11. Chapter Ten

Chapter Ten

Jeff

J eff and Gary had only been on the road for an hour, and already, it had been the best Goddamn hour of Jeff’s life. Even with the constant mediocre music that Gary had insisted they listen to—fucking Kenny Loggins and Madonna and whoever else. Although witnessing Gary’s silly seat-restricted dance moves was probably worth the potential headache. Finally, when the second or third replay of “Like a Virgin” ended, Jeff ejected Gary’s tape.

“My turn,” Jeff said, scrambling to find his Dean Martin mix tape with his right hand while keeping his left hand on the steering wheel.

He was rummaging through the tapes in the middle console when Gary found it for him.

“What is it with you and these male singers?” Gary asked, opening the plastic case.

“Nothing,” Jeff said, even though it definitely wasn’t nothing.

Gary popped in the tape. “Don’t lie.”

“We had a record player when I was a kid. That’s all.”

“Uh-huh. You and every other family in Ohio.”

“Not every family.”

“Jeff. Come on.”

Even though it wasn’t really something uncomfortable to talk about, Jeff wasn’t sure if he wanted to reveal that much to Gary so soon. He had fessed up to the truth regarding his name. What if Gary kept pitying him ?

“Pleeeeaaase,” Gary said, pressing his palms together.

Shaking his head, Jeff could barely contain a smile. It was kind of fun to watch Gary try to pull the information out of him like this. It was fun to see him practically beg .

Several rounds of Gary saying “tell me, tell me, tell me” followed. Finally, Gary shout-whined “Jeffrey!” in this stupidly cute way that made Jeff’s heart melt, breaking his resolve.

“ Fiiine ,” Jeff relented. “I like them because when I was a kid, the only time things were peaceful in the evenings was probably when we, as a family, listened to these records. And so that’s what they are to me. Peace. Serenity. Bullshit like that.”

It was kind of nice to say that out loud.

Gary sighed. “Ah, now I feel bad for making you listen to Bon Jovi.” Pouting, he said, “Geez, I’ll never feel right playing my music again.”

Chuckling evilly, Jeff looked over at Gary and said, “Good.”

Gary let out a scoff. “You can be a real heel,” he said, though his cheery smile let Jeff know he wasn’t really upset.

Loving the tease, Jeff threw Gary a wink, and then Gary started to pout again in this very fake, very adorable manner. Yeah, this trip was fucking great.

After a few more hours, the two of them stopped at a diner near Indianapolis. Jeff knew the place. It was nice—black-and-white checkered floors, rows of pink-and-green booths, an old jukebox filled with the type of music Jeff enjoyed—and so, even before they parked the car, Jeff was practically buzzing with excitement. He couldn’t wait to show Gary the place. Drake’s Diner had become one of his favorite pit stops on his trips out west. Every May for the last three years, Jeff had returned for what he thought was probably the best mediocre meal in the whole Goddamn country .

Once they were seated, Jeff ordered a chocolate malt milkshake for them to share and then opened the menu to pick his meal, exhilaration still making his heart flutter.

“Wow, we’re sharing a milkshake, huh?” Gary said. “Romantic.”

Smirking, Jeff replied, “More romantic than potato salad.”

“Hey, that potato salad was made with red potatoes,” Gary retorted. “Red is the color of love. Everyone knows that.”

“You peeled them.”

“That is . . . a very valid point.”

“So, you removed the love completely.”

“Yes, Jeffrey, I know,” Gary said with a sigh. “Don’t rub it in.”

Chuckling to himself, Jeff perused the menu, and when the waitress came back with the milkshake, both he and Gary ordered their meals. For Jeff, a burger with mayo, and for Gary, a spinach and cheese omelet with a side of toast.

While they waited for their food, they shared the milkshake. And it was romantic in a cheesy kind of way. Jeff’s stomach fluttered intermittently as they passed the straw back and forth, chatting in between sips and generally continuing to enjoy each other’s company.

It wasn’t long before they had their food.

