21. Chapter 21

Thanksgiving with my family was nothing exciting. There was no home-cooked turkey, scent of pumpkin spice, or inviting warmth as you see on television. I bet Aspen's home had been exactly like that. They probably all gathered in the kitchen, cooking together as a family as they talked about everything under the sun, with tons of laughter.

My parents usually kept a chef on hand for their daily meals, and for Thanksgiving, he cooked for us, but he usually prepared it in advance so he could go home to his own family. All we needed to do was heat it up.

I took a bite of the rosemary and thyme turkey stuffing as we ate in relative silence, with only sporadic comments or questions thrown in, which were usually aimed at Ben since he had achieved all our parents' goals. At some point soon, they would dump marriage and kids on him.

We all dressed up to be presentable at the table. My suit and tie made me itch, trying not to squirm. What the hell did we have to dress up for, anyway?

I looked over at my brother, who sat next to Dad. Ben and I got our height from our father, who stood at 6'3", but I didn't look much like him. Ben got our father's dark hair and broader build. I looked like Mom with her red hair, but both Ben and I got her gray-blue eyes. My parents were still very attractive for being in their late fifties, but getting older didn't make them any more affectionate. Growing up, they'd been too busy being doctors, and now they were too busy running the vineyard. Why did they bother to have kids?

"How's working in residency, Ben?" Dad asked.

"Great. It's hard, and I'm tired all the time, but it's interesting and challenging." He huffed a laugh. "The doctors yell at us a lot."

"Do you know what field you're going to go into?" Mom asked.

"I don't know yet. We'll see how it goes.."

I listened to my parents fawn over Ben, if you could call it that. He'd definitely become their favorite.

"I'm dating someone," Ben opened up.

If he mentioned it, then it must be serious. He tended to be a player and preferred hookups. It wasn't that Ben had an allergy to relationships, but he had so little time to devote to someone else with his schedule. But if she was patient enough with his lack of time and commitment, she must be someone special to him.

Dad wiped his mouth and nodded. "Oh, what's her name? Who is she?"

"Danielle Cummings. She's in residency like me. We don't have a lot of time to commit to each other, but we're making an effort."

"What will her medical field be?" Mom asked. "Please don't tell me it's gynecology."

I inwardly rolled my eyes. Gynecology was a worthy medical field.

Ben took no offense and smiled. "Neurology. She's damn near brilliant. Gorgeous, too."

That piqued their interest. "Brains and looks. Well played, son," Dad said.

I rolled my eyes for real this time, which was completely unlike me when at home. Ben was picky, so I was sure she was amazing, but there was more to life than absolute fucking perfection. I just hoped he hadn't chosen her to please my parents. He constantly strove to make them happy. I did, too, but not to the extent Ben did.

I looked up at Mom to see her narrowing her eyes at me, having caught me in my attitude. "How about you, Cooper? Are you seeing anyone yet?"

"No."

I took a large bite of turkey, wondering what all this pleasing of our parents served. It literally got me nowhere in life other than to make me miserable with anxiety. So what if I wanted to play football professionally? So what if I was interested in a man? It would piss off my parents, but I wanted a life of my own. I wanted to make my own choices, to take the wrong path, to make mistakes, to fall down, and learn to pick myself up again. Just like Aspen got to. He got to learn about life early on because his parents let him fall.

"You really need to let go of Amanda," Dad said.

"I have."

"Then why aren't you seeing anyone?"

I heaved a dramatic sigh, shoving my plate away, no longer hungry. "Why do I need to be dating anyone? I don't need someone in my life to validate me." How weird not to experience the near-crippling anxiety that usually kept me silent.

It felt fucking… good.

By now, my hands would be shaking and clammy, and my anxiety would be through the ceiling. While I was tense and the prickles of anxiety threatened to take over, I did my best to shove it all back. That right there told me how much I was tired of all this. Tired of my parents and their control.

"It's good to find someone to balance you out and have someone to lean on."

I already had someone to lean on. Aspen always listened when I needed an ear or moral support. He was an amazing friend, not just to me but to all his friends. Everyone liked Aspen.

"That's what friends are for. Besides, I'm not in the mood to work on relationships right now. I've got enough on my plate."

Dad put down his fork a little too hard. "I thought you said you were over Amanda. Look at your brother. He's seeing someone, and he's busier than you are."

