22. Sophie

CHAPTER 22

SOPHIE

" T hank you for coming with me today," Sophie said, pulling out of her mom's embrace.

"Of course. Let me know if you need anything else, okay?"

"Sure, Mom. I'll see you later." Sophie smiled. "Oh wait, don't forget this." She handed her mother a picture of the ultrasound.

Her mother thanked her, holding the photo to her chest as the elevator doors closed.

Sophie walked back to the kitchen where they had left all of the shopping bags. Most of the things they had bought today were for the baby's nursery — a rug, some hanging decorations, onesies, and an amazing handmade mobile that was Sophie's favorite purchase for the baby yet. It was wooden with hanging ivy and tiny stuffed animal figures — bunnies, foxes, and bears. It would go perfectly with the woodland theme.

After taking the bags to the nursery, she came back for the two she couldn't carry the first trip. The baby-blue box her mother had brought sat on the island. Sophie already knew what was in it but she wasn't sure she wanted to see it again.

But things had been going well and she had had such a good day… Maybe it wouldn't bother her as much as she thought it would.

Carefully, Sophie lifted the lid off the box.

A scrapbook she had made when she was in college lay inside. A scrapbook of her dream wedding, her dream family.

It was crammed full of every idea and dream she ever had. Her dream outdoor venue, the bouquet with white chrysanthemums and blue hydrangeas, and the dance floor lit up by moonlight, candles and fairy lights.

Sophie flipped to the second half of the book. She had drawn an image of her husband, three kids, and their dog named Arlo. She'd written down all her ideas about how she would savor each year with her children, like writing them a letter every year on their birthday until they went to college, measuring their heights on their doorframe, and photos of the first day of each grade.

A tear fell onto the book; she hadn't even realized she was crying.

Sophie slammed the book shut, unable to stand looking at it any longer. Blankly, she looked up at the pristine kitchen. Her mood was completely ruined.

She leaned on the island, resting her head in her hands. She would never have that life.

Was half her dream life worth risking all of it? She supposed it was better than nothing.

But why couldn't she have it all? Why couldn't she have a regular marriage? Sure, she and Noah had made this arrangement based on mutual benefits. But they got along, didn't they? They had real chemistry, and a very real baby on the way. Clearly Noah was attracted to her, so what was the problem?

Sophie understood that he wanted the promotion and that work was important to him, but surely that couldn't be all he wanted, right?

Didn't he want a wife to sleep next to at night? Didn't he want a partner to laugh and grow old with? To be a real father?

He had been so great lately, coming to all of her appointments and helping her with the nursery. He had been there for her just like he'd promised he would be. He had been playing the role so well already, why could he not just continue? Why could he not just lean into it a little further, let Sophie in?

Noah didn't believe he could have both. Maybe Sophie just needed to show him that he could.

Everything was set when Noah returned home that evening. She had made his favorite meal of steak, roasted garlic potatoes, and buttered green beans.

Sophie was setting the table when he entered the kitchen. She kept on the same tight navy dress that she had worn shopping today but freed her hair from her styled bun. Loose curls swept over shoulders and she had darkened the liner around her eyes to fit the evening.

Nothing was out of the ordinary; it was normal for them to cook for each other now. They talked about their days as they ate. Sophie informed him that the crib had arrived this morning and he offered to help set it up after dinner.

She observed him. It seemed so easy for him to offer help, to spend time with her. So why was he talking like it wasn't something that came naturally to him? What was the reason that they couldn't truly be together?

Her plan had been to ask him outright, but now that the moment was here, she was afraid. How could she show him that he was already acting the part? Maybe she couldn't. Maybe it was something he had to realize on his own.

Sophie was unsure what to do. Something in her had changed recently; this no longer felt like an agreement to her. It felt real and she wanted to know if Noah felt it too. Or at least be able to sort out her feelings if he didn't.

When they finished eating, they decided to tidy up before heading into the nursery.

"What's this?" Noah asked, pointing at the blue box on the counter.

