9. Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight

Jeff

S o, now Jeff had a sex buddy. Or something.

He plunged his mop back into the bucket of cleaning solution and continued mopping the floor in the bathroom of the food court, smiling to himself as he replayed the entire last week in his mind. Since the night he’d watched Gary host his silly radio show, he and Gary had talked every single evening, just like they had before, only now they had phone sex too. Gary was so fucking accepting, so fucking nice. Jeff could barely believe Gary was okay with this stupid arrangement they had. What were they? Boyfriends? Not really. And yet, they were something . Intimacy from afar? Intimacy without crippling bouts of panic as a result of being touched? Miracle of miracles.

As Jeff stuck the mop back into the bucket again, he heard the unmistakable whoosh of the bathroom door swinging open behind him. Annoyed, he turned his head to see who it was. Hadn’t he put up that yellow sign? Couldn’t these mall patrons read?

But it was only Brandon.

“Hey,” Brandon said, coming up beside him and leaning against one of the separators between the bathroom stalls. “Wanna come outside with me? I need a smoke.”

“Nope. I’m finishing in here, and then I’m leaving. ”

“Ah, is your shift really over so soon?” Brandon complained. “Damn, well, I’ll be bored out there by myself. Guess I’ll stay here. How’re things?”

Plopping the mophead on the floor, Jeff kept his eyes fixed on the tiles. Ever since he and Gary had become masturbation buddies or whatever they were, he’d been hiding from Brandon. Because he and Brandon had known each other since they were seven, and somewhere between seventh and eighth grade, Brandon had acquired the ability to read Jeff’s mind. It was only a matter of time before Brandon would see through whatever bullshit answer Jeff might come up with and say something like—

“Holy shit, I know that look.” Dammit . “Do you have a boyfriend?”

Glancing up, Jeff sighed and said, “Kinda.”

Brandon’s mouth fell open. “Fuck, it’s been years ! I thought you were heading for the seminary, honestly. What happened? Who is it?” he asked, his blue eyes sparkling with mischief. Probably because he wanted to tease the hell out of Jeff for his choice of mate, regardless of who it was. “Tell me, man!”

“It’s nothing serious.”

“Come on. I have five minutes left in my break, and instead of smoking a cig, I’m here watching you clean the men’s room. At least make it worth my while.”

“Isn’t seeing my beautiful face enough for you?” Jeff asked with a fake smile.

“Even though you look less miserable than usual, no, it isn’t.”

“Okay, fine,” Jeff relented, pausing his mopping. “Do you listen to WKbr?”

“Gary Graham?”

“Yeah.”

“Whenever I’m in Niles. Gary’s funny. In a stupid kind of way.”

Christ, that was the perfect description for Gary .

“Well...” Jeff trailed off and raised both of his eyebrows expectantly rather than elaborating. Hopefully Brandon would catch his meaning.

“Whaaaaat?” Brandon said before cackling. “You and the Graham Cracker himself? I thought you hated that station.”

Jeff shrugged.

“Wow, there’s a story there, and I really want to hear it, but I need to get back to the pretzel stand before there’s a riot.”

“For pretzels,” Jeff deadpanned.

“Everyone loves a salty treat.” Brandon smirked. “You would know.”

Jeff let go of the mop, not even flinching from the clatter it made when it hit the floor, and then started to shove Brandon backward out of the restroom.

“It really isn’t fair that you’re allowed to manhandle me like this,” Brandon said.

“Out.” Jeff shoved Brandon through the threshold, nearly throwing him over the bright yellow Caution sign.

“Ow, the violence.”

“Baby,” Jeff taunted before the door swung shut. He laughed a little to himself, though, as he turned around and headed back over to the mop bucket to pick up the mop. Then he got back to work.

Maybe fifteen minutes later, after Jeff had finished cleaning the men’s room, he gathered up his cleaning supplies and headed out of the bathroom. He started toward the janitor’s closet to put away the mop and such but stopped in his tracks when he happened to glance out at the food court. Gary was sitting at a table not too far away, concentrating on some paperwork.

Jeff’s heart did some funny flip-flop in his chest, and he changed direction, walking over toward Gary while rolling his mop bucket with him .