After a couple of bites, Jeff pulled out a few of his maps and went over the plan for the next few days with Gary. They’d stay overnight in St. Louis and then finish the trek to Oklahoma, spending one night in Tulsa before waking up early and heading to Norman. In Norman, they’d meet up with a couple of storm chasers Jeff had kept in touch with over the last three years. While Jeff wasn’t the only one from out of state, he was the only one who came just for two or so weeks a year. Most other storm chasers, they’d stay the entire month. Some of them were meteorologists. Others were hobbyists like him. Jeff warned Gary that they’d be spending a ton of time in the car over the coming weeks and that despite the name, storm chasing was almost the exact opposite of what Gary was used to with his radio station. While radio broadcasting was fast-paced and lively and filled with constant stimulation, storm chasing was... not.

After they paid for their meal (well, Gary paid, but not without plenty of protesting on Jeff’s part), they were on the road again. Thankfully, Gary still seemed excited—exuding this enthusiastic energy—even though the fields of wheat and corn weren’t much to look at. Maybe they’d be cool to see for a couple of minutes, but not for hours and hours and hours like the trip necessitated.

Close to four o’clock, worry started to prickle at Jeff’s insides, making him shift in his seat. Hopefully Gary wasn’t secretly thinking that this trip was a bore. Clutching the wheel tighter, Jeff fought not to show how nervous he suddenly was.

Gary must have caught on because he said, completely unprompted, “No matter where we are or what we’re up to, spending time with you is plenty exciting, Jeffrey.”

Over the next hour, Jeff kept repeating those words to himself like a mantra.

Around seven, they bought some chips and Jell-O from a gas station rather than stopping at another restaurant and then checked into a motel, booking a room with two full-sized beds to save some money. Jeff had to hope that he’d be able to sleep with Gary in the room. It hadn’t really been possible back in Niles with Gary curled up right next to him, but separate sleeping spaces would probably help. Maybe.

The week before, when Jeff had spent the night in Gary’s bed, every time Jeff had started to fall asleep, something had roused him, and so, he’d given up trying pretty early. Jeff hadn’t managed to tell Gary that he really had tried to sleep. Not only because it was pathetic, but because saying that would probably have made Gary feel like shit. Only one of them needed to feel like shit at a time. And Jeff liked being that person. He was used to it.

Since both Jeff and Gary were pretty tired from the long trip, they readied themselves for bed as soon as they got settled in the hotel room, without even trying to watch the tiny, probably half-broken television they had in the room. As Jeff closed his eyes, he started feeling pretty confident. Maybe this setup—two separate beds a few feet apart— was okay for him. And Jeff did sleep.

At least for a little while.

But then his quiet sleep turned to dark and angry dreams. He fought and clawed his way out until he was finally able to suck in a sharp breath. He bolted upright, his heart beating ferociously in his chest. Images of the nightmare were fading fast, only flashes of Don’s fucking face and the sensation of his ex-boyfriend’s rough hands pressing him into the mattress remained, and yet Jeff couldn’t let go of the panic, his breathing fast and labored, sweat on his brow.

After a few breaths, Jeff realized where he was. And who he was with.

Grimacing, Jeff looked over at Gary, expecting to see him wide awake from Jeff’s outburst, but his eyes were closed and his breathing was steady. Jeff sighed with relief.

For the next hour, Jeff lay staring at the ceiling, trying to calm his racing heart and even faster-moving thoughts. Finally, when Jeff couldn’t stand it anymore, he crept over to Gary’s bed. Because, intimacy problems be damned, he wanted to be near Gary, even if it meant he wouldn’t sleep another wink that night. He obviously wasn’t sleeping anyway.

When Jeff shimmied under the covers, Gary roused a little.

“Jeff?” he asked, lulling his head to the side, his eyes still shut .

“Just thought I’d stay here for a while,” Jeff whispered. “Go back to sleep, Gare.”

“Mmmkay,” Gary mumbled, his voice thick with sleep.

In seconds, Gary’s breathing slowed. Nuzzling as close to Gary as he could, Jeff breathed in Gary’s scent—faintly like lemon, probably whatever kind of soap he liked to use—and let out a contented hum. Time passed like that for a while, with Jeff’s nose pressed to Gary’s shoulder, but then, overcome with the need for rest, Jeff rolled over to face the other way.

