4. Jae

Chapter four

Jae

"At night, I sit staring at the door, waiting and hoping for you to walk through it and fall straight into my arms."

One week later

"I know your life has changed now, mate, but Wales? Do you really want to do that to yourself? I mean come on. Wales? Did that bullet wound take some of your brain cells too?" Isaac questions with a perplexed look on his face, clearly confused about the news I've sprung on him. But there's a hint of something else too. Sadness.

A shallow laugh escapes me at his questions. They're the same ones that have been on my mind for the past week.

"Yeah, mate. It's what I need to do." I turn to face him.

I had known from the first moment I told Issac about my plans, he would be against them. I also knew he wouldn't stop me from doing what I feel is right. He wouldn't be able to stop me either way. No one would.

"What did Noah say about it? Surely, you've told him, right? Please tell me he's told you ‘not a fucking chance.' I can't imagine him allowing you to do this, and he's the youngest of us all. This is something I'd expect him to do, not you," he tells me.

"Isaac, I was shot. I was lucky to make it out alive. Some don't. I need to be as far away from here as I can possibly get right now. I'm no longer who I thought I was. I'm not a soldier anymore, brother. I'm just Jae," I explain.

"Well, just Jae. Soldier or not, you're still my brother. I don't like the idea of you being so far away, alone," he pushes.

"And what am I going to do when you go back out on tour or when you go off training? I'm going to be on my own at some point. I may as well get used to it somewhere I can feel comfortable. Somewhere where I can start a new life." I outwardly sigh, my shoulders relaxing with the movement.

"But I won't be there with you. We can't protect each other when you're so far away from me." He runs a hand through his short hair that's now starting to grow back from its buzzed state before rubbing his hand over his face in frustration.

"You don't even live in the barracks anymore; you have a wife! You have a baby on the way! I can't third-wheel you forever." My voice starts to croak.

"Please don't tell me you're doing this all for one guy. One guy who decided to end it over a letter, may I add. One guy I still haven't broken the legs of. One guy who has earned himself a one-way ticket to my fist if I ever see him again, may I also add."

The one guy who broke my heart , is another thing I want to add to Isaac's protest, but that's better left unsaid. If he had it his way, he'd have me locked in the spare room of his house and he'd make me live off rations for the rest of my life. Which honestly, doesn't sound that bad when I think about it.

He starts to walk to the other side of my mostly packed bedroom where I had a punching bag which is no longer there. For a moment, I regret that being the first thing I packed away – it probably would have been useful for him right now. I turn my head to look at his face, ignoring the rest of the packing I need to do, and I notice tears starting to well up in his eyes, which instantly fills me with guilt.

He never cries.

He's the strong one. The one who takes care of us all. Indestructible.

"I need to do it. I can't explain why, but my heart is telling me I need to go. I don't know what's going to happen, I don't know if he's going to be there. Hell, I'm probably the last person he will want to see because he's mine." I take a breath before continuing, "Just something about that town calls to me, like I belong there, like I always have. I can't explain it, but the first time I set my eyes on that small town, I could finally breathe. Like I had been struggling for oxygen all along and suddenly I'd been given some. Call it destiny, fate, or even kismet, all I know is that I belong in that town. I knew I wanted to call it my home someday."

He sighs heavily. "I can't say I understand you, because I don't. And as much as I want to stop you, I'm not going to. Just make sure my room is ready for when I come and knock on your door. I'll need somewhere to barricade myself away from a wife and a baby and your door is the first I'll come knocking."

"My home is your home," I promise.

"As is mine, brother."

Instead of Isaac punching something or someone, I manage to talk him into helping me load the rental van out front. With the two of us doing the job, it doesn't take too long, thankfully. And before I know it, I'm leaving behind an empty room and preparing to leave with everything I own.

Turning to face him, I bring my hand out for our usual handshake, but the moment our hands touch, he hauls me into the tightest embrace someone has ever given me.

"You get one wrong feeling; anything goes wrong at all. You come straight home, soldier, you got that?" he demands, pulling himself away from my hold and pointing at me with a stern look on his face.

"Straight home." I nod, and his features relax into a small smile.

"Now go, get your ass on the road so you can get there before it starts to get dark. I need my room set up as soon as possible," he playfully orders.

I roll my eyes at his admission. "Prick."

He laughs in response and squeezes my shoulder before letting go as I hold my head up high once again, and climb into the van with all my belongings. I'm feeling both excited for my new journey and simultaneously grieving for everything I've left behind.

But I feel ready to face the world as ‘just Jae.'

I always knew the small coastal town in Wales would be the place I would retire after leaving the army; even though the time came much quicker than I originally thought. I'm thankful all the same.

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive.

Shortly after picking up the keys to my new home, a two-bed cottage, I text Isaac, letting him know I made it. After five missed calls and multiple texts, I snap some photos and quickly send them off to him, to which he responds by telling me which room is going to be his.

Taking a seat on the wooden floors looking out the windows, I realise for the first time in a long time, I'm able to sit in silence and breathe, whispering a silent prayer. I hadn't grown up in a religious household and never understood the meaning behind religion. Even with that, there were times on the field when I didn't know if I would make it out alive or not. Those silent prayers became a way to express my gratitude for making it another day.

Deciding to take another look around the empty house, I start to create a mental note of items I need to purchase to make this place feel like a home. I‘m grateful for the payout I received from being medically discharged, but even more thankful to myself for being smart with my money and saving instead of drinking it away like I once would have. I was able to purchase a mattress before I moved here so I had somewhere to sleep and some garden chairs to use until I knew what I wanted in the rooms. So, I have somewhere to sit but I'm eager to have everything sorted and finally have a home.

Joining the military did two things for me, saved me from becoming an alcoholic mess, and forced me to mature much quicker than I thought was possible. As thankful as I am for the structure my career gave me, it was time for me to take the reins of my life again and experience all the things I wasn't able to before.

Feeling drained from drowning in self-pity, I decide a walk could do me some good.

When I saw the house online for the price it was, it had been too good to pass up. So, I made an offer, with no expectation of it being accepted. With the timing of things, I didn't have the chance to have a look around the neighbourhood before the paperwork was finalised. With the feeling of peace other parts of the town brought to me, I didn't doubt this area would do the same.

I open the notes app on my phone once again and finish typing out a list of things I need, in hopes I can pick some items up while out.

I quickly pull up Google Maps on my phone, looking for the closest supermarket. After finding out there's a Sainsburys not far from the house, I go into the cupboard underneath the stairs and grab a coat and a pair of shoes, quickly putting them on before leaving the house behind.

After two hours of aimlessly walking around the supermarket before making my way back home, I return and place the bags on the counter after a well-stocked food shop. I take in the space around me for the hundredth time today, but as thankful as I am for being here, I can't help but have a feeling of self-doubt and sadness.

Why the hell did I come here in the first place?

The one question that has run through my brain every second of the day since I got here.

As I slowly start to unpack the bags filled with items, mostly for the kitchen, I decide the only option is calling the only person I know who will tell me to get a grip.

Bee, Isaac's wife.

The only person who isn't scared of kicking my ass.

So, I place my phone on the kitchen counter after connecting it to Alexa, preparing myself for the biggest scolding and reality check I've had yet.