5. Jae

Chapter five

Jae

"I sometimes get too scared to watch the tv or check the newspaper. I get scared I'm going to see your name on there and realise you won't come back to me."

Forty minutes later, with half of the bags unpacked, I find myself still sitting on the kitchen floor not feeling any more confident than I did when I first decided to call Bee.

Not wanting the shopping to spoil, I quickly unpack the rest of the bags, attempting to get my life in some sort of order, hoping to find a sense of direction… but I can't help but feel lost. The one thing I took away from my phone call with someone I thought would fix all my problems, was that moving to the place I knew meant so much to the only guy I've ever loved was stupid.

How could I think anything good would come from this?

Luckily, Bee didn't do the one thing I knew Isaac would do if it was him I'd rang instead.

She didn't tell me to come home.

Instead, she told me to sort myself out and make the most of my freedom. And that she's also in need of a room ready for her to come and visit when she needs to escape from her husband and baby.

Scratching at my wrist, I look down at the small tattoo there – the only one I have. I have never been a fan of tattoos; I appreciated the art and always admired them from afar, but they were never something I wanted on myself. But I knew the importance of the word and how much it impacted my life the moment I heard it spoken to me the first time; and having it on my skin permanently was the only solution I had.

If my father knew about the one I have, he'd be turning in his grave.

The four-letter word ‘Home' stands proudly in contrast against my dark skin. I often think that the word alone is what got me through the difficult times being on the field.

The army had never been a big fan of tattoos. Luckily, the simple word was easy to keep out of sight if needed, but the importance of it was always there with me. It became my own badge of honour.

More so the importance of what the word represented was always with me.

But the more I stare at the four-letter word, I'm reminded, my home isn't a place. It's him. The tattoo is my constant reminder. Sometimes it had been too painful to look at and other times I stared at it more than I care to admit.

However, it was also something I often kept concealed, I didn't speak of it much.

I didn't speak much of him…

Dax Whitmore is the man I couldn't stop myself from falling for.

He made it easy, especially when he thought of himself otherwise.

Those lucky enough to be let into his bubble knew the real Dax. Before I left, he had an unstoppable energy, the power to make everyone in the room instantly feel calm and content, and the most beautiful face with piercing blue eyes you wouldn't be able not to notice.

He was a force to be reckoned with and from the moment he walked into my life, I knew I needed to make him mine. I've always been open about my sexuality, those who knew me in the army knew I was attracted to males and not females. I've never been afraid of being who I am, instead, I embrace it. He was everything my brain was telling me to stay away from, but my heart said completely different the moment he locked eyes with mine. The way his lips moved to create the most beautiful smile knocked my world off its axis. It made me forget how to breathe.

Meeting someone I connected with so passionately had never been something I dreamed of happening while in the army – let alone in general. I did not expect it to happen at a time when things weren't certain for me. For a while, we had been on edge not knowing when we were about to be called on tour or not knowing if we were going to be relocated to a different base. For those reasons, I decided to distance myself from people. I wasn't certain of what was going to happen, and it wasn't fair to anyone on the receiving end. But I'm a firm believer in things happening for a reason, and whether time was on our side or not, Dax was that reason.

And no matter how hard I try; I will never be able to forget about the day I first met him.

"Hey, Jae man, get another round for us. Yeah?" Isaac shouts towards me as I make my way over to the bar to order some more drinks.

Thankfully, with it not being term time for the students attending the nearby university, the pubs are quiet as they aren't surrounded by drunken bodies dancing and shouting to one another.

The only time I'll enjoy being out with the guys is when I know it won't be busy.

"Hi, I'll have two beers and two waters please... Actually, make those two Diet Cokes. Party hard," I asked the server.

Luckily, Isaac doesn't drink alcohol either, so I've never felt the impulse of drinking when I've been around him. Like I once used to before joining the army. He's shown me the meaning of having fun sober, and I've been able to enjoy myself more than I have in years. After securing the tray and slowly making my way back to the table, I noticed a group of guys from the corner of my eye – since I moved onto the barracks here, I've become used to seeing regular people and learning the names of familiar faces. But this group stands out.

"Pool?" Isaac suggests to which I reply with a nod of my head.

I've never been a fan of the game, but it passes time and I've noticed I'm good at it regardless.

After collecting the cues from behind the bar, the four of us make our way over to the table with Noah and Max arguing instantly over who's first and who's playing against who.

"I'll take the winner..." A deep voice breaks through my focus. Not one I'm familiar with, heavily accented.

Automatically, I know the owner of the voice isn't from around here and the most probable reason for that is that he is a student. Even though the UK is a small place, it's obvious where people are from by the tone of their voices, especially with us being in the Midlands, and this is a strong northern accent, which isn't what I'm used to hearing around here.

Before I'm able to reply, I find myself coughing multiple times, my drink going everywhere and the guys breaking into laughter.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to shock you. You, okay?" the deep voice asks.

"Yeah, um hey. Sure. You take the winner, that cool lads?" I reply timidly.

Max is the first one to speak up, obviously.

"Yeah, man! Bring it," he squeals – his enthusiastic cockney twang could be heard from miles away.

That's always been the one thing I've been jealous about when hanging out with the boys, how easy they find it to talk to other people, where most of the time, I enjoy keeping to myself.

"Cool. I'm Dax by the way, this is Isla and Ace. We're just heading out for a smoke, but we'll be back after."

"Sweet, cool, yeah. I'm Jae. This is Isaac, Max, and Noah."

Dax replies with a nod of the head and the most beautiful smile I have ever seen, and I can't help but watch as he and his friends walk towards the door, unable to take my eyes away from the back of him as he makes his way outside.

"Jae, mate. Everything okay?" I hear Isaac say, coming up from behind me to join me at my side.

Without turning to face him, I keep my eyes on the door Dax and his friends walked out of.

"I'm fucked, Isaac. That's what I am."

"Yeah. It looks that way too, mate." He laughs, squeezing my shoulder.

I blink away the memory after slowly getting under my duvet laid on top of my makeshift bed. I quickly fall asleep while staring up at the ceiling, playing the same images over and over in my mind and thinking of the same blue eyes while silently knowing that they will forever haunt my mind.