21. Nikolai

Chapter 21

Nikolai

The next morning, I woke up content and damn near euphoric. Last night had been… Well, it had been something unlike anything I'd ever experienced with a woman. I liked control. I enjoyed taking charge. It's what made me a good Dominant. But with Maddy and the day we'd had yesterday, it was like my dominance fell away into something more simple, something deeper than the dominance I had practiced for nearly ten years now.

Feeling lighter than air, I made my way downstairs. A steaming cup of coffee was exactly what I needed this morning. Then, I planned to make Maddy a delicious breakfast. Granted, it wouldn't be half the breakfast Sully would make, but I wanted to do this myself. I needed to do it myself.

Whistling as I waltzed into the kitchen, I knew nothing could darken my mood.

"Well, good morning to you." Deacon's low southern drawl scared me half to death and nearly had me jumping out of my skin.

"Jesus, Deacon. Warn a man," I chuckled, clutching my chest for a moment as my heart raced.

"I'm just sittin' here, drinkin' my coffee, man," he said with a smirk, raising his mug to his lips.

"Fair enough. Thanks for making coffee." I rounded the high-top bar, pulling a mug from the cabinet before filling it with the steaming, dark java juice. Nothing beat a good cup of coffee in the morning. Well, other than waking up next to Maddy. That was quickly racing to the top of the list.

"I'm going to make Maddy some breakfast. Want me to make you some, too?" I offered, pouring some creamer into my cup. Deacon and Jax both drank their coffee black, which I could just never understand. Give me all the creamer and sugar, I didn't care. It tasted good. I needed caffeine. I didn't need it to taste like dirt.

"Nah, I'm good with this for now," he replied, raising his mug to me. "But you got a minute to talk, brother?"

Uh oh. I knew that tone.

"Sure." I joined him at the table, wondering what was up. It wasn't often Deacon had an issue, but when he did, and when he chose to have a chat , it was obvious.

"So, this thing with you and Maddy. Seems to be heating up," he said, obviously skirting around whatever issue he was having. My heart dropped into my stomach, realizing that the issue lay with the dynamic between Maddy and me.

"Yeah, you could say that." I took a sip of my coffee, unable to hold back my groan of satisfaction at the taste of the blissful, sweet taste of java. It soothed my soul.

"I gotta ask, man. What's the plan there?"

"The plan?"

"Yeah, the plan."

"I guess I don't really have a plan."

"That's unlike you."

"I suppose."

"What I'm sayin' is that… brother, I've known you for over a decade now. You always have a plan. You are the man who thinks things through. It's why you take the lead here in this very house. But with Maddy, it's like you've completely changed who you are."

I wasn't sure how to respond. His words confused me. While I could see where he was coming from to a degree, I didn't think I'd truly changed who I was.

"That feels a bit dramatic. I haven't changed who I am. I'm still the same person."

"You're not though. Look at your behavior."

"What are you saying here, Deacon?" I sighed heavily, resting my elbows on the table as I took in his words.

"What I'm sayin' is that you've changed," he insisted. I didn't know what to make of his words.

"I can't tell if that's a good or a bad thing," I chuckled, trying to bring levity to a conversation I truly did not want to have.

"I'm not sure either. Niko, you know I've always let you do your thing. You're suited to running things here and with Triple R. It suits ya. But I've seen men get in over their heads before. And, brother, I think you might be in over your head, here."

I sipped my coffee, the joy I had felt when I came down here this morning quickly dissipating, turning almost sour in my stomach with his words.

"This thing with Maddy… I'm not sayin' it's a bad thing," he said with a heavily burdened sigh.

"But you're not saying it's a good thing, either." The words came out in more grumble than direct speech. Anger, confusion, and the remnants of my earlier joy all swirled around in my stomach. It made me feel sick, guilty, and somehow mad at one of the closest friends I'd ever had. I respected Deacon's opinions. Hell, often he had a better head on his shoulders than I did.

"It's more about you losing focus," he began, leaning his elbows on the table. "This whole thing started as a favor to Quinn. It's a mission. One I think you've lost sight of."

His words hit me like a freight train. I knew that this was a job. I hadn't forgotten. Hell, keeping Maddy safe was at the forefront of my mind nearly constantly.

"You've lost sight of your professionalism. Even if this isn't one of our missions through the Corps or even through special ops, it's still a mission. Professionalism is what keeps us safe. But you've lost your head on this one, Niko. And I'd be a bad brother-in-arms if I didn't call your ass out on it."

I sat there in silence, having no idea what to say.

"It's not that I don't like Maddy. Hell, I'm pretty sure that girl is cut from the same cloth as you. She's a good woman. But that good woman upstairs deserves protectin'. And you ain't doin' your job to keep her safe, man. Not in the way you're supposed to. You're the leader of our little squad here. The others take their queues from you."

