36. Edu

36

EDU

"We were able to take down the rest of the cartel," Cash announced, "and I was able to secure a meeting with Senator Kavanaugh." His gaze flicked to the younger Kavanaugh, but it wasn't a happy one. "The Senator, being the upstanding man that he is, agreed to help us…on one condition."

Kavanaugh glanced around the room, chuckling at the situation. "Let me guess, the price is me."

Cash nodded. "Since this avenue is closed, we'll move on to?—"

"I'll do it," Kavanaugh stated, sitting upright.

That surprised the hell out of all of us.

"No," Cash shook his head. "I appreciate the offer, but this is not what I had in mind when I went to your father. I was hoping he would help out of the goodness of his heart."

Kavanaugh laughed at that. "I could have told you that was a worthless effort. He doesn't have a heart. But if you want answers, this is how we get them."

"No," Cash said firmly. "I won't compromise?—"

"It's not your choice to make. It's just another job, right?" Kavanaugh shrugged. "So, let's get it done and get the information we need. "

Cash gave a reluctant nod. "Thank you."

"It's what we do for each other."

It's what we do for each other.

Those words rang in my head as the meeting progressed. We did a lot of shit for each other. In fact, I would say I'd give my life for any one of these guys, so why was it so fucking hard with Harper?

Last night, she wanted a piece of me that I wasn't willing to give, and it felt wrong, and so fucking right, all at the same time. I saw the tears in her eyes— like she was upset that I wasn't willingly handing over this piece of myself to her. And it fucking gutted me to know that I was hurting her so badly. She wanted more of me, and I didn't know how to do that.

I was reaching the point in our relationship that I had to make a decision. I knew what I had to offer wasn't enough. It would never fucking be enough. So I had to either walk away or give her something bigger. But what that was, I didn't know.

The ring.

Fucking hell. Was I ready for something like that? Could I really put that ring on her finger and mean it? What if I fucked it all up? What if I promised to be with her, and then the minute things got hard, I screwed it all up?

What if I turned out like him?

"You're just fucking like me," he taunted. "You always will be."

"I'm nothing like you. I could never do what you do and live with myself."

My old man smirked at me, his lips snarling in a twisted, fucked up look that scared the shit out of me. This man was capable of so much, and he didn't even care when he hurt anyone. That much was clear by what he did to me on a daily basis. But now…

"Do you think this is the way I always was?" He tossed his head back and laughed. "I used to be like you. I used to think I would never raise my hand to a woman or my kid. Well, guess what? Your mother kept pushing and pushing. She just couldn't keep her fucking mouth shut. She knew one day she would push me too far. She made me the fucking monster I am today!"

I backed away from him, picking up my backpack. "I'll never fucking be like you. I won't give myself the opportunity."

I sucked in a ragged breath, only realizing the room had cleared out when I saw Lock staring at me from his seat. Fuck, he saw too much. I didn't have to say a word. He already knew the shit that was running through my head.

"Don't do it," he warned.

"I have to."

"No, you fucking don't," he snapped, getting to his feet. "You could have the life you want."

"I have the life I want."

"No, you have the life you think you deserve."

I opened my mouth to argue, but he was right. I was deliberately holding back from having more with Harper. And it was for good reason.

"Lock, you have no idea what I'm capable of."

"Yes, I do. I fucking work with you."

"I'll only hurt her," I said, clenching my fist tight as I pushed to my feet. "My old man?—"

"You're not your old man."

"He's in me!" I said, spinning around to face Lock. "What he did—I have that in me!"

"You do not. You could never take a life like he did."

I leaned back and laughed at the absurdity of it all. "I already did."

He stilled at my words, shaking his head slightly. "No, I know you."

"You think you know me. You think I don't have the ability to kill someone the way he did."

For the first time, I saw doubt in Lock's eyes. He wasn't entirely sure he was right. Because he wasn't.

"The night he killed my mom, I fucking bashed in his head."

Lock's eyes flicked to the doorway. I already knew nobody was there. He wasn't concerned about me losing my shit on anyone and he wasn't afraid of me. He was worried someone might hear me confess my deepest, darkest secrets.

