Forty One

Forty-One

One Month Later

Joel

I f you love someone, set them free, isn’t that what they say? Yeah, well, let me tell you, that’s fucking bullshit! I loved her, I set her free, and it broke my fucking heart. But, you know, I guess nearly killing her gave her a whole different outlook on things, including me. It changed everything. She survived, and she told me she didn’t blame me, she couldn’t, it was her fault she was there. She knew that. She said that. It was all on her, but it brought it home how dangerous this world can be. So she walked away, left it all behind; this world, and me. She told me she loved me too, but she still walked away. And I let her go. What else could I do?

Do I know where she went? Not exactly. I know she went to look for her friends, the ones we’d kept her away from, and I say she went to look for them, she already knew where they were. She didn’t have an address or anything like that, and she wouldn’t tell me where she was going, which fucking killed me, but the one thing she did tell me was that Lars and Lea weren’t where we thought they were, something we now know was down to Renard. But he’d given her enough information to make sure she had more than a fighting chance of finding them. That’s why she’d been there that day, at the house. The day we ended her father and his henchman. The day I’d almost, accidently, killed her. She’d gone there for his help. He knew exactly where Lars and Lea were, because he’d put them there. He’d spoken to them, convinced them that he could keep them safe, that we couldn’t be trusted. And he’d been using that to draw Ana closer. He wanted to give her a new life, with people she loved, but I loved – love her. I love her so fucking much my heart hurts every fucking day. I miss her. But I’m President now, this club needs me, we’ve been through too much for me to be weak in any way. And to be honest, I need this club to take my mind off her, it gives me something to focus on. But I’m not sure how much longer I can go on before this need to find her wins out. I thought time was supposed to be a great healer, but that’s bullshit, too.

We were in the frame for the hit on the Blackhawks’ clubhouse, and that was only to be expected. But without any actual evidence there wasn’t much the police could do. We’re always one step ahead, and they know that, and they also know that one of their own is helping us to stay that way, but Rik’s very good at covering his tracks. Did we succeed in bringing the entire Blackhawks MC down? No. But that wasn’t our aim, not that time. We just wanted them to pay for what they did to Sofia. To Ana. The war between our clubs goes on, for now, maybe it always will, I don’t know. Right now, we’re just going about our business. Keeping our eyes on our enemies. Making money and living a life most of us weren’t born into, we were drawn to it because we were lost and needed somewhere to belong. That’s why my brothers are fiercely loyal, we need to protect our world. I’d wanted to protect her , and instead I’d almost killed her. I relive that fucking day every night, I close my eyes and see her fall to the floor and I wake up and wish things were different. They’re not. But, man, sometimes shit takes some getting used to. And I’m still getting used to living without her…

Ana

Of course I don’t blame him for what happened. Most of it is still a blur to me, the first I knew of anything was when I woke up in a strange, sterile, white-walled room, pain flooding my body, for a second or two, until a kind nurse with a friendly smile administered more medication.

Joel had been there, when I’d woken up. And we’d talked, because I’d had so many blanks that had needed filling in. And when he told me why they’d been there, at the house: that they’d come to kill my dad, for no reason other than they didn’t trust him, I felt nothing. I’d expected to feel something but all I’d felt was numb. And even when the numbness had gone there’d still been nothing. I hadn’t known him. Emil Renard had been a stranger to me, and deep down I still blamed him for Mama’s death because everything had started with his leaving. That had been the catalyst for all that had followed, and I just couldn’t shake that. I mean, yeah, I’d been willing to use him, to find Lars and Lea, that was the only reason I’d gone there that day. He was going to take me to them, or had he? I’d been having second thoughts, hadn’t I? I’d been about to leave, when I’d got caught in the crossfire. Just like Mama, except, I’d survived.

Things changed after I recovered. They’d started changing the second I woke up, if I’m being honest. Almost succumbing to the same fate as my mama, that had hit hard. It had panicked me, almost. It brought into focus the dangerous world I’d been thrust into, and even though I loved Joel, I couldn’t carry on living that life. It wasn’t me, it never had been. It was never supposed to be. I’d wanted out. And he fought me, because he loved me, I truly believed that he did, but we just came from two very different worlds. And I needed to find my way back to mine, without him. It was better that way.

