Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1

The day began well. Unsurprisingly, it did not end that way.

After the breakfast service was over, I found Zee in the lounge, flirting with some giggly guests.

Yesterday, after waking from a Tom Collins induced coma on Reynard's bed, he'd sulked for much of the day. Not only had he missed the once in a lifetime chance of seeing Reynard laugh, as alarming and disturbing as it had been, he'd also missed Sebastien's ominous warning about his two new friends—Princess Daisy and Gideon Cain.

But today he had the guests, two gargoyles and a fae, snorting with laughter. An odd trio, but who was I to judge? I had an incubus demon on one metaphorical arm, and Vampire Daddy on the other. Although, my companions still had a long way to go before we became a throuple, especially as Victor now knew who and what I was.

And Zee didn't.

I really needed to speak with him.

The Talk was overdue.

Zee delivered the punchline to a fantastical joke, hands and wings waving, horns bobbing—even his tail got involved with the show—and the fae laughed so hard they had to cling to their gargoyle to keep from stumbling over.

Watching Zee being Zee was one of my favorite things to do. His boundless energy, brilliant enthusiasm, and unique perspective, made every moment in his company a delight.

I did not deserve him.

Which was why I had to tell him the truth before someone else did. Just walk right over there, sit him down, and explain that the person he thought I was—boring human Adam Vex—didn't exist. I was, in fact, something and someone a whole lot worse.

Just walk over there.

Strike while the iron was hot.

No time like the present.

Just meander on over.

"Adam, darling, there you are," Madame Matase said. She wore a lovely cream and yellow summer dress that rippled around her ankles as she glided over, and had her long hair pinned high. Her necklaces and bangles jingled. She appeared to be a young woman, but she had old, storytelling eyes, which was how I knew her to be much older inside . "Are you busy?"

"Er, no? Not at all." I'd have The Talk with Zee later.

"Good. The exterminator is here and he wants to visit the epicenter of the... uhm..." She lowered her voice and glanced around. "Infestation." It was definitely best if the guests didn't know how bad our gremlin problem had become.

Following Madame Matase back to the lobby, I spotted a big man dressed in baggy gray overalls that were taped into thick rubber boots. He wore a bright red hard hat, and chonky letters stretched over his rotund belly read: Gremlins Gone .

So much for keeping our infestation a secret .

I gripped his hand and gave it a firm shake. "Doug McDongle." He introduced himself with a bouncy voice and bright grin. "Gremlins Gone!"

"Adam Vex, uh . . . SOS Hotel."

"Then I'm in the right place!" the jolly man chuckled. "It seems you have a gremlin problem."

"Uh, yes." Did he have to say it so loud? "I'll take you to the room they've adopted." I headed toward the elevator, with McDongle bounding along at my side like a happy St. Bernard dog.

"Old buildings like these," McDongle remarked. "They attract all sorts. You're lucky it's just gremlins."

If only it was just gremlins. "We have a pixie too."

"Uh-oh. That's a terrible mix. Pixies organize gremlins. You've called us at the right time." He stopped in front of the elevator and eyed it warily as the doors rumbled open. "Best not, I think. If it's as bad as you say, they've probably chewed cables."

I winced, and eyed the elevator with concern. It had been extra glitchy lately. "The stairs?"

"Good idea!" McDongle grinned. "You'll want to shut down the elevator until we're done. Just to be sure."

We headed into the stairwell. "They've not always been this bad. We inherited the gremlins when we bought the hotel," I explained. "Their numbers weren't so bad to begin with. Just a few, you know?"

"Once in, gremlins are notoriously difficult to evict. They hide in the walls. You don't know you got problems until... Oh no! They're everywhere! " He waved his hands in mock shock. I could have done without his theatrics. "They'll also undermine the structural integrity of a building—weight-bearing beams and the like. Little bastards!" He chortled. "Have you been getting holes ? "

Oh boy, had we. "Yeah, we have a lot of those." We'd had to cover a new one in the bar with a potted plant.

"Oh dear, oh dear. We'll need to do a full scan of the structure."

This was beginning to sound expensive. Thankfully, Reynard had offered to help with the bills. Although, that had been before he'd picked up a Wilson's Guide and read exactly what and who I was. Victor hadn't said much after that, just sipped his tea and stared at the cabinet he'd made. It was a lot to take in. He'd excused himself later that evening, and I'd only seen him again briefly yesterday, on his way out the main door, probably heading to work.

