30. Anna

CHAPTER 30

ANNA

I 'm absolutely starving but I can't leave the room. I've already made my way through the snack pile that me and Joel had been creating and now I'm left alone with my rumbling stomach and fury. I'm too mad to even cry.

What the fuck was Ben doing yelling at Joel like that? Aren't they meant to be best friends?

In fairness, I think I'd get pretty sick of all Joel's stunts too, but still. I'm his sister. We haven't rowed like that since we were teenagers.

It was over the same thing then, too. He wanted to protect me. I told him I could look after myself. He got mad with me for not letting him help, and I got mad at him for imposing. It's like we've always been at slight tangents, neither one of us quite able to see what the other really needs.

I kind of feel like I've lost him forever now.

I've definitely lost Joel forever. Ben will see to that. Because what I really need is my overprotective brother running my life.

Ugh!

I swore I wasn't going to cry over stupid men anymore, that they weren't worth my tears. They're not. I still woke up surrounded by tissues and eyes tired and heavy from crying myself to sleep. This isn't exactly a man breaking my heart by leaving me.

This is my idiot brother making decisions for me without listening to a word I'm saying.

In frustration, I throw my pillow at the wall. It makes a sad thump as it bounces off and lands back on the bed. If I were slightly more energetic, I'd be smashing stuff.

My stomach rumbles again and actually hurts. I have to go and get food. But I know for a fact that Ben's out there. It's his house and I've heard him wandering about.

Why did I ever think coming here was a good idea?

I stand behind the closed door for a solid minute, steeling myself for the confrontation.

I can do this.

Carefully, I open the guest-room door and walk out. I keep my head held high and don't look at Ben at all. He's sat on the sofa, reading. He doesn't acknowledge me either, which is fine. I'd rather not speak to him at all.

Feeling sorry for myself, I grab a bowl and dump some of Joel's cereal into it. I don't really like cereal and especially not the sickly-sweet stuff Joel kept buying, but I'm sad and I want to think about him, so I splash some milk on top and force myself to start eating. Unsurprisingly, I don't like it.

Ben gets up from the sofa before I've finished and comes into the kitchen. I don't even look at him.

He shoves a coffee pod into his machine and the sound of it brewing fills the silence. I keep eating, trying not to grimace.

"Do you want one?" he asks, trying to hold out an olive branch.

I'm not interested in his peace, though. "No thanks. I don't like your flavors."

The machine splutters as it pours steaming coffee into his mug, a big, gray striped one. I can be strong enough in my silence not to comment on his décor choices. I can.

He picks up his mug and I think he's going to go back to the sofa, but instead he comes and sits next to me. I stiffen, wishing I hadn't poured so much cereal. I'm hungry, but I don't know if I'm that hungry.

Ben takes a sip. "I'm sorry, An."

I blink in surprise. "Are you?"

"Yes," he says, like all the fury from last night has faded and he's the gentle, kind brother I know again. "I am. Last night… I was tired, and I wasn't expecting to find you here. I thought I was going to come home to Joel having left the place a wreck."

"Not flirting with your sister," I say, squeezing my lips together to stop myself from smiling.

"Exactly. He's not a great guy to get tangled with. You know that, right? He's one of the most selfish people I've ever met, and I'm saying that as his best friend."

"I know. But he cooked last night."

"What?" snorts Ben, putting his mug down heavily. I let out a chuckle, the tension seeping away. No matter how much I'd love to stay angry, I can't.

"He did nearly burn your place down last Tuesday, but last night was all his own work."

"With the help of Mr. McMac I assume?" he says, grinning. That's always been his favorite brand of cheese. Ben is nothing if not reliable.

I've been so stupid for pretending I don't need him.

"I guess that's why I have a giant hole in my window too?"

Shit, I totally forgot about that. Joel and his stupid break-in attempt. "Yeah…" I say. "He broke it after I took the spare key. He promised to pay for it all, though."

"Damn right he's going to. What did he do, put his fist through it?"

I nod and Ben lets out an incredulous, bellowing laugh before pressing his hands to his face. I can't help but laugh too, and suddenly it feels like we're teenagers and up to mischief again.

As our laughter fades, he looks at me and says, "What's going on with you, Anna? Why are you here?"

