Chapter 18

18

Joey

Ishouldn’t be here with him.

He feels too good. Like that first gasp of oxygen when you’ve held your breath too long and your lungs are screaming for air. He’s a drug I’ve become addicted to and I can’t afford the distraction.

Nick stands with a confident smirk on his angular face. I’m weak right now, mentally, and he knows it, but I know he won’t take advantage. I can trust him.

I do trust him.

He covers my body with his, grasping my hand and intertwining our fingers together above my head as he kisses me. It’s slow and deep and everything I need right now. The salty flavor of myself on his tongue is sexy as fuck. How does he always know what I need? I can’t even anticipate my siblings’ needs and I grew up with them.

“Joey.” My name is a whisper on his breath, and I snap back to the present. Our foreheads are pressed together like he can create a world that’s just us. How true I wish that was. I would give my left nut to not be responsible for anyone but me. No siblings, no team. I love them, but the weight of them is so fucking heavy sometimes.

“Baby, are you with me?” His lips are a ghost on mine. “Nothing matters but me.”

He has no idea how true that statement is. It’s so hard to fight it. Even when he’s not around.

“Yes,” I mumble across his jaw.

“Good boy.”

The simple praise brings warmth to the frigid chunks of my heart that I shut the door on a long time ago. I don’t have time to want praise. I don’t have time for my own needs, only everyone else’s.

I can’t need him.

It hurts.

My chest constricts, not letting my lungs get enough air. I can’t do this. Not again. It’s been weeks of trying to get him out of my head and I’ve failed in every way.

“Nick. Wait. Stop.” There’s a panicked edge in my voice, a weakness that I despise, but he immediately freezes.

“What? What’s wrong?” He takes a step back and cups my cheek, searching my face for some clue as to what changed.

“I can’t do this, I’m sorry.” It hurts to talk around the knot in my throat and the tears pricking the backs of my eyes, but it has to be done.

It takes a few seconds but he steps back, wrapping a mask around himself as he gets his clothes situated again and shoves his hands into his pockets.

“Okay.” He looks at my shoes and nods. “I don’t know how to prove to you that I can handle your life, to prove that I understand your responsibilities, but when you’re ready to let me try, you know where to find me.”

Nick walks away, leaving me in the dingy alley with my dick out.

I don’t go back into the bar, but back to my room. I can’t fake it anymore and my buzz is fucked. I don’t say goodbye to anyone or let them know I’m leaving, I just bounce. It’s fucked up but I don’t have the mental energy for it.

With the door closed and the lights off, I strip down to my T-shirt and underwear and lay on my bed. But I don’t sleep. All I can do is stare at the ceiling and wish life was different. Wish my brother wasn’t an addict. Wish my mother would take responsibility for her own kids. Wish my sister could get away from it all too.

My phone buzzes and I sigh. This late, it can only mean one thing. Matt is in some kind of trouble. Why am I the one who’s called? There’s nothing I can do about it. I’m at school. Since I’m not sleeping, I pick up the stupid phone and check it. Char sent me a voice message which means one of two things: either she’s driving or emotional. Or both.

Hitting play, I hear my sister’s voice thick with tears and the rumble of road noise.

“Well, Matty is fucking drunk at work. Again. Why he hasn’t been fired is beyond me. And is it my fault? I brought his stumbling ass home and Mom starts in on me. Why aren’t I a better sister? How could I let him turn out like this? Why aren’t I helping him? It’s bullshit. He’s a grown-ass adult! I have my own fucking life!” She sucks in a shuttering breath. “I swear to God, I’m going to stop answering the phone. You should too. He needs to fall on his ass. He’ll never get better if we keep bailing him out.”

The weight on my shoulders pulls harder on me. Char doesn’t deserve to deal with all this shit. I’m failing everyone and I don’t know how to fix it. I’m hours away from home with no car but I have to find a way to get some of the pressure off her. She has a fiancé and a full-time job and is trying to live her life.

Instead of sending a message, I call her. She needs the connection.

“Yeah?” Her tear-laden voice cracks when she answers.

“Hey, I’m sorry you had to deal with Mom and Matt today.” I pinch the bridge of my nose and close my eyes. “Only a few more months and I’ll be back so they won’t call you all the time.”