He'd left an origami rose outside my temporary room, so I figured we were okay. Victor had been through a lot, losing his wife and his family—even if they were all blood-sucking narcissistic psychopaths. The last few weeks had taken a great deal out of him. He needed some space.

"Here we are," I said, stopping outside my old room.

McDongle slapped his hands together and rubbed them with glee. "Best see what I'm dealing with!" He really loved his job.

"Alright, but it gets wild. Just so you know." Rather him than me. I shoved open the door. A cat ornament hurtled out and smashed on the corridor's opposite wall.

McDongle clenched his fists. "Righteo. In I go!" And in the stocky, boiler suit–clad man went.

I closed the door, shoved my hands into my pockets, and waited. Some screeching sounded, then something fragile shattered. A guest tottered on by, giving me the side-eye as she went. "Morning," I greeted. "Just uhm... housekeeping?"

A screaming yowl sounded.

The door opened and McDongle flew out at an impressive speed for his size .

"Close the door," he barked, face flushed as red as his hat. "Hurry! Close it!"

I slammed it shut again and turned the key. Judging from McDongle's face, and the way his overalls were all twisted up and torn, his assessment probably wasn't good.

"Oh dear, Mr. Vex." He slumped against the wall. "You really do have a problem."

"Yeah. I probably should have called you sooner."

"I can deal with the gremlins, but you'll need a sorcerer for the portal."

I blinked. "The what now?"

"A sorcerer. Licensed, of course. Can't be doing business with those unlicensed psychopaths." He pulled off his hat and swept back his thinning hair. "Lordy, that was intense."

"No, wait. What? I know what a sorcerer is. Did you say portal?"

"Yeah, there's no knowing what's coming and going through that thing. You should probably close the hotel, just to be safe. Don't want any guests getting sucked into it."

"Close the hotel?" Oh dear.

McDongle straightened, and having recovered from his ordeal, he gave his round chin a stroke. "Mr. Vex, I haven't seen an infestation this bad since the '24 influx. I'm sorry to tell ya, this is going to be costly."

"Right." Of course it was. "Okay." I needed to find Reynard and talk it through with him, since I'd spent my last five bucks on silencing a fortune teller at the market.

"Shall I get started?" he asked.

I winced. "You can start with the uh... portal, in there?"

"Not in there, I can't. But I can scan the hotel and see exactly how bad the infestation is within its walls."

"Right, okay, I guess."

But first, I had to get a look at this portal. Unlocking the door, I peeked inside. Suspended by stretchy black strands over the bed, a pulsing blob of dripping, tar-like substance wobbled and beat like a huge, dark heart. The gremlins carried on, frolicking all over the place, oblivious to the tumor-like thing above their heads. You'd think a portal would suck the gremlins up.. . but no, that would have been helpful. Instead, I got a gremlin-friendly portal to nightmares, or wherever that thing went. It certainly didn't look like an opening to somewhere full of rainbows and wildflowers.

Quietly, I clicked the door closed and locked it again. "Oh dear."

I'd not had much to do with portals, but I had read about them in the Wilson's Guide . Portals were unstable tears in reality, caused by chaotic supernatural energies—like static during storms that resulted in lightning. With no outlet, the friction in the atmosphere ignited, making small holes, or doorways. Sorcerers were generally the only beings powerful enough to syphon off such chaotic energy. They also had an anchor, somewhere to draw power from. But whatever was powering ours must have been anchored at its other end.

"Today is a great day!" Zee announced, poofing into the corridor in a cloud of purple sparks. He wore a striking black and red kilt, knee-high boots, and some kind of net-vest that looked as though it should be catching fish, not draped around his gorgeous physique. It certainly wasn't hiding any of his defined muscles, or the suggestive arrow tattoo. "I am fucking great. Life is great. You're fucking great." He poked me in the chest and flicked my chin, making me smile, then spotted the exterminator. "Kinky boiler suit. I like it. Does it come with a whip?"

"Doug McDongle." Doug extended his hand.

"McDongle?" Zee blinked. His mind lived in the gutter—wallowed there, made camp there and thrived—so it took some effort for him not to blurt out whatever sexual innuendo regarding dongles had lodged in his thoughts. "Your name is great . We're all fucking great." He glanced around us. "Why are we in the hallway?"

I gestured at my bedroom door. "We have a problem."