Right when Jeff was starting to feel more comfortable, the haze of half-slumber cloaking his mind, Gary shifted over toward him, snaking one arm around Jeff’s midsection, and the sensation caused Jeff to freeze. Seconds stretched into minutes as Jeff struggled to breathe properly, panic rising in his chest.

But then Gary mumbled Jeff’s name.

“Jeffrey,” he said, his voice so slow and thick that Jeff could barely understand him. But, God, it made him smile.

No one had ever called him that before. Not Don. Not Mel. Not Brandon. Only Gary.

Jeffrey.

It was like a promise of safety. Of care.

Panic subsiding, Jeff scooted backwards, and Gary hugged him tighter.

“Sweet dreams, radio man,” Jeff whispered.

He spent the rest of the night teetering on the edge of sleep.

** *

The next day was filled with even more driving, and by the time they reached Norman early the following morning, Jeff’s eyelids were heavy, his muscles practically screaming from exhaustion. They were scheduled to meet up with the rest of his storm-chasing group for a late breakfast, but not for another four hours, which was what Jeff had expected, more or less. Everyone else who traveled to Norman from out of state had a habit of arriving a whole twenty-four hours ahead of the scheduled meetup, but Jeff’s time off from the mall was too limited for him to want to waste time meandering around Norman for that long. So, instead, he liked to cut it close. Not too close, though. So now, even though they’d taken their time that morning, they still had a bunch more to waste.

Jeff was so Goddamn tired that Gary suggested he rest in the back seat of the car for a while. Jeff wasn’t too optimistic that he’d be able to sleep, but he figured he might as well try. So after they found a parking spot in the lot next to the coffee shop where the meetup would be, Jeff moved into the back seat while Gary stayed up front and read a magazine. Somehow, even with the car being five hundred degrees, Jeff slept like a baby.

Four-ish hours later, Jeff sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He felt so much better, even considering how disgusted he was by the fact that his T-shirt was now soaked with sweat thanks to the ungodly temperature inside the car. Gary didn’t tease him about it, only asked him how he felt and offered to help find him a clean shirt to wear. Then, after he changed, they headed into the coffee shop together .

A couple of the other storm nuts were already there—Marsha, a twenty-five-year-old mom who lived in Tulsa and worked as a bookkeeper for some insurance firm, and Ted, a man who lived in Florida and worked as a landscaper (he seemed to be around thirty or so)—chatting and munching on bakery items. Even though Jeff had only known his fellow storm chasers for three years, he still felt a little pang of fondness when he saw them. Being with these people, it had become like a home away from home. Storm chasing was a niche hobby, one without that many participants, and there was a special sort of bond between everyone who took part in it.

Jeff and Gary ordered a couple of coffees before walking over to where Marsha and Ted sat.

“Hey,” Jeff said, balancing his coffee in his left hand and holding out his right. “Remember me?”

“Of course we remember you, Jeff,” Ted said with a crooked smile. He stood up and shook Jeff’s hand. “We see you every year!”

“Even though you never want to ride with anyone else,” Marsha teased, standing up too. “Except this time maybe?” She looked over at Gary. “Friend of yours?”

“Uh, yeah,” Jeff said. “From Niles.”

Gary held out his hand. “Gary Graham.”

“Nice to meet you Gary,” Ted said, shaking it. “Excited to see some storms this week?”

“Very.” Gary shook Marsha’s hand next. “So, what’s the protocol here?”

“Like, what happens?” Ted asked, and Gary nodded. “Well, we typically have breakfast together, and then we head over to the National Severe Storms Laboratory, figure out the forecast. Sometimes, we’ll be lucky, and there’ll be a storm forecasted for somewhere nearby—only a couple of hours away—but most of the time, we’ll have to head really far, sometimes even to Kansas or something. ”

Gary’s eyebrows shot up. “Wow.”

Marsha chimed in. “And if we’re really unlucky, blue skies everywhere. For the whole week! One time, a bunch of us caught a plane to Texas instead, so that we could see something on our time off from work.”

“So, it’s a crapshoot,” Gary said.

“Yeah,” Marsha admitted with a shrug. “But we love it.”

Ted said, “It’s worth it to see a storm. Trust me.”

