Chapter 8

CHAPTER 8

The vampire who emerged from the gloom wasn't like the poised, suit-wearing clones Princess Daisy had sent from Vampire Mansion. This one—and the two who emerged behind him—wore ragged, mismatched clothes, and tattered, torn boots missing their laces. Small ladders of hooped earrings climbed their ears. Spiked chains hung around their necks. They didn't seem to carry weapons, but knowing what Reynard was capable of, I figured this trio probably didn't need them. They didn't look much older than Zee and me either, but vampires were often far older than their appearance suggested.

"I'm guessing these guys don't use Reynard's tailor," Zee mumbled out the side of his mouth.

Jim shot to his feet. "No trouble now, eh Ingo? We're all bros."

"Yeah, no," Zee straightened to his full height. "I ain't no bro of fang fuckers." His wings shimmered into sight, purple sparks raining. He gave them a flick, then rocked his head left to right, popping the muscles in his neck. "You guys lookin' to party? "

As I was now the only one sitting, I got to my feet and tried to project threatening vibes. Unfortunately, standing next to Zee, I looked like his demon bait. Which had originally been the whole point, but lately, boring and forgettable didn't seem to be working so well.

The lead vampire raked his glare head to toe over Zee. "You think you can take three of us, demon?"

"Oh, baby." Zee's smile revealed the sharp points of his teeth. "A ménage à trois ? You fuckin' tease."

I stepped forward. "Wait, please. We just want to know where the pixie came from, that's all. This doesn't need to get messy." I laid a hand on Zee's arm. "Does it, Zee?"

Zee glanced over, then back at the vampires. "What he said, I guess."

"What the fuck is this? You let your twink bait talk for you, demon?"

Zee kept his lips firmly closed, but I could see his thoughts broiling behind his brightening eyes, and how his tail lashed. He knew how to take a few verbal blows.

"Remember, we're here to find out about Little Jimmy, and maybe get rid of the gremlins. Let's not make a scene," I suggested.

"I don't see a leash," Ingo tittered, swaggering forward. "Do you bark for the twink too, doggy? Woof woof ."

Zee's eyes narrowed and he muttered, "Lemme fuck 'em up."

"The pixie..." I stepped forward, deliberately putting myself in front of Zee. "Why was he in the tin?"

"Why should I tell you shit, human?" Ingo snarled down at me. "You're not welcome round 'ere with your fancy clothes and stupid hair."

What was wrong with my hair? Why did everyone pick on my hair? I looked down at my plain clothes. In a green T-shirt and sandy pants, I couldn't have dressed any plainer .

"Leave Adam's hair out of this," Zee growled.

I patted the bouncy curls on top of my head. I liked my hair.

The campfire between us and the vampires spat and hissed.

"C'mon now, friends. Everyone," Jim said, trying to placate a whole lot of rising tension. "Let's all sit and talk. I got weed. You guys want weed?"

"Shut up and back off, Jim," Ingo warned. "We know where you live, eh? Go back to your van and look the other way, like the good little fairy you are."

Jim gulped, dropped his head, and shuffled back toward the front of his van.

"Can I fuck 'em up now ?" Zee asked, louder.

It was definitely heading that way. I sighed. "It would be wrong of me not to warn you. If you continue with the aggression, we'll be left with no choice but to force the answers out of you, and while Zee doesn't look dangerous, he's probably one of the most powerful demons this side of the veil. And then there's me... You really, really don't want to see my bad side."

Ingo curled his top lip. "Is this some fucking joke? A demon and his twink bait think they can waltz into my back yard and demand answers of me ?"

"We weren't demanding," I sighed. "Just asking."

"Go on then, human." Ingo vampire-beckoned with both hands. "You want to mess me up? Have at it."

"Adam?" Zee asked, arching an eyebrow. "Vampire sushi?"

I didn't want to fight. Really, I didn't. But also... I kinda did.

I'd begun the day learning that my vampire lover had left, while also discovering a goo portal in my room, and I didn't have enough money to stop the gremlins from eating the hotel. And somehow, the day had gotten worse since then.

Some mindless violence would cheer me up.

There weren't any cameras here. Just us, Jim, and three vampires who were about to learn a valuable lesson—never underestimate the smallest person in the room.

Ingo snickered, taking my hesitation for surrender. "You are out of your depth, human. This is my town you took a wrong turn into, and I'm feeling all kinds of hungry. I can smell your blood. Smells weak. Smells like my next meal."

Ingo probably didn't expect me to smile.

"Oh, you gonna get dead," Zee said, head tilted.