"Lay it on me. I am immune to bad news. It is impossible to ruin my buzz."

I glanced at Doug, who shrugged and said he'd get his gear then stomped off to begin his scans, trailing some kind of icky goo behind him and leaving me alone in the corridor with Zee.

"We may have to close the hotel," I said, keeping my voice low.

Zee's purpled-tinged black lashes fluttered. "Okay, that's not great. But we'll use the time to fix shit. There's so much shit to fix. The elevator, the windows, the electrics, the plumbing, the decomposing corpse I stuffed up a chimney?—"

Woah. What? I laughed for the sake of anyone listening. "We definitely do not have that !" I called. I grabbed his arm and tugged him to one side. "Do you mean the, uh, candyman?"

"The fuck? Who the fuck is that? Wait... Say his name three times and bad shit happens... That guy?"

"Huh? No. The candy man?" I repeated, with added emphasis.

"Shh." Zee pressed a finger to my lips. His eyes darted. "You can't say his name again, and the walls have ears."

"Because they're full of gremlins," I mumbled behind his finger, then gently brushed his hand away. "I mean Mr. Reese."

Zee's eyes widened. "The Candyman's name is Reese?"

"Look, let' start again. Mr. Reese? The protestor?" I whispered. "He messed up the carpet by dying on it? Although, we think Gideon left him there, so... not his fault, I guess."

" That guy! Who the fuck else is it gonna be? How many people do you think I stuff up chimneys, Kitten? "

The hotel had a decomposing body up a chimney. Why was he just telling me this now? "I said deal with it, Zee . Stuffing him up a chimney is not really dealing with it."

"What the fuck was I supposed to do? Chop him up and put him in pies?"

Another guest appeared from their room and headed toward the elevator. "Oh hey, erm..." I called, after they'd ambled by. "Maybe don't use the elevator?"

The guest—a stocky male troll with a long goat-like face and fancy suit—huffed, ignored my advice because he clearly knew better, and stepped into the elevator.

"Pfft," Zee snorted. "Did you see his shoes? Nobody who isn't crazy wears pink socks with blue shoes, it's a fucking crime against fashion. I hope the elevator eats him."

"Zee." Our guest's fashion sense and Mr. Reese's body were not the main problem right now, although the body was more of a problem than it had been ten minutes ago when I hadn't known I had a dead protestor wedged up a chimney. I sighed. "There's a portal in my room."

"Oh, fun." He grinned. "Where does it go?"

"No, not fun, Zee. Bad. Super bad. And I don't know where it goes. How would I know?"

He frowned. "You didn't go through it?"

I frowned. "Why would I do that?"

"It's a portal. Why wouldn't you? They pop up all the time in Demontown."

"I can think of a hundred reasons why you shouldn't venture into random, throbbing dark holes."

"Throbbing dark holes are my forte, babycakes. How you gonna know where it goes if you don't go into it? Wait here." He poofed away before I could draw breath to tell him not to.

Maybe it was a demon thing, throwing yourself into unknown voids? He could translocate small distances, so maybe hopping into a void and back out again wasn't such a crazy thing for him to do?

I waited in the quiet and tapped my foot on the threadbare carpet. What if he didn't come back? What if he got stuck in there? How long should I wait before it got serious? Oh no...

Just as I was considering charging through the door, Zee poofed into the corridor and stood, spread-eagled, with his arms, tail, and wings out, dripping gloop.

"Oh." I pinched my lips together, holding back a laugh.

His hair had been glued to his face, his wings dripped blobby bits, and his wet net-vest clung to his chest.

He peered through narrow, sticky eyelashes. "I have been lubed."

I hiccuped a laugh. A big blob dangled from his horn, then splatted on the floor between us.

"I am fucking traumatized." He raised his hands and flicked gloop from his fingers.

"This is why we don't poke bad things."

He pointed a finger and opened his mouth to argue, then must have thought better of it. "This is fine. I am fine. What's a bit of lube? And it was free. Some foreplay would've been nice, but whatever. Win-fucking-win. Imma just..." He backed up, and flicked more goo from his tail. "Go shower."

"You need any help?"

He walked away, pants squelching. "Nope, I got this."

"When you're done, come down to the lobby and help me organize maybe closing the hotel?"

"Yup, sure. I'll be there. Still a great day!" he called, then vanished again, raining purple sparks.

