20. Nikolai

Chapter 20

Nikolai

What the hell was I doing?

We'd had the perfect day, and what did I do? I went and made it weird and awkward in the eleventh hour — literally. The need to be near her was nearly unbearable. It literally caused me pain, an aching in my chest that I could not seem to soothe in her absence.

Realizing I was still sitting at the table, alone lamenting this feeling, I stood up and made my way up the stairs. I might as well go to bed. Tomorrow would be better. Right?

I walked down the hall to my room, hell-bent on a long shower and going straight to bed. At least in sleep, I could escape these feelings.

Then I remembered that the woman had plagued even my dreams as of late. How was I supposed to get any relief when every moment of my day and night seemed to be consumed with thoughts of her?

I paused in the doorway of my room, my hands pressing against the door frame. My breath came in short pants as I thought about how I was feeling. What was I doing? She was right there. Only a few short feet away down the hall. What was the point of going to bed alone, of tossing and turning all night with thoughts of her, when I could just go to her? Right now.

Would that be too much? Was it too presumptuous?

I realized at that moment that the issue wasn't being around Maddy. It was the fact that I didn't just want kink. I didn't want to dominate her. Not right now. Not after today. Something inside of me wanted more. And, for once, I could not deny myself.

Coming to a decision in the moment, I turned on my heel and marched towards her room. I didn't want princess, I wanted Maddy. And I was going to go to her, even if I didn't fully understand the why of it yet.

Striding to her door, I knocked softly.

There was a rustling behind the door before she opened it, just a little.

"Hello? Niko?" she asked, her brow furrowed in confusion.

I took a deep breath.

"May I come in?" I asked softly.

"Uh, yeah. Sure." She opened the door, waving me in. I shut the door behind me, locking it without a second thought.

"Did you, um, need something?" she asked, almost awkwardly. She had taken her hair out of her braid, the loose waves falling around her shoulders, and she tucked a strand behind her ear, almost as a nervous gesture.

"Yeah." I sighed heavily, unsure of what I was doing here, or what I wanted to do next.

Who was I kidding? I knew exactly what I wanted.

"Yeah, there is something I need." I stepped forward, taking her into my arms and kissing her. It started as all our kisses began, hot and heavy, lips crashing together. But I pulled myself back, softening my touch until our kisses became slow and sensual.

Breaking the kiss, she sighed, breathless. "What was that about?"

I picked her up gently, one arm under her shoulders and the other under her knees.

"What are you doing?" she giggled.

"Hush. Let me have my moment, dammit," I muttered, setting her down gently on the bed.

Moving towards the foot of the bed, I removed her shoes one by one, setting them on the floor by the bed. My hands moved up her legs slowly, committing every curve and line of her body to memory until I reached the waistband of her leggings. Tugging them down slowly, I let myself revel in the feel of her soft skin. Smooth as silk and supple as hell, it was a heady feeling to just let myself enjoy her body this way. It was reverent; it was profound. Hell, it was something I could only describe as worship.

Every other time we had played together, it had been harsh. Clothing ripped from each other's bodies with an urgency to get to the fun part. But this was not that. There was no urgency here, no rush or heat of the moment. This was exploration without a destination. It was just my hands and body worshiping hers.

Her panties were next, tugged down her thighs, and tossed to the floor without a care before I moved up onto the bed, straddling her body. My hands traced over her curves with a gentleness that surprised me. I had never touched a woman like this before. Well, I had been gentle, sure. But not like this.

She gasped, the moment touching her as much as it did me. Or at least that's what I told myself. Touching her like this, exploring her; it was breathtaking.

My hands slid up under her shirt, tracing the ridges and valleys of her ribcage as I lifted it up higher. My hands wrapped around her, helping her to sit up so I could remove the impeding clothing. As the shirt fluttered to the floor behind me, I stole her lips. I couldn't help myself, couldn't stop myself any longer.

This kiss wasn't the fiery, passionate kind that threatened to burn us both alive. Those kisses I knew. I knew them damn well. This was slow. Just the bare flutter of two sets of lips pressing together as I guided her lips to open for me, to allow me access to taste her deeper, to drink her in. Fuck, I wanted to drown myself in her.

My hand wrapped around the back of her neck, a finger pressing into that spot just below her hairline that made her head fall back and her lips fall open. And I did exactly what I wanted to do: I drank from her, tasting her in a way I never had before. I was half drunk on her very essence.

She whimpered into the kiss softly, and Christ, how I reveled in it. In the way her body felt beneath mine. As much as I wanted kink, as much as it fueled a huge part of me, this was different.

