Chapter Seventeen | Noah

Liam rubbed my back from his place seated beside me. The meeting of the Salish Sea Society was underway, and all attention had been turned on me.

"Tell us what happened," Liam said. "All of it, Noah."

I'd had time to think about why Brody wasn't responding to me. The first text I sent to him indicated it had been read. I'd sent the message missing you to him and he hadn't responded.

That could only mean one thing.

I'd fucked up this morning by telling him I loved him.

"We had an amazing time last night all things considered." I stared at my drink. Not wanting to make eye contact with any one of them. To witness the sorrow about to emerge on their faces.

They let me speak. "It was one of my parents' galas, so he had to witness all of that. But we had fun with Sean and Frances. Brody was happy when we climbed back into the limo."

I twirled my drink. "We had the most amazing sex. Twice last night and then again, this morning. This morning was different, though. He was facing me. I could watch his eyes."

I sighed. "I thought I saw something there. Something I've been feeling lately."

Ethan gasped. "Oh, no … you didn't do it."

I nodded. "Right in the middle of him fucking me, I told him I loved him."

Owen patted my shoulder. "Noah, buddy. Cardinal rule. "

"I know. I know. I couldn't stop it. I could feel it in my bones, and I thought he felt it too. We were both crying. The sex was fucking transcendent. It felt like our souls connected. I said it to him, that I loved him, but he didn't say it back. Just kissed me like he never wanted to let me go."

"Fuck." Liam stood and came around behind my chair. He massaged my shoulders and my neck and kissed the top of my head.

"And now he's not texting you back," Owen clarified.

"I texted that I missed him … and nothing." I looked at my phone. "The next message shows as delivered but not read. He's not even reading my texts. He's probably blocked me."

"Don't get dramatic … yet," Ethan said. "Have you tried calling him?"

"No." I frowned at my phone as I opened Brody's contact and pressed call . Five rings and then straight to voicemail. I didn't leave a message. "He's not taking my calls either."

"I think you might have jumped the gun," Owen said.

"Doesn't matter." I shook my head. "I'm not good for him anyway. He's clear-thinking and organized and I'm just a mess. I can't even get this pub in working order."

"So, you think it's over?" Ethan asked.

"I told him I love him, and he bolted. So yeah. Pretty sure that's the end of it." I downed my drink. "I'm not doing this relationship shit again. I'm going back to straight fucking."

Liam patted my shoulder and returned to his seat. "I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, but I'm glad to have you back on team fuck around . Get over him by getting under someone else."

I tried to smile at Liam, but it came out weak. "I'll need some time first."

Owen stood and gave me an awkward hug with me still seated.

"Take all the time you need," he whispered into my hair .

It did feel better after talking to the guys. We carried on our conversation. Ethan's guy still hadn't shown up at the coffee shop again. Owen was still sworn off dating. And Liam was keeping his dick wet in every available male hole in the city. I listened and laughed at the appropriate times, but my heart wasn't in it. I'd never felt the deep intensity of love I had for Brody before.

It was all-consuming.

I went home after closing. My apartment felt empty and cold. Brody's home had been filled with love and a snuggly warmth. I loved all his animals. And I loved him.

Getting over Brody was going to be brutal. My heart was in shreds, and I honestly couldn't see the day that it wouldn't feel that way. I climbed into bed and cried; my sleep fitful.

Every time I opened my eyes; they'd fill with tears again.

I hauled my ass to the pub the next day. Tried to stay distracted by my work. The ploy would succeed for a few moments. One pour of a drink. A few lines read on a spreadsheet. A discussion with my manager Maddy. Then Brody would come crashing back into my mind.

I went home early. Not even making it much past the dinner rush. I was out of there by 7 pm. Tonight's night manager Carl had told me to go home. That he could handle everything.

Again. My apartment. Empty and cold.

My phone dinged. It was my mother.

Mother: We're downtown. Can we stop in and see you at your pub?

Me: I'm not there. I'm at home.

Mother: Are you sick?

Me: No. Just tired .

Mother: We'll be there in a few minutes.

Me: No, please don't.

No answer. Not until my intercom buzzed. I pressed the button.

"Not a good time, Mother."

"Don't be ridiculous. Let us in."

Fuck.

I pushed '9' to let them in.

What the hell do they want? I was hoping to spend the night in bed, wallowing in the intense pain my heart was going through. Replaying every smile Brody had ever given me.

I opened my door and ushered my parents inside to the living room.

"What were you doing downtown?" I sat in a Swedish ergonomic creation that my mother had helped me choose when decorating my apartment. It was as uncomfortable as fuck.

"We had an early dinner," my father said.

"You could have come into my pub for dinner."

My mother waved her hand around. "We wanted seafood."

"We have seafood, Mother."

"Yes … well."

I grunted. The number of times in my life I'd been yes … welled by my mother was beyond counting. It was her favourite phrase when it came to anything I had to say.

My mother's eyes scanned the living room.

"Does Brody not have any things?" She stood and started walking around the room.

Shit . The narrative I'd spun was that Brody was supposed to be living with me. We'd only seen my parents two nights ago. Even if I told them Brody and I had split up, one wouldn't expect that the other person's entire lifetime of belongings would be out of the apartment so soon.

She stared at me. "Where is Brody, Noah?"

"He's at work. He always works late."

My mother furrowed her brow at me. She didn't believe me. "What have you done?"

I threw up my hands. "I haven't done anything."

"Noah," my father's voice came at me sternly.

I slumped back in my chair. "Fine. Fine." I covered my face, trying to collect my thoughts. "Brody's not my partner. We don't live together. We're not talking about getting married."

"You lied to us?" I uncovered my face in time to see my mother cross her arms.

