2. Dax

Chapter two

Dax

"No matter how much time I spend away from you, it's too much. I never want to do it again."

Work had gone quicker than other days, most likely thanks to the sun making an appearance and people following in its stead. No matter how busy or quiet it can be though, I'm always grateful for the life it's giving us – the record shop was a dream come true for me. But I think for Ty, too. While studying, I started to work part-time in a small record shop not far from campus, mostly to pass the time. I didn't go out much and was always frugal with my money, so any extra I had left over after purchasing necessities was used to add to the collection of tattoos that were now covering my body.

Not long after I started working at the shop, I felt with every fibre of my being, there was nothing else I would rather do. I knew eventually I would want to combine my love and passion for music into something that would allow me to give back to others.

I wanted to offer a safe place, an outlet for those who needed it most.

And so, Ocean Notes Records was born.

Ty didn't question me once when I mentioned the idea of opening our own record shop, he didn't shut me down, he didn't tell me I was stupid. Not like others. Instead, he told me what a good idea it was. I laughed in panic when I realised how onboard he was and since it was my idea, he told me the name of the store could be whatever I wanted it to be.

That was the easiest part of it all.

We shared a moment of laughter together at first. Him laughing at the name, me laughing at how awkward I felt for what I had spoken out loud. But for once, I had to take myself seriously. When we stopped, I plucked up the courage to explain why the name was important to me, and nervously awaited questions about why it was so important. Questions I wasn't prepared to answer. I felt a large amount of ease the moment he agreed to the name. I stopped panicking and started focusing on the shop becoming a real place and no longer just an idea in the back of my head. Having the shop allowed me to focus on other things and with the help of some others, we were able to turn the place around faster than we thought would have been possible. Special shout out to the late nights, no sleep, and endless amounts of coffee from next door. We were able to open the doors of the shop two weeks after we moved in.

We made it, Mum.

Opening day was both a huge disaster and overwhelming success. More people came by than expected, and we probably wouldn't have made it past the first hour without the help of those around us. But somehow, we survived.

Our best friend and guardian angel was watching from above, making sure things went as smoothly as possible, but secretly, I dread to think how things would have actually gone if she was here on the day. We always wondered if Mum had OCD – the mess we made would have been her worst nightmare. But the only thing that was important to us was that we made her proud. And I believe that's exactly what we did.

One can hope, anyway.

From the moment we closed the door on opening day, we made a vow to one another. We would do the best we could with the shop, we would open, no matter the circumstances, and ensure those who needed a safe space, or a calming zone had access to one at times they would need it the most.

But today was shaping up to be one of our most difficult since opening day.

I couldn't concentrate no matter how hard I tried. My train of thought seemed to keep wandering to the one place it shouldn't.

To him.

The other place that felt like home to me.

The moment my feet make it through the entrance of our front door, I grasp my bike keys off the hook on the wall and run back outside, not bothering to respond to Tyler when he asks what's wrong. If he could see, then it was getting bad. The fresh air filling my lungs and the sounds of the sea clashing against stone is what I desperately need, they had become my own personal theme tune.

With how often I needed to escape.

The scenic routes and open air were some of the main reasons I knew I wanted to move back here in the first place. It offered me a sense of familiarity – my mind felt a likeness to the crashing waves. Similar to how I felt on the inside. They were chaotic, yet silenced my unwanted thoughts. Therapy and medication never seemed to work for me. I've never been one to speak about my feelings, so as soon as having the chance to speak to someone else was suggested by the doctor, I rejected it immediately. I tried medication, but over time I felt it didn't help me be normal again. Instead, it clouded my mind with fog, leaving me feeling inhuman, almost as though I had lost myself and had been replaced anew. So, when we first spoke about moving back here, the tension in my body had disappeared because we knew that even though they didn't work, this would.