“Hey,” Jeff said as he neared the table.

Gary looked up with the biggest smile Jeff had probably ever seen. “Hey, Billy Boy!”

“Grading?” Jeff asked, nodding toward the papers.

“Yup. Boy am I behind on this stuff. I think this exam is nearly a month old. You know, I wonder what could have changed in the last month to make me too exhausted to look at these sooner.”

Jeff’s cheeks warmed as he fought back a smile. “Mystery.”

“I thought I’d review them here because then I’d be able to see you too. I’ve been missing you. In-person you, I mean. Phone you, eh, I could take him or leave him.” Gary was still positively beaming, though, and Jeff loved it. “I hope you know I’m kidding.”

“Missed you too, radio man,” Jeff replied, his entire face now on fire.

“Geez, well, if we miss each other so much, maybe we should spend some more time together. I, uh, thought I might end Tell Me S’more early tonight so that I could head over to Mel’s. She’s having some people over. Like a party, but, you know, not nearly as exciting as the ones on TV considering there isn’t one of us still under twenty-six. And a couple of us are over thirty. Us olds need our beauty sleep.”

“I’m not old.”

“Oh, wait, you’re . . .”

“Twenty-eight.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah, wow,” Jeff repeated in a teasing tone.

“So, wanna come with me?”

Shifting his stance, Jeff rested some of his weight on the mop while he considered Gary’s offer. He definitely wanted to spend time with Gary, but he wasn’t too keen on spending time with other people, especially random ones he’d never even met. But Gary was putting up with a lot for him, intimacy-wise. They’d only been whatever the hell they were for a week, but, God, poor Gary had tried to hold Jeff’s hand before they’d even confessed to liking each other, and Jeff had probably shattered him a bit with that stupid reaction of his. If he hadn’t been so fucked in the head, the two of them would have probably been humping like rabbits by now. He owed Gary something for being understanding.

“Yeah, I could come,” Jeff said.

As soon as the words left his mouth, Brandon’s voice cut through the clamor of the cafeteria.

“Dirty talk in the food court now, eh?” Brandon asked from just behind him.

With a roll of his eyes, Jeff turned to face Brandon as his friend stepped up alongside him. “What happened to the pretzels?”

“Manager said I could leave early.” Brandon smiled wolfishly. “Aren’t you going to introduce me to your beau? I could hear that cool voice of his from across the food court.”

Jeff smiled and said, “Gary, this is Shithead.”

“I prefer Brandon.”

“Hey there, Brandon,” Gary said in that overly enthusiastic way of his. “I was telling Jeff that my friend is having a little party tonight.”

“Great, what time are we heading over?” Brandon asked.

God, what a terrible friend.

“ We ?” Jeff asked. “Don’t tell me you want to come all the way from Newton Falls.”

“Perfect opportunity for me to chat with the infamous Graham Cracker. Make sure he’s treating you right.”

Gary caught Jeff’s eye. “He’s welcome to come.”

“Fine,” Jeff relented. “But that means you’re staying sober, Bran. You can be my ride.”

“What about Gary? Who’s his ride?” Brandon asked.

“Oh, I’ll bike over,” Gary said .

“Hey, look, if Jeff’s making me be his chauffeur, I might as well take you too. You two love birds can even sit in the back together, make out and shit.”

“Bran,” Jeff scolded, leveling a look while trying to keep his panic in check. He’d told Brandon that Don was horrible, but he hadn’t told him exactly what had happened between the two of them. And that meant that Brandon didn’t really know about his crippling intimacy issues either. “Leave.”

“Okay, okay. What time can I pick you two up?”

Jeff looked to Gary for the answer.

“Nine?”

“Damn, that’s kinda early,” Brandon said.

“It’s not the type of party you’re probably hoping for,” Gary said.

“Oh well, nine it is.” Brandon started walking away. “I’ll honk the horn.”

Once Brandon was out of earshot, Jeff pulled out a chair next to Gary and sat.

“Sorry about him. He’s... I’ve known him since we were kids.”