After that, Marsha and Ted started telling Gary some stories of the storms they’d seen over the last couple of years. Meanwhile, Jeff kept thinking about what Gary had said about storm chasing being a crapshoot. It really was a crapshoot to travel such a long way. Coming out to Tornado Alley each year for a vacation had worked out okay for Jeff so far. He had seen a bunch of cool storms and had even witnessed a few funnels. But there was always a chance that they’d strike out, not even see a single pretty cloud formation. If that happened this year, Gary might end up feeling like this whole trip was a waste of time.

In the middle of the conversation, Gary leaned over to try to catch Jeff’s eye, his forehead etched with concern. He’d probably seen Jeff scowling to himself as he’d worried about whether this would end up being a very pointless and very boring trip for Gary.

“Everything okay?” Gary mouthed.

Worry still coiling in his stomach, Jeff only shrugged in response.

Over the next hour, several other storm enthusiasts trickled in, and then everyone had breakfast and coffee together. Jeff’s stomach was churning too much for him to even eat. At least Gary had managed to eat, inhaling some kind of raspberry-filled pastry. While everyone finished their meal, Jeff sat bouncing his legs and wringing his hands. Hopefully their trip to the National Severe Storms Laboratory would reveal the promise of storms in the forecast.

Once breakfast was over, everyone piled into their vehicles and got on the road. Jeff followed the caravan, bracing himself for Gary’s prying. Not because Gary was nosy. But because Gary was Gary. Sure enough, they weren’t on the road for two minutes before Gary reached over and tapped the steering wheel to catch Jeff’s attention.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked.

“Nothing.”

“Uh-huh. I thought you’d have been bursting with happiness out here. Tornado Alley!”

“Yeah...” Jeff shifted in his seat. “You know, we might not see a storm.”

“So?”

“Won’t it feel like a waste of time?”

“Is that how you’d feel?”

“No, but—”

“Well, I wouldn’t feel that way either. I’m happy spending time with you,” Gary said, his tone chipper, as usual. Jeff glanced over to see Gary grinning at him, and some of his nervousness eased. Of course Gary wouldn’t be upset. He was way too fucking nice. Jeff focused ahead again as Gary continued, “I mean, wow, I’m so excited to be part of this. It’s special to you, I can tell. And, Jeff, the last few nights... I wish I could put into words what they’ve meant to me.”

Jeff’s cheeks warmed, and fondness bubbled to life inside him, making his heart flutter. After their first night together in the motel in St. Louis, Jeff had spent half of yesterday evening in Gary’s bed as well, and though he hadn’t really been sleeping next to Gary , the closeness had meant a lot to him too. Every night, Jeff seemed to be feeling more comfortable with Gary .

Small miracles.

“They’ve meant a lot to me too, Gare,” he admitted, still keeping his eyes on the road ahead.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Jeff let out a long breath, and relief washed over him like cool summer rain. Maybe everything would be okay after all.

Soon, they were inside the National Severe Storms Laboratory, hanging back while folks who were real researchers, not just hobbyists, studied the Doppler radar and performed some calculations. Had Gary been more experienced, he’d have probably been excited to help with that too, but Jeff was only there to follow the team to wherever the storms were likely to form. Somehow, it seemed as though they had really lucked out. Not only were there storms forecasted within a couple hours of Norman that very afternoon, but it looked like there might be some storms in the area the following day too. Thank God. No fucking way Gary would be bored on the trip now.

Afterward, Jeff and Gary bought a couple of snacks from a convenience store, and then they left the city, heading east. According to the forecast, the storm would probably hit in Lincoln County, which wasn’t too far from Norman, and so the two of them needed to shoot for the general area, being careful not to wind up inside the fucking storm, of course. For the most part, Jeff felt confident in their safety. He knew how to spot where the storms were likely to form. And he knew how to stay out of their path while still being close enough to watch them.

As they cruised down the highway, though, Gary started to look nervous—chewing on his nails intermittently while bouncing one of his legs. Glancing up at the sky, which was still bright blue with white puffs of cauliflower above, even more of them in the distance to the northwest, Jeff tried to work out how to put Gary’s mind at ease.

