20. Chapter 20

It was the week before Thanksgiving break, and I had been back on track with football. Thank god I'd only been off that one game. We'd only lost once this season, but I hadn't played much that day, giving the second-string players a chance. Regardless, we were going to a bowl, but which one depended on the last two games of the season. Our goal was the Sugar Bowl, which would take us to the championships if we won.

Maybe I wasn't so jittery now that Aspen and I went back to our old ways of just nutting for fun instead of getting more into it with kissing. We definitely hadn't done any more frotting, which I hated, yet was grateful for. It felt way too good and intimate.

Aspen was at class this morning while I stayed at home after working out, trying to catch up on some homework before afternoon classes. I was lying on my bed, taking notes, when my phone rang.

I reached for my phone on my bed and looked at the number, not recognizing it, but I answered it anyway.

"Hello?"

"Cooper?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Oh, good. This is Poppy… Aspen's mom?"

"Oh, hey. I mean, hello."

"Hello, sweetheart. Aspen gave me your number, so I hope you don't mind me calling."

I sat up as my stomach suddenly twisted and my heart beat erratically. "Is he okay?"

"What?"

"Did something happen to him?"

"Oh! No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you. Aspen is fine. I just called you to invite you over to our home for Thanksgiving. I know you have a game that Friday, and you have a family, too, but Aspen talks so much about you that you're practically part of our family now."

The relief that Aspen was okay didn't take long to settle down before a new form of tension grew in me. "He… did?"

"Oh, yes. He says how well you two get along and that you're great friends. Aspen has a way of making good friends, but whenever he finds someone special in his life, he gushes about them, like with his friend Mac."

"Yeah, we're pretty good friends."

"Do you think you can talk to your parents and ask if you could spend the day with us?"

"I would love to, but my parents are expecting me. They don't like… deviations from expectations." Not that it was ever exciting going home for the holidays.

"Oh, that's okay. How about the weekend after Thanksgiving before you have to head back?"

"Aspen won't mind me intruding on his holiday?"

"Oh, please. He loved the idea."

Hell, why not? I could see where Aspen grew up. "Sure, I'd like that, Poppy." It felt so weird calling his mom by her first name.

"Wonderful! I'll make the arrangements. It'll be great to see you again, Cooper."

"You, too. Thank you."

I hung up and called my mom to let her know I wouldn't be coming back home after the game that Friday after Thanksgiving. Usually, I spent the weekend after Thanksgiving at my parents' house. We had that whole week off, but I didn't show up there until Thanksgiving morning so I could get in some good practices.

Regardless, not much ever happened other than listening to my parents talk about wine and grapes and what Ben and I were doing with our lives, anyway. Beyond that, they left us to our own devices.

Of course, my anxiety peaked again, knowing conversations with Mom were never pleasant.

"Hello, Cooper. Is everything alright?" Her voice sounded indifferent, but my parents always sounded that way, with very careful and structured emotions.

"Yes, everything's fine. I'm just calling to let you know that after the game, right after Thanksgiving, I'm heading to San Marcos with Aspen, my roommate, to hang out on his family's farm."

"Whatever for?"

Does it matter?"Aspen is a good friend, and his parents invited me, so I thought I would be polite and go. They're nice people."

"Are you sure? It sounds rather dull."

"You live on a farm."

"A vineyard, Cooper. Not a farm."

Whatever. It was still boring. That wasn't true. I enjoyed the outdoors, and I loved seeing the neatly rowed grape vines. And I adored hanging out with Ben.

"Yes, ma'am. Sorry. I didn't mean it that way. I just meant you both grow things. Anyway, I didn't want to turn them down and appear rude." Lies. I definitely wanted to see a different side of Aspen.

"If you must, I suppose that's fine. How's school?"

"It's good."

"Are you playing well in football?"

Instead of telling her we were so close to playing in the championship and how excited I was because she wouldn't have cared, I just said, "Yes."

"Are you keeping up your grades?"

Jesus. There was no ‘Are you feeling okay?'‘Are you happy?'‘Are you having fun with friends?'‘Are you lonely?' or ‘I'm proud of you.' God forbid my parents asked me anything personal that mattered.

"Yep."

"I have to go, honey. We'll see you in a couple of weeks."

"Okay, Mom. Bye."

We hung up, and I deflated. That right there reminded me exactly why I couldn't have more with Aspen. They would never tolerate it. I had no idea how they felt about queer people since we never talked about it, but even if they didn't care, having a boyfriend wasn't in their plans for me.

But a part of me fed off Aspen. I wanted his strength. I fucking hated this anxiety that spiked every time I was around my parents. Admittedly, I also wanted to fucking kiss him again. It had been so hard not to lately.