While studying, I chose to go somewhere in equal distances between my safe space and Ty. That way, I could get to both easily whenever I needed to. I visited this town regularly, mostly to remind myself of the beauty that I called home. The idea of moving further away for my studies had come to mind. When first applying, I had grades high enough to apply to wherever I wanted. "You need to get the real university experience, D." Ty never missed a beat reminding me. But that never appealed to me. And I knew deep down, if I was to move further away, I would soon regret it and want to come straight back.

So, staying close was the only option for me. I ensured I moved out of the house me and Ty shared during term time, but during breaks, with no hesitation, I always returned.

I always came back home.

Gripping the handlebars, I come to a swift corner and lean with it. Even with my helmet on, I feel the impact of the wind against me, it's exhilarating. I've always chosen to ride along the back roads towards the cliffs as they were never an issue for me, others don't enjoy it due to the powerful force coming straight from the sea, but the sensation never made me feel more alive - grounded, safe, secure.

From the moment I drove off from the motorcycle dealer it had become an extension of myself. Whenever I felt the need to escape, I would start it up and listen to the deep vibration of it like it was the greatest song I'd ever heard.

It was the first ‘real' purchase I had made from the extra money I was getting from working part-time at the record shop. I knew I needed some wheels for me to easily be able to come back home when I wanted to but as soon as my eyes laid upon my vintage baby, it was fate, and I knew I had fallen in love. I was able to make the down payment for the bike and take it away the same day.

The idea of owning a motorbike never came to me until the first year of my studies when I met Ace, who instantly became a close friend of mine. He seemed to quickly understand me in ways not many bothered to. He took his time with me, getting to know me, and never pressured me into doing anything I didn't want to. After multiple times of him trying to persuade me to have a go of his bike, I finally gave in. I had watched him enough to learn how to control it that I felt comfortable to have a go for myself. After my first time, I quickly became the one pestering him to borrow his keys and practice. He was sad he was losing his bike to his best friend, but he was also ecstatic about me finally giving something a chance. Even more so when I got my own keys so I didn't need to use his anymore.

I was finally able to grasp the freedom I craved for so long.

Returning my attention back to the road, I grasp the handles tighter, riding at a speed I couldn't usually, and before long, the cliffs were in sight and the sound of the ocean was filling my ears.

My safe space.

After turning into the car park, I lock up the bike and take my regular short walk down the pathway. One of my favourite views comes into sight, and my body instantly feels relieved - the sea being another thing which could never keep me away.

I never really understood the power the sea had over me, but I never questioned it.

Taking a short stroll down the pathway, I come face to face with the reason I escape here so often.

Mum's bench.

Family walks along the walkways near the cliffs were something we all enjoyed doing when we were younger, Mum encouraged us to get as much fresh air as possible. A ‘nice walk' was her solution to everything. So, asking the council if it was possible to have a bench placed here in honour of her was the second thing we did when we moved back here.

We wanted Mum to be here with us, too, we couldn't leave her behind.

It wasn't as difficult a process as we thought it would be, and as soon as the council agreed, we were able to raise the funds for the bench on the opening day of the store and quickly had it placed with Mum's plaque on top in a matter of days, thanks to a local craftsman.

We had another plaque created, identical to the one sat here, and placed it on the wall in the shop. That way, our favourite person, as always, is in our two favourite places, and beside us at all times, whenever we need her.

Just like she always was.

And together, we could once again, sit and watch the waves ahead in silence.

It's moments like this which remind me that the views ahead could never keep me away, so when times would get difficult or I started to feel overwhelmed, I always knew this was the place I needed to come to help clear my mind. I brought Ace once, wanting to share a part of me with someone I was so thankful for being my friend, but I often brought someone else at times when things got too much for me.

Taking a seat on the ground, next to Mum's bench, I stare out as far as my eyes can take me, watching the ships in the distance glide across the water, wondering where they're going, and the birds circling the water, probably seeking food. Slowly, my mind starts to turn towards where it always goes when I'm alone, sometimes even while I'm surrounded by so many things it becomes overwhelming.

And I'm never able to shake the phantom feeling of strong arms wrapped around me, promising safety.