Chapter 20

20

Nick

Breakfast with Joey is…different. I can’t stop myself from touching him under the table. A simple touch, just my ankle against his, but it’s the connection I’ve been craving. What is it about him that makes my fingers reach for his? That makes my heart ache for him to be close?

We talk about his family and mine. The way we had to grow up too fast and take care of others, put our needs on hold or pretend we didn’t have any.

When we’re done eating, I clear our table and dump our dishes in the dishpan, then head back to the kitchen with Joey on my heels. He seems interested to learn about me, so I want to keep showing him.

“Hey, Jim,” I call over the noise of the kitchen when I push through the door. There are two cooks in here, busy with prepping orders. One I recognize as his son but I can’t remember his name at the moment.

“Nicky!” The big man turns and gives me a quick hug before turning back to the hot grill he’s cooking up a couple of burgers and toasting some buns on. “How’ve you been?”

“I’ve been okay, trying to keep my head in the books so I can graduate on time.”

“Good, good.” He pats my shoulder and gives it a squeeze. This man was the father figure I didn’t know I needed. “Who you got with you?”

With a half-smile, I look behind me at the man who means too much to me. “This is Joey.”

He steps forward and offers his hand, but Jim pulls him into a quick hug too, patting Joey’s back with his big mitts. I chuckle quietly and lean my arm on his shoulder when Jim lets go of him.

“Nice to meet you,” Joey says with a smile.

“You see,” I pat his chest, “Jim is Debbi’s brother.”

At Debbi’s name, Joey’s eyes widen and his cheeks pinken.

“You don’t happen to have any of her pastries left, do you?” I ask Jim but he shakes his head.

“No, we ran out early today.”

Damn.

“All right, I won’t take any more of your time.” I step in for a hug and he holds me tight for a second longer than I expected, but damn do I need it.

“Come in any time, you hear me?” He pats my back and squeezes me one more time.

“I hear you.”

Joey lifts his hand in a wave and we leave the kitchen, heading out to the parking lot after paying for our food.

“What’s next?” I ask when we get into the car but he doesn’t start it.

With his hands in his lap, he stares out the windshield, and sighs. “I don’t know.”

It’s quiet for a while before I reach for his hand and thread our fingers together. A shy smile lifts one side of his mouth and I want to kiss it so bad it hurts. He’s so damn cute.

“In a perfect world, where you could do anything, what would you do right now?”

Joey looks at our hands before he answers. “Cuddle.”

Hmmm…maybe…

Sliding my hand into my pocket, I pull out my phone and text Neal.

NICK:

What are you doing?

NEAL:

Jacking off, what’s it to you?

NICK:

Awfully quick response time for a jerk session.

NEAL:

What do you want?

I glance at Joey who’s watching me before telling my roommate to get lost.

“Back to the dorm, driver.” I buckle my seat belt, which sucks one-handed, but get it done while Joey watches me uneasily.

“What about your roommate?”

“I told him to fuck off for a few hours, so he left.” My phone pings and I glance quickly at it. “And he even sent me a picture to prove he left.” I chuckle and show Joey the image of Neal in the elevator.

The tension in Joey’s shoulders lessens for a split second before guilt mars his face.

“I’m sorry.” He shakes his head. “You deserve better than to be a dirty secret.”

I squeeze his hand and lift it so I can kiss the back of it. “You have a lot going on and coming out can be…a lot.”

“Why are you so…accommodating?” Joey demands, clearly irritated. Isn’t accommodating a good thing?

I turn in my seat as far as the seat belt will allow me to and look him in the eye. But he’s turned his head away from me and is chewing on his lip. Reaching for him, I turn his chin toward me and brush the pad of my thumb over his lip. There’s a glassy sheen of held-back tears over his eyes and it breaks my heart.

“I don’t know why you are so determined to keep me at arm’s length, but I respect your decision.” Dropping his hand, I cup his face with both of my hands. “You deserve good things, Joey.”

A tear slips slowly down his face, and I bring his forehead to mine. “Letting yourself be cared for doesn’t make you selfish. Wanting your own dreams doesn’t make you selfish. Wanting your family to figure their own shit out doesn’t make you selfish.”

He closes his eyes and sags into me, crying quietly on my shoulder while I hold him.

“Why am I so weak around you?” The words are mumbled into my shirt, but I hear them.

“Because it’s safe to. You know, somewhere in your head, that I’ve got you.” I kiss the side of his head, the only part I can reach, and run my hand down his back. “Everyone needs a person that’s safe.”