I needed something different. She had opened up something inside of me that I wasn't ready to name. So instead of using my words, I decided to use my body. My hands, lips, and fingertips spoke words my mouth was not ready to say.

My hands pushed her arms up, placing her hands over her head.

"Keep them there for me, Maddy. Please." It was a word I rarely used during sex, always opting for commands over requests. Her eyes lit up as she nodded. This was not the time for commands. This was not the time for dominance.

This wasn't dynamic. It was just us. Only us.

I kissed my way down her body, paying attention to the spot just under her collarbone that made her moan, all breathless and sensual.

My lips moved down, finding her breasts at the same time my hands cupped the small mounds. Her tits were fucking mouthwatering, and fit perfectly in my hands. I kissed my way over the rounded curves until I reached the peak of one nipple. I flicked my tongue over it, teasing it into an aching, stiff peak before wrapping my lips around it with a groan that vibrated from my lips to her skin.

"Oh my God, Niko," she groaned, her back arching up into me. My fingers found her other nipple, twisting and plucking at the sensitive nub until it, too, hardened under my touch.

"Please," she whimpered. My cock twitched at the sound, but for once, I didn't want to lead with my desires. At least not the carnal, kinky ones I usually did. I wanted something more.

"Please what, Maddy?" I asked. I could have used her honorific. In fact, I considered it. But it felt wrong for this moment.

"Please, more," she whispered, lifting her head off the bed just enough to look down at me. Our eyes met, and something passed between us. Something that told me I wasn't the only one feeling this. At least, I desperately hoped so.

"Patience, beautiful girl," I urged her with a smirk.

It did not escape my notice that her eyes lit up, opening wide with shock as her lips parted softly with a barely audible gasp.

Dropping soft kisses down the length of her body, I moved my hands down over her ribcage, reveling and rejoicing in every line and curve.

My nose nuzzled against her navel, my hands drifting lower to spread her thighs as I kissed down to the tip of her hipbone. I licked into the hollow there as she gasped and began to writhe beneath me. Settling between her thighs, I made myself comfortable. I had no intention of leaving this position for a while. Those luscious thighs wrapped around me, and my kisses moved down to the crease between her thigh and her pussy, feeling her heartbeat pulse wildly beneath her skin.

"Niko," she gasped as I pressed soft kisses down the length of her wet slit. The pure scent of her nearly drove me to the brink of sanity, urging me to hurry along, to take her, claim her. But I resisted. I was bound and determined to take my time. Her writhing and thrusting hips left me chuckling as I wrapped my arms under and around her thighs, pulling her to me so she could not squirm out of my grasp. I wanted her here — right here — as I gorged myself on her sweet taste.

"Be still, Maddy. Let me." They were simple words, the only ones I could manage to utter. Honestly, I was afraid that if I spoke much more at all, I would say more than I wanted to say. More than I was ready to say. Those things, those nameless emotions; I wasn't even sure if they were true or not yet.

My tongue slid over her slit, exploring her folds until she opened under my touch. She tasted like heaven and hell all wrapped into one unforgettable experience. I could not get enough of her. I groaned into her pussy, burrowing my face into her cunt as my tongue slid from her opening to that throbbing nub at the apex of her slit. Wrapping my lips around her clit, I sucked the tender bud into my mouth, flicking it back and forth as she moaned beneath me, her hips thrusting up into me.

"Niko, yes," she sighed, spreading her legs wider.

I pulled one arm back from around her thigh and opened her folds with my fingers, sliding one digit inside of her tight, wet heat. One finger quickly became two, twisting and thrusting inside of her. I turned my hand palm up, pressing upwards until I hit her g-spot, making her groan.

"Yes, baby. That's it," I murmured against her throbbing clit. I could not get enough of her taste. My fingers and tongue moved faster, working her into a frenzy, until she broke for me. I felt as much as heard her orgasm crash over her, and her thighs shook against my ears as she convulsed in rapture.

Spreading her lips open, my tongue moved lower, lapping her sweet nectar. Groaning into her cunt, I ate her with a ravenous appetite that surpassed anything I'd ever felt. I needed her. I needed her to cum again for me. My tongue found her clit again, my fingers pushing back into her still clenching heat as I guided her to the brink again. She was still trembling from her last orgasm, and this new one was hot on its heels.

My teeth scraped over her sensitive nub lightly, adding just enough pressure to push her over the edge once more.

I lapped at her pussy, drinking in the flavor that was entirely her before I slowly crawled back up her body.

