22. Maddy

Chapter 22

Maddy

I stood there just beyond the edge of the open door, feeling the weight of the moment settle over me like a shroud. The hallway was a narrow strip of darkness, barely touched by the feeble morning light filtering in from the kitchen. My fingers grazed the cool wood of the doorframe, the only support I could find as my world tilted precariously on the brink of an abyss I could neither avoid nor escape.

Niko was on the phone, his voice an indistinct murmur drifting through the thin door like the whispered winds of a storm. I hadn't meant to eavesdrop, but the conversation wrapped around me with a sickening inevitability, pulling me into its gravity. I had come here to surprise him, to bring a spark of sass into the morning. Instead, I had stumbled into the cruel theater of his deceit.

His words reached me through the gap between the door and the frame, each syllable a jagged shard that cut through the stillness of the hall. "I just can't do this anymore. It's too much," he said, the casual dismissal of my presence delivered with a stark finality that left me gasping as if the very air had been wrenched from my lungs. I pressed my ear against the door, desperate to hold on to the fragments of his voice, to grasp the reality of what I was hearing even as it shattered what little resolve I had left.

In that moment, time seemed to stretch out endlessly; a heavy, unyielding expanse filled with the weight of unspoken truths. My hands felt numb and unsteady, as if they were disconnected from the trembling body they were meant to steady. I could almost feel time itself grinding to a halt, the seconds elongating into an infinite loop of pain and disbelief.

My heart pounded in my chest, a frenetic drumbeat that echoed in the hollow cavity of my ribs. It was as though every beat was a futile attempt to keep me grounded, to anchor me in a reality that was slipping through my fingers. I could feel the tears welling up, hot and stinging, but they remained trapped behind the dam of my resolve, standing as a silent testament to the overwhelming sorrow that consumed me.

Niko's voice was a distant, distorted echo of the trust I had thought we shared. Each word he spoke seemed to resonate through the walls, reverberating off the surfaces of our time together, dismantling the memories we had only begun to build. I remembered the gentle touch of his hand, the way he had once looked at me with so much reverence and passion; now those moments just felt like cruel lies, their sweetness turned bitter and false.

The silence that followed his words was almost worse than the confession itself. It was a deafening void, filled with the ghostly echoes of our laughter, and the empty spaces where our dreams had once lived. I could feel the heaviness of that silence pressing down on me, a suffocating weight that left me paralyzed and breathless.

My mind was a storm of confusion and hurt, churning through the images of our past and the specters of a future that had been so abruptly snatched away. I felt as though I were trapped in a twilight zone, suspended between the warm familiarity of yesterday and the cold, unyielding reality of tomorrow. The door was a flimsy barrier between me and the pseudo-relationship I had begun to trust, now crumbling under the force of his betrayal.

Every breath I took was a laborious effort, laden with the weight of despair and disbelief. I stood there, a fragile wisp of a woman caught in the cruel twist of fate, my body trembling as though it could break free from the pain that gripped my soul. The walls around me seemed to close in, a tightening circle of anguish that bore down on me with relentless pressure.

And so I remained, frozen in that moment of awful clarity, enveloped in the profound silence that had replaced the joy I'd begun to find with him. The feeling I had once thought was unshakable. The echoes of his words hung in the air like the last notes of a sad song, their haunting melody a painful reminder of the future that had been so heartlessly severed from the past. I hadn't realized I wanted that future, but as the reality settled over me, I realized that perhaps I'd just been lying to myself the whole time.

I shook my head to clear it and gulped in a deep, shuddering breath. I couldn't sit there any longer, wallowing in my feelings. Wiping the tears from my face with a harsh swipe of my hand, I sped off toward my room, taking the stairs two at a time.

"If distance from me is what Niko wants," I hissed out as I slammed my bedroom door. "Then that's what he'll get."

I pulled my suitcases from the closet, throwing them onto the bed with violence that reflected the anger and pain I felt inside of me. Throwing them open, I began pulling my things from the closet, tossing them at the suitcases with every ounce of fury I felt inside.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to — I didn't even know what I wanted to do.

