32. Anna

CHAPTER 32

ANNA

I heave myself off the sofa and shuffle to the kitchen, dragging my feet on the floor. I'm wearing my favorite pair of blue, fluffy socks and my best oversized hoodie with the hood up and I feel like some sort of cave gremlin. I haven't left the house in days.

I can't stop thinking about Joel. I miss him.

Ben's out at the supermarket or at work or something. I barely know what day it is. My head hurts from staring at my phone for too long and probably not drinking enough water.

The good news is, I think I've found an engineer. I'm interviewing her on Monday. She seemed really nice on the phone. Smart. I hope she's the one, because even though I'm going to tell her I have other offers, I really don't. I need something good to happen.

I really, really need something to start going my way this week. Otherwise I'll just be friendless, homeless, broke, and alone. And I think that's going to drive me crazy.

At least I've got Ben. He's been so good helping me, offering me advice that I did and didn't ask for about ways to start rebuilding. He can get a little bit overbearing, but it's because he cares. I think a part of me always knew that being helped is frustrating, which is why I never wanted to accept it before.

I'm frustrated now anyway, help or no help. I've barely been productive all day, just sitting looking at cat videos and the blinking cursor of emails I don't really want to send. So I've decided to treat myself to a little break. It might not be deserved, but I want one.

Since Ben got back, we're really lacking in the snack department. I open the cupboard where Joel stashed all his candies and chips and find it painfully empty. I've eaten my way through everything Joel bought and even though Ben went grocery shopping, he's just not a snack guy.

There's one bag of really sad fun-shaped chips that weren't even very good, but that's all I've got to work with. Could I cook properly? Yes. Do I want to do that? Absolutely not. My motivation to do anything is rock bottom right now, and I don't want to blame that all on Joel not being here, but at least he made being a loser fun.

All I've been doing since he left is pretend I can glue my life back together. But it's all so fragile and my hands are shaking.

I must be hungry. I only get this fatalistic when my blood sugar gets low. Everything is going to turn out okay. That's what I have to keep telling myself. I don't need anyone else, but I do have Ben and I appreciate that, and everything will turn out okay. I repeat it in my head like a mantra.

Time to raid the fridge. Also disappointingly snackless, but maybe cheese on crackers would be good. Ben has tons of Mr. McMac's finest sharp cheddar in here, and I'm pretty sure I saw some fancy salt and rosemary crackers somewhere around here. The more I think about it, the better it sounds. What has my life come to that cheese and crackers is the best part of my day?

While I'm rooting around in the cupboards, I hear the door open. "Hi!" I yell, not bothering to look up at my brother.

It's when Joel says, "Hello," that I bang my head on the counter above me.

"Shit!" I say, when really what I wanted to say was hello Joel, oh my God have I missed you!

Dazed, I stand up to see him leaning on the fridge, grinning at me with that bright, delightful smile. I let out a disbelieving grin. Concussions can lie. Maybe this is all a hallucination brought on by injury and sadness. "Is it really you?"

He steps over to me and takes me into his arms, kissing the top of my head where I hit it. "There, all better," he says. "Is that proof enough?"

I pull back to look at him, and so he can see me roll my eyes and laugh at him softly. He's utterly ridiculous. "Why are you here?"

"I dragged him home," yells Ben. "My treat."

"Thank you!" I yell back before he shuts his bedroom door as if to signal that he doesn't want to interrupt.

"Is he feeling okay?" I ask Joel. Going back on his word is pretty uncharacteristic of Ben.

"He told me there was, I quote, ‘a miserable girl wallowing around in his kitchen,' and that she needed a little bit of cheering up."

"Oh, so he thought he'd bring me you? Well, it's better than nothing," I grin, not bothering to pretend to be mad about this arrangement.

Joel scoffs triumphantly. "You see, that's what I said you'd say! That you didn't need anyone at all and that I'd just be an inconvenience."

"No you didn't," I say, reaching down to take his hands in mine. Already in a week, I'd begun to forget what they felt like, the way our fingers slotted together, the warm pressure of his skin against mine.

"I did, I swear! I said to him, Ben, Anna doesn't need any kind of man to make her happy. And he said to me, Joel, I know that, but she wants to see you again and I want to see her happy, so if you can make her even a teeny-weeny bit happier then that'll be great."

As I wrap my arms around him, I say, "I think you might be paraphrasing."

"I would never!" he says, his own arms wrapping tightly around me.

We stand for a while just like that, breathing each other in, holding on for dear life. How can it be that when you love someone, even a week away from them feels like a lifetime? How can it hurt so much to miss them even for such a tiny amount of time, and feel so good when they come back to you?

And the thing is, they're both right. I don't need anyone to make me happy. But Joel makes me feel so good, and it's easy to be happy when you have people who love you around you. It's easier to take the bad parts of your world when you can come home and put your hand in the hand of someone who loves you.

"I missed you," I whisper into his chest.

"Me too," he says. "But I've become a super awesome boss now."

I split apart from him, giggling. "What, you show up now?"

"Every single day," he says proudly.

"Whatever happened to the Joel Lockhart who fell through the window?"

"Well, he met this really great girl and realized he needed her way more than she needs him, so decided he was going to do his best to become the kind of guy she could love back."

I sigh happily, feeling my stupid eyes prick with tears again. This is a good kind of crying, though. I think I can allow myself happy crying.

"Please tell me you're not about to propose," I joke, but there is a tiny part of me afraid that he will. It's not that I don't want to spend my life with him, but I don't think that's the kind of thing we should rush into.

"Hey, I'm not even allowed to call you my girlfriend until tomorrow," he says, his knuckles running over my cheek like he can't believe I'm really here.

I'm honestly surprised he remembered that because I'd forgotten. He doesn't need to prove that he's serious, but that just seals it for me. "I think," I say, reaching up as if to kiss him. "We can bring that one in a day earlier."

His lips meet mine and my heart feels like it's home.

"Make a life with me," he whispers when we break apart. "I don't mean like marriage or anything. Just, let me be yours."

"Forever," I whisper back, and as I lean in to kiss him again, I know I really mean it.