My face burned, but this time, not from the typical humiliation, but irritation at my father. Why did it fucking matter? God, the more we talked, the more I needed a break from my parents' control. "I am over her. I'm not remotely upset about her cheating anymore. Regardless, she cheated. It makes one not want to rush off to the next girl who lights my fire. I'm going to be a little pickier from here on out if it's all the same to you."

I took a sip of some red wine my parents had made themselves. It was fruity, dry, and smooth. It was impressive work. They got to fulfill their dreams. Why couldn't I? You'd think they would want the same thing for their kids. "As I said, I'm not in the mood right now."

While I loved my brother and his support, I wished for once he would speak up for me. I could use an ally right about now.

Instead of sipping the rest of my wine, I chugged it back like a shot, ignoring my mother's eyes going wide that I would dare ruin something so expensive. At least she didn't say anything. I reached for one of the opened bottles in the middle of the table and poured another glass, filling it to the brim.

Fuck it. It was now or never.

"I don't want to go to med school. I'd rather set my hair on fucking fire."

The collective gasps made my stomach turn, so I gulped down more wine to give me the strength and courage to fight for what I wanted for a change. Not only was it not like me to defy my parents, but I never talked back or swore in front of them.

It was Mom's turn to drink down some wine like she was getting ready for battle. "What has gotten into you, Cooper? You've been mouthy tonight, and now this? What happened at school? Something has pushed you to this… sudden bad attitude. This isn't like you."

Aspen. He was someone good to look up to. He made me want to be brave for a change, so I tried to tap into his courage, boldness, and honesty. I channeled my inner Aspen, though less diplomatically.

"Indeed. Do you need therapy, son? Is that what's going on?" Dad added.

I scowled at him. "You know, wanting a different career doesn't mean I've lost my mind and need therapy. I'm fine, and nothing is going on. I never wanted to go to med school, and I never wanted to be a doctor. Ever. That's your dream. You already have a son obeying your every fucking command. You should be happy."

"Cooper…" my brother warned.

Goddammit. Stand up for me, Ben.

"Is that what this is about? Some rebellious phase?" Mom asked, her voice tight and harsh. She sat up straight and tucked a long lock of red hair behind her ear.

"Jesus. This isn't a phase. I'm a grown-ass adult, not some fifteen-year-old." I wanted a life like Aspen's. He was free to pursue his dreams, and he was so damn happy all the time. I wanted that, and why couldn't I?

Before Mom could argue, Dad raised a hand. "For argument's sake, what would you be interested in pursuing?"

I shrugged. "Football."

Mom barked out a laugh, and my gut tightened. She had a way of making me feel diminished sometimes, questioning if my decisions and choices were good ones. "We appreciate that you love football, and we encourage that, but it's not a good profession," she said.

"Why not? You've never even seen me play, not since I was a kid. I'm pretty damn good at playing. I've already had recruiters showing an interest in me. It's amazing. When I make a touchdown from a perfect throw into a perfect catch, it's a rush. When the crowd cheers for me… me, I feel amazing, like I could seriously do this as a job." I tried hard to explain my love for the game and prayed they would understand. "Do you even care that I'm helping to bring my team to a college bowl?"

"There are so many bowls, they barely matter anymore," Dad said.

Yeah, he loved to diminish me, too. "I'm not talking about any bowl. I'm talking about the Sugar Bowl. Winning that will bring us to the championships this year. That's our goal. We are so close."

Mom softened, but she was still tense as she took another sip of wine. "Cooper, it's one thing to play in high school and college, but those professionals are brutal. It's even rougher in the NFL. You might end up breaking your body before your time or getting a concussion. Besides, the most likely scenario would be you sitting on the sidelines the rest of your life, waiting to play. What kind of career is that?"

For the first time since I could remember, it sounded like she genuinely cared about my well-being, but I wasn't sure how honest she was being. Then she blew it with her next words.

"It's an unfulfilling job and contributes to nothing other than your ego."

"Do you have any idea how much football players commit to charity? Besides, we all knew the risks going into it. I could've been injured at any time. Perhaps you should've made me play something safer, like golf. I want to do this. Maybe they won't play me. Maybe they will. I won't know until I try. But for now, I'm good enough. I'm more than good enough."