“Jeffrey, I’m just happy he isn’t shitting on us for being together. Or, uh, sorry, not together, but...” Gary paused, which made Jeff feel like crap. Yeah, they weren’t together, but what were they supposed to call each other? He’d almost worked up the courage to ask what Gary thought—whether they were indeed boyfriends—when Gary continued, “Anyway, I know how most people are. I’m lucky to have Mel, for instance, no matter how much she likes to razz me. I mean, she isn’t the least bit bothered by my sexuality.”

“Yeah, that’s how I feel about Brandon.”

“Mel’s friends are cool too. Or, that’s what she tells me.”

Not like we’ll be crossing the line of acceptable PDA , Jeff nearly blurted out, but he stopped himself. God, he hated this bullshit .

“Okay, so, uh, nine?” he managed instead.

“Yup. I’ll meet you at your place. I’ll probably be there early, though. I’m a stickler for punctuality.”

“Yeah, that seems right,” Jeff remarked playfully, pushing himself to stand. “Alright, well, I need to clock out and get going. I’ve got errands to run and stuff.”

“Gee, sounds fun.”

“Tons.”

“See you tonight, Jeff,” Gary said, and he flashed Jeff another one of those wide-as-fuck smiles, like he just couldn’t wait to see Jeff again.

Jeff forced a smile in return and turned to leave, taking the mop and bucket with him, and even though he was excited to spend more time with Gary, his intestines were twisting themselves into a knot. Because, boy fucking howdy, he sure wished he could figure out how to make himself not be so broken.

***

Gary came over a little before nine, having chosen to walk rather than bike over. While they were waiting for Brandon, the two of them sat together on the couch. But it was worse than awkward. Gary kept scooting closer and then farther and then closer. It was making Jeff feel like shit. Years ago, he’d have pulled Gary onto his lap, and then they’d have kissed and fucked and skipped the Goddamn party altogether. It was a special kind of torture watching Gary look like he was about to lose his mind over whether or not he was sitting too close .

“Radio man,” Jeff said when Gary shifted farther away from him for the third time. “It’s okay to sit next to me. Don’t treat me like I need to be wrapped in bubble wrap.”

Gary grimaced. “Yeah, okay, but—”

“Do you think I’ll implode if we brush knees or something?”

“Well . . .”

“I can sit next to a person.”

“Okay.” Gary moved closer and settled against the back cushion.

And then he looked over at Jeff like he was waiting for approval.

“Yeah, you’re fine,” Jeff said, his tone curt.

“Geez Louise,” Gary said, running a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry. I have to be honest, I’m worried I’ll mess this up somehow.”

“Uh, in case you forgot, you’re the one sacrificing for me . Trust me, most people are looking for more than the occasional phone call beat-off session.”

“Well, I am too. I mean, I’d like nightly beat-off sessions, preferably.”

Gary’s teasing smile released a swarm of butterflies in Jeff’s stomach.

“Guess we’ll have to call each other once we’re home from this party then,” Jeff said with a sly smile in return.

Gary’s cheeks flushed, and that light-pink hue was so Goddamn cute Jeff thought it might make him lose his mind.

“Guess so.”

Brandon’s car horn blared from outside.

“Ready to meet my best friend?” Gary asked, clapping his hands on his thighs.

“Seems like I have to be,” Jeff replied with a half-smile.

“Are you sure you want to come? It’s probably not your thing. ”

“I’m sure.” Jeff kicked Gary’s foot. “Lead the way.” Before Gary could respond, Jeff kicked Gary’s foot once more. “Oh no. We touched.”

Gary pretended to scoff. “Don’t make fun of me, Jeffrey.”

Thankfully, the car ride was uneventful. Gary sat up front with Brandon, who was obviously very excited for the whole thing, and it was fun to see someone talk Gary’s ear off for once. Overall, Brandon was being surprisingly normal too, probably because he was worried that he might scare away the only person Jeff had shown interest in for forever.

When they arrived, they headed inside, and Jeff immediately realized the “party” was really less of a party and more of a potluck with crappy music and mediocre beer. Gary introduced Jeff and Brandon to Mel, who in turn introduced them to everyone else. Just five minutes later, Jeff couldn’t seem to remember anyone’s name. Gary probably remembered them, though, since he’d no doubt met many of them before and seemed capable of storing all kinds of facts in his head. Which was so cool. Jeff liked how smart Gary was. How sharp. It was incredible, really, how big of a brain Gary had. He was a sexy math teacher who operated his own radio station. Jeff, in comparison, was a mall janitor who liked to travel west to watch tornadoes a couple of times a year. One who couldn’t even be touched sexually. Or, hell, even sensually.