"I've been kicked out," I tell him, not seeing the point of lying. There's no point in being proud now. I have nowhere else to go. "I'm sorry. I should have said instead of just showing up, but I really thought I could be gone before you came back and—"

"Whoa, whoa," says Ben, squeezing my shoulder like he's trying to soothe a worried horse. "You got kicked out by Mariana?"

I shake my head. "Not exactly. She took all my money and left the country. I've lost everything." I laugh bitterly.

"God, Anna, I'm so sorry. I'm glad you came here."

"Really?"

"Yeah, of course. You can stay any time. In fact, I'd love to see you more."

"Really?" I tip the last of the milk from my bowl into my mouth, trying to cover my embarrassment that Ben would have helped all along if I had asked. I feel like I'm being taught a lesson, and I think I want to learn it.

"Of course," he says again, making us sound like echoes. "I never understood why you cut us all out. It's like one day you were my baby sister, and the next a stranger. Like, what did I do wrong?"

"Nothing," I say, rolling my eyes. "And that's the problem. You're just too perfect. Ben gets perfect grades, Ben gets a fancy college degree, Ben gets an awesome job and travels the world and makes a shit ton of cash."

"And?"

He looks so genuinely confused at my bitterness, frowning like he's trying to solve a puzzle. Of course being perfect, it's probably hard for him to see what it's like to live under that shadow, but then again, maybe he really doesn't see me as worse for not being a smart and funny and good as him. Maybe Joel was right all along.

" And , well… like, I'm not. I barely graduated high school and now I've lost all my money to a conwoman who I though was my friend. I'm not exactly doing great, am I?"

His frown deepens and I can't bear to look so I stare into the bowl, spinning the spoon in circles in the middle.

"And you think I'm doing great?" he asks.

It feels like a trick question. "Yeah, obviously. You work for one of the richest families in Olympus City. What part of that isn't great?"

"Anna, I work all the time and I have no friends. Except Joel, who let's be honest, isn't the most reliable guy. Yeah, the travel perks are good and I like my job, but I have no life outside it. All I am is what people expect me to be."

"At least you're not the world's biggest disappointment," I mutter, not quite ready to listen to his voice of reason. I'm moping and I'm his little sister. I'm allowed to.

"You're not a disappointment. You never have been, not to me. God, is that why you never speak to me? Because you think I'm going to judge you for not being me?"

When he puts it like that, it sounds really dumb.

"Well, like. No. But, yeah, I guess. It's just like, you have all these cool things and you're so smart and I'm struggling to do my best which isn't even very good anyway."

"Hey, don't talk like that. You want to know a secret?"

He's talking to me like I'm ten years old and he's my wise, older brother. Which he is, I just haven't heard him use this tone in a long, long time. Not since we were much younger and I used to look at him like he was the sun. He used to be the one who always knew everything to me. My confidant and friend.

What happened to us?

Narrowing my eyes, I ask, "What?"

"I've always felt like kind of a loser compared to you too."

I frown hard at that. Surely he's just teasing me. There's no way that Ben has ever compared himself to me and thought I was doing better.

I cross my arms grumpily. "Don't torment me."

"I'm really not. Yes, I have a degree and a great job." I raise my eyebrow as high as I can make it go. "But," he continues, "You work so hard to be who you are. You literally left home at seventeen and you've never gone back. You've worked and worked and you're so close to being a hit. I don't have that kind of determination in me. Mom and Dad paid for college, Joel got me a job. I was just lucky. And you've just hit a bump in the road. You'll get there. And if you'll actually let me, I'll always be here for you, An."

I can't hold it back anymore, so I just let the tears go. I swear, after this week I am never crying again. I've done more than enough of that lately.

It's time to get my life back together.

I get up and wrap my arms around Ben, resting my head on his shoulder. "Thank you," I mumble.

He doesn't say a word, just reaches round awkwardly to pay me on the head. Quietly, I add, "Please forgive Joel. He didn't do anything wrong. Me being here was an accident and he didn't make me do anything. It was just a bit of fun."

Ben grumbles unhappily. "Stay away from him, Anna. Please. For me. I've seen him use so many people, and I just don't want you to get hurt. You understand that, right?"

I'm glad Ben can't see my face from where I've buried it into his shirt, soaking it with my tears. "Yeah," I lie. I don't want to upset him again already after we've just made up. He means a lot to me and I don't think I can lose him again.

But the truth is, I don't agree with him. Ben doesn't own me and I just want Joel. I really liked him.