10. Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine

Gary

O n the first Saturday in May, Gary was sitting cross-legged in front of the coffee table in Mel’s living room, scoring his class’s final exams while she scribbled in a notebook on the couch. Poetry, probably. Mel loved poems. Reading them. Writing them. She had written Ken a bunch of them. Hopefully Ken realized how lucky he was to have someone who cared so much. When the thought entered Gary’s head, he couldn’t help but smile to himself a little. Because now he had someone who cared for him too. It wasn’t official, but, well, it was something . Right?

Insecurity flared to life inside him, making his heart race while panic flooded his veins. Even though he and Jeff were more than friends, they still weren’t boyfriends . Gary had never had a relationship like this before—one without a label, one where he couldn’t rely on physical touch to not only show the man he was with how much he liked him, but to feel a sense of security in how much that person liked him too.

Wow, emotionally clingy and physically clingy. He really was the complete package of neediness, wasn’t he?

Instead of letting himself continue to feel bad, especially because he wasn’t in the mood to have Mel pester him for it, Gary tried to redirect his thoughts to other things—like the way he and Jeff chatted every evening and the way Jeff liked to tease him and the way Jeff’s sweet voice sounded so low and husky when they were intimate over the phone. Those things, they had to mean something. And, heck, Jeff had even come up with a cute nickname for him! Radio man . He could practically hear Jeff saying it now. God, he was lucky. Gary smiled wistfully.

It wasn’t much longer before he caught Mel staring.

“Thinking about your broody custodian?” she asked.

“Geez, I’m that easy to read, am I?”

“Always.” She leaned forward and tapped the stack of papers. “Finished with the exams?”

“Almost. I think I need a break soon. I feel like my eyeballs might pop out if I keep looking at half-wrong calculations.”

“That bad, huh?”

“Yeah, some of these kids might need to repeat the class.”

“Oh, I meant your teaching,” she teased. “You’re that bad, huh?”

Gary picked up a paper and rapped her on top of her head with it.

“Hey, I’m at least mediocre,” he said. “It’s the class time. How are students supposed to stay awake when they’re full from lunch?”

“You’d prefer to teach classes at eight in the morning instead?”

“I’d prefer that the campus stop serving pizza and pasta to students right before they have to learn multiple integration.”

Mel began to fake snore, and Gary smacked her with the paper again.

“I hate to break it to you, but I think it’s the subject matter, not the carbohydrates.”

“But I make it so fun.”

“What, with your jokes?” Mel said, snickering.

Gary faked a sigh. “Yeah, maybe they are a little derivative . ”

Mel sat up and shoved him. “Yuck. Stop it.”

“Okay, okay,” Gary said, turning back to his papers so that he could organize the piles. “I think I’ll take that break now.”

“Are you leaving to visit your kind-of-boyfriend?”

“Nah, Jeff likes to be by himself at work. I think having to handle Brandon intermittently involves enough stress.”

While Gary packed up his papers, his thoughts wandered back to the night he and Jeff had walked home from Mel’s party together. It had seemed like Jeff had wanted to hug him before they’d parted. But something had held him back. Closing his backpack, Gary replayed that conversation he’d had with Jeff when Jeff had said something like “We can be together on the phone because I can hang up on you.” It seemed kind of like... kind of like how Mel had felt back in college. Hadn’t she said something like that? Or maybe she had said that she was worried she’d be limited to experiencing intimacy through love letters?

Maybe he could try to bring it up. It had been a long time since she’d mentioned it. And, well, she’d clearly moved on. Because she was with Ken now. So, how’d she manage that?

Gary had to know.

“Hey, Mel, I have to ask you something,” he said.

“Shoot.”

“Remember your boyfriend who . . . uhm . . . you know, in college . . . in his car . . .”

Mel shot him a look. “No, Gare, I completely forgot the worst night of my life.”

Gary cringed. “Sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry,” she said. “What is it you want to know?”

“How’d you . . . move on from that?”

Eyes flitting to the carpet, Mel shifted in her spot, looking uncomfortable.

“I’m not sure,” she said.

Guilt pricked at Gary’s insides. “I’m sorry to pry.”

“It’s okay. We’re best friends,” she said, though her voice was smaller now .

After a pause, Gary asked, “Do you think that... that maybe some people never manage to work past something like that?”

