38. Edu

38

EDU

I sat in the darkness of my house, staring at a jacket Harper had left behind sometime over the last few months. When I walked through the door, I saw it hanging on the hook and tore it off. Now, it was laying across the arm of a chair, taunting me, reminding me that no matter what happened, she would always be in my life.

Because she was pregnant with my child.

Fucking hell, how had I let that happen? I lifted the half-empty glass of whiskey to my lips and downed the contents. I wasn't much for drinking, not after what my father put me through. I still indulged, but I was always careful not to get out of control. Well, now that Harper was gone, did it really fucking matter?

Leaning forward, I grabbed the bottle and poured myself another drink. Just as I was tossing it back, the front door opened. I stupidly thought it might be Harper and got to my feet. But as Lock walked inside, something inside me died just a little.

"Come to yell at me?" I asked, grabbing the bottle from the table. I abandoned the pretense that I was only going to have a glass and instead, drank right from the bottle.

"I see you wasted no time getting drunk off your ass."

"Well, when someone screws you over?— "

"She didn't screw you over," he snapped. "You didn't even give her a chance to talk."

"And say what?" I chuckled. "That she's really sorry. That she didn't mean for this to happen?" I took a swig of whiskey. "And then she'd expect me to welcome her into my home and take care of her and that bastard for the rest of her life."

"That bastard," Lock bit out, "is your kid."

"You don't know that."

"Like she would spread her legs for anyone else but you," he retorted.

I thought of making love to her , as she called it. Was it all a lie? Could she have been with someone else? My head was telling me that anything was possible. But my heart…that fucker was aching for her. I rubbed my chest, wishing she was still here. I wanted to look at her one last time, to hold her and remember what it felt like to have a woman so willingly hand herself over to me.

But that shit was in the past.

I stumbled over to the chair and slumped back down into it. "You never know."

"I know," he said sharply. "I could see it in her eyes whenever she was with you. She fucking loved you. And you love her. I'm not sure what the fuck you were thinking tonight."

You're not fucking good enough for her. You'll only get her killed.

"I don't know what the fuck I was thinking when I allowed her to call me her fiancé."

"Edu, that doesn't matter now. What are you going to do about your current situation?"

"Absolutely nothing."

"You're going to walk away? You're going to abandon your pregnant girlfriend and your baby?"

I laughed out loud at the girlfriend part. "She was never my girlfriend."

"Bullshit! You fucking know she was. Hell, everyone at the company knows what she means to you. The only fucking person here who can't see it is you."

Oh, I saw it alright. I saw her every fucking night in my dreams. I saw her walking down the street and every time I went into the grocery store, whether she was working or not. She was fucking everywhere, and I wasn't fucking sure how I was going to live in the same town as her and not beg her to come back to me.

"Edu, you're screwing everything up. You need to go to her now."

I was so fucking tired of everyone telling me what to do. "After everything I told you, you still think I'm the best man for her?"

"You would be if you crawled out of your ass and actually opened yourself up to her. I bet she doesn't even fucking know about why you don't want a kid."

"And why would I tell her that? So she can live inside my head? Maybe I should tell her about beating the shit out of my father until he collapsed on the floor. Do you think that would help?"

"It might help you."

"Right," I laughed. "Because everyone can be redeemed, right?"

He walked over to me and hauled me up by my shirt, then tossed me across the room. I crashed into a chair, shoving it back a few feet as I tumbled around on the floor. Somewhere around here was my bottle, but fuck if I knew where.

"You're a fucking pussy," he spat in my face. "Your girlfriend is probably scared out of her mind, knowing that you never wanted a baby. Yet, she stood there and took everything you threw at her. She didn't make excuses or plead with you. She fucking took your abuse."

"And you think that makes her fucking special?" I shouted. I stumbled to my feet, getting in his face. "Do you think I want her to take me yelling at her? Doesn't that tell you how fucked up she is?"

