Chapter Sixteen | Brody

I didn't want to open the door, but I knew I didn't have a choice. If I didn't open it, Ricky was going to keep phoning and texting me until I did. Not sure why he chose tonight to infiltrate the serenity of my home but that was the thing about Ricky. He had a way of surprising me.

I pulled open the door. "What do you want?"

Ricky looked me up and down. "Are you going to let me in?"

I grunted and stepped aside. Again, no point in being confrontational with him. I hadn't seen him in almost two years, but he was still able to make me buckle to his whims.

I had other things on my mind. I didn't need this unwelcome intrusion. Noah had told me he loved me this morning. And I'd choked. Not able to voice what was in my heart.

That I loved him too.

I hoped he had felt it when I kissed him.

I looked at the time on my phone. I was meant to be leaving for the pub in the next few minutes. I opened the texting app and brought up my thread with Noah.

I'd need to tell him I was going to be late.

Ricky snapped my phone out of my hand and stepped away from me. His eyebrows rose as he scrolled through the thread. "Who's this Noah? Your latest victim?"

"Fuck off!" I surged at him, grappling with Ricky's hold on my phone. "Give me my damned phone back ... you fucking asshole." It wasn't like me to swear but Ricky brought out the worst in me. Not sure why we stayed together for the entirety of those seven months.

I had trusted Ricky and he had torn me to pieces.

Now I was trusting Noah.

And his words.

My chest ached and my pulse escalated, sounding like machinegun fire in my head. I started to tingle all over. Either I was headed for a panic attack, or I was about to have a meltdown.

"Does he know how cold you can be?"

"I'm not." I wasn't. Not with Noah.

I controlled my breathing, deescalating.

"How you get so wrapped up in your own thoughts, you don't have time for anything anyone else is feeling? Does he know that about you? Are you going to put him through that?"

Ricky handed me my phone.

"Are you going to promise to love him and then close yourself off to him?" He stared at me. "Are you going to do that, Brody? Are you going to ruin someone else's life?"

I shook my head to clear my thoughts. What Ricky was saying … his words were colliding with what I remembered like an army of freight trains that weren't designed to couple.

Was I really that monster?

Had I hurt Ricky?

"No," I shouted. "You cheated on me. You never loved me."

"I told you why I cheated on you." Ricky wandered toward me and placed his hand on my chest. "I loved you, but you weren't capable of truly loving me back. I felt so alone."

"You said you only stayed with me for the sex and because I had a nice apartment."

"I was hurting. You hurt me … I wanted to hurt you back. "

I pinched my eyes closed against the tears forming. I gave my head another shake. No. No, it hadn't been my fault. I snapped my eyes open. "Why are you here?"

Ricky sighed. "As usual, you don't want to talk about it." He patted my chest and moved away. "I just wanted to see you. Make sure you're doing all right."

He pointed at my phone. "This guy … this Noah. Don't hurt him like you hurt me."

"I would never hurt Noah."

"You say that. And then you'll lock yourself behind that shield of yours."

It wasn't true. It couldn't be true.

My phone dinged.

Noah: Missing you.

I swallowed hard. If Ricky was telling the truth about his feelings and the way I had treated him, I didn't deserve someone as special as Noah. I deserved to be alone. I loved Noah on a level I had never loved Ricky. I would never want to do anything to hurt him.

I ignored the text and stuffed my phone in my pocket.

He was better off without me.

An hour after Ricky left, my phone dinged again. I knew it was Noah. I didn't read the message. Just deleted the entire thread. I almost deleted his contact info.

Almost.

I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I headed for my bedroom, Bentley tripping along behind me, and crawled onto my bed. I buried my face into the pillow Noah had been sleeping on. I could still smell him.

I lay there quietly inhaling, soaking the pillowcase with more tears than I had shed in my entire life. I hadn't even cried when I found out about my dad and his other family .

My phone lit up and sang out with the special ring I had for my mom.

I sniffed and sighed.

I needed my mom.

I didn't speak when I answered. When I did that, Mom knew something was up.

"What happened?"

I shuddered through a breath. "Am I a horrible person?"

"What? Brody, no. Why would you say that?"

"I feel like I might be." I wasn't going to tell her that Ricky had been over and what he'd said. How he'd made me question everything. She'd talk me out of it. Deny that the things Ricky said might be true. I couldn't risk them being true when it came to Noah.

I loved him too much.

"Where is this coming from?" she asked.

"I've been thinking."

"Did something happen with Noah?"

I shook my head. "I don't want to talk about him."

"Oh … Brody, I'm so sorry. Did it not work out?"

I erupted in tears. "Mom, please … I don't want to talk about Noah."

"My sweet boy. You've got such a tender heart."

I couldn't hold back.

"It hurts, Mom." I wiped a mess of salty tears off my cheek.

"You love him."

"So much."

"Does he know?"

"It doesn't matter. It won't work." I'd end up hurting him. "Did you ever love Dad?"

"Of course, I did."

"Did you know he was cheating on you?"

"Was Noah cheating on you? "

"No, Mom. No. Noah would never do that."

Mom sighed. "I knew your dad was cheating on me. I had no idea he had a whole other life until you were six. That he had another home with his mistress and their children."

"Why did you think it was better to lie to us?" I'd been meaning to have this conversation my entire adult life. Walking away from Noah, the man I loved, had brought it to the forefront.

"We wanted you and your brother to have a normal life."

I tensed and sat up. "It wasn't normal, Mom. It wasn't anywhere near normal."

"It was a mistake. A mistake I wish I could take back."

"It's fucked me up, Mom. I don't trust anyone. It has to be hard-earned."

"Do you trust Noah?"

"I gave him my entire heart to hold. Of course, I trust him."

"Are you sure it won't work with him?"

"I don't want to hurt him, Mom."

"You're not a horrible person."

I jammed my hand into my hair, tears streaming, ready to scream, and put my fist through a wall. The possibility that I was defective when it came to love was too debatable to take a chance.

"I'm done talking about this."

"I love you, Brody. Phone me if you decide you need to talk more."

"Love you too." I disconnected the call and tossed my phone onto the bed. I gathered Noah's pillow up again, holding it to my chest and crushing it against my nose.

I had never expected to ever love this hard.

It was because I loved him that I was letting him go .

I patted the bed and Bentley jumped up and curled into a ball at the foot. I lay down, still clutching Noah's pillow, dug my feet into Bentley's side, and cried myself to sleep.