“Hey, Gare,” he said, before pointing out the window. “See those clouds there? Kind of like towers rising up into the sky?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, that’s where the storm’ll be.”

“How are you sure?”

“Just, look—” Jeff paused and pointed lower. “See that space there? Between the horizon and the clouds? It’s like a neat line, right?”

“Uh-huh.”

“I think... uh... shit, sorry, trying to remember what they call it. Doesn’t matter. But see how the mass of clouds is moving? Rotating, kinda? That’s where we might see a funnel.”

“So, a tornado won’t form right on top of us?”

Jeff tried to offer a reassuring smile. “No.”

“Are you sure ?”

“Yes, I’m sure.” Looking out the side window, Jeff pursed his lips. He really wanted this to be spectacular. “I think we ought to try to move closer, though. It’s moving northeast toward us—not over us—but maybe we’re too far south to really see much.”

Not as much as he wanted to see, that was. He really wanted Gary to see—no, to feel —the reason why he liked watching storms so much.

When Jeff took an exit to reroute them, Gary resumed bouncing his leg.

“Everyone else seems to—” he started to say, but Jeff cut him off.

“I know,” Jeff said. Everyone else was still heading southeast. They’d probably park soon, prepare to take pictures. “Just trust me.”

“Okay . . . ”

“We’re okay. I promise.”

Over the next twenty minutes, the sky started to darken, and then rain started to hit the windshield, first only a few droplets here and there, but eventually a whole bunch of them. Jeff wasn’t too worried, though. While the sky to the west was now nearly black in color, the clouds above were only light gray. The spot he’d picked was fine.

But Gary continued to bounce his leg. Soon, he started wringing his hands, too. Fuck. Empathy crackled in Jeff’s chest, making his heart hurt. Even though he could see that the harshest part of the storm was still safely west of them, moving northeast, Gary looked terrified.

Jeff pulled over to the side of the road.

When he cut the engine, he tried to ease Gary’s worry with a smile.

“We’re still pretty far,” he said encouragingly before pointing toward the turning mass of clouds. “Look, I think we might see something out there. Can you see that the center is lowering a bit? It’s a funnel. Not sure if it’ll touch, though.”

Gary only stared wordlessly, one of his legs still bouncing. He’d resumed chewing on his fingernails too. Affection pulled at Jeff’s heart. For someone who often seemed like an endless optimist, Gary clearly had limits to his positivity.

“Hey,” Jeff said, reaching for Gary’s free hand.

And the moment their fingers touched, excitement shot through Jeff’s veins, his heart hammering wildly as he interlaced their fingers. Holy shit, they were finally holding hands.

“We’re okay, Gare,” Jeff said.

Gary let out a long breath. “Thank you.”

Jeff continued to watch the sky, rubbing the back of Gary’s hand with his thumb, and even though the storm was cool, what was happening inside the car was much more exciting. Much more terrifying too. God, he really, really liked Gary. He wanted them to be together. Together together. Boyfriends.

“Gare?”

“Yeah?” Gary said in response, his voice trembling slightly.

And that trembling made Jeff wince. Despite now badly he wanted to ask Gary to label what they were, he couldn’t bring himself to broach the topic, not while Gary was fucking falling apart from sheer nervousness like this.

“Gare, I want you to be my boyfriend.” It was on the tip of his tongue, but...

He heard one more of Gary’s inhales, shaky and uncertain.

Now wasn’t the right time.

“Cool, isn’t it?” Jeff asked instead, nodding out the window.

“Uh, yeah, sure,” Gary said through an uneasy chuckle.

Just then, the funnel kissed the ground, and Gary sucked in a breath. Which was... wow. Fucking adorable. Jeff squeezed his hand. After a moment, Gary squeezed back.

“Best one I’ve ever seen,” Jeff said, still rubbing the back of Gary’s hand with his thumb. “Thanks for coming with me, radio man.”

Jeff noticed Gary’s eyes were becoming misty. He fought back a laugh. What a sap.

“Sorry,” Gary choked out. “Geez, I’ve never experienced anything like this. I think I’m... overwhelmed.”

“I know. I was too, the first time I saw one.”

“And I think the hand-holding, while sweet, is not helping me feel less overwhelmed.” Gary tried to smile but seemed uncertain. “All of this is... pretty scary.”