She sniffles and I can picture her wiping her eyes. “You shouldn’t have to deal with it either. Don’t come back here.”

“I can’t abandon you like that. I’m coming back and you need to leave. Leave town, the state, whatever it takes. Go live your life.”

“What about you? Being back here will suck the life out of you. You barely escaped to go to college. Seriously, Joey, don’t come back.”

She doesn’t understand. I made a promise to Dad that I would take care of the family. I promised to be the man of the house.

“Don’t answer the phone when they call anymore. Ignore texts and voicemails. You should cut ties with them, for your own well-being.” It hurts my soul to say it, but I know it’s for the best. If Mom wants to baby Matt, she can do it herself.

“I can’t.” The choked words gut me. I hate that I can’t give her a hug right now.

“Are you back home?” I realize I don’t hear the road noise.

“Yeah, I just pulled into the driveway when you called.”

“Good. Go inside and hug Jack, then go to bed.” I sit up when I hear noise in the hallway outside my room. “Mom is wrong. You did nothing wrong and Matt’s choices have nothing to do with you.”

The door opens and Bryce comes in, looking at me with a lifted eyebrow.

“Love you, Joey.”

“I love you too.”

I end the call and wait. I know Bryce will have something to say. He always does.

“Why did you bounce?” he asks over his shoulder as he starts getting changed.

I shrug, knowing he can’t see it. “I just wanted the quiet.”

He turns and pins me with a look. “Riiiight.”

I put my phone back on the bedside table and rollover. I don’t have the energy for this.

Bryce doesn’t say anything else, just climbs into bed and is snoring in a frustratingly short amount of time. Yet here I am, staring at the stupid wall, wishing Nick was wrapped around me. It felt so good having him touch me. I miss him. Miss the peace he brings. Miss the way he takes care of me for a change.

A tear falls across my nose and down my opposite cheek onto the pillow.

Cutting him off completely isn’t working. Would I be able to handle being his friend? Who maybe gets cuddles . . . I miss hugs. And kisses.

And orgasms.

I haven’t been able to get myself off without thinking of him, and even then it’s maybe a fifty percent success rate.

Rolling back over, I reach for my phone.

“I thought I saw Nick tonight.” Bryce’s statement makes me freeze. When did he wake up?

“Okay?”

“Just thought it was interesting, is all.”

Interesting, my ass.

Pulling up my message thread with Nick, I finally open it. There’s several messages I haven’t read and I hate myself for it. Nick deserves better than to be ghosted.

NICK:

Are you okay?

We can still be friends without sex.

I miss you.

Seriously, please let me know that you’re okay.

Can we meet up for drinks or food or something?

My hands tremble as I type out my first message to him in weeks.

JOEY:

I’m sorry.

Immediately the dots pop up and I hold my breath.

NICK:

For what?

JOEY:

For being an asshole? For ghosting you when all you wanted was to make sure I was okay.

NICK:

Are you?

Okay I mean.

That damn knot is back in my throat again, making it ache. How does he still care? I don’t think I would.

JOEY

Total honesty? No.

The message goes through, Nick sees it, and the bubbles pop up then disappear. That’s not the response I expected. A boulder drops into my stomach and I force back the disappointment. I don’t know what I expected, but nothing was not it.

I turn off my screen and turn to put my phone back when there’s a sharp knock on the door. My head pops off the pillow to stare at it, excitement and hope trying to bloom in my chest.

“You expecting someone?” Bryce’s voice comes from his side of the room and I toss off the blanket, hustling for the door.

When I rip it open, Nick’s hand is raised to knock again. Our gazes lock for a long second before he’s pulling me against him in a tight hug. Fuck, I missed his hugs. I burrow my face into his neck and inhale the spicy, warm scent of vanilla, nutmeg, and amber that is Nick. The ache in my chest loosens and I sag into him, but he holds me up. I’m exhausted and just want to sleep next to him, but I can’t. There’s nowhere for us to do that and not have awkward questions. I don’t think Bryce would really care, but it’s not a conversation I want to have right now.