Tears spilled over and down my cheeks as I picked up my shoes from the bottom of the closet and flung them across the room with a scream of agony. The shoes skipped right over the bed, landing in a crashing heap against the door — just as it opened.

"Hey — oh shit!" Jax's voice surprised me, drawing my attention to the door. "Uh… I guess this is a … bad time?" he asked, running a hand through his long hair as he picked up my discarded shoes and tossed them onto the bed.

"Not a bad time, just dealing with a fucking asshole."

"I assume we're talking about Niko? "

"No, we aren't talking about anything. I'm purposefully not talking about anyone, " I seethed.

"Well, maybe that's the problem." He made his way fully into my bedroom, shutting the door behind himself. I turned around, not willing to face him with tears still running down my face. I swiped at the errant streaks, taking a few deep breaths.

"Jax, I don't think talking is going to do any good at this point."

"You never know. Talking usually helps a lot, in one way or another. I'm not saying you have to talk to Niko, but maybe you could vent to me. At the very least, it might make you feel better," he shrugged, picking a piece of lint off of the comforter and tossing it to the floor.

"I wouldn't even know where to start," I grumbled, plopping myself down onto the edge of the bed opposite him.

"Well, how about you start by telling me what's up with all of this," he suggested, holding up one of my dresses I had thrown on the bed.

"I'm packing."

"Well, I can see that. Planning another escape?" He chuckled lightly, dropping the dress back down onto the bed.

"Not exactly." I picked up the dress, intending to fold it up for my suitcase, but I was too angry and too emotional to simply fold it. Instead, I rolled it up in a ball that mirrored the knot of emotions roiling in my chest and slammed it down into the suitcase with a bit more force than I had intended.

"Care to elaborate on that? Or are you happy just abusing your clothing?"

"Jax… I…" I started, but words failed me. How was I supposed to explain what I was feeling? Or what was happening?

"You're obviously upset, Maddy. And I'm not here to judge. But I can tell you from experience that holding on to these emotions never turns out well, in the end. You end up shoving it down for so long that it just festers and boils over at the worst imaginable times and in even more unimaginable ways." His words were kind if a little blunt.

"I'm leaving." The words came out in a huff.

"Okay, and what prompted this decision of yours?" He leaned back against the headboard, making himself comfortable.

"It wasn't my decision," I admitted softly, looking down at my fingers as I picked at my cuticles. It was a habit I had long since abandoned, but something about this situation put me right back to my old ways — my old high school ways.

"Oh?" He questioned, but I said nothing. "Oh… I see." His entire tone changed as realization hit him.

"Exactly."

"So… is the case closed, then?" The question was a loaded one, and I wasn't so oblivious that I could not pick up on his meaning; on the deeper questions that answering would evoke.

"Not by a long shot. Not to my knowledge, at least."

"Okay. You're going to have to open up here a bit, Maddy. I want to help you, but I gotta be honest. You're not making much sense." He was right. I was beating around the bush, being purposefully vague to the point of making things difficult. Which was an asshole move on my part when he was sitting here trying to be kind to me.

"I don't know how I ended up here, Jax," I said quietly, working to hold off the tears that threatened to spill over at any moment. I was not going to cry in front of him. I was too proud for that shit.

"Well, you witnessed a crime and—"

"Come off it, Jax." Swatting him in the chest, I rolled my eyes. He laughed, smiling at me and — despite my over-emotional state — I couldn't help but smile back.

"Okay, so then what do you mean?"

"I don't even know where to begin. Niko and I…"

"Things are a bit complicated there, huh?" he asked, understanding written on his face.

"You could say that."

"Well, talk to me about it. You can trust me."

I don't know why I believed him, but I did. He had been honest with me before and had proven he could hold boundaries — and secrets. So, I took a deep breath and threw caution to the wind. Why the fuck not, right? It wasn't like I'd be around to see the aftermath, anyway.

"We agreed on this arrangement, this… dynamic, between us. It made sense. We both wanted the same things. We understood each other."