"No, that tells me how strong she is," he spat. "Christ, Edu. You're screwing up left and right, and if you don't go to her and fix this, you're gonna regret it for the rest of your life. Do you really think you can live in this town with her raising your kid? What about the rest of us? Are we going to pretend she doesn't exist? Or maybe you're going to let her brother raise your kid," he scoffed. "Yeah, that really fucking sounds better."

"Better than me!" I shouted. "Don't you get it? That's why I didn't want kids. I know she's better off without me! It fucking kills me to look at her, to know that she's carrying my kid. It should have been anyone else."

"But it wasn't. She only wanted you," he argued. "She fell in love with you! God fucking knows why, but it was you she wanted."

"It should have been someone else," I muttered. "Fuck, I'll only ruin her life."

"Yeah, you will if you keep acting like this."

My head hung in defeat as I closed my eyes and remembered the tears on her face last night. She fucking gutted me with those tears. Only last night, those tears weren't because of me. But tonight they were. I put them on her face, and I broke her fucking heart—just like everyone knew I would.

"Do you remember when you were injured?" he asked. "How you told me you loved her?" I nodded. "That man who confessed his love for her would never have done what you did tonight. Sober up and think about everything you just threw away."

I fell to my knees as the door slammed shut. Dropping my head in my hands, I prayed for answers. Was I strong enough to fight the demons in my head? Was I a good enough man to be who she needed?

Would she ever want me back after the things I said to her?

I woke up on the floor with saliva pooling from my lips. The light pierced my eyes, giving my headache legs that moved throughout my skull. The bottle of alcohol that I'd dropped last night had rolled under the table and had dripped onto the carpet, leaving a large stain. I swiped at my face, grimacing at the amount of liquid dried to my skin.

Sitting up was a chore that I almost gave up on. Fuck, I had gotten way too drunk last night. Then again, every night over the last two weeks was nothing but a blur of drinking and someone else coming over to chew my ass out. And when I woke up in the morning, I was filled with regret and shame.

I really fucking needed to see her. There was nothing I wanted more than to hold her in my arms again and confess my deepest, darkest secrets—that I was in love with her, but I was terrified of hurting her.

Every fucking second of every day dug a hole in my gut, gnawing at me to give in to what I really wanted. But how could I do that? I knew what I was capable of. My hands were covered in blood, and I knew a part of my old man lived deep down in my soul. I would never be free of him.

After dragging my ass off the ground, I took a long shower, resting my head against the shower wall in the hopes of washing away my misery. It wasn't fucking working. As much as I hated to admit it, I fucking missed Harper. I wanted to hold her in my arms at night and feel the beat of her heart against mine. I missed her far-off looks as she got stuck in some daydream. But most of all, I missed those gorgeous eyes staring at me. It was like she could see inside my soul, but instead of looking at me with disgust, I was her hero.

Until I trashed it all and threw her away.

Fuck, I was such an idiot. I spent the past two weeks wallowing in misery because I didn't know how to talk to her. I wasn't sure I was the best man for her, or that I could be the father that kid needed. Every time I thought of going to her, I talked myself out of it, telling myself she was better off alone.

But then I thought of her working in that grocery store, fucking working her ass off to take care of my kid. And what would happen when she had the baby? How would she support herself? What I really needed to do was offer her some money. It wouldn't make up for my foolish actions, but it would at least provide her with some stability.

And I would get to see her.

Decision made, I got out of the shower and for the first time in two weeks, I got dressed. I grimaced at my reflection in the mirror. All the drinking and lounging around for two straight weeks had made me soft. I would have to change that right away. The last thing my teammates needed was a guy with a beer belly chasing behind them, trying to keep up as we fought the baddies.

I got dressed quickly, paying extra attention to how I looked. It wasn't like I was trying to win her back, but it wouldn't hurt to look my best. I ignored Lock flagging me down as I got in my truck, and I didn't bother checking in at work. Hell, at this point, I wasn't even sure I had a job. But they hadn't kicked me off the property yet. That had to be a good sign.