“I know.” Pushing past his own uncertainty, Jeff raised Gary’s hand and kissed it. “We’re okay, though, Gare.”

At that moment, while Jeff still couldn’t make sense of the mess that was inside his own head, something told him that he and Gary might be okay. After all, he was holding Gary’s hand, contemplating a relationship, and somehow, he wasn’t panicked. He wasn’t pulling away. He felt safe with Gary, and hopefully, that feeling of safety might mean that the two of them could be together together someday soon. For now, Jeff squeezed Gary’s hand once more, surrendering himself to the moment, and let himself enjoy being kind-of-intimate with his sort-of-boyfriend while they watched the funnel spin.

***

That night, while Gary was propped up in his bed lost in a book, Jeff was in his own bed trying to read too. But it was useless. Even though his book was supposed to be a compelling horror novel, Jeff couldn’t seem to manage to lose himself in the story. Probably because his mind kept focusing on something more terrifying—the possibility of intimacy— real intimacy —with Gary Goddamn Graham. Fuck, Gary was only three or four feet away. Jeff’s eyes flitted over to him the moment Gary licked his finger to turn the page of his book. God, that was cute, though not exactly hygienic. Fuck!

Jeff realized he must have made a noise—some kind of needy, horny whine or something—when Gary looked over at him and said, “Hm?”

“Nothing,” Jeff said quickly, returning his eyes to his book.

He scanned the page but not one word made it into his brain. Instead, he had to concentrate on not looking back over at Gary. Dammit, the whole situation was infuriating. If Don had never happened, he’d have climbed right into Gary’s bed and kissed the hell out of him.

Again, Jeff looked over at his kind-of-boyfriend, taking a second to appreciate Gary’s stupidly cute face, and then forced his eyes back to the page. Minutes later, he was fighting the urge to look over there again so hard that it felt like he was more or less trying to burn a hole in the book with his eyeballs when Gary cleared his throat. Jeff was so wound up, he nearly jumped at the sound.

“Do you... want to sit next to me?” Gary offered.

Fuck.

Tension filled the room, and the three feet of space between them started crackling with electricity, with the possibility of something more, something wonderful. And, God, Jeff wanted more with Gary. Much, much more.

He had to try.

“Yeah,” Jeff said, trying to keep his voice level, even though his hands were starting to tremble. Hopefully Gary wouldn’t notice.

As Gary shifted to the left, Jeff climbed onto the mattress next to him.

With a silly smile, Gary said, “What about your book?”

Jeff looked back at his own bed. Apparently, he had forgotten it.

“Don’t need it,” Jeff said, hoping he sounded a hell of a lot more confident than he felt.

“Right,” Gary said.

Jeff’s mind worked furiously to try to figure out how to move forward. He wanted, needed , to find his boundaries. He was so Goddamn tired of phone sex.

“I want to try something,” Jeff said.

“Sure. Whatever you want. Just, please, I never want you to feel pressured to—”

“I won’t.”

He knew what it was like to feel pressured, and this wasn’t it. Gary wasn’t Don. Gary was...

Jeff studied Gary’s face—his beautiful, emerald-colored eyes; his sweet, uncertain smile; those stupidly hot, stupidly nerdy black frames—and a rush of excitement flowed through him, making his heart rate soar.

Yeah, Gary was perfect.

With that thought in his head, Jeff pushed both his bed shorts and his briefs down to his knees.

“Whoa, okay.” Gary turned to face away, then looked back, and then looked away again. “Sorry. I, wow , I am not sure where I’m supposed to be looking right now.”

Jeff’s heart was still trying to escape his rib cage, but he needed to put Gary at ease somehow.

“Wherever you want to look,” Jeff said, trying to be playful.

“I’m okay studying the wall, though now that has me wondering about the cleanliness of this place. I mean, the wallpaper is peeling.”

Funny Gary Graham. Like always.

“Look at me, Gare.”

Gary looked back at him, though his expression made Jeff’s stomach sour a bit. Nose wrinkled, eyes squeezed half-shut, lips pressed to form a thin line, Gary looked to be either very worried or wildly uncomfortable. Probably both. Dammit.