"If you don't want to go to med school, we can talk further about your future. Perhaps you would prefer law school. But we do not want you playing football as a job," Dad said with his ‘end of discussion' voice.

I looked at Ben, who'd been silent the entire time, picking at his dinner and not looking at me. My agitation grew while growing more alone and isolated. "You can chime in at any time, Ben."

"Don't drag your brother into this," Mom snapped.

"Yes, can't have Mr. Perfect Doctor Son sully your view of him."

I shoved my chair back, stood, and grabbed an entire bottle of wine from the table. "This is what I want to do. And I should be allowed to pursue what I want. It's my damn life. Not yours."

"Don't you walk away!" Dad snapped. "We have the right to strip you of your college tuition."

"Fine!" I yelled back. "Don't threaten me with losing the chains that bind me or anything. The horror."

Fuck it. I could be like any other student and apply for student loans. I had a small athletic scholarship, but it didn't pay for everything.

With that, I walked away before they talked me out of my goals. And their reaction was also why I didn't broach the subject of Aspen. They would fucking flip their lids. If they reacted like that with my career change, imagine them realizing I was with a dude.

Shit.I wasn't with Aspen, but fuck if I so wanted to be.

"What has gotten into him?" Mom said as I headed up the stairs.

My stress and anxiety finally hit the roof, and my hands shook from the adrenaline wearing off, but I also felt proud of myself for finally speaking up. How could I ever like myself when I looked in the mirror for being subservient to my parents? I could still respect them while pursuing my dreams, dammit.

Their lack of support hurt, but it didn't surprise me either. I didn't understand why I had to do everything they planned for me. It had to be a control thing on their end, and I wanted to break free from their hold.

I took a gulp of wine straight from the bottle as I walked upstairs to my room. After living with Aspen for the past few months, I hadn't realized how sterile my old bedroom was, with pale gray walls, and bedding and curtains in navy blue. I had some pictures of friends through the years displayed, along with football trophies and books on shelves, but not much else. My old bedroom was about as interesting as a prison cell.

I fell into my bed, opened up my laptop, and took another sip of wine. After it turned on, I searched for some gay porn. Not that I was horny at the moment, but Aspen lived in my brain rent-free. Despite my fears, I wanted to explore like him.

A video came on with two guys, who I guessed were hot. I didn't know, since I didn't view men as Aspen did. With the sound down, I watched the bigger man fuck the smaller one, who looked as if he enjoyed getting pounded. Or was that pain on his face?

I'd read up on anal sex, curious about what it would feel like for men, and I had to admit, stimulating the prostate sounded intriguing. Aspen had done that once with his finger while sucking on my dick. It'd been intense as hell, and I blew quickly. What would it be like with a dick pounding me? It probably felt damn good.

But could I go through the whole anal sex thing? If I went there, I was afraid I'd enjoy it too much and not want to go back to girls. What if I would constantly need that stimulation? Granted, I knew women would do it for men, too, but not any woman I'd ever dated. They probably wouldn't be all that interested in pegging my prostate.

I'd read about one straight dude who loved his prostate massaged while being sucked off. It was a double whammy of stimulation. I'd also read stories from men on Reddit who claimed to be straight but said every man should try anal at least once in his life. I wasn't sure I could go there.

A knock on my door had me slamming my laptop closed as my heart hammered in my chest. Shit, the last thing I needed was for someone to catch me watching gay porn. I'd pissed off my family enough for one night.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, wishing they would leave me alone. At least I was leaving early in the morning for practice, and then the game was tomorrow afternoon instead of Saturday.

"Come in."

The door eased open, and Ben popped his head in. "Hey."

"What do you want, Ben?"

"To talk. Clearly, you've got a lot on your mind. Not the best way to approach a change in careers with Mom and Dad."

"Yeah, thanks for the support," I huffed.

"A little warning would be nice, so I could've prepared a little better." Ben sat on the edge of my bed and looked at me, fingering back his dark bangs, though his hair was perfectly cropped and not a hair ever strayed. "You understand that I have your back, right?"

Did he, though?"Yeah, I know."

"If we had talked about this first, we could've come up with a game plan to talk them into it. Dropping this onto their laps on Thanksgiving wasn't the most tactful move. I realize you aren't the happiest with their choices, but you never mentioned to me that you wanted to play pro."