“Probably,” Mel said. And now her uncharacteristically small voice was tinged with sorrow, too. Dammit. Gary hadn’t meant to make her feel like that. Sure, he and Mel were best friends, but he could only imagine what it might feel like to talk about such an awful experience. Before Gary could say sorry once more, Mel said, “I’m lucky, though, Gare. Ken is a really good guy. Sweet and patient. He’s never pushy. But, you know, I am thirty-two, so I’ve had a lot of time to heal. Mike Simmons happened senior year of college. It was years before I even felt ready to try for a relationship again. I mean, most of my old friends are married. They have children. Sometimes it feels like I was left behind.” She tilted her head questioningly. “Everything okay with you? Why are you bringing this up?”

“Just wondering.” Gary shrugged, hoping that he looked convincing.

“Yeah, okay,” Mel said, clearly not buying it. “You can always talk to me. I hope you know that.”

“I know.” Gary got to his feet. “Well, I think I’ll stop by home—er, my childhood home—before heading back to the studio. Still an hour or so before I have to be on the radio. I might as well attempt to be a present family member.”

Mel pressed her lips together for a couple of seconds before finally saying, “Have fun.”

Which was really more in the spirit of good luck .

“Yeah, thanks,” Gary said, a touch of sarcasm in his voice.

On the way to his mother and sister’s house, riding his bike past the rows of trees along the street—sugar maples and hemlocks and birches—Gary tried to keep his mind focused on the beautiful weather. While he’d never liked spring as a kid because of his allergies, those had calmed in recent years, and now Gary could enjoy the sweet smell of recently bloomed flowers and the scent of freshly trimmed suburban lawns. And even though he was heading back to his childhood home, he had to hope the lack of runny nose and itchy eyes would serve as a reminder that he was no longer the nerdy, lonely kid who’d had his heart shattered to pieces when his father had left.

When Gary turned the corner onto his old street, his entire body tensed, bracing for the inevitable impact of confrontation. While Gary never intentionally fought with his mom or his sister, sometimes the conversation would veer either toward his father (and, therefore, the way his father had left his mother to finish raising two kids by herself) or Gary’s penchant for keeping busy (and, therefore, not visiting as much as he should have). Neither of these things were pleasant subjects. And so, once either of these things was brought up, the mood would sour, and then his mother would be critical and Dawn would be mean and Gary would clam up.

Ugh.

Family was hard.

Was it like that for everyone?

After Gary parked his bike, he started up the walkway, unintentionally but instinctively slowing his pace as he neared the door. Anxiety swirled inside of him when he lifted his hand to knock. But then, before his knuckles even touched the wood, his sister answered.

“Hi, Gare,” she said, sounding uncharacteristically somber. “Guess you heard my message, huh?”

“Message?”

“Yeah, on your machine.”

“I haven’t been home since breakfast. I went over to Mel’s.”

“Oh.”

Geez, the way her voice was so sullen. Something wasn’t right.

“What is it?”

“Dad.”

Gary’s heart started pounding, and his knees became weak.

“What about him?”

“He passed. Cancer, I think.”

Her words struck with the force of a sledgehammer, knocking the wind out of him. Lightheaded, Gary reached out to clutch the doorframe. Dawn kept talking, but her voice was faraway, and for the life of him, Gary couldn’t make sense of what she was saying. Instead, every second, it was becoming harder and harder to breathe.

Even though Gary hadn’t seen his father in over twenty years, a part of him had still held on to the hope for reconciliation. And, God, he hadn’t even let himself see that before now. Before that hope had been taken away.

Dawn’s hand came to rest atop Gary’s forearm, and reality slowly came back into focus.

“What do you think you’ll do with the money?” she asked.

Gary shook his head. “Money?”

“Like I said, from the will.”

“I...” Gary choked on his words, his mouth suddenly drier than the Sahara. “What will?”

“We’re all he had. Well, not like he really had us either,” she said with a grimace. “Mom never told me where he was.”

Mom never told her? What strange phrasing that was. Did Dawn mean to imply that their mom knew? All this time? Gary wanted to ask, but he couldn’t make the words come. Another time, maybe he’d have the courage to open that can of worms, to find out the truth. But not now. Not today.

“Anyway, I think I’ll save it for the kids,” she said. “Maybe I can pay for their college.”

Wordlessly, Gary nodded, staggering back a step .

“Do you have to leave already? I thought I could show you everything from the lawyer.”

“Radio” was all Gary managed to say.

Dawn sighed. “Great, Gare. Run away. Like always.”

If Dawn’s news about their father had been a sledgehammer, this insult was a battering ram, and it took everything Gary had not to crumple in on himself when the force of Dawn’s words slammed into him. He stood there, silently wishing he could tell her that he’d never intended to separate himself from the family, only from pain, from conflict. He’d only been trying to protect himself. Because ever since his father had left, he’d been contending with the near-constant worry that he’d somehow lose the rest of his family too.

