29. Joel

CHAPTER 29

JOEL

I snatch my hand back from Anna like I'm touching hot coals, but it's too late. Even if Ben hadn't seen us holding hands, the way we're sitting guiltily opposite each other at a table that's obviously set up for date night is a giveaway.

We're all statues for what feels like minutes, fixed in place like we're all trying to pretend this isn't happening.

Ben drops his bag on the floor. The thump echoes uncomfortably off the walls. "Anna, what the hell are you doing here?"

"Hey, Ben," she says awkwardly.

"You've never, ever come to visit, but you're here now with him ?" Ben's voice is loud and cold as he makes assumptions about what's been going on.

I wish we could deny it, but his assumptions are probably right. We have been having a lot of sex in his bed and we haven't washed the sheets yet. I have a reputation after all, even if I wish I didn't, and Ben has scraped me up off the floor and sorted out my disasters so many times I've lost count. I should be more grateful to him.

He's be wrong if he's assuming I don't love Anna, though. Because I really, really do, to an almost embarrassing degree.

"Ben, please," says Anna, standing up. "It's not what it looks like. I can explain."

"I'm sure you can," he thunders.

Anna puffs up and suddenly I can see the family resemblance of stubbornness all too well. They both have the same glint in their eyes, that same tilt of the head, the same tone of voice which could make the kindest words sound like the worst thing in the world.

"Yeah, actually, I can. I didn't come here for Joel, it just… happened," she trails off, dropping her act of defiance.

Ben shakes his head and walks past her, marching up to me with the angriest face I have ever seen on him. The creases in his forehead are deep valleys. He's actually going red.

This is bad.

"I can't believe you've dragged my sister into your bullshit!" he yells. I get to my feet too, not wanting to have an argument with someone towering over me.

"Hey, dude, no one did any dragging. You really think I lured her here? For what, to piss you off while I was staying over?" I try to use a calm, level tone but I think it just makes things worse.

The worst bit is, I totally get why he's mad. It's not like I don't have form for dating people for two weeks before dropping them. Two weeks is a long time for me. Two nights is about average.

This has only been a week, but already I don't want to let it go because it's been the best week ever. Ben's right to assume I've been an inconstant bastard because I am. But he's wrong to assume that Anna would ever be dumb or na?ve enough to fall for someone like me without a reason.

Besides, if I ever let her down, she wouldn't need anyone else to defend her. She can look after herself.

"I know exactly what you're like, Joel Lockhart." He takes another step towards me and for a second I think he's actually going to deck me. I glance at his fist nervously. "All you do is mess around and act like the whole world is yours for the taking. You'll never change."

That feels almost as bad as a punch.

"Come on, dude. That's not fair."

"Not fair?! You want to know what's not fair? I've been busting my ass in Japan for you while you've been lounging about in my house — yeah, everyone in the whole goddamn world has seen your naked ass now. For the last month, I'd been making real connections, but this week it's been all about trying to persuade them not to back out altogether because they think you're a reckless, irresponsible idiot!"

I have nothing to say to that. My lips tremble as I try to form any sort of words at all. The rest of the world still knows old Joel.

This week has been like going to some weird remote monastery and learning all the chants and ways to live a better life, and now I've come home and I'm a better person but everyone still looks at me and sees gets-his-ass-out-in-a-casino Joel.

Guess I was stupid to think they might think otherwise.

"Ben, calm down," says Anna, folding her arms and sighing behind us.

He wheels round to face her. "I'm just worried for you, okay? You have no idea what he's like. You have no idea how much bullshit I've had to cover up for in the time we've been working together."

"What, so you think I'm too pathetic to look after myself?" she snaps.

This is going to end badly. They're both having different arguments and neither are going to realize it. Ben doesn't know what Anna thinks he thinks of her. And Anna doesn't believe the truth.

This is such a mess.

"Of course not!" he snaps back.

He's just as angry at her as he is at me, but he's not intimidating her. To me, he puffs up his shoulders, gives me a glare that could kill, gets in my face to make his rage known. He's a gentle guy usually, but he can be nasty when he's riled up. To me. To Anna, he's just regular mad.

"You clearly don't need anyone else. I haven't seen you in years!"

"I came to your birthday last year."

" Two years ago. I was in Paris last year. If you ever bothered to speak to me, you'd know that."

"Right, because you give such a shit about what I'm doing in my life!"

Fights like this make me so glad I don't have any siblings. This is getting kind of bad and I don't really want to watch either of them poke each other's eyes out, or whatever it is siblings do when they hate each other.

"Hey, guys, I think we might just all be a bit mad here," I say, trying to break the tension of the situation into something a little calmer. I'm pretty sure that's what you're meant to do in a high-stakes environment, like in movies when they talk a bomber out of exploding a bank full of innocents.

In movies, it's great. But here it doesn't work.

"Yeah, big guy, I'm mad," says Ben, turning back to me. "Who told you that you could treat my sister like the next notch on your bedpost?"

Anna's eyebrows shoot up in shock.

"Dude…" I say. "It's not like that at all, I swear. We're the real deal. I didn't even bring her here."

"Sure thing," says Ben poisonously. He's not going to listen to either of us even if we're telling him the truth. "It's great for you guys that you have such easy lives that you can afford to spend a week for free in someone else's house without thinking about a single other damn person on earth, but some of us have real jobs and work damn hard at them."

I open my mouth to say whatever's going to come out next, but Ben steamrolls right over me, not to yell any more, but to sound exhausted, disappointed.

"You know what, I don't even care. If you want to fuck your whole life away, Joel, fine. Just get out of my house first."

I stare at him confused, my mouth still hanging open. Behind him, I spot Anna scowling, her eyes shining with righteously angry tears. Whatever dance we've just been doing, I think I've lost.

Ben points at me like he's about to lunge at me and grab my shirt and drag me off. "You heard me. Get. Out."

Before he can touch me, I back away and march towards the door. As I grab my coat from the rack, I hesitate, locking eyes with Anna who seems to be saying sorry with them. If I was allowed another word, I'd tell her it wasn't her fault because it's not.

It's all mine. I should have known better. Ben's right. I'm never going to change.

She looks at me for another heartbeat, then glares wickedly at Ben and storms off to her room, slamming the door behind her like a teenager.

Ben is stone-faced as he looks at me. I feel the weight of his disappointment settle over me, heavy rocks in my stomach and chest that I'm not going to be able to shake for a long, long time.

I'm never going to see her again. He's going to make sure of that.

Without another word, I pull on my coat and leave.