“I’ve never had someone make that face at me before. Do you not want to—”

“No!” Gary blurted out. “Just . . . I’m worried.”

“Remember, this was my idea.” Gary still seemed be trying his best not to let his eyes travel southward. With a roll of his eyes, Jeff said, “Gare, you can look.”

Gary’s eyes flitted to Jeff’s cock and then back up to his face.

“Done. ”

“Get rid of your book.”

“No problem.” Gary tossed it over his shoulder, and it hit the lamp on the nightstand, nearly causing the lamp to topple over, which made both of them both flinch. “Geez, sorry. I was trying to be cool.”

In what he hoped would be a reassuring tone, Jeff said, “You’re always cool, radio man.”

Gary snorted. “Wow. I’ve never seen someone spout a blatant lie with such a straight face before.”

How could Jeff have thought he’d ever not feel safe with someone like Gary?

“Stop,” Jeff said, nudging Gary with his elbow. “Take off your pants.”

Maybe that had come out a bit more forcefully than Jeff had intended, but, well, whatever moved them forward.

“Okay.” Gary moved his hands to his waistband but then paused, exhaling a shaky breath. “Jeff, I’m really nervous.”

“Don’t be.” Jeff tapped Gary with his foot. “We’ll start small.”

“How small?”

Furrowing his brow, Jeff thought for a moment.

“I want to watch you touch yourself,” Jeff finally said. “I’ll touch myself too.”

“Phew, yeah, okay, we can try that,” Gary said, his tone noticeably less anxious.

Jeff supposed he couldn’t blame him. Back when they’d first started having phone sex, Jeff had made it sound like he’d never be up for more than that. So, yeah, it made sense that this change was probably freaking Gary out a little.

“I’ll be fine, Gare. I want to try this. I want more with you.”

“Okay,” Gary said, and he smiled one of those perfect smiles of his, perking up a bit. “Great!” Once again, Gary started to remove his briefs but then stopped. “Ugh, this is embarrassing, but maybe I can run into the bathroom for some lotion first?”

Gary Goddamn Graham. Always something new with him.

Smirking, Jeff tapped Gary’s foot once more and said, “Adorable.”

“It’s not. It’s weird. It’s probably even weirder to someone like you since I see that you’re... intact... which is really hot, by the way. I mean, I love your penis. It’s... yeah, wow, it’s impressive, but, uhm, sorry, what was I saying?”

With a laugh, Jeff raised a teasing eyebrow. “Something about lotion?”

“Oh! Right! Okay, well, I know not everyone needs or even likes lubrication for, uh, self-play, but I come faster when I have it.” He let out an embarrassed-sounding groan. “Ah, shoot, I’m a real weirdo, aren’t I?”

“You’re not.” Jeff nudged Gary with his foot again, and Gary’s slightly reddened cheeks became even redder. “I want to see you, radio man. Take ’em off.”

After a short pause, Gary pushed his briefs to his knees, revealing his half-hard cock with the most beautiful pink tip. Jeff’s breath caught in his throat, and his own cock started to throb.

“Jesus, Gare.”

“Yeah?” Gary’s fingers brushed over his own cock. “I, well, you too, Jeffrey. I like the look of you too. I already said that, though, huh?” After a moment, Gary said, “So, uh, should I... uh... lotion?”

When Jeff opened his mouth to tell Gary to go find some, the strangest Goddamn idea popped into his head instead.

“Give me your hand,” he said.

Tentatively, Gary held out his hand, and then Jeff leaned over and spit into his palm .

“Holy hell, Jeffrey,” Gary spluttered. “I think that’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.” He rubbed Jeff’s spit over his shaft. “Geez, I won’t last long. Not with that in my brain. Not when I know it’s your spit on my—” Stroking himself, Gary sucked in a breath, his eyes screwing shut. “Shoot, I-I mean, wow.”

Heat rushed to Jeff’s cheeks. How was it that Gary could somehow make him feel so much better about himself? Even now, even when they should have been touching each other? Somehow, Gary was making him feel like this pathetic excuse for intimacy wasn’t pathetic at all.

“You liked that?” Jeff asked, wrapping a hand around his length and starting to stroke.