When he was with them, it was painful.

Because they fought.

Because they were broken.

Because, even though they fought, even though they were broken, Gary still loved his family. He loved them, and he never wanted to lose them.

When the next breeze blew by, bringing with it the scent of lilacs and pine, Gary took a long inhale through his nose to try to remind himself that time had passed and things had changed and he was a man now. And yet, this time, he found no reprieve from the sorrow. Sorrow he still felt from having lost his father when he was a child. And then, from losing his mother too, from heartbreak. And now, from losing his father in a new way. In the most final way.

No matter how much time had passed, no matter how much had changed, some things had stayed the same. Maybe even now, in his thirties, Gary was still the same little boy. Scared. Heartbroken. Alone.

Eyes brimming with tears, Gary turned away .

“See you later, sis,” he said, his voice shaking as he hurried to his bike.

“Bye, Gare,” Dawn replied, her voice wrought with what sounded like sorrow.

Gary took off for home.

The trip was a blur of trees he couldn’t admire this time, grass and flowers he couldn’t smell. And after he got home and parked his bike and headed inside, he walked over to the studio room in a daze. He couldn’t make himself sit in his chair. His heart was aching, his mind racing, his body trembling. Oh, how he wished he had someone to talk to, someone to hold him, someone to say “I’m here, Gare. I’ll take over the show tonight. Lie down and I’ll make you some coffee.” But the only person Gary could think of who he even wanted to be with was Jeff. And Jeff was...

Jeff wasn’t even his.

Standing in the threshold, Gary stared out the window, watching the wind chimes blow in the breeze. With only a couple of minutes left before showtime, he turned and left for the bedroom. He’d have to settle for being alone.

***

Gary bolted awake when there was a loud clatter from the kitchen, something that sounded like things from the drying rack—pots and pans and silverware—falling onto the tile floor. Hands shaking, Gary fumbled to retrieve his glasses from the nightstand and then switched on the bedside lamp. Was someone breaking in? Gary crept toward the closet to retrieve his baseball bat, his heart beating hard and fast in his chest, his mind working furiously to try to comprehend what was happening. The moment his hand found the bat’s wooden handle, Jeff’s voice came from the hall.

“Gare?”

Air rushed out of Gary’s lungs in one forceful huff as he sank to his knees.

Heart still thudding wildly, it took a moment before he pulled himself together enough to call back. “Jeff?”

Footsteps, followed by the turning of the doorknob.

“Are you okay?” Jeff asked. “You never went on the air.”

“Yeah,” Gary said, still so rattled that his hands continued to tremble. “Boy, Jeff, you nearly scared me out of my skin. I thought I had locked everything when I came home earlier.”

“I broke in.”

Gary huffed a laugh. “Oh, well, that’s normal.”

“I never said I was normal,” Jeff said with a snort.

“Didn’t you call?”

“No.”

Gary should probably make fun of Jeff for not calling first, but some strange part of him preferred it this way: Jeff rushing over to see him like a... like a knight in shining armor. Or, well, maybe more like a hitman, considering the breaking and entering.

“How’d you manage to bypass the lock?” Gary asked.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“God, that’s frightening,” Gary said, heaving a sigh, his chest warming in a pleasant way from the knowledge that his knight-in-shining-armor-slash-hitman had gone through such lengths to reach him. When Jeff knelt beside him, Gary threw him a smile. “It’s kind of sexy too, somehow.”

“Thanks,” Jeff said, smiling back. “So, uh, what happened?”

“Just . . .” Gary winced. “Someone died.”

Jeff’s smile vanished. “Someone?”

“My... uhm...” Gary’s stomach churned. He hadn’t even said it out loud yet. “My dad.”

“Oh. Fuck.”

“No, no, it’s okay,” Gary said quickly. “I barely knew him. He left when I was a kid.” Embarrassed heat crept up the back of Gary’s neck, and he looked away. “It’s not a big deal.”

“Uh, seems like it is.”

“Yeah, okay, it is , but it shouldn’t be. I mean, he left, and his leaving broke everything.” Gary pushed his frames up on top of his head, rubbed his eyes, and then lowered his glasses again. “I think a part of me had been hoping that he’d come home with a perfectly valid explanation for leaving. Or maybe I was hoping he’d come back on his knees, pleading forgiveness? I’m not really sure. Silly either way, right? Geez, Gare, how pathetic.”

“Nah, it’s not silly. I’d have probably felt like that too.”

“I still loved him, I think,” Gary said softly. “Even though he left us.”

