself all week. Shit, I'd barely been myself since the first bro-job between Aspen and me.

"Are you going to tell us what the fuck is going on with you? We're best friends, and quite frankly, I'm hurt that you haven't been coming to me," Bryce said, wearing only his football girdle. For the first time, I noticed my best friend's rippling muscles, and I quickly looked away.

Goddammit.

"I'm fine. I'm playing well during practice, am I not?"

"You're playing fine, baby, but you ain't fine."

I looked up at Ronnie and Bryce. "I'm good."

Bryce huffed. "Fine, be an ass, then. Regardless, we're kidnapping you tonight. There's an epic party, and we're going."

"I'm not in the mood for a party."

"You haven't been in the mood for shit in months. You haven't been yourself since that bitch, Amanda. Now, get your head out of your ass, because you're going to that party to finally loosen the fuck up, and then we're going to win that fucking Sugar Bowl trophy before we head to the championships. Is that clear? Team Captain's orders."

"Well, you sure got super bossy, Ronnie."

He raised a dark brow at me and folded his arms over his broad chest. "Well?"

I sighed and dropped my head. "Fine."

"Yes! It's going to be fucking epic!"

Bryce and Ronnie fist-bumped with the other guys, leaving me to my wallowing. They were right. I'd been miserable after Amanda. Now, I was miserable after Aspen, and even more so. I needed to have some fun.

The Christmas party was at a massive frat house. Students, already drunk, spilled inside and outside, were loud on top of the blaring music. The house was decorated with colorful Christmas lights and a massive blow-up Santa in the front yard.

Bryce, Cassie, and I stepped inside and headed straight to the kitchen to find ourselves drinks. Ronnie and his date planned to meet us here soon. He better show up since he ordered me here.

Hot bodies and loud Christmas music mixed in with the latest pop songs crammed the ample space, and the scent of sickly sweet weed assaulted my nose. Most people wore Christmas lights on their bodies or sparkling Santa hats. The party definitely seemed epic. Regardless, I couldn't find the energy to have fun and didn't feel so good, either. It was an all-around bad feeling, like how you get when you don't have enough sleep or you have a cold coming on. No wonder, with my stress about Aspen and worries about the Sugar Bowl coming up.

People I didn't know came up to Bryce and me, shaking our hands and patting our backs as if we were the most popular people in the room, but I never gave a shit about such things. I just loved the game. It had never been about the attention.

Once we reached the kitchen, we all grabbed a jello shot and then another before I grabbed a beer from the keg. But then someone handed me a shot and another. It didn't take long for me to catch a buzz.

A pretty girl with wavy blond hair to her shoulders came up to Cassie and hugged her. They chatted for a bit before Cassie wiggled her finger at me to bend down so she could talk to me over the noise.

"Don't hate me, okay?"

"I would never hate you."

She gave me a shrug and a sweet smile with a hint that said, ‘We'll see.'

"You've been really off lately, especially after listening to Bryce tell me what's going on with you. So, I thought I'd introduce you to Khloe. She's in a couple of my classes, and we've become great friends. Khloe is super sweet, smart, and down to earth. I think you two will hit it off."

I sighed with my gut tensing up so sharply that I put my hand there as if I could stop the pain with my touch. I didn't want to meet anyone new. Aspen still owned my heart and brain. But I'd also ended things. There wasn't any going back. Hell, he wasn"t even talking to me.

"I don't know, Cassie. I don"t want to date anyone."

She shrugged. "This doesn't have to be serious. Khloe understands that there are no obligations. This is only for the two of you to get to know each other and see if you hit it off. If not, no hard feelings, Coop."

Someone else I didn't know handed me another shot, and I downed it, feeling warmer and looser. I just went for it so I wouldn't keep getting pressured and then I would tell her I wasn't interested while away from my busybody friends.

My stomach shot another sharp pain, but I chugged my beer down and poured another. Only drinking would kill this ache in me.

"Fine, introduce me."

"Khloe, this is Cooper. Coop, this is Khloe."

We shook hands, and she had a pretty smile.