"I walked in on him leaning over my mother after he stabbed her death, and I lost my shit. I didn't even care. I grabbed the closest thing and I bashed in his head. I watched as blood pooled on the ground, and then…and then I realized what I'd done. And do you know what I did next?"

"Edu—"

"I wiped my prints and ran from the house. I fucking ran."

"You were protecting?—"

"No one," I cut in. "She was already dead. There was no one to protect. It wasn't about her or anyone else. I was just tired of his shit. I didn't want to be hit anymore, and I didn't want to let him live to do it to someone else. So, I fucking took him out."

"You were a kid."

I scoffed at his attempt at letting me off the hook. "I had already enlisted in the military, Lock. I was old enough to know better."

He sighed, hanging his head. He wanted to excuse away what I had done, but the truth was, there was nothing anyone could say that would make me feel like I hadn't lost a piece of myself that day and become more like my father.

"I can't do it."

"Don't go there."

"I can't," I shook my head. "She deserves better."

"There is no one better!" he shouted, storming over to me. He grabbed me around the neck and forced me to look at him. "She deserves you. All of you. The past doesn't fucking matter. I know the man in here," he said, stabbing his finger into my chest. "The man in here loves her and he would do anything to protect her. If you walk away, that man will die a little, and you'll fucking regret it for the rest of your life."

He stepped back, releasing me from his grasp. "Just think about it. Please."

I nodded, breathing hard as I stared at the ground.

"You're not your old man. Not even fucking close."

By the end of the day, I still hadn't decided on a single fucking thing. I went back and forth, trying desperately to figure out what to do. I didn't want to let her go, but I didn't know if I could be the man she needed.

And I wasn't sure I was willing to take the chance that I could hurt her someday. I'd put a fucking bullet in my head if that ever happened. But I did need to talk to her. Even if I didn't decide right away what I would say, I needed to get it over with. I'd flip a coin and fucking decide when the time came.

So, when she called and asked if we could talk, I knew there was no delaying the inevitable. I drove over to pick her up, wanting to be as far away from her brother as possible. I had a feeling this wouldn't go well and the last thing I needed was her brother getting involved in any way.

She met me outside, rushing out to the truck and hopping inside. "Hey, you mind if we go to your place?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "That's probably for the best."

My heart pounded in my chest the whole short ride back to OPS. I wanted to act normal, but I was too fucking terrified about what was going to happen. I just wanted to get this over with. Rip off the bandaid and bleed at the surface. It would stop soon enough, and no one would see the deep bruising inside.

Except, my plans were delayed when Rae waved me down just as we were headed to the back of the property. I rolled down the window, shooting her an irritated look. "What?"

"Come on, we're grilling out."

"Actually, we're busy."

She ignored me and walked around the front of the truck to Harper's side, yanking the door open. "Fucking doesn't count as busy," she said, tugging Harper from the truck.

"Hey, I?—"

But my words were lost as Rae practically dragged Harper over to the bar.

"Fucking hell," I muttered, parking the truck.

I got out and headed over to her, grabbing my own beer as others from the property started to gather. How had I not known they were doing this tonight? Probably because I was stuck too far up my own ass to pay attention to anything else that was going on .

Harper held a drink in her hand, but wasn't touching it. She looked uncomfortable as hell, and I knew she was in the same position I was. She wanted to get out of here and figure out what the hell was going on between us. Only then would we be able to relax.

"You've gotta see this," Fox said, tugging on my arm.

"What?" My eyes flicked back to Harper, but Fox kept bugging the shit out of me.

"Wren! She's fucking amazing with knives, and with only like two lessons."

"That's great," I muttered.

"Dude, it's like you don't even care," he huffed.

I tore my gaze from Harper and followed Fox over to a section he'd designated as his training area. Wren stood with a set of knives, studying the distance from her to the tree. She flung the first one and it bounced off the tree, falling to the ground.

"Okay, well, that one needs a little work," Fox muttered. "But watch this one," he said, slapping me happily.

"Would you stop fucking hitting me? I'm standing right here."

"But you're not watching. You keep looking at Harper. Are you afraid she's going to disappear right before your eyes?"

He had no fucking clue.

Wren yanked her arm back and threw again, only the knife slipped from her grasp and flew backward. I ducked just in time, scowling at Fox.

"Fucking amazing, huh?"