Gary was so far out of his league.

Needing something to help lift the crushing weight of inadequacy that had settled on his chest, Jeff proceeded to finish off a few beers in rapid succession. He’d thrown them back so fast that by the time Jeff was on his fourth, Gary was still only nursing his second. Meanwhile, Brandon had kept his promise to stay sober. Not that it mattered for him, socially. Ever confident, Brandon had been hitting on one of Mel’s friends without issue since they’d arrived. One hundred percent sober. In fact, as Jeff was polishing off his fourth beer, Brandon and Mel’s random friend went out back to have a smoke, which probably meant they were kissing or maybe even rounding a couple of bases. Good for him. Lucky bastard.

Later, while Jeff was barely managing to resist the urge to find a fifth beer, he, Gary, and Mel became wrapped up in a conversation about the kinds of trips Jeff had been on to see storms. As Jeff used the opportunity to distract himself and to maybe impress Gary a bit, recanting the tale of the F4 he’d witnessed in Oklahoma last year, Ken, Mel’s boyfriend, came up behind Mel, wrapping his big, beefy arms around her shoulders and pulling her in for a backwards hug.

“Hi, babe,” he said into Mel’s ear, though he was still loud enough that Jeff could hear him. He looked up at Gary. “Hey, Gare.”

“Hey, Ken,” Gary chirped. “Congratulations on the promotion over at Radio Shack.”

“Thanks.”

“Are you a manager now?”

“Yup! Great timing, too, since taking this one out costs a pretty penny,” Ken said as he nuzzled Mel’s neck, which had her blushing.

Jeff clenched his teeth, a sharp twinge of upset stabbing him in the chest. If only he could make Gary blush like that here. It was obvious to everyone that Ken was enamored with Mel. Meanwhile, it probably wasn’t obvious to even one person that Jeff was falling hard and fast for Gary. While self-loathing coiled in Jeff’s stomach, his eyes fell to Gary’s hand—free and holdable. It seemed so fucking close, but in reality, it was miles—no, solar systems —away.

Solar systems. The thought reminded Jeff of one of the first times he’d ever even heard Gary on the radio, talking about freeze-dried ice cream that was invented by some company associated with NASA. Concentrating on the memory, Jeff was surprised that he could recall the little factoids Gary had shared about the universe.

Supposedly, everything was expanding. Galaxies were moving farther apart—swirling masses of stars drifting away from each other over time. Just like his pseudo-relationship with the beautiful man from the radio.

Still staring at Gary’s hand, Jeff’s throat tightened. Because the two of them, they couldn’t even fuck. Hell, couldn’t even kiss . Couldn’t even hold hands.

And every minute that passed, Gary’s hand seemed to be moving farther and farther away.

“I need some air,” Jeff blurted out, and without waiting for Gary to respond, he spun around and made a beeline toward the front door.

Stepping out onto the front porch, Jeff sucked in a long inhale, enjoying the sharpness of the cold air flooding his lungs. With his exhale, he managed to expel some of his earlier discomfort, but it wasn’t enough. Bending forward, Jeff placed his hands above his knees and took a couple more breaths before the porch floorboards creaked behind him.

“Are you okay?” Gary asked. His niceness made Jeff’s throat tighten again, more upset bubbling up inside of him. “I’m sorry if I messed up somehow.”

“It’s not you,” Jeff said, still resting his weight on his thighs. “I know this isn’t what you want. Whatever the fuck it is we have.”

“What?” Gary came closer. “Jeff, I like you. I’m having fun. I’m okay with us being... whatever we are right now. I like our phone calls.”

“Bullshit.”

“It’s not bullshit.”

“Come on, Gare. Yes, it is. ”

“No, Jeffrey,” Gary said, his voice filled with a tender sincerity. “It’s not.”

Jeff could feel his resolve cracking, the wall he was trying to erect between them crumbling before he’d even finished constructing the thing. Fucking Gary Graham. He was too nice, too cute, too perfect.