Slowly, Jeff’s hand came into view, inching across the brown carpet, and then, Jeff’s fingertips touched his. “I’m sorry you lost him, radio man.”

Gary’s fingertips started to tingle, right where he and Jeff were touching, and soon that pins-and-needles-like sensation seemed to travel up to his chest. It settled there, warming him and comforting him and taking up so much room that Gary could barely even breathe. When was the last time he’d been cared for like this? If only he had the courage, Gary would have said, as cheesy as it was, that Jeff’s sweetness had literally taken his breath away.

Instead, once the enormity of the moment passed and Gary could breathe again, he sat with the lovely tingling warmth for a while, silently savoring its beauty.

Finally, he managed to say, “Thank you, Jeffrey. I’m so happy you’re here.”

Without even a pause, Jeff said, “Me too.”

For the next couple of minutes, they sat together in silence, Jeff’s light touch providing Gary with the courage he needed to replay the conversation he’d had with his sister in his head. Mom never told me where he was. Had his mom really known? And for how long? God, the possibility was terrifying. And the not knowing was killing him. Maybe she had known. But that would mean... Had she really kept their father from them?

Tapping Gary’s fingers with his own, Jeff asked, “So, what now?”

Gary only shrugged, his thoughts still faraway.

“Do you want me to stay?” Jeff asked.

Gary forced a nod, though he felt so incredibly selfish for it.

“Come on,” Jeff said, standing and motioning for Gary to follow.

Mechanically, Gary stood, though he hadn’t yet managed to come back to the present. It took seeing Jeff climbing onto the bed for those last lingering thoughts of his mother’s potential betrayal to vanish. And then, while Jeff lay facing him, Gary stayed rooted to the spot, overcome with the shame he felt for wanting intimacy that he knew Jeff must not be comfortable providing.

“Come here, radio man,” Jeff said.

Gary’s cheeks began to burn. Jeff had probably already ventured out of his comfort zone by coming over in the middle of the night. That was something a boyfriend might do, but Jeff wasn’t his boyfriend. Jeff couldn’t be his boyfriend. And yet, Gary wanted to climb into bed next to him. He wanted it so much. How could he be so selfish?

“I’m okay,” Jeff said. “Really, Gare.”

Even though shame continued to burn beneath his skin, Gary forced himself to start toward the bed, and when he reached the edge, poised to climb in next to his not-boyfriend, Jeff sat up on his elbow and leaned toward him. Gary’s brow wrinkled with confusion. He wondered what Jeff was reaching for. But then, Jeff took off Gary’s black frames and placed them on the nightstand. And, God , how sweet was that? Intimate, too.

“Thanks, Jeff. I... that was so sweet of you,” Gary said, still so touched that his words were coming out a little high-pitched, his voice catching in his throat. “I’d forgotten I was even wearing them.”

After switching off the light, Gary climbed into bed next to Jeff, and the two of them lay facing each other. Gary could only barely make out Jeff’s face from the hallway night-light, its faint yellow glow spilling into the bedroom.

“I feel so silly,” Gary said.

“You’re not.”

Gary shut his eyes. Despite Jeff’s sweetness, sadness and shame continued to rise inside of him, fast and furious like a storm, and before he could protect himself from its intensity, a tear slid down his cheek. He opened his eyes, trying to hold more tears back, but then, Jeff reached up slowly and touched his cheek with one thumb, brushing the tear away. And Gary couldn’t stop the rush of emotion.

“God, Jeffrey, I’m sorry,” he said with a barely contained sob.

“No.” Jeff caressed his cheek once more, and the feel of Jeff’s slightly calloused skin caused a few more tears to fall. “Don’t be.”

“I can’t believe I’m reacting like this. He wasn’t even in my life.”

“It’s okay. It’ll be okay.”

Gary’s face continued to burn as more tears poured from his eyes. How could it be that, even though he was falling to pieces, he had never before felt so whole?

***

Early in the morning, Gary woke to the feeling of warm sunshine hitting his face, and when his eyes flitted open, he saw Jeff staring at him, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. Gary smiled back, and then Jeff’s smile widened, and, boy, was it beautiful. Better than the best sunrise in the entire world.

“How’d you sleep?” Gary asked.

Jeff shrugged one of his shoulders. “Didn’t.”

Guilt began to churn in Gary’s stomach. “Ugh.” He buried his face in the pillow and let out a quiet groan. “I’m sorry.”

“Why? I’ve stayed up all night before.”

Slowly, Gary forced himself to come out from hiding, turning his face. Geez, how was he not supposed to feel shitty for making Jeff lose a whole night of rest?