But not as nice as Aspen's smile with his little dimples.

Shut. Up.

"It's nice to meet you, Khloe," I said.

"You, too."

We chatted for a while, and I learned she planned to major in political science before she headed off to law school.

Soon, Ronnie showed up with his new girl in tow, and we all chugged down more shots. I finally felt loose and not suffocating in thoughts about Aspen. At least it stung less. The amount of alcohol I'd consumed drowned out most of my pain. We had practice tomorrow, but not until the afternoon, giving me time to sleep off my hangover before I needed to work out.

The room spun, filled with echoing laughter, allowing me to stop wallowing about a future I didn't want. I temporarily forgot about Aspen as Khloe saddled up next to me, standing too close. The drinks flowed, and I finally felt good, except for my stomach, which still hurt, though the alcohol dulled it a bit. At first, I assumed it was emotional pain turned physical over my loss of Aspen, but I realized it hurt too much for that and on my right side, so I brushed it off as something I ate.

Khloe suddenly grabbed my hand and dragged me to the living room, which had been turned into a dance floor. The song was slow and sweet as I wrapped my arms around her narrow waist and pulled her close. She slid her arms around my neck, and we swayed to the slow rhythm.

"What are your dreams, Cooper?" she asked, her green eyes slightly glazed from all the drinking.

"I want to be in the NFL." And to have Aspen in my life.

I shook out the errant thought from my stubborn brain.

"Ambitious. Do you think you'll make it?"

"I'm certainly going to try, but my parents want me to be a doctor like my brother."

"And you don't?"

I shook my head. "I don't want to talk about my future. It's depressing. Right now, I'd just like to forget about life for a while."

She gave me an understanding smile and rested her head on my chest.

I sensed nothing there. No spark or fire that I'd felt with Aspen. Only he could burn my body from the inside out with a simple smile. Fuck, I missed him. I planned to be more forceful tomorrow and talk to him. We needed to at least try to be friends again, as much as I would love to give him what we both wanted.

"I can't do this, Khloe," I suddenly said.

"Do what?"

"This. You and me. I'm… still getting over someone. I'm not ready."

She gave me a sweet smile and shrugged. "That's okay. Thanks for telling me. But I'd like to finish our dance if that's okay."

I looked down at her and smiled, appreciative she didn't pressure me. "Thanks."

As Khloe and I swayed to the music, something tugged my eyes toward the corner of the room. It was magnetic, as if I had no control over my brain.

I gasped, and my heart leaped up my throat while my stomach burned.

Aspen.

What was he doing here?

He looked so good in snug, ripped jeans and a red Henley, talking to his friend Lisa. Suddenly, he reached for her, grasping her upper arms and resting his head against hers. She held on tight to him, too, as they chatted before she placed a hand on his cheek. My stomach threatened to expel all the alcohol I'd just consumed at the intimate gesture.

Hell fucking no.

I found myself filled with jealousy I'd never experienced before over anyone. No, I'd been previously jealous over him, but not like this, not with the power behind it, like needing to burn things just to keep Aspen from touching Lisa.

They'd been together before as friends with benefits. What if he realized he liked her more than that now? A strange possessiveness came over me. All my doubts about us being able to be together disintegrated into ash.

No, this wasn't right.

She couldn't have him.

No one could.

He's mine!

I looked down at Khloe with an urge to push her off me. Aspen belonged to me. No one else would do. What the fuck had I been thinking? Did I seriously believe I could just let him go despite all my fears? That I would forget how I felt about him like I'd never had before? We both suffered over my decisions.

When I looked up again, he looked right at me with the saddest and most disappointed eyes I'd ever seen on him. All his light fled from his soul. I fucking did that to him.

Before I reacted, Lisa wrapped her arm around him and led him out of the party.

No.

I stopped dancing and stepped away from Khloe. "I'm sorry. The person I told you about… he's here. I need to fix this."

She smiled and nodded, and I was grateful she didn't call me out on me saying ‘he.' "It's okay. I've been there. Go get him back."

I thanked her and ran after Aspen.

My Aspen.