He lifts his head and I know his question before he says it out loud…

“Who’s your safe person?”

I wipe the moisture from his face before answering. Brent is as close as I have to a safe person, but not having him here with me makes it hard. When I don’t want to be alone, who do I call? No one.

I clear my throat and try to force a smile, but it’s not convincing. “My brother, Brent.”

“He’s in Washington, right?”

I nod, wishing I could teleport us to my dorm so I didn’t have to let him go, but Joey sits up and buckles his seat belt.

“Yeah, he stayed close to home.”

Is it home, though? I love my parents, they are amazing people, but…they never noticed when I needed them to.

Joey starts the car, then seems to hesitate for a minute before reaching for my hand to put on his leg. He doesn’t look at me, just nods his head, and pats my hand before pulling out of the space. I give his thigh a squeeze and sit back with a sense of contentment settling in my chest.

Once we get back to the dorms, we hurry into my room before anyone can see Joey and therefore need him for something. He breathes a sigh of relief when we get there and Neal isn’t around. As much as I want to lock the door, I’m pretty sure that would be more suspicious, so I don’t. The urge to hide him from the world is strong, though. He needs a break.

After stripping my hoodie off and changing into sweats, I sit back on my bed and turn my TV and Xbox on. Joey stands in the middle of the room looking awkward as fuck.

I raise an eyebrow at him. “Whatcha doing?”

He rocks back and forth a few times and shoves his hands in his pockets before he finally blurts out, “I don’t know how to be friends with you. I don’t know where to sit or how much touching is too much or⁠—”

“Joey.” My hard tone makes him stop rambling, hopefully stops the spiraling thoughts in his head. “Come here.”

As if on instinct, he walks to the bed and stops when it’s touching his legs but doesn’t climb on. He’s breathing too hard and there’s a crease between his eyebrows. My poor boy is locked in his head and fighting himself on what he wants versus what he thinks is okay.

Sitting up on my knees, I shuffle toward him and grab the front of his hoodie to jerk him into my space. “I have no limits on you touching me. I need touch. So sit on this fucking bed or wrap yourself around me like an octopus, I don’t care. Get out of your head and do what you want to for once.”

With his gaze locked on mine, he slowly lifts his hands to my cheeks, and leans down to press his lips to mine. His eyes don’t close, so I force mine to stay open too. He doesn’t deepen it, just a gentle press, hold, and release before he starts again. It rips my chest open to see him hesitant. Like he’s afraid I’ll take back what I said and push him away or demand more. There’s already too many people demanding too much of him. As much as I want him to be mine, I can’t have him. Not really.

Once again, someone who means the world to me doesn’t need me like I need them.

The thought steals my breath, aches in my bones, and despite knowing it’s going to hurt later, I reach for him. Sliding my hands under his shirt, he gasps into my mouth when my palms meet his flesh.

I need him to need me.

The contact doesn’t turn frenzied, or lust-driven. He’s hard and so am I, but neither of us move to take the step. I think we both just need this right now. The contact, the anchor into this moment where there isn’t sports or family or obligations.

This…whatever it is, was supposed to be easy. No feelings, just pleasure. Why did that have to change? Why did my heart decide that we couldn’t live without this man?

I slide my hands up his back and dig my fingertips into his muscles then drag them back down. He groans into the kiss and pulls back to lean his forehead against mine.

Joey’s eyes are shut now and his forehead is scrunched up like he’s confused or fighting something in his mind.

“What is it?” I whisper, nudging his nose with mine.

“I feel like I’m leading you on or taking advantage because I don’t know what I want. Everything you’ve offered me seems too good to be true and I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m waiting for you to get fed up with my crap or get taken from me.” He takes a deep breath and his shoulders sag in defeat. “I’m afraid of you.”

He’s so fucking perfect it hurts.

“Let me worry about me. I know you just need to be here, and that’s okay.” I grip his waist and bite at his chin to get a chuckle from him. I smile when it works. “You don’t owe me anything, Joey. You don’t have to be any certain way with me. Just be you.”

He runs his fingers through my hair, then pushes me back on the bed. I settle back against the pillow I’ve wadded up and watch him strip off his hoodie before laying down on top of me, shoving his face in the crook of my neck and sighing. His arms slide under me and he cocks one leg between mine. It’s really fucking comfortable and even though I planned to cuddle while watching a movie, a nap sounds perfect.

He settles and adjusts a little before his breathing evens out, and I find myself slipping into sleep too.