“So, what, you watched me sleep for six hours?” Gary asked.

“Nah, I have a whole world in my head. I can live in it for hours.”

Gary’s heart fluttered. How was Jeff so cool?

“Well, that’s neat. You never cease to surprise me, Jeffrey.”

In response, Jeff let out a little snort-laugh, and Gary narrowed his eyes at him.

“What?”

“You know my real name isn’t Jeffrey, right?”

Gary’s smile fell, his eyebrows knitting together. “What? No. It... What?”

“Didn’t you see the phone book?”

“Well, yeah, but you can be listed as whatever you want, can’t you? Or, I mean, is your full name Jeff Russo? ”

“Nope,” Jeff said, and his sly smile was equal parts endearing and infuriating. “Well, okay, yes and no.”

“Now you have to explain.”

“James was my birth name—same as my sorry excuse for a father—but, well, he was fucking terrible, so I eventually changed it to Jeff. Not Jeffrey.”

Gary’s face flushed. No, his whole body seemed to flush. It felt like he’d been set on fire from embarrassment.

“Oh my God, I feel like such an asshole!”

Jeff let out a low, rumbly chuckle. “You’re not.”

“I’ve been calling you the wrong name!”

“I like that you call me Jeffrey.”

Still feeling horrible, Gary tried to study Jeff’s face for insincerity. But Jeff seemed to be telling the truth.

“Really?” Gary asked.

“Yeah. It’s special.”

That admission from Jeff finally eased Gary’s embarrassment just enough that his skin started to cool, although he still had trouble really believing that Jeff wasn’t upset. Rolling onto his back, Gary threw an arm over his face so he could hide in the crook of his elbow.

“God, what a bad assumption that was,” he lamented. “ Jeffrey . Ugh.”

“I told you, I like it,” Jeff said, his tone kind but serious. “I’ll be pissed if you stop.”

Gary let out a laugh, followed by a sigh. “Okay, but if you ever hate it—”

“I won’t.”

When Gary removed his arm from his face, he was relieved to see that Jeff was still smiling at him, and his stomach fluttered excitedly from the sight. Gosh, how he wished he could just stay here with Jeff all day, safe in this comfortable little bubble, letting Jeff’s smile brighten up his sad excuse for a life.

But he knew they both had responsibilities, even if he wasn’t sure just how much he’d be able to function today. He sighed. “What time is it?” he asked, hoping maybe they could at least have a little while longer.

“Thirty minutes or so before Graham’s Flour Hour .”

“Boy, I’m not even sure if I can make myself care. I’d rather stay here with you instead,” Gary admitted.

“Go on the radio. I’ll stay here. Nap.”

Gary hummed to himself. While he really wanted to just skip the program and continue to spend time together, Jeff was probably exhausted. Sadness tugged at Gary’s heart. Staying over in his bed—what an incredibly selfless thing that was for Jeff to have done.

“Do you work later?” Gary asked.

“Nope.”

“I hope you can catch up a little on sleep, then.”

When Gary started to climb out of bed, Jeff poked him with his foot, stopping him.

“Do you want to come to Oklahoma with me?”

“Next week?”

“Yeah.”

“For the tornadoes?”

“Yeah.”

Settling back on the bed, Gary asked, “Are you sure?”

“Can you not leave the station for that long?”

“I can. It’s my station. I’ll have to let everyone in Niles know I’m taking a vacation, though.”

“Good. I want to share my silly hobby with you. ”

Gary’s whole body started to buzz with excitement, and yet, Jeff’s offer was so unexpected that Gary couldn’t find the words to respond.

“What do you think?” Jeff asked.

Gary managed to sputter, “Geez, I’d... I’d love that.” He still couldn’t believe it. First Jeff had come over to take care of him, and soon they would be vacationing together? Wow! “Really?”

“Yeah.” Smiling sweetly, Jeff reached up to touch Gary’s cheek. “You and me, radio man. We’ll chase the storms together.”

With those beautiful words, Gary’s still-lingering worries and insecurities regarding his family situation simply fell away, and now the only thing Gary had in his head was the thought that he really, really liked Jeff. A lot. A whole lot. More than he’d ever liked anyone. Boyfriend label or not, Jeff was becoming his person. Jeff had shown up to his house in the middle of the night because he had been concerned. And then Jeff had taken care of him. Gary had to hope that, someday, he could show Jeff the same kind of care in return.

Closing his eyes, Gary tried to imagine their upcoming vacation together. Fear began to swirl in his stomach from the mere thought of seeing a tornado.

But no matter his fears, he’d follow Jeff anywhere.

Even into the middle of a storm.