29. Chapter 29

I'd been studying for a final exam all night with Morpheus curled up on my lap, snoozing as I sat cross-legged on the sofa. But I struggled to focus because I'd been staring at my phone as if I could make Cooper miraculously text me back after I'd sent my tenth message.

His practice had been over for hours now. My first text I'd sent him was simply to ask what he wanted for dinner tonight. He always responded quickly, but not today. An hour later, I reached out to him again since he never responded.

I was worried about him because something could've happened to him, but I knew there was more going on, especially after our talk about being open with him in public. I'd pushed him before he was ready. Afterward, I overheard his conversation with his brother.

"I'm not gay."

Neither was I, but judging by the tone and the words exchanged, I sensed his brother tried to talk him out of being with me. The chances that he would come out to his friends and family dramatically dropped after his conversation with Ben. I didn't blame him, but it didn't hurt any less. Maybe I should've been more excited that Ben knew about us.

I wanted to be enough, which was stupid. We'd only been fooling around all this time and had only been in a meaningful relationship for two weeks, which wasn't nearly long enough to establish a strong enough bond to withstand homophobes and families who didn't want you to be together.

I was already in deep. Once we started messing around sexually, I grew more and more drawn to Cooper and why I took a risk in the first place to tell him how I felt. Instead, I did what I always did and fell headfirst into something I wanted, knowing Cooper would have issues coming out, but I did it anyway, and then I pushed him to be more open in public with me. I wanted so much more, making me impatient, especially after the other night we'd had sex for the first time. It had been so fucking special. He'd taken such good care of me.

I rested my head on the back of the couch and closed my eyes, remembering that night. And god, what a night it'd been. I'd been mesmerized by him, and my heart beat a little faster for him each time I thought about sex with Cooper. It'd been absolutely perfect. I knew right then I'd found my person—the one person I wanted to spend my life with. No one had ever held my attention like Cooper did.

But my gut told me this was coming to an end. Between his resistance to going public with this, the conversation with his brother, and his current silence, something was very wrong. I swallowed the growing lump in my throat, trying desperately not to jump to conclusions.

To distract myself, I went back to studying my textbook on foster care reform, but all I could do was stare at the words, unable to comprehend their meaning.

With a heavy sigh, I opened my phone and texted him one more time.

Me: Tell me you're okay. Please.

I'm worried.

After a few minutes, when nothing came through, I tossed my phone onto the chair across the room so I would stop looking at it like some crack addict seeking his next fix.

I stood and walked to my room to put Morpheus into his cage before I dug around in my dresser drawer and pulled out a small box holding a couple of blunts. I didn't smoke weed often, but I seriously needed to chill.

I grabbed my phone off the chair because I was weak, then headed onto the porch before lighting up. After taking a deep drag of the musky and sweet smoke, I held it for a bit before exhaling. The eventual buzz did nothing to calm me.

My phone screen remained irritatingly blank, so I opened it up and called Mac. He didn't pick up, so I tried Ethan and Zayne, but they didn't answer either. They were probably partying tonight. Usually, they dragged me along, but I hadn't told them my schedule at work changed so I could study for finals.

"Fuck," I sighed and took another hit.

When I'd had enough weed, I put the blunt out on the small plate on the ground I used for such things and headed inside, closing the sliding glass door behind me. That's when I heard keys in the door.

My heart leaped up in my chest, and my stomach bottomed out when I saw Cooper walk in, looking like a wreck. His red hair stuck up everywhere as if he'd been running his hands through it all night, and his eyes looked red and tired.

His gray blues met mine, and I knew right then that he planned to end things with me. Call it a sense. A hunch. His whole vibe felt defeated. I tried to find spit in my mouth to swallow and fisted my hands, bracing myself for impact.

"I'm… glad you're okay," I said lamely.

He stood in the entryway, looking down at the keys in his hands, and nodded. "Yeah."

We communicated, right? The only way to salvage our friendship was to talk this out. Even if we couldn't work, I still wanted to be his friend, but I would need a bit more time to adjust back to what we used to be. It would take a while to forget his hard and warm body against mine, his full lips claiming my mouth… fuck. Yeah, it would take time to move past that, especially after finding my ‘person,' the one I was meant to be with.

"Just be honest, Cooper."

His body tensed, and his head snapped up. "How… how do you know?"

"Despite overhearing your conversation with Ben, which I didn't do on purpose, I could hear you in my room. Your entire demeanor right now tells me everything."

Cooper shoved his keys into his pocket and slowly made his way over to me, taking a deep breath, no doubt preparing himself. My body tensed, ready for his words. I struggled to breathe, knowing what was coming, and my mouth grew drier than cotton.

"I'm scared, Asp. God, I like you so much. I'm really into you, but… coming out would hinder my chances of being recruited for the NFL. They won't care what I am… a pansexual or whatever. They will only see that I'm gay if I'm with a man. Then there are my teammates, several of whom are clearly homophobic. I don't see most of them accepting us. Maybe Bryce and Ronnie would, but the others?" He shook his head and looked down at his feet. "I got so mad at my teammates today after practice from all their homophobic slurs. They've said these things before, and I never noticed or cared, making me complicit, but now, those words are all I fucking hear."