"Taste," I whispered against her lips. "Taste yourself on my lips."

I hovered only a breath away from her mouth, waiting until she made that first move.

Her body arched up and off the bed, her arms lifting from the place I had told her to keep them to wrap around my neck as she opened her lips against mine. I couldn't even bring myself to care that she had disobeyed my command. This wasn't about commands. It was about feeling. And she felt damn good arching against me, reaching for me as though she could not get close enough. I knew the feeling all too well.

She moaned into my mouth, her tongue reaching out to find my own, exploring my mouth enthusiastically. I was used to taking control and using my dominance in any sexual situation. Letting someone else take the lead did not come naturally to me. But I pushed aside my desire to control, letting her explore in her own way, in her own time. And fuck, it was the sexiest, most sultry thing I'd felt in a long, long while.

"Hold on to me," I whispered against her lips. Wrapping her legs around my waist, I rolled us over until she was perched on top of me, straddling my hips with her luscious thighs.

"Take me inside you, Maddy. Wrap that velvety pussy of yours around my cock." I groaned as she slid over me, her sopping wet pussy gliding over my cock like silk and sin.

The sound of her gasp made my cock twitch as she lowered herself down onto my aching length, her back arching as she took me in completely.

With my hands on her hips, I began to rock her back and forth over my cock. The contours of her cunt gripped me, fluttering around me with every shuddering breath she took. Slipping one hand between her thighs, I found her clit, my thumb strumming the little nub as she gasped and moaned above me.

"That's it, baby. Squeeze around me. Yes, just like that," I teased her with my words, my own toes curling as her body writhed and undulated above me.

After a moment, she took my hands in hers, moving them off of her hips. The movement confused me, but this wasn't my normal experience. This was new. This was different. And I chose to trust. She had trusted me time and time again, and trust went both ways.

Slowly, she lifted my hands, placing them by my head, and holding them there for a moment in a display of dominance I had not been expecting.

"Keep them there, Niko," she whispered. It isn't a command. Not in the way I commanded her during our scenes. It was a request, and one I simply could not rebuke.

I nodded wordlessly, and slipped my hands under my head, interlacing and locking my fingers together. It was the only way I knew how to stop myself from reaching for her, to stop myself from guiding her as I usually did. But if she wanted this moment, I would give it to her. Unabashed and unashamed, I would give her anything she wanted at that moment.

"Trust me," she whispered softly, her eyes locked on mine. Fuck, that look. That one right there; it took my breath away. All I could do was nod. Words failed. Thought failed. And all that remained was her and me. Just the two of us, locked in this moment in time together.

Her hips rocked slowly over me, her hands moving up her body so sensually. It was mesmerizing.

Then she reached back, grabbing her own ankles — and rocking my motherfucking world.

"What are you doing?" I asked in a strangled whisper, but just as the words left my lips, she arched her back, swiveling her hips in a way that would make a grown man weep. Hell, I could feel the tears pricking at the corners of my eyes as stars erupted in my vision.

I could barely breathe. She felt so good wrapped around me. Her hips bucked faster, her body moving in a way that had me completely enthralled, enraptured by the way her tight cunt milked my cock like a vacuum pump.

Her gasps came quicker, matching my own racing heart as she neared her orgasm. With a cry of passion that made me swell inside of her, she fell forward, her hands against my chest, holding herself up as she came around my cock. I was barely able to hold back; the feeling made me see stars as I grit my teeth together to stave off my impending climax.

"Come to me," I whispered harshly, my voice feeling hoarse with unchecked emotion and a desire to claim her that was so strong I could barely refrain from grabbing her and asserting my dominance.

She leaned forward, hands still on my chest as she ground her hips into mine. We thrust together. Slowly, intentionally, seeking out a climax that was unlike anything I had ever felt before.

She whimpered above me, both of us gasping, panting for breath that never seemed to be quite enough.

Her head dropped as I shifted my hips below her, changing the angle just enough to make her cry out with pleasure.

I couldn't hold back any longer. My hands pulled from beneath my head, one hand wrapping behind her head, finger twisting in the wild, wavy tendrils of her hair, the other sliding under her arm and up around her ribcage, holding her to me.

Her head dropped down, our foreheads touching as we moved together. With each thrust, we groaned together, panting with a desire that seemed insatiable.

"Niko," she keened, her eyes locked on mine.

It was all too much. The look in her eyes, the way her pupils dilated as her pussy clenched around me so tightly, milked the cum straight out of me.