“God, yes.”

Gary’s eyes locked with his, and they smiled at each other, both of them continuing to pleasure themselves. Christ, Gary was beautiful. After one more minute or so, Gary stopped stroking himself and held out his hand.

“Can I have a little more?”

Jeff’s stomach tumbled. “Yeah. Of course.” Jeff spit into Gary’s palm again, and Gary let out the most needy whimper, as though seeing Jeff unload that wad of spit was nearly enough to unravel him completely. “You’re so fucking cute, Gare.”

Gary started pleasuring himself again, and the wet sound of Gary’s fist sliding up and down the length of his own shaft had Jeff’s heart racing, heat percolating lower in his belly. He began pumping his fist harder.

“I love watching you,” Jeff said, his eyes fixed on Gary’s cock.

“Yeah? Me too. I love watching you too,” Gary rasped, his breathing becoming slightly ragged, his hand moving fast. “Honest to God, Jeff, this is the most fun I’ve ever had in bed.” He breathed a sigh. “I think I might... I might finish soon. ”

Gary’s hips lifted up off the mattress, and the sight had Jeff letting out a whimper of his own, his pleasure nearly reaching its peak.

“Uh . . . where should I . . .” Gary fumbled over his words.

“On me,” Jeff blurted out, suddenly wanting to feel something of Gary’s too. He pushed his shirt up out of the way. “Come on me.”

“Yeah? Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

Slowing his strokes, Gary scrambled to his knees, positioned his cock above Jeff’s stomach, and then started working himself faster once again.

“I’m so close.” Gary sucked in a breath. “If you’re sure...”

“ Yes ,” Jeff said emphatically. “Fuck yes, Gare, I want it.”

With a sound that was somewhere between a moan and a sigh, Gary came onto Jeff’s stomach, some of the warm white liquid spurting onto Jeff’s moving hand, and the sudden warmth made Jeff’s own cock start to pulse.

“I’m... I’m coming too,” Jeff said just as a surge of pleasure overtook him, sending him over the edge. He came onto his stomach, their seed mixing together.

God, what a perfect sight that was.

After a few seconds of post-orgasm bliss, Gary sat back on his heels and said, “Wow.”

“I was hoping for more of a ‘boy howdy,’” Jeff teased with a silly smile.

“Sorry. Hold on.” Gary cleared his throat. “Jiminy Christmas, Jeff, what a neat time that was.”

Curling one of his legs, Jeff poked Gary with his toe. “Better.”

Gary grinned broadly, his eyes sparkling with joy, and then left to fetch some tissues. A few minutes later, once Jeff had finished cleaning himself up, he rolled over to face Gary, who was now lying with him in bed again.

“I loved that,” Gary said. “Every minute of it. But if it was too much for you—”

“No, I loved it too.”

“Okay. Good.” After a moment, Gary shifted his position—burying one hand beneath his pillow to prop up his head a bit more—and said, “I have to know something, though. Did I scare you when I tried to hold your hand that one night way back when? Because, Jeff, I’m so sorry if I upset you.”

Gary’s eyes looked so Goddamn sad—large and pleading—and Jeff’s heart squeezed and clenched from the sight. He reached for Gary’s hand.

“No. Or, maybe. But it’s fine.”

Gary let out a sigh. “I feel terrible.”

“Don’t feel bad, Gare,” Jeff said. “I was okay. I like holding your hand. I was only upset back then because I thought we couldn’t ever be... anything.”

Gary shook Jeff’s hand back and forth a few times. “But we are something.”

“Yeah. We are.”

It was still so unbelievable that someone like Gary—someone with so much to offer—was okay with being whatever the hell the two of them were. And even though the moment was probably right, technically speaking, for Jeff to ask Gary to be his boyfriend, especially given that Gary was no longer shaking from fear while watching a Goddamn tornado, it wasn’t perfect enough. Because even though the intimacy they had just shared had been wonderful—more than Jeff thought he’d ever be capable of experiencing again—Gary deserved more still. And Jeff wanted more, too. Somehow, someway, Jeff needed to fix this, to fix himself , and once he was better, once things were perfect , he would ask Gary to be his.

If only he could figure out how to be less broken.