Ingo's vampire eyes widened, then narrowed. He bared his fangs in a hiss, and lunged.

I grabbed him by the neck, spun, and slammed him into the ground. He hadn't moved fast—not like Reynard could. Maybe Ingo didn't have Reynard's speed, or maybe he'd mistakenly thought that taking me out would be a walk in the park. The flash of fear in his eyes suggested he might be about to regret that error.

"What the—" He clutched at my arm, trying to pry me off, and found my grip rigid as steel. "How?"

A glance over my shoulder revealed Zee dancing with the remaining two vampires, using his tail and wings to whip up a violent whirlwind of claws and punches.

"Uh, so... alright. Let's talk about the pixie?" Ingo suggested. "What do you wanna know? Huh? I'll tell yah."

"We could talk." I studied his face and its little ticks of fear. Sweat beaded at his hairline. "Not so long ago I killed an ancient, powerful vampire. A duke, in fact. Do you want to know how I did it?"

His throat moved as he gulped. "I'm sorry. I got you all wrong. Thought you were human?—"

"And that makes it okay? You go around threatening to murder humans and drink their blood? You think that's your right?"

"I mean... I am a vampire, so... it's kinda what we do." He bared his fangs. "Grr?"

Yeah, I wasn't believing Ingo's whimpering nonsense. This was his back yard, and there was no doubt he'd killed to keep it that way. "I took the duke's head in my hands..." I cupped the side of Ingo's head in my left hand, keeping my right clamped around his neck. "And I squeezed... Do you know what happened?"

Ingo gulped.

"It popped, like an overripe melon. But that wasn't enough, you see. I needed him to disappear. It's difficult to make a whole vampire corpse disappear. Do you know what I did?"

"No." Ingo trembled.

"Take a guess?" Trapped inside, chained under layers of glamor and the curse, the real me shifted—realigning, waking up, stretching to the surface now it scented blood and violence.

I leaned down, putting my mouth close to Ingo's ear, and whispered, "I ate him."

Ingo panted, breathing so hard that his whole body had gotten in on the act.

"It's not easy, and it's super messy. But no body, no murder. Who is going to suspect little old me?"

"P-please?" Ingo stuttered. "I'll tell you anything you wanna know. You wanna know about the pixie? The stupid vermin attacked Armin."

That was new information. "Who's Armin?"

"He's royal security. Works the mansion. Comes by here sometimes to gamble on the fights."

"Can you take us to Armin?"

"I uh . . . I don't know. That's like . . . That's like next level, top-tier royalty shit."

"Then I guess you're of no use to me." I massaged his skull, getting my fingers right in there to muss up his hair, finding the perfect position to dig my fingers in. "The human skull—vampire skull too, since you started out human—is made up of plates that fuse as they get older. I just have to find the right angle. Find the weak points, you know?"

One of the other vampires flew overhead and hit a tree. I glanced over at Zee who had the third vampire pinned under his boot. "You good?"

He grinned and gave me a thumbs up. "Fucking great! You?"

I mirrored his thumbs up with one of my own, then clamped onto Ingo's skull again, keeping hold of his neck the entire time.

"Awesome."

The vampire he'd flung away lunged back at him.

"Help!" Ingo screamed, seeing his chance. "Get this psycho off me!"

Zee's pair of vampires perked up, responding like dogs to a whistle. The one nearest me turned toward us.

Oh dear. "Call him off or you both die, and I really don't want to get messy."

Ingo clamped his mouth shut and shook his head.

Why did nobody listen to my warnings? Even now, he still thought he had a chance. "This will end badly for you."

Another shake.

I already had him pinned, and he knew I was a whole lot stronger than him, but he still refused to surrender. "You're not leaving me much choice."

Another shake.

"Gah!" Zee barked.

I twisted, and spotted how Zee's vampire had hold of Zee's leg, trying to sink its fangs into his shin .

The vampire moving closer hunkered and leaped.

Was it unfair to tease them? Maybe.

I rolled off Ingo, escaping the incoming vampire who landed in my place and slammed Ingo back into the dirt. They tumbled together, until I got hold of Ingo's subordinate by the neck and with a quick wrist flick, snapped his spine. But vampires don't die like normal people. A broken neck wouldn't kill him. It would keep him busy, while I leveled my sights on Ingo once more.

"Wait, no, no!" He scrabbled backwards on his ass and bumped against Jim's van, rocking it.

This time, when I got hold of his neck, I hauled him into the air and slammed him against the van's panel, feet off the floor.

"Please, don't hurt me. I'm just a poor vampire!"