Sophie paused, "Oh, um. That's from my mother. It's nothing."

Thankfully Noah didn't ask any more questions. The last thing she needed him to see was a scrapbook of her dream life.

Noah changed out of his work clothes before meeting her in the nursery. He arrived wearing shorts and no shirt, which was not uncommon for him to do at home. Sophie hadn't gotten used to it, though, and the sight of it always seemed to catch her attention. Especially the v-line that disappeared into whatever shorts hugged his waistline.

They began taking the pieces out of the box, separating all the wood and organizing them by letter. The wood was light beige. When it was finished it would create a circular crib.

Noah prepped the bottom half while Sophie started to fit all the individual side pieces into the circular frame.

The two discussed where they thought the crib should go. Noah thought it would look nice by the window and Sophie thought it would look best under the shelf.

"Oh, that reminds me!" Noah shot off the floor and darted into the hallway.

Sophie waited in confusion until he returned.

Noah was holding a plastic bag, a huge grin on his face. "I had to stop by the mall today and I saw this in the window. I know decorating is kind of your thing but I thought this would look cute."

He sat down beside her and pulled out a stuffed bunny. "It even came with a book." He grinned.

Sophie felt overcome with emotion. He bought something for the baby.

Sure, he had paid to furnish the nursery but that was part of their deal. Now Noah had gone out of his way to buy something that he thought she and the baby would like.

This had to be a sign, right? That he was beginning to care for them too? That he wanted to be more involved?

His hazel eyes sparkled as he pretended to move the bunny's arms, tickling her nose with them.

"It's adorable, Noah." Sophie felt so happy she thought she might burst.

Noah dropped the bunny and she couldn't help but admire how handsome he was.

Sophie kissed him, wrapped up in fantastical joy. And Noah kissed her back, gripping her waist, welcoming her onto his lap.

Sophie straddled him, running her fingers through his hair. She missed this. Missed his lips on hers, the feeling of electricity that ran through her. It was a feeling only Noah could bring her.

They fell to the side and he lowered Sophie to the floor. His lips fell to her neck and his hand to her thigh.

With every movement of her mouth she imagined herself telling him how she felt. Like their connection in this moment allowed him to read her mind.

And then he stopped.

Noah pulled away. "I can't."

Sophie sat up, disappointment raining down on her. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he said casually, patting her thigh. "Come on, Soph. You know we can't."

"Why not?"

He eyed her. "Because that's what we agreed to."

"Because why?" she pushed.

His face began to put the pieces together; this wasn't just about a kiss. His eyes widened. "Do you have feelings for me?"

Sophie reached for his hand but he pulled away. His eyes began to dart around the room in panic.

Noah stood. "Sophie, I already told you that I can't— I can't have that kind of relationship with you. I thought you understood that."

"I did but…" she trailed off, rising from the floor to meet his eyes.

"Sophie, it's not that I don't care about you." He rubbed the back of his neck. "I don't— I never wanted that kind of relationship from anyone."

She cringed internally. How could she have been so stupid?

"So nothing's changed for you?"

"What do you mean?"

It was a typical male deflection and it infuriated her. As if he didn't understand what she meant. No, he wanted her to give him an easy way out, to make her think that he wasn't capable of that kind of emotion.

"You know exactly what I mean," she said plainly, trying to reel in her anger.

"I can't give you what you want," he stated.

"Can't and won't are two very different things, Noah. Look, if this is about your father I—"

Noah shook his head. "Don't bring my father into this. This is about what I want."

"And what do you want?" What about what I want?

His next words were calculated. "I want what we agreed to."

It felt like her heart was shattering into a million pieces. Like the scattered pieces of the crib on the floor, astray from instructions and unfinished. Never to be whole.

"So then say it. Tell me you don't want this," she said, voice rising with frustration. "Tell me that you don't love me, Noah."

His face looked torn but Sophie didn't interrupt his pause, she needed him to answer. Needed him to say the words.

He turned away from her, walking towards the door.

"I don't love you," he replied.