54. Dax

Chapter fifty-four

Dax

"I continued to write because it's the only thing I knew how to do to deal with the idea of losing you. Writing to you meant a part of you was still there. No matter if you wanted to be or not."

"It's starting to get cold. I made you some coffee to help warm you up," Jae announces as he presses a kiss to my nose, dropping to sit back down next to me on the bench. "Do you want me to read for you?" He brushes my hair from my face.

With my head still buried in the paper, I quickly reply, "No, it's okay. I'm almost done. Thank you, though."

He smiles, nodding his head slowly as he opens his arms again, bringing me back into his chest as he pulls a blanket over our knees and reads the letters with me. He hasn't left my side, apart from getting numerous things such as drinks and snacks. But each time, he's made sure to come straight back outside, not wanting to leave me alone.

We have been outside for almost three hours now – the sun is due to set soon. The sky's still blue, mixed with hues of yellow and red light scattered around. The air is now turning colder, but that doesn't faze me. If anything, it's calming me.

The last time I received something as precious as these letters was my Walkman from Mum. Part of me is already scared that when I stop reading, they will disappear. I carefully immerse myself in the pages that are filled with feelings and confessions, words of love disguised as letters. I know this, because mine were the exact same. As I read his written words, I can hear his voice in my mind. It's as though he's been speaking through them to me all along while I'm cuddling into his chest, listening to the beating of his heart.

Coming to the final page, my mind starts to panic. I almost want to beg for this not to be the end. I think he notices that too when I can feel his eyes on me as I frantically search the box for more.

Would he write to me more if I asked?

"I don't want them to end," I whisper to the wind, and I feel Jae's arms come around me tighter.

"Are you okay?" he quietly asks into my ear.

An overwhelming feeling washes over me. It's not because I'm sad. I led myself to believe he was better off without me. I was better off without him. When all along, we've been the complete opposite. Without the pair of us knowing, our actions have told us we're nothing but right for each other.

I come to the last line. Carefully taking in each word, one by one.

Please don't end.

I knew I loved Jae. I've known from the first moment I laid eyes on him; but reading his feelings has formed something else, something deeper.

I've spent so long in denial. Missing this. Missing him. When all I needed was to open my eyes.

I carefully fold the paper the same way I opened it, placing it on top of the rest of the pile in the order they were originally, before slowly closing the lid of the box, and take a deep breath. I never realised something so small could impact me so much.

Taking it in both hands, I pick up the small box to take a closer look at it. It has Jae's name and his identification number, similar to what is on his dog tags. I bring it to my chest, pressing it against my heart, finally exhaling. Gently pulling it away, I hold it out slowly, giving him back the box when he instantly opens his mouth. "Keep it, it's yours."

"I can't do that, it's yours."

"And I'm yours. You need what's in that box more than I do. I saw the way your eyes lit up reading those letters, I felt how much you relaxed in my arms. Keep them so you can read them whenever you want too. Just please remember, what's written on those letters came from my heart. I meant every word."

I press a kiss to his lips, pulling back saying thank you gently, before going back in for another.

"I'm ready to go inside now, it's getting cold."

He stands. Pressing a kiss against the top of my head, and he holds out his hand. I take it and we walk inside, hand in hand. Together.

I carefully placed the tin of letters into the same drawer Jae told me he's been keeping them in all along shortly after we got back inside last night. I feel comfortable knowing they're there.

They are safe. Protected.

After spending the rest of the night on the sofa, we came into the shop today. Jae left shortly after getting here once he made sure we didn't need any help. Since he's started helping Bernie out at the florist, I've sensed a happiness I couldn't feel before. I know he is happy with me here, but being there, it's different. I was worried how him no longer being in the army would affect him. He joined long before he met me, all his friends and family are still there. But after witnessing the art he creates with flowers and the freedom it allows him to express, I think it's evident it's where he's always belonged.

But he'll always be my soldier.

Tyler has been on and off the phone all morning. We're closing early because he's helping Novah at their family bar, Prancing Pony, which her sister Jazz currently takes care of. I haven't told Jae I'm finishing early. I want to make sure I surprise him instead.