I sighed again and rested my head on the headboard, staring at the ceiling. "I know. It annoys me when they meddle in my life, creating their perfect child, but whenever something's bothering me, it's like, ‘Do you need therapy?' as if they just want to hand me off to someone else to deal with. No, I need their love and support. God, why did they even have kids?"

Ben squeezed my socked toes before letting go. "Where did this come from all of a sudden?"

I pulled up my legs, crossed them, and sat up, taking another sip of wine from the bottle. My mother would wince to see me now. "My roommate. I… want to be like him. He gets to live how he wants and choose his own path. God, Aspen is so carefree and happy. He's smart as hell, too, and wants to do important things with his life. No one forced that on him. He chose it because he wanted to. Meanwhile, he has the full support of his family."

Ben smiled. "Sounds like a great guy and something to aspire to."

"He really is."

I fidget with the hem of my dress shirt I had untucked. Maybe talking to Ben about this would clear my head. I had no one else to talk to about Aspen and my growing attraction to him. Ben wouldn't look down on me for it. At least, I didn't think so. "I really like him," I said.

"Your roommate? Yeah, you're friends. I would hope so."

"No. I… like him more than a friend."

I wiped my clammy hands on my blanket and swallowed the growing lump in my throat, refusing to look at my big brother now that I'd essentially come out to him, though I wasn't sure what I was coming out as, if anything. Did it have to be labeled? I needed to remind myself to be more like Aspen. He didn't care about such things, but damn if my family would want clear definitions and fucking answers.

"As a… boyfriend?"

I shrugged and looked at him. "Maybe. I like him a lot, but I'm also afraid."

His brows furrowed, scrutinizing me, giving that damn look my parents gave when they were questioning my sanity. I glanced away again.

"What brought this on, Coop? You've never liked guys before."

I huffed. No shit. "I realize that, and I'm not into guys now, at least from what I can tell. I"m just into… him."

I glanced back at Ben, who was staring at the photos on my dresser mirror, wishing I could read his mind. At least he didn't throw a fit about it or tell me to fuck off. "I see. Does he know?"

"No, but we've… fooled around, and I liked it."

Thank fuck Ben didn't lash out at me or tell me I was fucked up. I really appreciated my big brother at that moment.

He turned to face me with his brows furrowed and eyes filled with worry. "You've… had sex with him?"

I shook my head. "No, just… you know… oral stuff." My face burned, not used to talking about my sex life with Ben. I never talked about girls, let alone sex with a guy.

He ran a hand through his hair again, making it stick up this time. His face was pinched a bit. While he wasn't excited at the prospect of me liking a dude, he still hadn't yelled at me. I hoped it stayed that way and Ben supported me.

"Coop… Mom and Dad won't like this at all. They'll never accept you dating a guy. First, you brought up professional football. Now, you want to come out to them? Tell them that you like men? They're going to be pissed. You dating guys isn't in the cards for you, little brother. Maybe you can talk them into the football stuff, though I doubt it, but you with a boyfriend? No way. Does he like you back?"

My stomach dipped at the truth of his words. "I think so. I mean, he wants to try other things with me, but we haven't talked about pushing things further yet."

"Don't do it, Coop. I know you like him, but you need to look at your future. This isn't only about Mom or Dad. Gay men are treated horribly, and what are your teammates going to assume? They're not going to put up with a gay player. Back when I played, we had some serious homophobes on the team."

I huffed again and scowled at my brother. "I'm not fucking gay!"

"Keep your voice down," he hissed.

"Whatever, I don't have a label for what I am. I like girls, but I'm also into Aspen. That's it. I'd say I'm bi, but I don't look at other guys the way I look at him."

"Okay, good. So, this is only a phase. It has to be. You've been cheated on, so it's natural to try something different. Go experiment and have fun safely, but leave it at that, Cooper. I respect you, and I've got nothing against homosexuality. I'm simply trying to protect you."

Was it just a phase? Was it on my brain because it was new and fresh and different? Possibly. Regardless, I'd never been attracted to a man like I had with Aspen. Hell, I was more attracted to him than Amanda. No, my brother was wrong. Shit, I seriously needed to talk about these things with Aspen.

"Okay," I said, leaving it at that. Ben loved me and wanted to protect me. I understood that, but he didn't understand me—not really. He wouldn't support this despite loving me.

He beamed a smile at me and patted my leg. "I'm glad we sorted through this."

"Yeah."