55. Jae

Chapter fifty-five

Jae

"The stars have decided to take pity on us and have finally aligned. We've found each other amongst them."

Bernie walks over to the pot outside the shop entrance and picks up a small white flower. "This little flower here is called a snowdrop, they are wildflowers, so people overlook them. Betsy loved them though. Always put a smile on her face when they bloomed, they did." He chuckles. "I renamed them as Betsy's smile after she'd gone. Made sure my whole garden was full of them. They're beautiful little things." I recognise the flower from Dax's side and part of me feels guilty. He has new flowers tattooed on him which I haven't asked the meaning for, so I've made an attempt to ask Bernie about them when I've seen them in the shop.

"What do they mean?"

"Hope, rebirth, overcoming new challenges. I think people overlook them because they're so small. People don't really appreciate their beauty."

And I agree. They don't.

I take a seat on the stool by the front door. The weather is nice today, it isn't too hot, isn't too cold. I've appreciated the hot weather a lot more now I don't have to wear a heavy uniform. Bernie comes and sits on the stool beside me, taking his cap from his head to wipe with his arm. "What's on your mind son? You look lost in thought."

Am I that obvious?

I'm scared my partner doesn't see how amazing he is. I'm scared I'm going to push him away when I'm trying to help him. I'm scared he'll resent me for wanting him to see a doctor. I'm scared he'll hate what the doctor will say. I'm scared he doesn't know how beautiful he really is even when I try to remind him everyday.

"Hypothetically, if someone you loved needed some extra help and the only way they could get that help would be by seeing a medical professional, how do you ask that of them? How do you tell them you think this is the right idea when deep down, you're scared it could be the worst."

He lets out a sigh, followed by a smile.

"When Betsy started getting sick, I had to convince her to go to the doctor. She was having none of it. I don't think it's because people are scared to go to the doctor themselves, I think it's because they're scared of what the doctor may or may not say. They're scared of the truth, what it might mean for the people in their lives. And, son, all we can do is make sure the ones we love know we'll be there for them no matter what. It's important to find out the truth, which is why we go to the doctors in the first place, but it's just as important having someone to lean on when you need to, too. In my experience, you just gotta tell them straight. Tell them you're trying to help. And you'll be there by their side every step of the journey."

He goes to carry on the conversation, but we're interrupted when the doorbell chimes and in walks a guy with his hood up, covering his face. Bernie notices who it is even before I do.

"Dax, you're going to give an old man a heart attack if you come walking in like that. I thought you were going to try to rob me."

"Fuck, I'm sorry, Bernie."

"No worries, good job I have a strong young man sitting here to protect me, hey?" He throws a wink at Dax and I swear I can see eyes darken. Part of me wants to laugh as Bernie is harmless, but I don't want to make anything worse.

Jumping from the stool, I walk towards him, pressing my hand under his chin, lifting his head up to meet mine, and press a gentle kiss to his lips. "You okay? You're not meant to finish for a few more hours yet."

"Oh, yeah. I'm good, we closed up early. Ty has gone to help Novah and her sister at their family bar, Prancing Pony I think he said. He seemed excited, he mentioned there's a stage area and he's going to try to convince them to allow him to have an open mic night. I liked seeing him excited, he asked if I wanted to go but I told him to run ahead."

"Prancing Pony?! They do the best cawl."

"That sounds disgusting," Dax speaks up.

"Nothing disgusting about it, son, it's just lamb stew, some veg and bread. I don't know how it got the name, I ain't complaining though cause it's my favourite," he says as he stands, making his way back towards the till area. "Anyway, I haven't got much else to do here, Jae. If you want to head off early with your boyfriend you can, I'm in tomorrow if you want to come hang around again."

"Are you sure? If you need a hand with anything, I don't mind staying."

"No, it's okay son, you get going," he replies instantly.

Well now I feel like he's kicking me out.

I notice Dax walking to the far side of the shop, the wall that stands out the most. It's beautifully decorated with bursts of colours, guarded by flowers of all shapes and sizes. Flowers I recognise from being tattooed on his skin and flowers I've never seen before.

"Are you able to make me a bouquet, Bernie?"

"Never need to ask son, you could make yourself one if you wanted. What's the occasion?"

"I need to go see Mum. I haven't been there in a while, I could do with two of the same actually. Two to take to a grave."

"Give me ten minutes." Bernie smirks.

He didn't lie when he said it would only take ten minutes. Bernie created some of the most beautiful bouquets I've ever seen. Dax explained what the flowers meant in the car on the way to the cliffs. Carnations, resembling love and remembrance, hydrangea, resembling sympathy, lily, resembling innocence and small bunches of forget-me-nots for sympathy. The colours complement each other beautifully as they catch the sun while sitting on Dax's lap, and I can't help but think how beautiful his skin would look with some of those flowers added to his collection.

"Is everything okay? You decided you wanted to come here suddenly. Did something happen?" I ask, scared what the answer will be

"Oh no, nothing happened. I just haven't been here in a while. I just wanted to come speak to Mum, that's all."

He feels distant, cold.

Does this mean I'm losing him?

I choose not to say anything else, scared of the thought it could overwhelm him, so I nod, keeping by his side as we walk down the pathway together.

He cuts off to the left, towards Lottie's grave. I haven't been here in a while, and I feel a sense of guilt washing over me. Idah has been distant recently, I haven't wanted to push her. I've been sending regular texts asking if she's okay and she's been responding, but she hasn't asked me to come with her to the grave and I haven't wanted to invite myself in case she doesn't want me there. She knows I'm here whenever she needs me, and I just have to hope she'll come around soon.

Dax places the smaller bouquet in front of Lottie's grave. We've both started to do this, when we've come, even when Idah hasn't asked us to. It became a routine for us. And with there being no fresh flowers laid out, it's obvious she hasn't been here recently either.

If anyone can understand Idah better than me, it's him.

He doesn't say anything, another way I know he isn't okay. He walks back over and laces his fingers with my own, holding on tightly as he leads me towards the back gate.

He continues to stay silent when he lays the flowers on the bench, holding onto me tighter bringing me towards the edge of the cliffs, slowly taking a seat, hanging his feet over the edge.

I do the same.

"Will you see me differently if the doctors diagnose me?" His voice shakes.

How I wish I could scream. Not in anger. Not in sadness.

Does he really have no idea how much I'm in love with him?

"No. Nothing could change the way I see you or the way I love you."

"Promise?"

He doesn't need to ask me to promise. I'd give him the world if he asked.

"With all that I am."

He lets out a deep breath and his shoulders start to relax, but when he opens his mouth again, they start to tense back up.

"I've told Tyler. That I think I'm ready. I don't know how to go about it, making the appointments and everything else. I'm scared. I'm scared that if I do it, I'll talk myself out of it." He pushes his hair out his face, lifting his hood up over his head.

He's shutting the world out.

"Can you help me?"

"I'll sort it all out, don't worry. We've got this. And I've got you. Remember, you don't have to do this if you don't want to. We can wait, we don't need to rush into things. We just want to help."

"I know, but I can't wait anymore. I know something isn't right with me, and I need to know what it is. I feel as though I've got something wrapped around me, or I'm caged by something. Until I break it, or it lets me go, I'm scared I'll suffocate. I don't know what the doctors will say. And I think that scares me the most, but I know with you by my side, I can do it. I can do anything."

I just wish he knew he's capable of doing anything without me by his side.

He pulls out his headphones from his jacket pocket, pushing them into each ear to block out the world around us.

He's overwhelmed and I can feel it.

There's no reason to push him right now, so instead, I pull him into my arms, bringing his head to my chest, and I hold him while we watch the waves beyond.