Nerves hit me hard as I drove away from OPS. I didn't know exactly what I would say. I didn't want to lead her on and make her think I was coming back. But I also wanted to leave myself a little wiggle room in case I pulled my shit together enough to actually be part of her life.

" I have money for you. " I shook my head. "Too blunt. Okay, sound suave and cool. Um… Harper, I know you're capable of doing this on your own, but I want to give you money for the baby. "

I repeated it in my head, nodding to myself. "It's simple and to the point, but doesn't make it sound like she can't take care of herself. That'll work."

I blew out a harsh breath as I pulled up to the curb of her house. She was in there, waiting for me for two fucking weeks to show up and say something to her. Two fucking weeks of her wondering if I was going to man up. The poor girl had been going through some hard shit without me, and I hated myself for not realizing that sooner.

I got out and slammed the door, repeating the brilliant phrase in my head.

Harper, I know you're capable of doing this on your own, but I want to give you money for the baby.

By the time I got to her door, I was confident this was the right way to go. It didn't tie me to her in any way and gave me the opportunity to do more if I ever manned up enough and got my shit together. Not that she would want someone like me, but maybe in time, she would forgive me for my stupidity.

I pulled myself together and knocked at the door. Suddenly, I was fucking nervous. The pep talk was slipping away faster than ice cream on a hot day. She was going to spit in my face and tell me what a useless bastard I was. And it was true. Fuck, I shouldn't have come. Maybe I should have just sent a check.

But before I could walk away, the door opened. My heart stood still until I saw Oliver standing there, and by the look on his face, I was the last person in the world he wanted to see. He leaned against the door, bracing his other arm against the doorjamb, making it clear that I was not welcome inside.

"I need to see Harper."

I wasn't sure where the steadiness of my voice came from or how I managed to not flee with my tail between my legs. But I stood there, toe to toe with her brother and vowed to myself I wouldn't walk away until I spoke to her.

"I need to see Harper," I repeated.

He huffed out a laugh. "Now you need to see Harper? Two fucking weeks have passed and you just decided to come over."

The harsh tone in his voice was the punch to the gut I needed. I knew I'd fucked up. I'd warred with myself day and night over the idiotic things I'd said to her. Primarily, accusing her of getting pregnant by another man. That was the real low point. But even if I was the most hated man in the town, I still needed to find a way to mend things with Harper.

"Look, I know I fucked up. You can yell at me all you want, but right now, I need to see her."

A sardonic smile tilted his lips as he shook his head. " You need to see her. Man, she hasn't tried to contact you once. Take a hint."

"She's pregnant with my kid," I bit out. "I have a right to talk to her."

"Oh, now she's pregnant with your kid," he laughed. "Amazing how that works. Now that you miss her, it's your kid. But before, when she was desperate to talk to you and make something work, the kid couldn't possibly be yours."

"I—"

"Accusing my sister of being a whore when all she ever did was love you—that's a new low. What exactly do you think you can ever say to her to make this right?"

I swallowed hard, feeling the weight of his accusations deep in my gut. "You're right. There's nothing I can say to her that would…do anything. It was unforgivable."

"Then you can get off my fucking property."

He tried to slam the door, but I blocked it, refusing to give in just yet. I came here to talk to her and I wasn't leaving until I had. "Just because I fucked up big time doesn't mean I can't talk to her."

"In my book, it does."

He tried once again to shut the door, but I shoved it open. "Oliver, I really need to talk to her. I won't do anything more to hurt her. I just want to—to offer her some money. She shouldn't have to do this alone."

He nodded at me, his lips pulled in a tight line. "And you think offering her money will make everything better."

"It's better than nothing."

"No, what would be better is if the man who knocked her up actually cared enough to help her. You know, be a father. Instead, your kid is gonna grow up with a single mother. How do you think that'll feel for him? Imagine him on a baseball field and the coach asks where his father is. How do you think that'll make him feel?"

