Forty Two

Forty-Two

Ana

“I t was a mistake.” I shrug and sit back in my seat, downing a long draft of beer. “A knee-jerk reaction. I had to go, if I hadn’t I would’ve always been thinking, what if? I didn’t want that to happen.”

“So you don’t regret going, then?” Cady looks at me, and smiles. I’m so happy she’s here.

“I don’t know. A little, maybe. I should’ve known it was never going to work out, not after everything that’s happened, but I think I panicked, you know? Getting shot really freaked me out so, yeah. I panicked. I ran.”

“It’s understandable, Ana.”

I glance around the bar, watching as a group of women in the corner celebrate what I’m guessing is someone’s bachelorette party. “I’m grateful that you came, Cady.” I turn my head to look at her. “Really. I didn’t know who else to call.”

“He would’ve come running, kiddo.”

“Would he?”

“Yes.”

I don’t know whether she’s telling me the truth or just telling me what she thinks I want to hear. To be honest, I’m not sure what I want to hear.

Cady leans forward, resting her chin in her upturned hand. “Listen to me, Ana. What you’ve done; what you’ve gone through, I get it, okay? I more than anyone else, I get it. I left the club myself, remember? For a while. Because I felt it was the right thing to do, at the time. And then, when I felt ready, I came back. And nobody batted an eyelid.”

I smile, just a small one, but her kind words have reminded me how much I like her.

“Do you want to come back?” she asks, and I don’t know how to answer that. What I want is for me to wake up and realize that this has all been nothing more than some horrific dream: Mama’s downstairs making me my favorite breakfast, I want everything to be normal and ordinary and I know it can’t be, but that’s what I want.

“I want to belong,” I say quietly, to no one in particular, I’m not looking at Cady when I speak. I’m staring down at the table, at the watermarks on the surface where people haven’t bothered to use coasters. “That’s all I want.”

“That’s all anyone wants, kiddo.”

I check the time, and I wonder if Lars and Lea are home yet. If they’ve read the note I left them, telling them I loved them both, I always would, but too much had changed. They’ll understand. They’ll also understand why I said contacting each other again would be a bad idea, we all need to move on, just, not together.

“I can’t go back to Dag and Freja’s.”

“Well, yes, you can. You’re a part of this weird, dysfunctional family whether you like it or not. Whether you choose to come back, or not. Besides,” Cady sits back, resting one arm along the back of her chair, a slightly smug smile on her face, “I’ve already told them you’re coming home.”

“Cady! I didn’t tell you I was definitely coming back.”

“The second you called me you’d already made the decision, Ana.”

Our eyes lock, and I know she’s right. She’s right.

“Freja’s putting clean sheets on the bed as we speak, and I suspect there’s something cooking on that well-worn stove of hers that you really, really like. And if the thought of Freja’s specialty chili doesn’t make you want to run home this second, I don’t know what will.”

I’ve already eaten tonight. Sort of. I didn’t really touch my Chinese food at Lars and Lea’s, in reality. Because I knew this was on the cards.

“I do love Freja’s chili.”

Cady cocks her head again, she’s getting ready to ask me something I’m not sure I want to answer. “Is there anything else you love?”

“She also makes a great lemon and ginger cheesecake.”

Cady rolls her eyes, she knows I’m only using flippancy to avoid having to face up to something I’m trying desperately to avoid.

“I don’t want to throw myself into something I’m not really sure about, Cady. And I know things seemed to be going in the right direction, but they were moving too fast. We were already talking about moving in together, and yeah, the word love had been thrown around, but I’m not sure either of us really meant it, no matter what we told each other. And then this happened, and I left…”

“Hey, slow down, okay?”

I take a breath and another draft of beer, letting the alcohol settle in my stomach. It’s not really taking the edge off, but I’m not sure anything will tonight.

“Talk to him.”

“Is that what he wants?”

“I don’t know. That’s why you have to talk to him. But maybe not tonight, huh?” She finishes her drink and pushes her chair back. “Come on. Let’s get you home. I could do with a bowl of Freja’s chili myself, I haven’t eaten since breakfast. The store was ridiculously busy today.” She smiles at me as she holds out a hand, and I take it as she pulls me up out of my seat. “I can’t wait to have you back, kiddo. I hate working alone.”