I took a shuddered breath, knowing it would hurt, but not by how much. A knife to my heart would've been kinder. My eyes stung, which I desperately tried to control, not wanting to show how upset I was in front of him. Plus, my reaction would only make him feel worse. He'd tried to be with me, and he'd been honest with me. I wasn't angry, and I didn't hate him for his decision to end things between us. His worries were very real and valid.

"Then there are your parents," I said.

"Yeah." That one word came out as a whisper, but it held so much punch.

"I realize it's a lot to ask you to uproot your entire life for me." Cooper was about to protest, but I held up my hand. "I'm not worth it… not yet anyway. We haven't been together all that long. It's fine, and I understand."

"God, Aspen… you're so fucking amazing. You don't deserve a piece of shit like me, and I would be a piece of shit if I kept you hidden. I don't want to dim your free spirit. And before you tell me you decide that, it's the truth. I can't continue to do this, no matter how much I want you, if I can't be open and honest about us. You deserve so much more than that and someone who isn't terrified he'll let everyone down. You deserve someone who isn't weak." He ran a shaky hand through his hair. "I don't want to let you go, but I can't come out. I have to think of my career above all else. And you need someone who worships you in public."

When he took a step forward, I took a step back. I couldn't let him touch me. I'd fucking shatter if he did. It was taking all my power to hold all my crumbling pieces together as it was. I was a broken glass being held together by children's glue.

He rubbed his chest as if his heart physically hurt, making my eyes water. As painful as it was, he was right. I cared about him so much, but I didn't want to stay in the closet with him, and I needed someone who wanted me enough to be free with. His concerns were fucking valid, which made it more painful. It would have been easier had I been angry or had he been an asshole.

Cooper stood there, tight as a drawn rubber band, looking at me with wide eyes full of pain. "Aspen… tell me we're good. Please. I like you too much, and I respect our friendship."

Friends. That would be all we ever were. I needed to be okay with that. But for some reason, that one word nearly gutted me.

"We're good, Coop. But, ah… I need some time and space, okay? I, uhm, was a little more into this than you. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad."

"God, Aspen. That's not true. I'm so into you. Please don't think that." His voice was hoarse, as if holding back his own flood of emotions.

"Just give me time," I said again. Before the waterworks started, I quickly walked off into my bedroom and shut the door behind me, resting my forehead against it.

I took a risk, jumped headfirst into this thing with Cooper, knowing the consequences, and I got a concussion from it. But I'd heal and get over it. The problem was I didn't want to move on, but what choice did I have?

I shut my eyes, which forced some tears out. Before I let myself break, I needed to talk to someone who wasn't my parents and my friends since my friends hadn't answered earlier, so I called Lisa. I dialed her number and fell into my bed.

"Hey, Aspen. Feeling lonely?" she teased.

While we had an off-and-on, friends with benefits fling, we became pretty good friends. Like all the other girls, I didn't want to fall in too deeply with them, so I kept them a bit at bay, but Lisa never seemed to mind.

She was a stunning girl and incredibly sexy, but she was one where I didn't find that strong connection I'd been looking for, like the one I found in Cooper, making me question my sexuality a little, not that I gave a shit about labels, but it seemed I liked dudes more than I'd previously thought.

"Hey, Lisa."

Now, how to talk to her without outing Cooper? I also needed to keep my voice down so he couldn't overhear.

"Uh, oh. What's wrong? You don't sound good."

I blinked back the burning tears again, threatening to spill, and took a deep, shuddered breath.

"I know we've mostly had a sexual thing going on, but I find you to be a friend, too. Can you talk a bit about something personal?"

"Of course. What's going on?"

"I'm not sure I need answers, but I need to get some shit off my chest."

"Go on."

"I'm, ah, interested in someone. Not just someone, but a… guy."

"Huh, I wondered sometimes if you might be into guys, too."

"You did?"

"Yeah, I mean, you check out other guys more often than other dudes do. More than typical, anyway. So, who's the lucky guy?"

I huffed a laugh while my lips quivered. God, this rejection shit sucked.

"I can't tell you because he's not out. Anyway, he told me he couldn't go through with dating me. It was too hard, and he was afraid of coming out, which could affect his career. I don't blame him, but it fucking hurts. A lot. I'm really into him."

"Oh, Asp. I'm so sorry, sweetie. I know you've been waiting for your ‘one' and when you finally found them, they didn't want you back. That's got to be hard. Rejection is always a nasty business, knocking our egos down. Talk about keeping you humble."

"Yeah…"

"Look, I realize you and I didn't hit it off. We had fun, and I liked you more than you liked me, but you were always honest with me, so it hurt less because of that. I always understood where I stood with you, and you continued to be so nice to me, which is more than we girls normally get. Usually, guys ghost us a lot."

I breathed out a sigh of relief. I worried about calling her about this and how she'd react, but I appreciated her even more at that moment. "Thanks, Lis. That means a lot to me."

"Say, there's a party next Friday over at one of the frat houses. It's supposed to be a big Christmas party before Winter Break on the fifteenth. And don't say no. This will be good for you to get out."

"Okay. Thanks, Lis."

"Any time, Asp."

"How are things with you?"

"Can't complain. No one has captured my heart yet, but he's out there. Maybe I'll find him for Christmas."

I chuckled. "I hope you do."