Finding Lars and Lea, that became my focus. My need. And without my dad to take me to them it meant I had to find them myself, but at least he’d given me enough information for me to be able to do that, pretty easily as it turned out. It wasn’t hard to find the little coffee shop in the small town they’d moved to: the business my father had set them up in, because he’d wanted them to be safe. He’d wanted me to be safe, and despite the fact he meant nothing to me, in the end, I’m kind of glad he did this. He gave me an out. A chance to reconnect with my friends and make a new start with people I trust, love and want to be with. Didn’t I want to be with Joel? Honestly? Yes. Every fiber of my being still aches for him, because I loved him more than I’d wanted to admit, but he wasn’t good for me. And that world, it was too dark. Too full of painful memories.

Lars and Lea welcomed me with open arms, no bombardment of questions just the biggest of hugs, and the second I’d felt their arms around me it was like coming home. I’d felt safe and secure, for the first time in a long time. I was back where I belonged. I was with family, because that’s what Lars and Lea had always been to me. And we had a lot to talk about, sure, but that first night together, we’d cried and remembered Mama, and a past we all had to let go of now. We cried for that, too, I guess. It took a few days before we sat down and really talked, over a dinner that all of three of us had cooked together, like we used to do, back when everything had been ordinary and normal. I’m not sure we can ever go back to that. My world still feels too fragile right now. But at least I have a chance of a safer future, and that’s good. That’s okay, it was what I wanted, wasn’t it? All of this, it was what I wanted…?

“Ana?”

Lea’s voice cuts through my thoughts and I blink a few times to regain my focus, suddenly realizing the cup I’m holding is overflowing with coffee.

“Jesus, I’m sorry,” I say, putting the cup down and wiping my coffee soaked hand with a cloth. “I’ll make a fresh one.”

Lea leans against the counter and crosses her arms, her face a mask of concern. “Are you sure you’re okay, Ana?”

“I’m fine,” I say, probably a little too curtly, because I think I’m trying to convince myself more than anyone else. “I just lost concentration for a second, that’s all.”

“You really didn’t have to start working here so soon. Maybe you should go back to the house and rest.”

“Lea, please, I don’t want to sit on my own all day, it isn’t good for me. I need to be up and about and, more importantly, around people.”

She smiles, but there’s still a look of concern in her eyes. “I get that. I’m just worried about you. What you’ve been through…” She stops talking, unsure of my reaction I’m guessing, but it’s fine. I’m okay. I’m good.

“It’s over now. It’s all in the past.” But somehow, even saying the words out loud aren’t making me believe them. “I’m here, and I just want us all to move on.” I set the fresh cup of coffee on a tray which Lea picks up, ready to take to the customer. “Besides, you two have been through a lot, too. What happened, it affected us all.”

She throws me another smile, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “Yes. It did.”

She heads off to deliver the coffee, and I take a second to catch my breath, looking out of the window onto the busy street. This café is in a perfect location with lots of footfall, surrounded by an array of shops and stores. My dad really knew his stuff when he set Lars and Lea up in business. It’s a small town, but one that gets a lot of tourists all year round, so it’s almost always busy.

“Hey.”

Lars’ voice shakes me out of my thoughts and I look at him. He hasn’t changed a bit, but then, in reality, it’s only been a few months since I last saw him. Tall with dark blond, almost brown hair, and beautiful deep blue eyes he’s handsome and strong and I don’t know why I never really saw that… That’s not true, actually, I do know why. He was always like a brother to me, and that’s how I always saw him. It’s how I still see him now, and I know my mama always wanted the two of us to be together: she thought we’d make a perfect couple, but it was never going to happen. Or, I don’t know, maybe it might have happened, if everything had stayed the same. If our lives hadn’t been ripped apart and then put back together in a new and unfamiliar way. There are so many maybes, but Lars and I… I only have the headspace for one man. A man I should be putting behind me, but I guess I need more time for that to start happening.

“Hey.” I lean back against the counter, but then a customer arrives, and Lars smiles at me and mouths I’ll see to them, and I watch as he takes their order, makes their coffee as they chat, they seem to know each other.

“Another regular?” I ask, and he nods.

“We’ve gained quite a few since we opened up, and considering we haven’t been here that long… We’re just happy people like this place.”

“It’s nice. It’s the kind of place I’d come to.” And it is nice. It’s small enough to be cozy but big enough to seat quite a few people inside, and more out on the small but pretty pavement terrace.

