31. Joel

CHAPTER 31

JOEL

W hat they don't tell you about showing up for work every day and doing work at work for the normal number of hours, is that you get so tired. I have literally never felt this exhausted in my life.

It's only been a week since Ben kicked me out, but already I feel like I'm someone totally different. I've barely had a drink. I haven't been out. I haven't even stayed up past midnight eating popcorn and playing video games because I've just been so damn tired. Using your brain really takes it out of you.

"Bye, Joel," says Ingrid as she walks past my office to leave. She throws me a wink when I catch her eyes. I don't react.

Once, I would have chased her down and more if I'd been in the right mood. But I wasn't lying to Anna. I would never cheat on her. And as long as I can't get her off my mind, I won't betray her trust.

Not that I've spoken to her in a week. It's been one of the longest weeks of my life.

I glance at my watch. It's past five now and if Ingrid's gone, that means everyone else must have left too. She's always the last one out. I think she secretly has a work sex fantasy.

Anyway, I might be new Joel, but I'm not a workaholic. I finish working on the row of my spreadsheet, then save it and turn off the computer. New Joel still needs his personal time, even if that's just wandering half-naked around my apartment eating chips and watching TV.

Old habits don't go away, as they say.

I flick off the lights as I go, locking every door as I go through it. I don't want it to be my fault if we get broken into. I hop into the elevator and wait for it to drop me down to the first floor. It has an unpleasant ding when it arrives, but I'm not taking five flights of stairs instead.

Reception is deserted too, except for the desk manager, who seems to be packing up to go too. "Night, Martin," I call as I pass.

"See you," he says without looking up.

I'm just about to hit the revolving door when the unmistakable figure of my father looms into view. "Joel," he says, stopping me in my tracks. "It's good to see you."

"Hey, Dad," I say carefully. Why is he cornering me at work? Doesn't he trust me after all?

What have I done wrong now?

"How has your week been? You're looking very smart."

I finally dug out some of the suits Dad got me years ago from the back of my closet and dusted them off. I actually look damn fine in them, even if I refuse to wear a tie or anything but sneakers. I'm a cool boss, not an old-fashioned one.

"It's been okay. Busy. We're getting ready to push updates globally, so everyone's been working really hard on that." He nods in what looks like approval, though I can't be sure. It's not something I've seen that often. Awkwardly, I add, "How's your week gone?"

"Very well," he says with a smile. "Keep up the good work, son."

He's still smiling as he turns and walks away.

Literally, what just happened? Is my dad proud of me? What the hell?

Anna would laugh at me for being surprised. Of course he is, dipshit , she'd say. You're doing great .

Maybe she wouldn't really say that exactly, but I can hear it in her voice anyway. I keep imagining what she'd say every time I have to make a decision or act like an adult or I need someone to be nice or mean to me. In my head, there's an Anna for every situation, and it turns out that not too many of them are even about sex.

I miss the sex too, obviously, but more than anything, I just miss her. I miss the way she treats me. I miss making her laugh.

The fact is, I would not be the Joel I am right now or the Joel I think I'm trying to be without her. Even if I never see her again, I still need her. I need to hear her voice.

Sighing, I push my way through the revolving door, swimming with emotions about Anna and my dad and the long day. I think I'm happy, mostly. Work is going well, and so is Dad. I'm trying not to think about Anna too much.

I'm not succeeding.

Yet another advantage of being the boss is that I have my own personal parking space right outside the doors to the building. It's awesome for when it's raining — I barely get wet at all. I keep asking to have my name put on it but apparently that's not allowed because CEOs change or something. Which I think is stupid. I'm never going to quit my job, especially not now I'm actually doing it and feeling good about it.

I press the button on my keys and my car unlocks with a beep. I'm just about to open the door and swing inside when someone yells my name from across the lot. Startled, I freeze, hand on the handle.

Breathlessly, Ben runs up to me and pants, "Joel, wait. Please. I have to say something to you."

The temptation to just get in my car and drive away is huge, but I'm not really that petty and Ben is my best friend. I want to know what he's got to say. Especially because after our fight, I was pretty sure he was going to avoid me for the rest of time. The guy's got principles, which is what makes him so good and so damn annoying when he makes his mind up on something.

"Whoa, dude, take five. Aren't you working from home today?"

"Yes, which I why I drove here to try and catch you at the end of the day. And I thought, there's no way Joel stays later than five p.m. Even if he has magically transformed into a useful member of society, there's no way in hell he works overtime."

I'm pretty sure there's a subtext unlike certain people guilt trap in there, but I choose to ignore it. New Joel rises above. And new Joel wants his friend back. "Okay, so… what's up?"

"I need your help," Ben says simply. He's not imposing now. He's just a guy who's come to chat with me and clearly really wants something because he's flicking his fingers in that way he always does when he's nervous.

"Anything for you, dude, you know that. What do you need?"

He smiles and takes a step towards me. "I need you to come home with me."

I can feel a little loading circle go round in my brain. I feel like I've missed a step in this conversation. He's here smiling at me and being all friendly, but the way I remember it, we've just had a huge fight. Is he taking me home to murder me? Like in books, when the wife finally snaps and is really nice to her awful husband before beating him to death with a rolling pin.

Maybe I'm getting a little carried away.

"Why?" I ask, folding my arms suspiciously.

"Because I have a miserable young woman moping around my living room trying to piece her life back together, and she needs cheering up."

"Anna doesn't need me," I say without thinking, then wince because if I've blown the one chance I had at seeing her again, I'm going to kick myself and get blind drunk. In that order.

Ben's smile just widens. "No, you're right. She really doesn't. But she wants you. And maybe you being there won't fix anything, but I don't think it can make her more miserable than she already is."

I take a moment to process that one. "You do remember," I say carefully, "That last time we spoke, you kicked me out of your house? Because I was dating your sister?"

"Dating!" scoffs Ben. "I had no idea you were that serious about her."

"That's because you wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise," I say pointedly.

He nods, closing his eyes like he's in church repenting. "I know. And I'm sorry. You're my best friend, Joel. But you're a fucking moron and I don't want you to hurt Anna. Okay?"

I let myself relax, finally, dropping my arms back to my side as I realize Ben is deadly serious about this. He's actually going to let us be a thing.

"I understand," I say with as much sincerity as I can muster. "I promise, I would never hurt her. Ever. On purpose. And she'll probably smack me really hard if I do on accident."

That makes Ben grin. He claps his hand on the top of my arm, a sign of our friendship restored. "That she would. Don't give her a reason to though, okay? You both deserve some happiness. Come on, I'll see you at home."

With that, he turns and walks back away. I notice he's not in a hurry.

I jump into my car, turn it on, and just sit for a moment, soaking it in. Is this how real human adults feel when things are going their way? I've got a great job, great friends, and hopefully soon a great girl. It's a kind of joy I can barely describe, a lightness inside my shoulders like balloons trying to float me away.

I think I like it.

I sit for a little while basking in it, then slide the car into drive and hurry back through the streets towards Anna.