Fuck . Despite our differences, I didn't like that I'd hurt her. "You're always hassling me about having a serious relationship in my life. I thought I'd give you that for a while."

"Then who is he? Is he one of those escorts like last time?" This question came from my father. I hadn't realized they'd figured out that my date to last year's gala had essentially been a sex worker. And we'd certainly had sex afterward. Hollow, empty sex. Nothing like with Brody.

"No. Brody was my boyfriend."

My mother stepped toward me. "Was? What did you do wrong?"

"Why do you assume I did something wrong?"

My mother sighed and tipped her head. "What did you do, Noah?"

I felt like screaming. I didn't want to hash this out with a woman who I was doubtful had ever felt love for anyone other than herself. I decided to spit it out at her anyway.

"I told him I love him."

She didn't speak and her eyes softened. "I'm so sorry, Noah. "

You could have blown me over with the slight draft required to extinguish a match. My mother had never looked at me like this before. Like she was sad for me.

"He didn't feel the same?" she asked.

I shook my head. "He's ghosted me."

"You've never been in love before, have you?"

Again, I shook my head.

"Love can hurt," my father said. "Your mother was slow to love me back."

"No, dear … I was slow to show it. I still struggle." I caught a brief something in her eyes I had never seen before. "So do you, Frederick."

My father nodded. "What your mother is hinting at is that we love you and want the best for you and your siblings. Sometimes we have trouble showing that."

"It hurts us to know your love for that young man wasn't returned," my mother added.

I swallowed. It felt uncomfortable for my parents to be speaking to me this way. They hadn't even hugged us as kids. I wasn't sure where this change in attitude was coming from.

I needed to change the subject.

"Why are you here?"

My father pulled his coat to the side and reached into a pocket inside his suit jacket. He withdrew his wallet and opened it. "Your mother mentioned … but, I read in the news that some computers were stolen from that centre you like so much. The gay one."

"It's an LGBTQ youth centre."

"Quite." My father pulled out what looked like a cheque. I went from sitting in my living room straight into the twilight zone. What on earth is happening?

"We want to buy two computers for them," my mother stated. My father rose to his feet and handed me the cheque. My emotions were already on the brink of breaking free, but this unexpected kindness from my parents of all people pushed me over the edge.

I could barely see the cheque through the tears collecting in my eyes and spilling down my cheeks. My father's blurred writing appeared to read $5000.

I looked up at him and then my mother. "Thank you. You have no idea how much this is going to help us. Those kids need those computers for their homework and the tutoring we provide."

"They really have nothing?" my mother asked.

"Many of them are homeless, Mother. Their families threw them out when they came out as gay or bisexual … or transgender. Or any number of other queer identities."

My mother frowned. "That is the most despicable thing I've ever heard. When you told us you were gay, we had to take a moment. We were concerned you were going to make life hard for yourself. We never would have even entertained the idea of abandoning you. And believe me, some of our acquaintances suggested we do exactly that."

"They're no longer in our circle," my father added.

"Anyway." My mother clapped her hands together. "Enough of these heavy topics." She walked forward and petted my hair. "Know we're here for you if you need us."

I wiped the dampness from my face and nodded.

"Thank you."

After my parents left, I stretched out on my couch, a cushion under my head, and phoned Liam. He wasn't working tonight, and it was too early in the evening for one of his hookups.

"How are you holding up," he answered.

"I just had the strangest conversation with my parents."

"How so? "

"Turns out they're human. Used the l-word on me for the first time in their lives and then pulled a cheque out of who knows where to buy computers for the centre."

"Wow."

"They were sad for me, Liam, that things didn't work out with Brody. Talked about how love can be painful and hinted to me that they love each other."

"Goes to show that you never have any idea what parents have going on in their private lives. It's nice to hear they're not total monsters."

"I had set my evening aside for a night of crying when they showed up."

"Jeez, Noah, I'm sorry this is hurting you so much."

"I love him, Liam. Like really fucking love him. And I thought he loved me too. The tears. The look in his eyes. The way he was making love to me. So gentle and deliberate."

"Loving," Liam added. "Are you sure he doesn't love you? Maybe that's what scared him. He's in love with you and doesn't know how to deal with his feelings."

I sat up. "But it's me. He trusts me." I switched my phone to my other ear. "We belong to one another. We've said as much. He's mine and I'm his."

"Then maybe you need to fight for him."

I lay back down. "How do I do that?"

"I think you should give him half a second to breathe first."

"What if he decides he doesn't want to have me back in his life?"

"Then it wasn't meant to be. But like I said. Give him a second. If he loves you, he might have a lot to sort out in his head. Give him a chance to catch up and then go after him."

"I'm not sure I'm brave enough. What if he turns me down? "

"Then I'll hold you while you cry. At least you'll know the truth and won't be wondering if the man you love ever loved you back. There are few things worse in life than uncertainty."

I was tired. "I'm going to go cry now."

"I'll leave you to it unless you want me to come over. I was serious about you crying on me part. I can ditch tonight's hookup and be there in fifteen minutes."

"Nah. I think I want to be alone. Thanks, though. Love you."

"Love you too."

I set my phone on my chest after disconnecting the call. Spiralling, I imagined that Brody had found me deficient in some way. That having sex with me was a way to—

Stop it.

Our very essence had entwined yesterday morning. Brody had kissed me with more emotion than he ever had before. Maybe that was his way of saying he loved me too.

Then why ghost me?

Liam was right, I needed to give Brody some time.

I scrolled through my text messages. Jamal wanted to do the fundraiser next Tuesday. Slightly short notice but I could make it work. I could design and print some posters tomorrow.

I let Jamal know that the plan was all good.

Feeling cried out, I slept. Dreamed of Brody.

But I slept.