"Okay, granted, she needs a little more work?—"

Shaking my head, I stalked back to Harper. At least Fox hadn't gotten his hands on her yet. I didn't have to worry about him teaching her anything about throwing knives or shooting people. And as far as I knew, he hadn't yet talked up his whole torture room to her.

"Girl, come on. I'm already done with my margarita and you haven't even touched yours. Are you pregnant or something?" Rae asked.

I stopped walking, my heart skipping a beat as Harper's gaze flicked to mine. Her cheeks flushed red, and in that instant, as our eyes locked, I fucking knew .

Make love to me.

My heart hammered in my chest.

Every look. Every touch. It was laced with goodbye. She was fucking leaving me. But why?

Because she's fucking pregnant, asshole. She's leaving because you said you didn't want this. You fucking told her you would never marry her.

And she knows.

I shook my head slightly, feeling an overwhelming need to bend over and stick my head between my legs. Everything swayed around me, but she…her face was firmly in front of me, the one steady thing in this whole fucking world.

And if you stay with her, you'll end up hurting her.

No, I wouldn't. I would fucking protect her.

That's what your old man said, too. Look how that turned out. He fucking murdered your mom, and what did you do? She's not safe with you and neither is your kid. You'll only end up hurting them.

Would that really happen?

You fucking told her this would never be more. And now she's fucking pregnant. She did it on purpose. She manipulated you because she knew you would never commit.

"Edu…"

"Is it true?" I croaked out.

She swallowed hard. But there were no tears. She wasn't fucking upset she was pregnant. She was fucking happy. Nervous about telling me, but she wanted this.

"Yes."

My gaze flicked to her belly, then back to her eyes. My jaw clenched as I looked at the drink in her hand. "How long have you known?"

"A few days."

I nodded. "And this is your way of fucking telling me?" She opened her mouth, but I didn't let her talk. She had fucking days to do that. "Very dramatic, but then that fits you to a tee."

"What?"

"Standing here with a fucking drink in your hand, but not actually taking a sip. You wanted everyone around you to fucking guess. Is that it? "

"No, I?—"

"You couldn't even tell me in private? You had to let it all play out perfectly in front of everyone else."

Her face flushed red as she glanced around. Everyone had stopped everything they were doing. They were all here to watch the show she had so carefully crafted. It all made sense now. Last night, she was drawing me in, laying down the groundwork to look like the sad, pathetic girlfriend who got knocked up. Today, she was playing it up for the crowd.

"You could have fucking told me last night."

"I…I didn't know how."

I huffed out a laugh. "It's fucking simple. You say, Edu, I'm knocked up. Four simple words, but you couldn't even do that."

"I didn't?—"

"I fucking told you I wasn't doing this with you!" I shouted, losing my cool. "I fucking told you I didn't want kids or marriage. How fucking hard is that to understand?"

Tears filled her eyes. Fake fucking tears that she probably had sitting on the back burner if things didn't go her way. "Edu, it wasn't like that."

"Wasn't it? Isn't this exactly what you dreamed of in that fucking grocery store? You were off in La La Land, dreaming of snagging someone to take care of you—to marry you. And the whole fucking time, every single fucking time I told you I didn't want more, you played it off like you were totally cool with it. And then just when you know I'm gonna end it, you find a way to get pregnant. Is that baby even mine?"

Someone sucked in a harsh breath. Maybe it was her. Maybe it was someone else. I didn't fucking know. All I knew was that I had been played. She knew I didn't want a kid, and she found a way to make it happen.

"You're on birth control," I snapped. "So either you fucking suck at remembering something as simple as taking your fucking pills, or that kid isn't mine. So, which is it?"

Tears threatened to spill down her face. She ducked her head in embarrassment, which she should, and then straightened her shoulders and looked up at me.

"Goodbye, Edu."

She set down the glass and carefully wove her way through the crowd of spectators until she vanished from my sight. That was it? She wasn't going to fight her corner? She was just leaving?

I shook my head and walked over to her drink, picking it up and swallowing it all. Slamming it down, I turned around and found everyone at OPS staring at me.

Lock shook his head and walked away. Brock and Scottie gave me disapproving looks, but it was Fox who walked over to me. "You're a fucking dick, and you don't deserve her."