"I understand what you're saying," I muttered quietly.

"I hope you do. I'm just tryin' to look out for you, man. And tryin' to keep that girl safe. Keep your eyes on a swivel. That's all."

Deacon stood from the table, leaving me to my thoughts.

I felt sick to my stomach.

He was right. I had lost sight of what was important. And as much as I wanted to keep Maddy around, she wasn't here long term. This wasn't a relationship, it was a mutually agreed-upon dynamic between the two of us. But I had lost the plot. And I needed to find it again.

There was only one thing I could do.

It was time to call Quinn.

I stood from the table, heading to my office with a renewed sense of purpose. Pulling my phone from my pocket after closing the door behind me, I dialed his number. I was ready to right my wrongs.

"Mercado, here," he answered on the second ring.

"Hey, Quinn. It's Niko. You got a minute to talk?" I sighed heavily, plopping down in my chair.

"Yeah. From the sounds of it, you're not about to tell me something good. Is everything okay with Ms. Ayers?"

"No. Things aren't good," I muttered, that sick feeling in my stomach swirling and souring like a sickness I could not escape. All the while, thoughts of our time together ran through my mind, making this decision harder than ever.

"Is she safe?" His voice changed, his tone utterly serious.

"Yeah, yeah. She's safe. Fuck, I should have led with that. It's not her safety that's the issue." I pinched the bridge of my nose, the stress of it all causing my head to throb and pound.

"So, what's the issue, then?"

"Quinn, I don't know what to tell you. This isn't working."

"What's not working?" Quinn responded in his normal, calming tone. The man was cool under pressure, and this situation was no exception.

"I just can't do this anymore. It's too much." I knew it was bullshit. Maddy wasn't too much. Well, not too much trouble, at the very least.

She was too much brat. Too much attraction.

Too much distraction.

I needed to keep my head in the game if I was going to keep her safe, yet every day I spent with her only made it that much harder.

The truth of the matter was that I was growing attached.

And I didn't do attachments. Not like this. Not like her.

"Niko, you're going to have to give me more than that if I'm going to be able to do anything," Quinn said calmly.

"She's just too much to handle. We've worked hard to keep her safe here while you work to set up a new safe house. Where are you at on that front?" I prayed. I prayed for the first time in God only knew how long.

But what was I truly praying for ?

For her to be moved?

Or for her to stay?

I couldn't make heads or tails of my own desires anymore. And that right there told me all I needed to know. I was becoming compromised in my own mission. And a Marine knew it was time to pull out when he became compromised, for the safety of the mission.

And after all, wasn't Maddy's safety the real mission here?

I didn't feel like I could keep her safe if I could not control myself around her. That was a danger waiting to happen.

"Actually, it's funny you should mention that. I just got word that our new safe house is set up. I was going to call you later this morning, truth be told. So, I guess the timing is perfect. I was going to give you the option of keeping her there if it was working out, but I can hear that it's not."

"So, what happens now?" I asked, instantly feeling my stomach fill with dread and regret. But my feelings weren't important here. They had no validity in the task of keeping Maddy safe from Dom Krovi.

"Well, I'll need at least another day to finalize things on my end, plus I'm sure Ms. Ayers will need a day to pack up her things and be ready to go. So if it works out on your end, I'll come pick her up the day after tomorrow. Let's say around five in the evening. Or maybe just after dinner, if that works best. I've got a shift to work, and I'll pick her up on my way out of the station." As Quinn detailed his plan of action, I found myself curling inwards physically, my shoulders hunching and my arms crossing over my chest.

There was something about this whole situation that didn't sit well with me. Not one bit.

"Hey, Niko. You got a minute?" Sully asked, knocking on my office door a few minutes after I got off the phone with Quinn. I hesitated for a moment, wanting to send him away and deal with these feelings that were refusing to be silenced, but that was not the right thing to do. And right now, I needed to focus on doing the right thing, not following my emotions. That only led to trouble.

"Niko?" he called from behind the door a second time.

"Yeah, sorry. Come on in," I called, taking a deep breath and straightening myself back up in my chair.

"Hey, dude. Sorry to bother you. I just wanted to talk to you about last night." He shut the door behind himself, taking a seat opposite me. He looked comically large in the small seat — well, not a small seat, just small for him. The dude was built like a brick shit house, all muscle and brawn.

Great, here we go again, I thought to myself.

"What about last night?"

"About you and Maddy," he said, as though it were obvious. I supposed, in a way, it was.

"Listen, Sully. I know what we're doing is wrong, but —"

"Wrong? What are you on about, dude? I think it's fucking great! " he chuckled, a big goofy smile on his face.

"Wait, what?" My head spun with his words. What the hell ?