I paused, grabbing the dress from my suitcase to fiddle with instead of picking at my fingers like an idiot. I felt stupid enough as it was, pouring my heart out to a man I'd only known for a matter of weeks.

He sat in silence, allowing me a moment to find my words, for which I was unbelievably grateful.

"I thought we had a mutual understanding. That's what it began as. But I guess I was wrong."

"Why would you think you're wrong? Did Niko ask to change or end the dynamic?" he asked, his brow furrowing as he picked up a trinket from the bedside table, one I paid no attention to, and began fiddling with it. It seemed he had the same nervous energy I did, needing to fiddle with something when his mind was full of thoughts.

I felt a kinship with him at that moment. He was an even-keeled sort of man, having never shown an ounce of anger, or even annoyance, since the day I'd arrived. Perhaps that's why I felt I could open up to him.

"No, he didn't say anything like that."

"Then why do you think it's changed?"

"Just because he didn't say those words to me, doesn't mean he didn't say them to someone." Anger and vitriol filled me. All I wanted to do was march down to Niko's office and give him a piece of my mind. But what good would that do me now?

"So, he told someone else that he wanted to end your dynamic? That doesn't sound like Niko."

"Doesn't it?" I scoffed derisively.

"Not even a little bit. Niko's incredibly private about that part of his life. Who did he say this to? And how did you hear about it?" There was no judgment or blame in his tone, only curiosity.

"I overheard him on the phone," I admitted, somewhat shamefully. "I know I shouldn't have listened at his door, but—"

"I'm not here to judge you, Maddy. If you eavesdropped, then so be it. We all do it sometimes. It's a big house, but not that big, especially with six of us living here, or … five, I guess, since Carrick is away."

"I went downstairs to convince him… well, to convince him to come back upstairs — not to put too fine a point on it. But before I could even knock on his door, I heard my name. So I listened."

"And he said he wanted to end the dynamic between the two of you?" His eyes darted back and forth over some unknown thing in the distance. Niko had told me Jax did that whenever he was deep in thought.

"Not in so many words. I'm pretty sure he was on the phone with that detective. Mercado."

"Okay… interesting. And what did he say, exactly?"

"He said that it was too much. That I was too much. He's having me moved to another safe house."

My admission seemed to only trouble him further. He sat up, thinking for a moment, before his gaze turned to me.

"So, I'm packing. Because I'm leaving. Tomorrow." The words came out with all the rage and fury I felt. Tears still pricked at my eyes, which only made me angrier. I didn't want to cry. I wanted to rage. But of course, my stupid brain didn't seem to be able to discern the difference, evidenced by the tear that escaped, running down my cheek for only a second before I swiped it away angrily.

"Maddy, I'm not sure what's going on with all of that, but if you're open to it, I'd like to offer some advice." His kind eyes gave me some small measure of peace as I considered his words. After a moment, I nodded. After all, I didn't have to take the advice if I didn't want to.

"Whatever is going on with you moving to a new safe house… I can't speak about that. But what I can tell you is that if you leave here without clearing the air with Niko, you'll regret it."

"I very much doubt that," I scoffed, once again choosing anger over my more rational mind.

"I'm serious, Maddy. Take it from someone who has had to live with more regrets than any one man should ever have to. If you leave with all of these things unsaid, you will regret it. And at that point, it may be too late to change things. Even if nothing comes from it, clear the air. Speak your truth. It's a powerful thing, speaking your truth."

"I don't think I can, Jax," I admitted in probably the smallest voice I'd ever used. I felt small, though. Small and vulnerable. And I fucking hated every second of it. I didn't want to be weak like that. I was fierce, strong, and stubborn as all hell. That was the energy I wanted to leave this place with. Not as some feeble and meek mouse, begging a man to choose her. Especially a man who so obviously did not want me here.

"He doesn't want me to stay, Jax."

"You don't know that," he fought back, but I knew better.

"Jax, I heard him. I heard him say those very words. He said, and I quote, this just isn't working. Jax, he said it's too much. That I'm too much."