“Do you not want to fool around anymore?” Gary asked.

“Can it even be called that?” Jeff asked, though his tone was less harsh now, the ruins of that temporary wall lying in heaps beneath him.

“I think it can,” Gary said.

Jeff took another few breaths. Even though there was part of him that still wanted to push Gary back, to keep him away, his heart wasn’t really in it anymore.

“Of course I want it, Gare,” he said. “I feel like shit, though.”

“Don’t.” Gary bent to catch Jeff’s eye and succeeded. “I’m plenty happy with what we have. Really.”

“Yeah?”

Gary gave him a tentative but real smile. “I’ll be honest, I’ve never had something like this before, but I like it. I’m not sure if I ever told you this, but I’m the type of person who tends to rush the physical stuff. Which, phew , hasn’t turned out very well for me in the past. I think what we have is kind of helping me. I feel like we’re really becoming close.”

While Jeff wasn’t entirely sure what the hell Gary Graham was trying to say, it was late and he was tipsy and he really wasn’t up for this back-and-forth, will-they-won’t-they kind of shit. Especially because, beneath his infuriating insecurity, Jeff still wanted them to continue to be whatever the hell they were. If Gary was okay with it for some weird reason that Jeff’s inebriated brain couldn’t comprehend, then, well, he wouldn’t keep trying to put up walls .

So, instead, Jeff gave Gary a teasing smirk and said, “You’re weird, radio man.”

“I know.”

After a moment, Jeff stood up straight again.

“Okay.”

“ We’re okay then?” Gary asked.

“Yeah. We are.”

Gary rocked back and forth on his heels a couple of times and then said, “Hey, uh, I think I’m partied out. Do you mind if I find your friend?”

“Nah. Go ahead.”

Gary left. Five minutes later, he came back alone. Apparently, Brandon seemed reluctant to leave (he was really enjoying spending time with Mel’s friend Sandy), and Gary thought maybe he and Jeff could walk back home instead. Which was fine. Preferable, even. It’d be a forty-minute walk, but it would give them plenty of time to talk.

So, Gary and Jeff set off toward their houses. Jeff wasn’t really sure whether they’d veer their separate ways eventually or whether one of them would walk the other home, but he supposed they’d figure that out later. For the first half of the walk, Gary told Jeff a bunch of stories about the flings he’d had in college, clearly still trying to explain himself for his earlier comments, and Jeff thought that maybe he should stop him, tell him that none of that mattered, but it kind of did matter. He wanted to know Gary—his past, his fuckups, his regrets—and so, he listened to every single one of Gary’s stories.

Once they had been walking for twenty or thirty minutes, Jeff realized that maybe Gary would have liked it if he shared things about his past too. But how could he put everything he’d been through into words? Every fucking part of his past seemed too pathetically sad to talk about. Shitty home life? Check. Dead parent? Check. Bad relationships? Check. Jeff’s stomach seized from the mere thought of sharing these things with sweet, chipper Gary Graham.

Nah, there was no way he was ready to give Gary the paint-by-numbers version of his past and admit to all the reasons why he was so messed up.

Eventually, they reached the point in town where they’d have to split up, and they stopped at the intersection where they were supposed to part, neither of them seeming keen on going their separate ways. After a few moments of awkward lingering, a sharp wind rushed past. Jeff hugged himself to stave off the cold, but refused to be the one to leave first. Gary stepped closer. He was hugging himself too.

One more breeze whipped through Jeff’s hair, and Gary shuddered a little. Fuck, it was so hard not to hug him right then. But Jeff couldn’t let himself. He should probably go.

“Well, see you later, radio man,” Jeff said, trying to keep his voice level, even though having to leave was making him feel like someone had thrust a knife in his stomach.

How he’d love to take Gary home and ravish the hell out of him.

“See ya, Jeffrey,” Gary said.

Gary turned without even trying for a hug, twisting the blade and making Jeff wince.

As he walked the rest of the way home, Jeff kept his hands out of his pockets, letting the frigid wind burn his skin and keep his mind off of how fucking shitty all this was.

If only he could figure out a way to show Gary how much he really liked him.