There’s a few seconds of silence, which is broken by the arrival of more customers popping in to grab a coffee on their way home from work or a day out shopping, and I’m almost relieved, to be honest. There’s a part of me that’s finding it hard to keep up a conversation with the two people I love more than anything. And I do, love them. I do. And I’m right where I wanted to be now, but, I’m not feeling as comfortable as I thought I would. I did, in the beginning, but as the weeks draw on I still feel as if I’m nothing more than a visiting guest. That warm, welcoming feeling I got when I first arrived here, it’s shifting. Waning. Changing. And that might just be me overthinking everything, but I don’t think I am.

“As you’re probably gathering, now you’ve been here a little while, it always gets a bit busy at this time,” Lars says as he wipes down the countertop. “Thankfully it’s almost time to close up.”

I smile and nod and wonder why I’m finding it so difficult to keep a conversation going with people I consider to be family. It never used to be like this. But then, our livesnever used to be like this.

An hour and a half later we’ve closed up and driven the short distance home to the neat little two-storey house that Lars and Lea now live in. And although they haven’t said as much, and I haven’t asked, I’m betting my father bought them this, too. All because he knew I would finally relent and ask him to take me to them? Well, he was right, wasn’t he? That was exactly what happened.

Everyone’s too tired to cook tonight so we order in and open a bottle of wine. We watch some TV while we eat dinner, but it’s obvious by the atmosphere hanging in the air that we all have a lot more talking to do. There’s still so much left unsaid.

“My dad, did he tell you what he was doing…? Did he tell you it was because he hoped, when I heard about it, that I’d want to join you? Did he explain everything to you?”

Lea lays down her fork and puts her almost empty plate down on the coffee table, crossing her legs up underneath her. “More or less. He said you weren’t safe, where you were. He said he wanted you to be safe, after everything that had happened–”

“He said this biker gang were holding you against your will,” Lars interrupts, and Lea shoots him a look.

“He didn’t say those exact words, Lars.”

“As good as.”

“They weren’t,” I start, “holding me against my will, I mean… Okay, in the beginning it was kind of like that, but things changed. I changed.” I drop my head and push my food around my plate. “It wasn’t all bad.”

“Ana, your mama was murdered in their clubhouse,” Lea says, and I look at her, because she’s right.

“But they didn’t kill her. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and if she hadn’t come looking for me…” I stop talking and take a breath. It doesn’t matter how many times I go over this; how many times I talk about it, it never gets easier. The guilt doesn’t ease. It never will.

“It wasn’t your fault, Ana.” Lars’ voice is kind, but I know they don’t understand why I’m not full of hate for people who, in their eyes, kept me prisoner.

I drop my head again, and take another second. “Who was it that told you to go?” I look up, glancing from Lars to Lea. “When it all happened. Did someone just come to your door? Tell you to leave…?”

“Pretty much,” Lars sighs, refilling his glass with more wine. “We were at the store. It was just another day in our eyes, although, we were wondering where you were. We tried calling you but your phone was switched off, and then, around mid-morning, this man came into the shop. Said he was from the police, and that we had to leave town. It was so weird, and neither Lea or I believed him, at first. It just felt so random. But then he explained that Sofia… He told us what had happened. He told us you’d been there, but that you were safe. He told us we couldn’t tell anyone what he was telling us. He said you were more than likely going to come to us, and if you did that, none of us would be safe. He told us it would be better if we left the country, went to stay with our parents in Belgium but I told him we couldn’t do that. They were traveling through Asia, and anyway, if we did suddenly turn up on their doorstep they’d know something was up. And you know our parents, they like to ask questions. So, he left it at that, left the store, and we didn’t know what to do. It was scary and strange and we tried and tried to get in touch with you but all your social media was gone…” Lars drops his head, his shoulders tense as he takes a deep breath. “About two hours later the same man returned, and that’s when he told us we needed to go. We needed to leave, straightaway, we couldn’t even go home first. He gave us an address to go to, in a town we’d never been to before, and I argued with him, a lot, I mean, I was throwing questions at him…” Lars stops, takes another deep breath, and I don’t miss the look that passes between him and Lea.

“I’m so sorry,” I whisper, and I am sorry. I’m so, so sorry. What happened didn’t just alter my life, it also turned my two best friends’ lives upside down.

