30. Maddy
Chapter 30
Maddy
I can see the pity in Sarra's eyes as soon as I walk into the workshop.
"It's okay," I tell her as she comes toward me. "I should have done what Martom did, huh?"
She hugs me, gentle around my shoulder, and it touches me that she remembered.
"Where did you go after?" she asks.
"Sigrun took me to the Gryphon's Nest."
She gasps. "Really? Why?"
"She wanted to ask me about what everyone had told her about the bear. I saw her val-tivar. "
"Tell me everything," Sarra says.
"Only if you have brandy."
"That bad?"
I smile at her. "Not all bad. Just… shocking." I let out a long breath. "The blackouts aren't terminal."
"Freya's cats, that's fantastic!" She beams at me, fisting her hands in front of her in excitement. I can't help hugging her again.
"I know."
"Did Sigrun cure you? I didn't know she could do that!"
I shake my head. "No. No, she said she knows if somebody has the mark of death, and I… don't."
Sarra's smile falters. "Then why were you told they would kill you?"
"Either they got it wrong, or they lied."
Sarra blinks at me, then turns. "I'll find some brandy."
By the time I've told her everything, I'm even more certain I've crossed a line with my parents that I can't uncross. Whether or not they knew, they gave up.
"Are you going to talk to Erik? I mean, it's great that you'll always wake up, but Sigrun's right that they might still kill you. Being a Valkyrie is too dangerous to randomly faint all the time."
"I know. I will talk to Erik, but I can't risk his finding out about my memory magic, and I'm certain that the two things are linked."
"You're worried that if the blackouts stop you'll lose access to your ice gallery?" she asks.
"Yes."
"Would it be worth giving it up? For your safety?"
It's too difficult a question to answer, and I shrug. "I don't know. I need to think about it more, I guess." Does it actually get me anywhere here? I don't know if I have anything on the people here, but even if I did, is blackmail—ruling by deceit and secrets—the way I want to live my life?
Recalling so much information helps me learn, but not fainting whilst in the air or underwater or climbing something is surely more important than being able to remember the exact recipe for a tincture to stop infection. Everybody else manages without it.
I glance down at the pouch at my side. If we get into the records room, I'd need my magic to memorize all the information we find there. No one else could do that without taking the actual piece of paper with them. Part of me is pretty sure that's why Featherblade chose to show the vault to me. Because Featherblade knows I, and nobody else, can do it.
"I kind of stole from Sigrun," I admit, and knock back the rest of my brandy.
"What?"
"There were some keys on the side, and I assumed they're for the other rooms in the Gryphon's Nest and took them."
"Why would you do that?"
"She just told me that I wasn't going die and that my whole life has been a lie."
"You don't know that they were lying to you."
"I've still lived a lie. Kain is honest."
"So you stole the keys for him?" There's mild horror in her voice, and I shake my head .
"No. Featherblade is showing me the vault for a reason. I think there's something in there for me, that only I can get to."
"Then you have to make a deal with him," she says.
I look at her in surprise. "So now you think I should do it?"
She snorts. "Abso-fucking-lutely not, but I know you're going to."
She's right. Kain knows it too. He's known it for ages.
"He said he's been here for two hundred years and explored every inch of Featherblade, and he's never seen that vault. The cells let me in to talk to him, and then they led me straight to that door. Featherblade wants me in there."
"Then you have to make sure that if he gets whatever he wants from inside, he's not going to hurt anybody. You have to take control."
"Control?" I gape at her. "Control of Kain? I just watched him scare the ever-living shit out of my father. Trust me when I tell you nobody can control Kain," I say.
"Do you have anything he wants other than access to the vault?" she asks.
I pause. "Yes. I think I have the secret that my family promised him. I don't know what it is, but I'm assuming it must be in the gallery somewhere if my parents offered it up. But he can't know about my memory magic, or he'd have complete control of me."
She lets out a sigh. "Well, try to come up with something you can use to barter with him."
I nod. She's right .
"Brynhild says I have to do ice magic training with her," I say after a long silence.
"Brynhild's right. You can't lose control like that again," she says.
"I know."
"I really hoped to see your bear today," Sarra says quietly, after another long silence.
Disappointment rolls through me. "Me too. Maybe she only shows up when my life is in danger. Loss of dignity is not a strong enough motivation."
"I think when you get more control, you'll be able to call her. You just have to get better at magic. Lessons with Brynhild will help, I'm sure, but it's only Friday today, and you don't practice magic until Tuesday." Sarra gives me a look, and I groan because I know what she's going to say before she says it. "You should go and ask her for one-on-one lessons before then."
"She hates me," I say.
"You've asked Valdis and Harald for help getting stronger, and you're spending most of your spare time building shields and running laps and lifting weights. Why would you ignore the most important advantage you're now being given?"
"I would ignore it because she's an absolute witch," I grumble. "Nobody in the whole of Featherblade has made me feel as small as her. Orgid and Inga can be as unpleasant as they like, but I didn't respect them in the first place, so they don't hold enough power over me to make me feel like shit. Brynhild, on the other hand, I've admired since I was a child, and she humiliated me. "
"She's the only one who can help you control the ice magic." Sarra shrugs matter-of-factly, reminding me of Freydis.
"Fine." I sigh. "What do I do about my sister?" I ask, now that she's in my mind.
Sarra's hard look softens, and she squeezes my arm. "It'll take time, but she will come around."
"I don't know that she will. I've never seen her like that."
"Don't give up, Maddy."
Don't give up. That seems to be the mantra of today.