"Maddy," I groaned, my own orgasm following hers. I groaned animalistically as I emptied myself inside of her, the rhythmic pumping of my cock thrumming a counterpoint to the beating of my heart as I came harder than I could ever remember cumming before. It altered the literal fabric of my reality.

We clung to one another, both of us panting for breath and trembling. I wasn't ready to let her go. I wanted to stay right here, connected, foreheads pressed together as we both came down from the heights of our passion.

What felt like only moments later, she shifted, sitting up straight and breaking the connection I had been clinging to. The pang in my chest at the loss of her closeness nearly took my breath away again.

She rolled over to my side, flopping down on the pillow with a grin, as happy as I was. All I could think of was getting her as close as possible. The distance, even just those few inches, felt like too much. It was all too much.

"I should clean up," she barely managed to whisper.

"Is it bothering you?" I asked. I was breathless, my heart still pounding in my chest.

"No, but it's messy," she chuckled lightly, so lightly it was barely audible.

"I don't give a fuck. I want you right here." I pulled her into my side, my arm wrapping around her, my leg hooking with hers as she scooted closer. Neither of us seemed to be ready to part, and that was fine by me. More than fine.

"You want me right here?" she asked, nuzzling into the crook of my shoulder.

"I'm not ready to let you go yet," I admitted honestly.

"I think I like that." Honestly, so did I.

We lay there in silence for a long while, long enough that I would have thought she was asleep if it weren't for her breathing staying the same, and the way she placed little kisses along the tattooed lines of my chest almost absentmindedly.

"Tell me something," she said after a long while.

"Like what?"

"Tell me about your friend." She shifted, throwing her leg over me. I grabbed her thigh, helping her move to a more comfortable position, and honestly, happy to have that curvy little thigh to run my hand over as we talked.

"Which friend? I have a lot of friends." I was being a smartass, and she knew it. She smacked against my chest lightly. I could feel her smirk against my skin. The closeness was heady, and I had been honest when I'd said I wasn't ready to let her go.

"No, the one friend. The one you lost." I don't know why, but that was the last thing I thought she'd say at that moment. It took me a moment to recover and catch my breath. Talking about Martinez wasn't something I did often, and usually only in therapy. But for whatever reason, I wasn't afraid to tell her. Some part of me wanted to tell her.

"His name was Martinez. Javier Martinez," I began, feeling a flood of emotion I had been successful in pushing deep down inside myself for far too long rise towards the surface.

"He was a friend of yours?" she asked softly, her fingers playing over the lines of the tattoo on my chest.

"You could say that. More like a brother. In the same way that Jax, Deacon, and Sully are. We served together," I answered, already feeling my chest tighten with the urge to redirect the conversation and push these memories back into their little box in the back of my mind, where they belonged.

"I see."

"He was in the first squad that I commanded as a Marine. I was nervous as hell, being a squad leader for the first time. I took the job seriously, training them to the best of my ability, right up until the day our orders came down."

"Orders?"

"For deployment. We were shipped out for Afghanistan within a few short months after that," I answered with a heavy, emotion-laden sigh.

"Did you stay with all the same men, the ones you had trained? Or was it a new set of people?" she asked, showing me her genuine interest in my story. It made telling it at least a little bit easier. At least I wasn't talking to a brick wall — which was exactly how I'd felt speaking to therapist after therapist after I had returned.

"Men and women, but yes. We were all deployed together. Things went well after we arrived, all of us diving into the chaos that is deployment to a war zone." I shifted slightly, moving her in my arms until I was in a more comfortable position, able to put my other arm behind my head and stare at the ceiling as I recounted the events of those horrible, gruesome days .

"Days passed into weeks, but then new orders came down. I was ordered to take a few of my men and meet up with another group of people. It was a special ops mission, out of the blue, and completely different from our normal day-to-day duties."

"Sounds serious," she whispered, her lips vibrating against the skin of my shoulder.

"It was. Beyond serious. Though the mission itself was very simple." I took a deep breath, knowing that this was the hardest part of my tragic tale to tell. "It was a simple in-and-out mission. We were to go retrieve a small group of men who had been taken captive by the insurgents."

"So, a simple mission, but not an easy one to accomplish. Or a safe one, at that."

"Exactly. I took only the best and brightest from my unit. Martinez was at the top of that list. He had been the top in his company when we were back at Quantico, but out there, in the desert? He was something else. It was like he was infused with this power, this willpower, to do his best. To serve. Christ, the man worked harder than any other soldier in the unit. He was like a machine. And that's exactly what I needed on a mission like that."

"Things didn't go well, did they?" she asked in a timid voice, already knowing the answer. I shushed her, pressing a kiss to her temple.

