Chapter 19

KNOX

When you play hockey,you get hurt.

There’s no escaping that fact or fate.

I’m only mentioning that because I’m used to the doctor and hospital vibe and setting. I’ve broken bones. I’ve gotten surgery. I’ve had concussions.

That’s just part of playing any sport.

But this? With Willow?

This is all new to me.

I’m try hard not to be shocked right now, okay?

Pregnant women in the waiting room.

Now I’m in the ultrasound room with these graphic posters of cartoon women and their bodies.

Really big breasts and large nipples…

And then ones of their insides showing how the baby grows and moves organs around.

Oh, and then the birthing ones.

Dilate? Where holes get bigger… and I’m talking… big… like…

Okay, I’m not stupid here. I know where babies come from. I took health class many times over.

It’s just a little bit different right now.

On top of that, Willow is on a padded table with her feet up.

The ultrasound lady - Lana - is sitting on a stool.

I watched her unroll a condom onto the ultrasound wand… like is that some kind of joke? Like if only I did that the night Willow and I slept together… you know?

And then the wand goes between Willow’s legs.

I stand next to Willow.

I feel useless.

I get why women get so fired about things with their bodies.

Getting a period. Bleeding, being in pain. All that.

And then normal doctor appointments when they have to get stuff checked out or whatever.

I mean for us guys, worse thing that happens is a doctor grabs your balls for a second to make sure everything is okay.

But this?

I don’t even know what to do for Willow.

Her eyes are glued to the ultrasound screen.

So are mine.

It’s all black and then there’s a clearing.

Like a circle or something.

I don’t know what part of Willow we’re looking at.

Her womb…?

“Okay, let’s see,” Lana says in a cheery voice.

There’s movement on the screen and then…

Willow gasps.

I don’t know why.

“Yup,” Lana says. “Right there…”

“What?” I ask.

Both Willow and Lana look at me.

“Baby,” Willow whispers.

“Where?” I ask.

“Right here,” Lana says. “See that object? Looks like a small bean. Right?”

I lean forward and stare at the screen. “That? That’s… a baby?”

“What did you expect?” Lana asks. “A fully grown baby ready to play?”

I exhale a breath and suck one right back in.

The room moves for a second.

I’m suddenly unsteady.

“Knox,” Willow says.

“I’m fine,” I say.

“You can sit down,” Lana says. “You would not be the first person to pass out either. Believe me, I’ve seen it all.”

I shake my head.

I don’t need anything from anyone right now.

All I can do is stare at the ultrasound screen.

“Here,” Lana says. “Let’s print some pictures. Have some fun. Then I’ll do all my stuff.”

“What kind of stuff?” I ask.

“Well, I have to measure the baby. We’re going to listen to the heartbeat next. You know, just check up on the little one. That’s all.”

The room falls quiet.

Lana presses a button or two and then there’s a scrambling kind of sound. Almost like when a radio station disappears.

Then…

A whoosh-whoosh-whoosh sound appears.

Willow covers her mouth.

“Nice and strong,” Lana says. “That’s what we want to hear.”

“That’s the heartbeat,” I say.

“That’s right,” Lana says. “That’s your baby’s heart beating right now.”

The room moves again.

I stay firm. Steady.

Willow lowers her hands. “Knox…?”

I look down at her.

Back at the ultrasound screen.

Back at her.

I have no idea what rushes over me but I lean down and plant my lips to hers.

A soft, sweet, what-the-fuck-did-we-do-to-our-lives kind of kiss.

Willow touches my left cheek.

I inch back.

I kiss her again.

I hear her whisper my name as our lips are touching.

The room suddenly starts to move again.

And that’s when I pass out.