"That really doesn't sound like the Niko I know, but — "

"Well then, maybe you don't know him as well as you think you do." I was being cruel. I knew it, but that didn't stop me from giving him attitude.

"Okay, Maddy. I hear you. But what I said holds true. Speak your peace. Tell him your truth," he said as he stood from the bed. "While you still have the chance."

I nodded as he made his way back to the door.

"And Maddy?" he asked, pausing at my doorway, hand wrapped around the doorknob.

"Yeah?"

"Remember that while whatever is going on with Niko is a huge deal, and I'm not making light of it… he's not the only one in this house who cares about you and wants to keep you safe. Just… remember that, okay? For me?"

Tears welled in my eyes as I nodded.

He left my room, shutting the door behind him and leaving me to my tears — and to my packing.

I knew Jax spoke the truth, that his words had merit. But that didn't mean I was about to roll over and be the damsel in distress to Niko's bullshit. I'd lived that story before. I got the fucking tee-shirt.

That wasn't going to happen again.

Not to this badass bitch.

Yanking the rest of my things from the closet and throwing it at my suitcases, I let myself seethe and simmer in the outrage and anguish I felt.

If Niko wanted me gone… then fine, I was gone. Why should I care, anyway? Why would I give two fucking shits about some pompous, ridiculous, arrogant—

"Maddy?" Niko's voice rang out as he knocked loudly on my bedroom door. I nearly leaped out of my skin. The immediate fight-or-flight response kicked in, and I quickly yanked my suitcases onto the floor and shoved them under the bed. He couldn't know that I'd overheard him.

"Just a moment," I responded, doing my best to hide any trace of my actual emotion.

Having cleared any evidence from sight, I rushed to the door, opening it just enough to see his face and let him see mine, blocking him from entering with my body, hand still perched on the edge of the door and holding it in place.

"Maddy, can we talk for a moment?" he asked, seeming completely at ease and normal, as though nothing had happened. I knew Niko was good at many things, but I hadn't ever added actor to that list. Or betrayer, or complete fucking asshole, for that matter. But I guess the truth always comes out.

"I'm kind of in the middle of something right now," I said, almost flippantly. "Can it wait?"

"Not really. May I come in?"

Immediately, my mind raced with possible excuses to give. Anything to keep him out of my room, and preferably away from my door.

"Niko, I really kind of want some time to myself right now," I lied, right through my motherfucking teeth.

"Oh, I apologize." He sighed heavily, running a hand through his thick, wavy hair as he looked around, almost nervously. "Listen, this can't wait. This isn't how I wanted to tell you, but I just got off the phone with Quinn a minute ago. They have set up a new safe house. A legit one, through the police department. He's going to come pick you up this evening."

"Oh, really?" I asked, feigning near glee at the idea when all I felt inside was pain — gut-wrenching, agonizing pain. "I'm so glad to hear that."

"You are?" His brow furrowed, confusion written all over his normally smug face at my excitement.

Good. Let him hurt.

"Yeah! You know, honestly, I'm really excited about it. It will be good to finally feel truly protected in a legit safe house. You know, one where they have real trained professionals to watch over me. Thank you so much for coming to tell me, Niko." I plastered on my most genuinely passable faux smile as I reached out to touch his wrist. "I better go start packing!"

I literally squealed as I spun on my heel, shutting the door in his face with a loud bang and locking the door.

I waited with bated breath, listening intently for his footfalls to let me know he'd walked away.

But no sound came.

Seconds stretched into minutes until finally, his footfalls sounded, the soft clunking letting me know he was heading back down the stairs — likely to the solace of his beloved office.

Then and only then did I let the tears fall.

I pulled the suitcases back up onto the bed. This time, I didn't throw my clothes into them. The anger had dissipated enough that I was able to take my time. Folding my clothes neatly, I spent the remainder of my day packing up and thinking about the times I had while I was sequestered here. Good times and bad alike, I had many memories that I had planned to hold near and dear to my heart.

But things had changed.

When I left this place, I planned to leave it all behind.

And never look back.