"Do you need sympathy?" Zee piped up in a sing-song tone behind my right shoulder.

Ingo panted, then asked, "Because I'm easy come?—"

"Easy go?"

What was this? "What is happening right now?"

"We're vibing," Zee said, shaking his wings free of dirt and dust, and stopping at my side. He shrugged. "But it's fine, you can kill him now. Poke out his eyes. Maybe eat his dick? Get your murder on. I'll wait."

"Poke out his . . . ?" That was actually a good idea.

Ingo panicked. "Why would you tell him those things?!"

Zee shrugged again. "It's gotta be better than having your balls ripped off, right?"

"My . . . balls?" Ingo cried.

Zee patted my shoulder. "You got time. Mine's out cold, the other one is rolling around with a broken neck, and Jim's pretending we won't notice him huddled in the van's front seat. No cameras, no witnesses. Do your worst. "

"Stop him," Ingo begged Zee. "I got it wrong. I'm sorry. I fucked up. I'll be your bitch."

Zee leaned in, his face in my peripheral vision. "I already got a vampire bitch. What do I need you for?"

Ingo's bottom lip quivered. "You have?"

I doubted Reynard would consider himself Zee's bitch.

Ingo's terrified eyes landed on me. "I'll be your bitch then?"

"That position is already taken by the same vampire. Sorry. You sort of have to die now. It's not personal. But you've seen what I can do, and you were rude. Plus, I gave you loads of chances?—"

"So many chances," Zee sighed, then picked bits of vampire blood out from under his nails.

"So, you see, you just have to die now."

"Wait, wait! I know about the pixie!"

Zee rolled his eyes. "Now he knows. Surprise, surprise."

I dropped Ingo and backed up beside Zee. "Talk."

Rubbing his throat, Ingo peered up at us from his knees. "The pixie was trapped in the tin after Armin took its family."

"That is such a fucking vampire thing to do," Zee remarked.

"Took them? Why?" I asked, fearing I already knew the answer.

"As a gift for our queen."

"Oh, here we fucking go again." Zee launched into the dramatics and paced, with his wings flared and arms waving. "This Armand fucker stole Jimmy's family for a gift! Where have we heard that before?"

"Armin," I corrected.

"Whatever. He's stealing pixie people and giving them to Princess Buffy's mom."

"Daisy."

"Whatever. And lo and fucking behold, it lands at our feet, where Adam Vex will go all gooey eyed for Little Jimmy's plight, and I'll have to march over to Vampire Mansion to save Jimmy's family because all vampires are assholes and somebody needs to put a stop to their bullshit."

I hadn't said any of that, but the more I thought about it, the more it seemed like a plan. With only one problem.

Ingo knew about it.

He caught my gaze, understood what it meant, and opened his mouth to scream or beg or maybe just cry.

"Sorry," I said, then crushed his skull like an egg.

"Holy fucking macaroni and cheese." Zee froze, wings back, and blinked.

"What?" I plucked my messy hands back and flicked bits of brain gloop from my fingers. "What is it?"

He made crushing motions with his fingers. "You. You just . . . with the . . . squish."

"Oh. Right." I wiped my hands on a patch of nearby grass. "He kind of had to die though, right? I mean, the murdering had to happen. He'd have warned the vampires we're on to them."

"Uh-huh. Yeah. Yup. I just... Fuck. I think I just fell in love with you all over again."

"Aw, that's sweet." I picked brain matter from under my nails.

The vampire with the broken neck groaned, drawing our attention. "What about them?" Zee asked.

"Yours is still out cold, and mine..." Mine flopped around on the floor like a fish out of water. "I don't think he saw much."

"What about Jim?" Zee asked.

Oh no. I really did not want to hurt Junk Jim. He was nice. But leaving witnesses was always a mistake.

"I'll talk to him," Zee offered. "It'll be fine. Watch." He marched to the front passenger's door and opened it .

"I didn't see anything!" Jim squawked. "Nothing at all!"

"Good." Zee leaned on the open door, casually looming. "Because if you did, we'd have to come after you, and you've seen what happens to the folks on Adam's Bad People list, right?"

Junk Jim collapsed out of the van, into Zee's arms. Passed out cold. "Yeah, he's not gonna talk." Zee shoved him back into the front seat. "And what's to tell? A boring human exploded a vampire skull? Pfft, sounds crazy. Didn't happen." Zee slammed the van door, then eyed the headless vampire corpse slumped on the ground at my feet. "What do you wanna do about the body?"

"You hungry?" I asked.