"Yeah. It's awesome. I've never seen you so happy. I just wanted to take a minute to tell you that I'm happy for you. Happy for the both of you." He cracked his knuckles, shifting around in what little space was left in the chair.

"Happy for us…" I repeated, absolutely confused. First Deacon tells me it's a problem, and now Sully thought it was great? My head was spinning.

"Yeah, man. If you ask me, you two are just about perfect for each other. I mean, come on. She fit in perfectly last night."

She fits in perfectly just about everywhere, I thought to myself.

"I appreciate that, Sully. But what Maddy and I have going on isn't a relationship." I sighed, strumming my fingers along the top of my desk.

"Uh, yeah, okay," he chortled sarcastically. "Whatever you say, bro."

"I'm serious, Sully. Maddy and I — it's just casual. It's not a relationship." I doubled down on my protestation, Deacon's words still ringing in my mind.

"Dude, you can say that all you want, but you can't fake chemistry like that."

"Chemistry doesn't mean we're in a relationship. Correlation does not equal causation," I sputtered indignantly.

"Niko, let me level with you for a second," he said, leaning forward until his elbows rested on my desk.

"Alright," I grumbled.

"I've watched over the years. You were one hell of a Marine. Hell, you beat my ass into submission more than once back in our days in the Corps. Even more so after, honestly. You keep this whole house afloat all the time. This place wouldn't run without you. You're the captain of this ship, you could say."

"Pretty sure that's the Navy, Sully, but go on."

"Outside of all of that, I've watched you waffle between two versions of yourself. Either you find a submissive to play with for some limited time under a dynamic contract, or you mope around here all rigid and fussy-like. You're a real grumpy gus when you don't have a submissive."

"That's a little harsh, don't you think?" I attempted a half-hearted smile.

"No, it's not harsh. It's honest." He leveled me with a serious look. That wasn't common for the man. Not since we got out of the service. Hell, unless we were out on a mission, he was usually a big old softie. The sudden change took me by surprise. "The point I'm trying to make is that since Maddy arrived, I've seen a different side of you. You've been happy. She isn't just some submissive you found in the local dungeon. This isn't just a contract between the two of you."

"Yes, actually, it is. We negotiated and agreed to keep things casual."

"Pfft. Casual, my ass. She pushes your buttons and —"

"Exactly. She pushes my buttons, which is fine because this isn't long-term. That's the whole point. It's temporary. A way to fill the time while we're both stuck here."

"Brother, I love you. I truly do. You have been family to me for a long time now. But I'm going to be straight with you. You're lying to yourself. What you have with Maddy isn't casual. Not by a long shot. She pushes your buttons. And you need those buttons pushed. She keeps you on your toes. Hell, every one of us can see the chemistry between you two. The way you two push and pull against each other… it's like waves on the shore. She's the yin to your yang. The jelly to your peanut butter."

"The jelly to my peanut butter?" I scoffed.

"Well, yeah. She's sweet and tart."

"And what? I'm creamy and full of protein?" I bristled with a short-lived laugh.

"I mean, I was gonna say you're nuts, but whatever outruns your bear, man."

"Outruns your bear? Seriously, Sully?"

"You're right. No one can outrun a bear. The point here is that she's perfect for you."

"No, she's not. She's sassy and pushes me at every turn. She can't hold her tongue for anything, and she purposely sets out to drive me mental."

"And weren't you the one who moped around here for weeks talking about how every submissive you found at the club just bent over at the slightest push from you? That they just folded under your dominance? How they didn't let you handle their bratting?" His brow lifted high on his forehead as he made his point.

"I…" I began, but my words faltered as I realized what he was saying. Really realized it. He was right. I had said that. And Maddy was giving me everything I had ever wanted from a submissive.

"But it's not just that, Niko. She fits you. She brings out the best in you. And if you don't think that this knee-jerk reaction to protect her at all costs, this possessive attitude you've been walking around with for weeks, isn't a clear sign that you want to make this more than just a contract — well, then you're lying to yourself."

I sat there in silence, mulling over his words. It felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me.

"Listen, I'm not trying to tell you what to do here."

"It wouldn't matter anyway," I muttered under my breath.

"Why the hell not?"

"Because I just got off the phone with Quinn."

"What did Mercado want?"

"It was about what I wanted, actually. I told him that keeping her on here, protecting her, wasn't working out. And he just got the new safe house set up."

"Man… you didn't."

"I did. She leaves the day after tomorrow."

"Niko, you better fix this," he sighed heavily as he stood from the chair. "If you don't, you'll regret it for the rest of your life."

As he walked out of the room, closing the door behind him and leaving me to my thoughts, I realized he might actually be right.

And I had no clue what the hell I was going to do about it.

But at the end of the day, the plan was already set into motion. The only problem was, I was pretty sure I'd made a huge mistake.