I've been spending more hours of the day thinking about talking to him and Ty about an assessment. I've written endless lists on paper, created multiple lists in my mind. I've tried to think of all the pros and all the cons, and each time, I'm led back to the same answer: if getting an assessment will help them and me, what's to lose?

"You okay, D? What are you thinking so hard about?" He stops what he's doing, turning to face me.

No, I feel like I'm suffocating. I'm scared a diagnosis will change everything. I'm worried you'll stop wanting to be around me. I'm terrified no one will love me anymore. I'm scared I'm going to lose myself.

"I'm fine."

He puts down the phone, giving me his full attention.

I hate it when he does this. I hate how he knows how I truly feel.

"Please talk to me."

"I'm scared."

"Why are you scared?" He's worried.

"I'm scared that the doctors don't know what's wrong with me. I'm scared that there's more to me that we don't know." Instead of shying away and holding my head in defeat, I lift it up to look directly in his eyes. "I'm scared I'm going to lose who I am and I'm scared no one can help."

And the fucker smiles at me.

He actually smiles at me.

"Why are you smiling?" My eyebrow arches, I can feel my face turning sour at how he's finding this funny.

"Because you didn't shy away. You didn't attempt to escape. You told me how you felt while looking at me."

I crumple the blank piece of paper in front of me, throwing it towards him. "Prick."

"Why are you really scared, D?"

"What if seeing a doctor doesn't help. What if we're getting our hopes up, maybe I'm just depressed? Nothing more. Nothing less."

He sighs, letting out a deep breath. It's a movement he's done more often with me recently. I'm exhausting him.

"Nobody is just depressed. Depression can hit anyone at any moment. We lost our mum, depression is normal. It just isn't spoken about enough." He coughs. He looks uncomfortable with his confession, and his hands move to fidget with the sleeves of his sweatshirt. I know he's uncomfortable because it's exactly what I do. "Instead of bottling things up, we need to talk about them. We can't run from things. We need to face them. Maybe you only have depression, but maybe you don't. Maybe you're autistic, maybe you're not. If taking you to see a doctor helps in any way, I think we should do it. You're not alone in this, I'll be there every step of the way. No matter what the doctors say, you'll still be my brother. You'll still be Dax. And you'll still be the person your boyfriend is in love with. I don't care. We don't care. We just want to help."

"I'll do it."

"You'll do what?"

I try to maintain the confidence he noticed I had, but before I can speak, I look towards the ground. "I'll do it. I'll go for a meeting with the doctor. I'll go for a second opinion."

He's attempting to stay calm in his seat, not wanting to overwhelm me. I can see by the tapping of his feet he wants to stand. I hesitate at first but then I lift my head, offering a sad smile. Before I can speak, he's throwing himself towards me and wrapping me in his arms.

"I'm so proud of you, Dax," he says quietly against my ear.

I think I'm proud of myself too.

He pulls himself back from his embrace, "Have you told Jae?"

"No, but I will. I think." I sigh. "I have to."

I take my hand and close my fingers around the dog tags on my neck.

"She'd be proud of you, too, you know." I start to disagree with what he's saying but he quickly cuts me off. "Don't, Dax. We both know she would."

Fuck, I hope so.

Ty's phone starts to ring. Novah's name flashes on the screen. He quickly moves over to answer it, telling her he's almost finished here and will make his way over to the bar soon.

"You can come with me if you want? There's a cool stage area. I've been thinking about maybe seeing if Jazz would allow me to do some open mic nights." I notice his face as he's talking. He's excited. He's always loved being in the shop with me, as soon as I mentioned the idea, he was straight onboard. But since he's started playing music, a new lease of life has come to Ty and I'm excited for him. He's spent all his time protecting me and making sure I did what I wanted, it's time he did what he wanted for himself.

"No, it's okay. I'll go walk over to the florist. I think you should speak to them about the open mic night, it sounds like a good idea." I force a smile on my face. I am happy for Ty, I really am. Just right now, my mind is overtaken with worry of what I'm going to tell Jae.

"Do you need any help locking up?"

I shake my head. I'll be leaving soon after him anyway. It won't take me long to lock the store.

He stands, putting his jacket on and grabbing his guitar bag, "If you need anything, you know where I am, yeah?"

And just like always, he's proving he will always have my back.