3. Jae

Chapter three

Jae

"My biggest fear is that eventually you'll see me the way I see myself."

My palms start to sweat as my stomach churns. The food I had eaten earlier is threatening to rise as I sit silently, waiting for the follow-up from the medical board after my assessment of physical and medical well-being; the outcome is what scares me the most.

The fear of the possibility that I am no longer a member of the armed forces.

The most stable thing in my life, gone in the blink of an eye.

In an attempt to get rid of the sweat gathering on my palms, I rub them against the fabric covering my thighs, but it's no use. If anything, it makes it worse. Instead, I try to distract myself by focusing on the way my knees are bouncing uncontrollably as I wait for the answer to my future.

When I first joined, I never thought this would be how I would leave.

I should feel relieved that I'm able to get out with so many of my brothers still back out there on the field; but the idea that I got the ‘easy way out,' almost makes me feel guilty, a part of me unable to shake the feeling of being ashamed, unable to do more. Unable to do better.

I have always known that I wanted to follow my father's footsteps in the army. It had been going well and I felt worthy of being his son… Until I didn't.

Everything had gone downhill from that moment on the field, I knew it was over for me from the pain alone.

God, the pain was something else. It was both excruciating and unbelievable. It felt like I had just been punched by an iron fist along my left side. Within seconds the pain magnified, becoming intense and uncontrollable. I had never felt such agony, and when my fingers returned covered in blood from where I touched the injury, I accepted my fate. I knew that my dreams had quickly become a warped reality. Nothing and no one can prepare you for the things you will witness when you're on tour, and that alone makes me feel thankful I was able to get out… even the way I did.

"I guess this is the end of the line, brother. It was an honour being by your side."

I hear Williams whispering behind me. I could recognise his voice anywhere.

Brother. Not soldier. Brother.

I have always been thankful for Isaac since I joined the military. We had quickly become friends, and soon after, he became my brother. His friendship means the world to me. I decided to enrol not long after I lost my father, and he did the same. He had followed his old man into the army too.

And now we knew what idiots we were for it.

The thought of how he must have felt when he received the call that I was injured on the field haunts me. The idea of losing the only family I have left brings tears to my eyes without it being a reality. We've all had scares over the years, but this was the first time we've been on tour without being by each other's sides.

And part of me is glad for that, because if I wasn't injured, it would have most likely been him.

"I'm not going to let you go back in there alone. I'm here, brother. I promise I'll be here for as long as you need me to be."

"I guess this is it." I sigh, glancing to my side where he's standing, and like usual, he attempts to lighten my mood. But his face is etched with worry as he stares down at me. When it relaxes, he stretches his arm towards me, helping pull me up, I bite back the groan of pain that threatens to escape me, but he doesn't miss it, he's too perceptive for his own good.

He takes hold of my arm, not letting go. And we come face to face, our hands on each other's forearms for support.

But as sad as I feel to admit it, part of me wishes I never came back home.

Unwelcome images go back and forth in my mind, flashing from the moment I got shot, to waking up in a field hospital. The sounds of screams surround me, the shouting of those dragging me to a hiding spot, the sound of static from the shitty radio we had on hand, but most of all, the pain.

"Sir, it's Summers. He's been hit. We need a medic on the ground. NOW." A young male's voice takes over the images, rattling through my head, again and again, on repeat.

Noah, my kid brother in the forces. I took him under my wing as soon as he joined. We all did, especially Isaac. He said he reminded him of his brother back home, so he instantly felt the need to protect him, and he enjoyed having him around. I did too. And he was the last person I would want to see me like that.

And he was also the person who saved my life.

The reason I'm standing here right now.

The reason I'm left feeling so deflated, because while I'm here, he's still there.

Fighting a battle I wish he never got himself in in the first place.

One I wish none of us got ourselves into in the first place.

"How is he?" I ask.

"Who?"

"Noah. How is Noah?"

"I've just said, he's fine. He's shaken up still, but he's fine. Don't worry about him Jae, the others have got him covered. He'll be home soon; you've got other things to worry about right now. Like yourself."

"None of this is important right now," I mutter.

"None of this is important? Brother, have you registered what has happened? You got shot. You were hurt. I thought I lost you. I didn't know if I had until you touched down and I was able to lift you into my arms like the dead weight you are. You really think the others would let anything happen to each other like that? Especially after what we've been through. Please focus on yourself for one moment, Jae, please just put yourself first."

"If I put myself first, that means this is real. It can't be real. Not yet."

"It's as real as it's ever going to be." He stares directly at me.

I try to believe what he's telling me but I don't feel like I made it out alive, I feel as though I got a one-way ticket to hell and I'm living my worst nightmare.

One I'll never wake up from.

After what seems like forever, but was only thirty minutes, the double doors finally open and out comes one of the doctors from the board meeting.

"We're ready for you back in there, Summers."

Summers.

Not Major.

Summers.

"I'm right behind you," Isaac says as I feel his hand squeeze my shoulder.

I take a few seconds to wonder whether it's best to ask him to leave so I can do this on my own. But I quickly conclude that I don't want to be alone right now.

I can't be alone right now.

So, I take his hand from my shoulder, tightly gripping it in my own, and squeeze as we make our way back into the room with our heads held high. Ready for whatever path my future is going to take.