Chapter 19

19

Joey

When my alarm goes off the next morning, I’m somewhere between content and hung over. My stomach isn’t happy with me and I’ve got a headache looming, but my heart is calm. I can’t let myself get wrapped up in Nick. Doesn’t matter how badly I want to. How desperately a part of who I am calls to him.

My soul is tired.

I sit up and shut off the second alarm. Another day, another workout. Time stops for no one. That’s a lesson I learned early in life. The world keeps turning, even when you’re mourning, even when your mom is burying herself in work because she can’t deal with life, even when you’re left to raise your siblings because there’s no one else to do it. Life keeps going.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped living and just started surviving. I don’t know what living feels like anymore.

“Bryce, time for the gym.” I pull the blanket off my sleeping roommate and change into workout gear. Bryce is still snoring and I’m tired of having to do this every single fucking day, so I leave him. He can get in trouble with Coach today. I shouldn’t have to baby him.

I grab a protein bar and my water bottle before opening the door and sighing. If Bryce doesn’t show up on time, everyone will look at me like I’m the dick for not helping a teammate out.

Growling to myself, I turn and throw a water bottle from Bryce’s desk at him.

He jolts and covers his head. “What the fuck, man?”

“Get up.” With that, I leave the room and head down the hall. I’m apparently not hiding my frustration if the side-eyed looks from my teammates are anything to go by. But I don’t pay them any attention. With music blasting in my ears and agitation burning in my blood, I push myself harder than normal. Since we’re done with last night’s game, we’re working toward the ones next weekend, and I know I shouldn’t push it right now but I need to burn off the frustration before I do something stupid, like find Nick.

Sundays are supposed to be rest days but I typically do something light, not today, apparently.

I’m pouring sweat down my face, soaking my shirt, on the treadmill when Bryce steps in front of it and folds his arms on the rail.

I glance at him for a second and see the raised eyebrow and set jaw. He wants something or is expecting me to do something. Great. What am I missing? I slow my pace so I can stop panting enough to talk to him.

“What?”

“You what?” he barks back. Bryce is not typically a hothead, so him being upset is…concerning.

“What the hell does that mean?” I slow the treadmill even more until I’m walking comfortably.

“What’s the deal with Nick?”

I look around the gym, but it’s empty except for us. “What are you talking about? There’s no deal.”

He looks at me like I’m an idiot and I grit my teeth. This right here is why I don’t want people to know. I don’t want to deal with the intrusive questions and snide remarks. It’s only a few more months until I graduate and I don’t have to deal with this.

“You really expect me to believe there isn’t something going on? Really? Do I look like a dumbass to you?” I open my mouth to respond but he holds up his hand. “Don’t answer that.”

I snort and a smile starts to turn up one side of my mouth. “Nick and I are friends, kind of. You know how it is during the season, shit is busy and we really don’t have much time for anything besides school and hockey.” I shrug, trying to play it off like it’s not a big deal, but the ache in my stomach is a weight trying to pull me into the core of the earth.

“Bullshit.”

I stop the treadmill and stare at him. “Excuse me?”

“Bull. Shit,” he enunciates. “You mope around the room when you aren’t in here or in class. Everyone else has a social life. Every. One. Else.” He takes a deep breath and watches me for a minute. “So, go shower, get changed, then go away. I’m kicking you out of the room for the day.”

“You can’t kick me out of my own room.” I step down and wipe my face on my T-shirt.

“Watch me. I’ll get the guys to help me carry your ass out if I have to.”

“What the hell am I supposed to do all day?”

“I don’t care.”

He turns and leaves me in the middle of the gym contemplating my reality. Would he really call the guys on the team to physically remove me from the room? Yeah, he probably would.

With a sigh, I head to the showers to get cleaned up and changed.

When I step out of the gym, clean and free of my shit since Bryce took my gym bag, I look around and just start walking.