I hadn't considered that. But that was beside the point right now. "If I can't talk to her, I can't fucking fix it, can I?"

"Oh, have you suddenly changed your mind? Are you going to stick around and be the husband and father they need?"

I wanted to. I desperately wanted to, but everything inside me screamed that I would be ruining their lives.

"That's what I thought."

He tried for a third time to shut the door. "Listen. One time. I just need one time with her. And if she doesn't want to see me, I'll throw myself out."

"Too bad. You can't. She's not here."

My shoulders slumped. "I should have realized she would be at work. What time does she get off?"

"Don't know. She doesn't live here anymore."

My shoulders tensed at his words, and I could feel the tension slipping through every muscle, worming its way into the deepest parts of my body until I couldn't even fucking move.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, she moved out the night you called her a whore. She's gone. Packed a bag and stormed out of here. Took my car too. "

I swallowed hard, shaking my head at the image of her behind the wheel. "But, she hates to drive."

"I guess she would have done anything to get away from you."

Anything to get away from you . That was how much she hated me. I had a woman who absolutely adored me, and in one night, I blew it all to hell because of my own issues. I didn't even try to look past them and listen to what she was saying. I accused her of everything in the book and then some. When in reality, it was just as much my fault as hers. She didn't get pregnant on her own. I should have been wearing a condom, but I liked the feel of her pussy around my cock too much.

And then she'd been in the accident. Hell, any of the medicine she was taking could have interfered with her birth control. But I didn't stop to think about that. All I wanted was more of her. I wanted her with a desperation I felt clawing at my skin. Why had I not seen it sooner? Why had I refused to open my eyes as to what she meant to me?

I ignored all the warning signs and now she was gone because I was an asshole. And as I stood here, wondering where she could be and if she was okay, another feeling filled me up. Love. I was fucking in love with her. I never wanted to admit it. I was too wrapped up in my own fucked up issues to really recognize the feelings rushing through me. And I might have continued to ignore them if I hadn't shown up on the doorstep today. I might have buried them deep in my gut and refused to acknowledge them. But I had now, and I knew there was no going back.

I couldn't live without her. Hell, the past two weeks had been one drunken night after another where all I saw was her walking out on me. She didn't even put up a fight when she left, and now I realized why. Because I was a foregone conclusion. She knew I would have that reaction, so she steeled herself to the fact that I wouldn't want her. And then she walked out of there with her head held high.

God, I was such an asshole. She was pregnant with my kid.

My kid.

What if something happened to her and I couldn't get to her in time? Was anyone there to help her out? What if she was overdoing it? What if the accident made the whole pregnancy harder or more dangerous? Fuck, why had I not thought of any of that when my brain went on the fritz?

She was out there all alone, and it was all my fault.

My eyes flicked to his. "You have to tell me where she is."

"I don't know. She said she wanted to do this on her own, to prove that she wasn't what our mother thought of her."

My brows furrowed in confusion. "What?"

"No, I'm not doing this with you. If you want the story, you'll have to get it out of her lips. Just know that you made her feel about as worthless as she's always felt she was. And that's something I can't and won't forgive. You fucked with my family, and I hope now you feel that same helplessness that she was feeling when she walked out of here that night. I hope you stay awake at night going out of your fucking mind because you know you screwed up, and you have no way to fix it."

"I'll find her," I growled.

It didn't matter that everything he was saying was true. I wouldn't allow her to disappear from my life. I was in security. This was what I did for a living, and I wouldn't rest until I hunted her down and brought her back where she belonged.

"Good luck with that," Oliver snickered. "And if you do find her, just remember I can and will murder you if you hurt her again."

I took his words for exactly what they were. A vow. And I believed him one hundred percent. I'd fucked with his family, and there was no way he'd let that slide a second time.

I would find her and bring her home, and when I did, I would never let her out of my sight again. I was not my father, and the only way to prove that was by showing up every day and being the best damn person I could be for both of them.