“You’re okay, sweet boy, I’ve got you.” The urge to sob into his warmth is almost more than I can take. All I’ve wanted since I was a child was for someone to see me, to want to take care of me. Does that make me weak?

Nick kisses my temple and I smile into his skin.

“Thank you,” I mumble against his throat.

“Can we talk for a bit?”

I nod and straighten up. Nick’s eyes travel down my body and he smirks when he gets to my legs. When I look down and realize I’m standing here in my underwear, my face heats. Shit.

“Hang on.” I hurry and grab some pants and a hoodie. “Do I need shoes?”

“Nah, we’ll stay in the building.”

“Jesus fucking Christ!” Bryce snaps. “Would you shut the fucking door? I’m trying to sleep!”

Oops.

“I’m going, calm your tits.”

Nick chuckles and moves to let me into the hallway. We take the stairs because that seems to be our thing, and stop partway down to sit.

My heart is fluttering in my rib cage.

“Listen,” I start once we’re sitting down next to each other on a step. “I can’t afford the distraction of a relationship.” I lean my elbows onto my knees and try to find the right words.

“Joey, look at me.” Nick waits until I turn to him. “I know. Your family asks a lot of you and your season isn’t over. I get it. I understand.”

Ever so slowly, Nick moves his hand toward mine, the back of his toward the back of mine, slowly dragging his finger between the veins of mine until he can hook one of my fingers with his. It’s cute as fuck and sweet. Makes me think of first loves and first kisses.

“I don’t know why or how you got under my skin as fast as you did, but I hate not talking to you,” I admit, wrapping my finger around his.

“Good.”

I laugh at his response, the weight on my shoulders a little lighter than it was an hour ago.

“If you don’t want a relationship, that’s fine. But when you need a hug, someone to vent to, or you need to fuck, call me.”

A blush heats my face again, both embarrassed and turned on. I got off earlier but he didn’t. It bothers me that he didn’t, and I want to fix it.

Releasing his finger, I place my hand on his knee and his eyes darken. His breathing deepens.

“Did you jack off after the bar?” I lean into him until our breaths become one.

Nick leans back on his elbows against the stairs behind him. “No.”

“Hmmm…” I want to touch him, to get lost in him again just for a few minutes. I move to kneel between his spread thighs with only my hands on his knees. “Can I?”

“Can you…what?” The lift of that one eyebrow tells me exactly what kind of mood he’s in and fuck if I don’t want it too.

I invade his space but don’t touch him anywhere else but his knees. It’s close though, so fucking close.

Dropping my chin, I look up at him and drag my lip, between my teeth. “Can I suck your cock, Daddy?”

His pupils blow wide and his next inhale is sharp, moving his entire body with the force of it.

“Fuck, you have the dirtiest, sweet mouth.” Nick’s thumb brushes along my lip then slides it inside. I suck on the rough digit, swirling my tongue around it and scraping my teeth over it while pulling on his pants. He lifts his hips and I get everything pushed down past his knees.

His cock pulses where it rests on his lower belly. The short dark hair at the base of his dick calls to me. I want to nuzzle it, bury my face in it, and breathe him in.

“Go ahead, pretty boy.” Nick pulls his finger from my mouth and I lean forward to inhale him. The smell of skin is so strong here, I want to roll around in it so he’s everywhere.

He cups the back of my head tenderly and when I look up at him, his expression has morphed into something soft. Nick watches me watch him for a minute before pulling on me. “Come ’ere.”

Crawling up his body until I’m straddling his lap, I expect him to kiss me, grind against me, but he doesn’t. Nick wraps his arms around me in a tight hug and just holds me. Chest to chest. I slide my arms under him, taking advantage of the space left by the steps, and hold him just as tightly.

“Are you okay?” I mumble against his neck after we’ve been sitting like this for a while. The metal edge of the stair must be digging into his back but he doesn’t complain or move.

“I am now,” he sighs, and the tension in his body melts away. I sink into his hold, his comfort, and just let him be in this moment. It’s hard to sit in this space and just be, knowing I can’t be what he clearly needs, but I can give him this. He gives me so much, cares too deeply, and giving him a hug is the least I can do.

I wish I could be what you need.