When was the last time I just existed? Where I did what I wanted and didn’t worry about my siblings or teammates? I’ve been so wrapped up in taking care of everyone else that I don’t know what to do or who to do it with.

Okay, I want to call Nick.

Maybe today I should test if we can really be friends…

JOEY:

Hey, what are you doing today?

NICK:

Checking myself into a mental hospital because I think I’m hallucinating?

I chuckle and start to form a plan.

CARPENTER:

Hey, can I borrow your car for a while today?

JOHNSON:

Why? You okay? Do you need a ride?

CARPENTER:

I’m good, just want to get off campus for a while.

“Carpy Carp!” Oiler’s singsong voice has me turning to see him and Johnson coming from the dining hall.

Johnson reaches into his pocket and hands me his keys with a hockey puck key chain on it.

“You sure you’re okay?” He eyes me skeptically.

“Yeah, I’m good. Thanks.”

My phone pings with a new message.

NICK:

Uh hello? Was that a figment of my imagination?

JOEY:

Get dressed and meet me by the dorm parking.

NICK:

You’re not luring me to murder me, are you?

JOEY:

You’re a heavy bastard, I would need help carrying the body.

I head toward the dorms with Johnson and Oiler, but I’m not really paying attention to what they’re talking about. Oiler seems to be in a chatty mood today, so he’s probably changed topics five times since he saw me.

But I have a smile on my face that doesn’t feel forced when I get to the dorms and see Nick pushing out the door, only to stop when he sees me with my teammates.

“Nope. I’m not dying today, fish boy!” Nick yells from the door.

“Fish boy! ’Cause we call him Carp! Like the fish! Why didn’t I ever think of that? That’s genius!” Oiler slaps his own forehead and Johnson shakes his head.

“You better hope he forgets about that or it’s going to be everywhere.” Johnson pats my shoulder and follows his redheaded cohort.

They wander off and I wait for Nick. With a smile on his handsome face, he approaches but stops far enough away that I hate it. I want him to touch me.

“You look…happy.” He looks me over and his shoulders drop a little like he’s relaxed knowing that.

“Well, my roommate kicked me out of our room for the day and I haven’t had a free day to do whatever I wanted in a long time, so I was hoping you could help me find something.” I bite on the inside of my cheek before speaking again. “We can be friends, right? You said we could do that?”

“Yeah, friends is good.” Nick nods as a huge grin splits his face. I haven’t seen a smile like that since before classes started and as much as it hurts, it lights up a part of me I didn’t realize was dark.

“Friends that sometimes cuddle, though, right?” My voice is quiet and I can feel my cheeks heat.

“I don’t have friends I don’t cuddle with.” He steps a little closer.

I narrow my eyes and think about it for a minute. “Are you a cuddle whore? Cuddling people all willy-nilly?”

Willy-nilly? Seriously? Ugh.

“I am a cuddle whore who is lacking work.”

I snort and reach for his hand, but stop myself and look around before clearing my throat and step back. I turn toward the parking lot and motion for him to follow me. He clearly saw what I was going to do if the look on his face is anything to go by.

Do I really care what people will think if they see me holding hands with him? No. Yes? I don’t know. I don’t want to care but there’s a part of me that’s scared. Which is stupid. It’s not like I couldn’t take on someone in a fight if they got in my face or ran their mouth. I know I can take a hit and stay standing.

But I don’t want to deal with it. I have enough on my plate.

I’m tired of having to deal with everyone else’s shit.

We climb in the car, and I have to adjust the seat since my legs are longer than Johnson’s. Nick smirks at me as I get it adjusted and start the car. Since it’s winter, it’s cold as fuck and the engine doesn’t want to turn over, but with some coaxing it comes to life. The heat is turned high so it feels like an industrial fan is blowing cold air at my face.

“What the fuck?” I find the knob and turn it off. Nick has his hands on the vents, closing them so they stop blowing at him as well.

“So, what’s your plan?” he asks as I pull out of the parking lot to head toward downtown.