“I was scared,” Lea says, her hands balling up into fists and I shift uncomfortably in my chair. “I didn’t know what was going on, I just knew that I wasscared.” She shrugs. “So we went. We left, because I was terrified of what might happen to us if we stayed. We had to close the store, leave our home, all because of…” She breathes in, looks at Lars, and he shakes his head. And I shift again. “We were allowed to come to the funeral, but we couldn’t see you. Couldn’t talk to you. We don’t even know if you were there…”

“I was there.”

“You were?” Lea’s eyes widen, and I nod.

“I wasn’t in a good place, back then.”

Lars and Lea exchange another look, and I feel my stomach sink.

“We lost everything,” Lea whispers, and I can see she’s close to crying. And it breaks my heart. “And if it hadn’t been for your dad…”

“He’ll never be my dad.”

Lea frowns. “He did a lot for us.”

I can’t argue with that. But they don’t know who he really is. Was. “He left me and Mama,” I say. “And you know what that did to us.” Now they do, because I’ve told them. But back then they didn’t know much at all. None of us did. “He left us alone.”

“I know, but, people can change, Ana. Don’t you think?”

I don’t respond. And I’m not going to tell them what happened to my father, I’m absolutely certain the Vikings don’t want that information getting out. I’m sure they’ve dealt with the aftermath.

“Did you speak to him, before you came here?” Lars asks, and I’m already done with this conversation.

“Briefly,” I lie, and all of a sudden I just want to escape to my room. Be alone. “He’s away on business now, though.” The lie continues, because it has to. “But, to be honest, I don’t think we were ever going to repair a relationship that was already so broken. He told me about you guys, and for that I’m grateful, but I don’t need him in my life.”

“Okay. I understand,” Lea says quietly.

“Yeah. We get it,” Lars says, throwing me a reassuring smile. But I think I already know what’s happening here. We all vowed to put the past behind us, but at the same time we can’t help remembering how it used to be. How we used to be. And in amongst all of that there’s regret and pain and shreds of animosity floating around that I don’t blame them for feeling, but it means we can’t really move forward. Not in the way we thought we could. And me coming here, in hindsight I think it was the wrong thing to do. I’ve caused my two closest friends to rekindle a painful time in their life that leads back to me, and I never meant to do that.

“I’m really tired. I’m going to have an early night, if that’s okay with you guys?”

They both nod, and I can almost feel the relief oozing out of both of them. Relief that I’m leaving them alone; that they don’t have to endure these conversations any longer. And that realization hits me like a sledgehammer.

Once inside my room, I sit down on the bed and take a minute. Coming here was a mistake, and I can see why my dad thought it would be a good idea. Why he thought I would be safer here. This town is beautiful, almost picture-perfect, it seems like it would be a lovely place to live. Lars and Lea have started to build a great life here, but I don’t fit into it, in any way, even though they’ve tried so hard to make me feel a part of it. We all thought, when I first turned up, that it was going to be like old times, but we were all so wrong about that. We tried, we did, but I’ve felt like things have been strained for a while now, ever since the initial excitement of my arrival wore off and reality set in. This is their world. Their life. And once again it’s a world I don’t belong in.

“Ana?” Lea taps on my door, and I tell her to come in. She pokes her head inside and smiles at me. “Lars and I are popping out for a quick drink. One of our friends has just called and asked if we wanted to join them, do you want to come?”

She’s asking out of politeness. Deep down I think she’s hoping I say no, and I am going to say no, of course I am. I shake my head and smile. “No, thank you. I’m going to go to bed and read. I’m really tired.”

“You sure?” she asks, again, out of politeness.

“I’m sure. Go on, I’ll be fine.”

“We shouldn’t be too late, but if you need us…”

“I’ll be fine, Lea. Go. Go on.”

“Okay. We’ll see you later.”

She closes the door and for a few moments I just stare at it, and try to process what it is that’s happening here. What I’m doing. Am I ever going to find that place where I truly feel like I belong? I’d thought it was here, with my friends, and they’re still my friends, but our lives are so different now. Too different.

I wait until I hear the front door close downstairs before I grab my suitcase from under the bed and start packing. I didn’t bring much, because I didn’t have all that much, so it doesn’t take long. And once that’s done I haul it downstairs and pull out my phone. It’s time to get out of here…