Alone in the corridor, I sighed, rubbed my face, and eyed the locked bedroom door. This couldn't be a Gideon Cain thing, could it? No, probably not. Why would he open a portal in my room... and how? But I needed to bring Victor up to speed, just in case. Plus, he had to pay for Gremlins Gone .

It was definitely time to chat with Daddy Vampire, without mentioning the enormous prophesied elephant in the room that was me.

I tried his room, but after getting no reply I headed down to reception. He was probably at Reynard Technologies, hopefully shutting down the monitoring system I'd discovered during my brief visit to his office. Reynard Technologies had been spying on Lost Ones, so we'd discussed it and agreed he needed to get rid of it. We'd also been discussing how the vampire royals wanted to take over the world, and how they might be using Reynard Technologies to do it.

Which was something I definitely could not get involved in, and had nothing to do with me. At all. I already had enough plates spinning, with the hotel and gremlins and bodies in chimneys.

Back at reception, McDongle and two assistants were wheeling in giant boxes with all their equipment inside. While they clanged and hollered directions at each other, I headed for Madame Matase at the front desk.

"Did you see Reynard leave for work today?" I asked, as she rummaged around in her drawers, muttering about the Out of Order sign we'd slung on Tom Collins during his murderbot crisis.

Wow, it had been a really weird and excessive few weeks, huh?

"Oh, darling, yes. Lord Reynard checked out early this morning."

My insides swooped in a horrible roller-coaster lurch. "Checked out?!"

"Ah, there it is." Madame Matase straightened, now holding the sign. "Yes, darling. Paid up and closed his account. I assumed you knew? "

"Knew? No..." I mumbled, and clung to the desk. Oh no. This was my fault. I shouldn't have told him what I was, should have kept it a secret for longer. Forever. And now he was gone. The truth had driven him away, like it did everyone.

Why had I let him read the guide?

I'd known he'd leave. I'd feared exactly this.

My legs wobbled. A whistling started in my ears, like a rush of wind, as I fell through my emotions.

"Adam?"

We'd been fine, better than ever. But he'd left?

It didn't make any sense.

We'd talked, and we had some differences, but we were working them out... I'd been angry about his secrets, but we'd had tea in the bar, and I'd thought he'd... liked me.

"Adam, dear. Do you need a doctor?" Madame Matase's voice drifted, far away.

"I just..." I breathed long and deep and slow. My heart's plummet slowed and the ringing in my ears gradually cleared.

No. Victor wouldn't leave. He had a reason for everything. And he'd left that flower outside my room as a message. If he'd checked out, then something must have forced him to go. Or some one . His family? Daisy? She'd been applying pressure, trying to get him to hand me over in exchange for a title and standing among the vampires.

"Did he say anything?" I asked.

"Well, no. Not really?"

"Nothing at all?"

"He did say something which was a little odd. He said, it's for the best."

He thought leaving me was the right thing to do, because of what I was. Because of who he was. He thought he was protecting me and the hotel from Daisy. But he couldn't see how we were protecting him.

Daisy would interrogate him. And when he didn't give me up, she'd kill him.

He should have stayed with us, where he was safe and cared for and... loved.

Victor Reynard was mine.

I had to get him back.

"Are you alright, dear?" Madame Matase asked, softer this time. "Had the two of you grown close?"

I straightened and took a deep, smooth breath. "Something like that. I'll be fine, I just?—"

Doug McDongle slapped his invoice down onto the reception desk. "Need your signature here and we'll begin!" he bellowed.

"Right. Yes." One problem at a time. I scanned the invoice until my gaze landed on the enormous fee. "Is that the right amount of zeroes?"

We also really needed Victor Reynard back because there was no way we could pay that bill without him.

"Oh! Look at that! My mistake! You're right!" Doug took the invoice back, pulled a pen from his boiler-suit pocket, and scribbled on the invoice.

Phew, there had been no way we'd be able to afford that?—

He handed the bill back. "Almost gave you the deal of the century there, ha! Ha!"

He'd added another zero.

"I, erm..." I cleared my throat. "Just give me an hour and I'll get you your deposit." Turning to Madame Matase, I flashed what I hoped to be a totally normal, everything was fine, and in no way distraught smile. "Please call Zee's room and ask him to summon a car for us."

It was time to head to Reynard Technologies, where we'd get our vampire back. All the other emergencies had to get in line.