“I’m hungry, so food.”

“I know of a mom-and-pop diner that makes amazing biscuits and gravy.”

My stomach grumbles and I send Nick a quick smile. “Sounds good.”

He gives me directions and we get lucky to find a parking spot up close. Most of them are taken, so it must be a good place if there’s this many customers.

“Nick!” a happy male voice booms as soon as we enter, and I turn to see a man through the kitchen window with a big smile on his face looking at us. He’s an older man, probably in his sixties with smile lines by his mouth and at the corners of his eyes. From what I can see, this is a happy man. I like him already.

“Jim! How’s it going?” Nick waves to him.

“It’s been a while. You good, kid?” He looks genuinely concerned about Nick and a pang hits my chest. How does Nick know this man? Why has it been a while since they saw each other?

“I’m good.”

“Seat for two?” I turn to find a young woman with a nice smile but a no-nonsense energy and blue hair pulled back in a French braid. I nod and she leads us to a booth in the back, drops our menus on the table, and tells us our server will be with us shortly.

“You come here often?” I ask as I hide behind my menu. I know I have to keep my distance from him, emotionally, but there’s so much I don’t know about his life.

“I used to work here during the off-season.”

I look over the top of the laminated paper to find him leaning on the table, watching me.

“I guess that means you know what you’re going to order?”

His smile is wide when he answers. “Biscuits and gravy.”

Oh yeah. Duh.

“Me too.” I put aside the menu and feel awkwardness crawling up my spine. Why is this so weird? I hate this.

Nick opens his mouth as his phone buzzes loudly on the seat next to him.

He lifts it and denies the call.

“Relax,” he says as he slides his foot against mine under the table. My neck and face heat at the simple touch. “It’s okay.”

His phone vibrates again, and he huffs, his eyebrows pulling together. “Sorry, it’s my brother, just a sec.”

I nod and watch him, even though it’s rude, but I don’t think he’s ever mentioned a brother.

“Hey, nut sack,” coming from the phone makes me jump at the volume.

“Fuck,” Nick mutters and turns it down. “I’m at breakfast, what do you want?” It’s quiet for a minute before he lifts an eyebrow at the screen. “What?”

“That’s not on campus. Are you at Jim’s?”

“Yes, I am. What do you want, Brent?”

“Brent? Did you just government name me? What the fuck, dude? Am I interrupting something? Trying to get laid?”

I snort, trying to keep my laugh in, and cover my mouth with my hands. Of course now is when the server comes up to us.

“Good morning, what can I get you to drink? Are you ready to order?” The young man looks uncomfortable, like he’s new and not used to randomly talking to strangers.

“I’ll have a coffee,” I tell him. “And biscuits and gravy.”

“Who is that?” comes from the phone again. “Did you find a friend? I’m so proud of you, lil Nicky.” Condescension in those words makes me laugh again.

“I’ll have the same,” Nick says to the server with a tight-lipped smile and turns back to his phone. “I’m hanging up now. I hope your asshole itches all day.”

He puts his phone back on the seat and sighs. “Sorry about that.”

“It’s okay, I’m kind of surprised my sister hasn’t texted me yet.” I check my phone just in case and breathe out a sigh of relief when there’s no messages.

“Brent is my best friend and while he’s an ass, he means well. Usually.” He shrugs but it’s obvious that he cares deeply for him. I wish I had that kind of relationship with my brother. I can’t remember the last time I talked to him on the phone since it got shut off a few months ago.

I also don’t have a best friend. Not anymore. Not since I moved away for hockey and college. I have my teammates that I know I can talk to, but no one I’m particularly close to.

Nick’s foot rubs against the inside of my ankle and I lift my eyes to meet his.

“I’m glad you have him,” I say quietly.

“Who do you have?”

I don’t want to say the words out loud and find that I can’t when I try, so I just shake my head and shrug. Pathetic. Who doesn’t have a friend? Just one friend they can talk to? This loser.