Maybe one day I'd find the balls and tell my parents to fuck off… In a nice way, of course.

I arrived in Spanish class to find fucking Lisa hanging all over Aspen again. She always hung on him. I understood Aspen was a touchy guy, and they didn't have anything serious between them, but the damn jealousy reared its ugly green head again. What a stupid reaction, because I knew they weren't doing anything. How could they when Aspen and I were home all the time unless I had to train or play a game, and he either worked or played in his band? I would've noticed if they were, right?

Time to stop these derailing thoughts. I had no reason or right to be jealous. Aspen and I weren't a damn couple. Still, my heart overruled my logical brain when I sat down in the seat next to him with clenched fists, grinding my teeth together in an attempt to keep my traitorous mouth shut.

Aspen's brows furrowed when he glanced at me. "Everything alright?"

Shit. School your features, Coop.

"Yeah, I talked to Mom today, and it was tense." Why did I keep lying to him? Well, I didn't outright lie, but it definitely wasn't the reason why I was so tense.

Aspen rested a gentle hand on my shoulder, his warmth through my long-sleeved T-shirt, which sent electric zings along my body. "Shit, is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I called to tell her I'm going with you to San Marcos after the game the day after Thanksgiving."

I swear, his dark eyes lit up, and he literally glowed. He was the most expressive person I'd ever met, honest on the inside and out. "Seriously? Awesome! We're gonna have so much fun, man. The rest of my family is going to love you as much as Mom does."

"I can't wait."

"You never took me to your farm," Lisa said. I swear I fucking preened inside that Aspen planned to take me before her.

"I'm sorry. You didn't seem the type to like farms, but I should've asked. I can take you next time."

She smiled brightly and rested her head on his shoulder. "Thanks, Asp."

Fucking hell.

I sunk down in my seat, but before I could pout like a petulant child, the professor came in to start class.

God, I was being ridiculous. But Aspen had become a drug that I couldn't kick. I swear, he had a magic dick or something, and I didn't even like dick. Liar. You like his dick. I definitely wasn't as straight as I'd thought. Hell.

After class, we all filed out of the room, and once we stepped into the hall, Aspen grabbed my arm to stop me. "Listen, Lisa and I are grabbing some coffee. Wanna hang?"

"Thanks, but I think I need a good run."

I didn't lie. I needed to do something to clear my head. It needed some serious emptying, and running was good for that. I had practice later, and running would make me tired, but I had to do it.

"Want some company?" he asked.

"Thanks, but I need to run alone today. Then I have to head straight to practice afterward."

Aspen narrowed his chocolate eyes. "You sure you're okay? Did your mom stress you out that much?"

"I'm fine. Seriously." I plastered on a fake smile. "Running helps with stress. When I do it alone, it clears my head."

Aspen beamed a smile back at me. "Cool. See you tonight, then. I've got chicken Alfredo on the menu tonight."

"Sounds good. Thanks, Asp."

Before he could say anything else, I turned and left. Being near him did weird things to me, even in public. I wanted to hold his hand and let the world know he belonged to me. To let fucking Lisa know he was mine.

Fuck, I was losing it.

I stretched my legs over at Lady Bird Lake. The day was in the 50s, so it wouldn't be too bad of a run. The lake shimmered in the sun, and the trees still tried to cling to their leaves, though most of the live oaks would remain covered in half their leaves during the winter. Austin didn't look like winter until well into January.

January.

That was when the new semester would begin, and I would move out to live with Bryce. The thought brought rising acid to my throat. But if I moved out, away from Aspen, maybe I could let this go. Fuck, but it would also let him down. But if I didn't move in with Bryce, I'd let him down.

Shut up.I was out here to clear my head.

Once I warmed up, I started out in a steady jog, not too fast or slow. I didn't want to wear myself out, needing to empty my head rather than for exercise.

After an hour, my breathing came in gasps as I walked it off. And the run did, in fact, clear my head just enough to focus on practice today, which was the most important.

But as I walked off the burn and got my lungs functioning again, I wondered if all my efforts were worth it. I loved football and winning, but it wouldn't lead me anywhere with nothing to look forward to in my future. The disappointment became a sinking ship with no way off the boat until you drowned. That was the extent of my feelings about my future. It was fucking suffocating.

Yet, I kept thinking about Aspen and how he lived his life. If I would never make my parents proud, no matter what I did, why shouldn't I live a life as I wanted? Why did I fight so hard for an approval I would never receive? That was what Aspen would say and do, right? Why did I keep caring? I really needed to make a change. Otherwise, I would never be fucking happy.