"Hush. We're not to that part of the story yet, princess." Just using her honorific soothed me, calming my nerves and anxiety as the threat of my PTSD flaring overwhelmed me. "I led the way in the dead of night, going into uncharted and dangerous territory to retrieve the captive soldiers. Things went perfectly."

"They did?"

"They did. At first. We got in surprisingly easily. Looking back, that should have been my first warning that something wasn't right. It was like every obstacle instantly buckled under our assault. No lives lost, only one guard, who we were able to take down without maiming or killing the man."

"God, I can't even imagine…" she trailed off, speaking more to herself than to me. Still, her voice only worked to further soothe the trauma that threatened to take control. It wasn't easy talking about these things. There was a time I would have lashed out, or even become violent in some cases. Lord knows Deacon landed himself a few black eyes in the early days of my recovery.

"We were almost out of the building, all the captured men at our sides, although some were in much worse shape than they had entered. Just before we made a clean exit, we were attacked." Maddy's arms tugged me a little closer, her body shifting until more of her skin touched mine. It was the simplest act, but it provided me with a comfort I hadn't known I needed.

"It was an ambush. Christ, they came from everywhere. We were outnumbered, outgunned, and out of options. The firefight began, and it just wasn't enough."

"What did you do?" she asked in the smallest of voices, as though she were afraid to interrupt or cause me grief. My free hand moved up and down her arm, providing her a comfort I could not put into words at that moment. If I was being honest, comforting her soothed me as well. It grounded me to the now, protecting me from getting lost in the past. The last thing I wanted was to go into a full-blown flashback.

"Martinez pulled me back, his gun slung over my shoulder as he shot a man advancing straight at me, a makeshift bayonet attached to the end of his gun. He saved my life."

"Niko," she sighed against my arm. There was sadness in her voice. More than that, there was a grief in her tone, one that only someone who had lost a loved one themselves could understand.

"It's ok," I reassured her, holding her just a little bit closer as I continued.

"Martinez had a plan. He shouted it at me amidst the gunshots. The sound was so loud, each shot echoing as metal met metal. His plan was better than any I had at that moment, so I made a snap decision to run with his plan, only suggesting a few minor changes. I put Martinez in charge of leading the men out of there while a few of us stayed back, pushing the barrage of insurgents back and holding them off as best we could."

"That makes sense," she muttered.

"It does?" I was surprised by her words. Looking back, none of my decisions that night made sense. Even with hours upon hours of therapy, I'd never been able to rid myself of the guilt I carried with me to this day.

"Well, yeah. If you sent the men beneath you — is that how you say it?"

"It works."

"Well, you sent them out with the men who needed rescuing. That way, if there were casualties, you protected your men. You literally put your own life on the line." Her wisdom stirred something deep within me, a sensation so ineffable it danced beyond the confines of speech. I shook off the feeling, trying my best to tamp down whatever that unnamed emotion was, though I failed miserably in the attempt.

"Yeah," I finally managed to utter, my throat tight with the emotion that threatened to spill out. "Something like that."

"So what happened next?" she asked, a yawn almost cutting off her words as she nuzzled closer.

I took a deep breath, feeling emotion threatening to choke me.

"Martinez's plan was the best option we had, given our situation. I had no way of knowing that the insurgents had completely surrounded our position. As soon as he and the men we'd rescued got out of the building, they came under fire. Martinez…" I paused, taking another slow breath in, and exhaling. "He got them out. He did it. But… he didn't make it. He and two other men from my squad went down during the exfiltration."

I pinched the bridge of my nose to stave off the tears that were trying to escape.

"I know I made the best choice I could, given the circumstances. I know Martinez knew the risks and accepted them. But to this day, I cannot shake the feeling that his death was my fault. That it should have been me who led those men out of there."

To my surprise, Maddy didn't argue, or try to convince me I was wrong. She just hugged me close, placing soft kisses along my chest and shoulder.

"I can't imagine how hard that must be, Niko. I'm sorry you were forced to make such a terrible choice."

I nodded and hugged her in return. "I think that's about as much as I can say on the matter tonight. Let's get some sleep, okay? I've got you."

She gave no protest, for once. She snuggled into me, our legs intertwined. Within a few minutes, her breathing slowed and evened out, letting me know she was asleep.

For me, sleep was a long way off. There was too much emotion swirling inside of me. Talking about Martinez did that to me.

However, if I were being honest with myself, there was something far more serious welling up inside of me, threatening to break through.

Good thing I was a damned good liar when I needed to be.