53. Jae

Chapter fifty-three

Jae

"I wonder if one day, you'll see that I never stopped writing."

"Rise and shine, baby," I quietly whisper into Dax's ear as I wake up next to him. The sun is shining brightly through the open windows in the living room, the sunflowers already dancing in the wind. The tones of orange and yellow reflect onto the white walls around us. It almost looks too good to be true. We both passed out last night, too exhausted to walk upstairs. I cleaned both of us before I closed my eyes, he'd fallen asleep before I did, and I made sure not to wake him.

Looking upon his face, I feel nothing but an overwhelming amount of admiration as I watch his head move side to side, disagreeing to wake up. I decide it's best to leave him asleep for a few more minutes as I quickly run upstairs and run a bath for him. He must be sore after last night, because I can definitely feel it in my thighs.

Turning on the tap and putting in some bubble bath, I walk into the bedroom, taking two pairs of pyjama bottoms before going into the airing cupboard on the landing and taking out two large towels, placing them both onto the unit in the bathroom before walking back downstairs to get Dax.

He's always been smaller than me, which helps because he's easier for me to carry.

He looks delicate as I hold him in my arms against my body, his pale skin in contrast with my darker skin. His freckles show the last few days we've spent in the sun and his hair starts to fall into his face as I bring him closer to me. He's mentioned he wants to get it cut short again, I love his hair both long and short. My eyes don't leave his face as I carefully take one step at a time up the stairs, slowly making it towards the bathroom.

Carefully lowering myself at the side of the tub, I check the water with my elbow before gently placing him into the water. His ocean blue eyes start to open as his body sinks into the water and he slowly moves forward, shrugging a shoulder, tipping his head backwards, signalling me to get in behind him.

Great minds think alike.

Not wanting to keep him waiting, I climb in behind him, one leg either side, pulling him back towards my chest.

"Thank you," he says as he inhales against me.

"You have nothing to thank me for."

"I have everything to thank you for."

I gently press a kiss to the back of his head, running my hand through his dark blonde hair.

He thanks me all the time for everything I've done for him, yet he refuses to believe just how much he's saved me.

I pull him closer into me, not wanting to let go. Soaking in the heat from his body and the scent of his skin as I lather up the loofah I got from the side, and I listen to him as he starts to softly sing the lyrics to one of his favourite songs.

Memory by Sugarcult.

What was supposed to be a relaxing bath turned into a repeat of last night when he catches me off guard while my head is tilted back on the edge of the tub. He turns his body, now facing me, straddling me in a hurried movement, causing some of the water to tip over the edge. But we don't care. His keenness makes me smile. I love every side there is to Dax but his confident and eager side makes me feel most at ease, because I know in this moment, he too is at peace away from all the negative thoughts that swarm his mind.

He is finally allowing himself to relax.

Taking my already hard length into his hands, I lean back, immersing myself in our synced gasps while doing so. Allowing my mind to blank, focusing only on him. His taste, his touch, his scent. Everything . Momentarily forcing myself to come back to reality, I focus my gaze on his hand, eagerly leading the tip of my cock to his warm tight hole. And, without warning, he lowers himself. Slowly. Painfully. Deliciously . And I'm unable to do anything else, but stare in awe at where our bodies are now completely intertwined.

He is taking charge and fuck, if I didn't love it that way. I watch him ride me at his own pace, taking in every expression he makes and every angelic sound that comes out of his equally beautiful mouth. Absorbing this moment, locking it away with the other memories I've kept of us.

As he gets close to the edge, I start to match his rhythm. Both of us groaning and stealing each others oxygen; but before I can fill him with my release he pulls himself off me, taking his warmth with him and before I can protest, his lips are around my girth.

Good morning to us.

The brothers have decided to keep the shop closed for today – it's a bank holiday here so most shops are closed anyway. Bernie rang me this morning, telling me he isn't opening just in case I decided to come in. So instead, the two of us have been out in the garden for the last hour. It's nice to have him help me prepare the ground for some new bulbs Bernie had sent me home with from the shop yesterday.

I've decided today, I'm going to give him the letters I continued to write after he told me not to. He deserves to see them, and he deserves even more to know, he still hasn't mentioned anything else about the assessment and I haven't wanted to bring it up to him in case he isn't ready to talk about it.

I'm ready for when that time comes.

However, he needs me.

He's happiest when he's outside in the flowers, so I decide this is the perfect place for me to give him the letters, so he can read them surrounded by the beauty around him.

He has his headphones in, blocking the world out around him. Which I'm used to, it's something he's always done. He looks up often to make sure I'm still there and to remind me he hasn't blocked me out. Even though he's sat listening to music, I notice the hand gesture he's doing at intervals. Him and Tyler have been learning Makaton in the shop, knowing that's how Theo communicates, they want to make sure he's comfortable in the shop so they've both taken an interest in learning after Novah gave Tyler some booklets from school. I had never heard of Makaton before until I heard them speaking about it. I knew about Sign Language, but Makaton is somewhat different. At first, I thought the two of them might have been the same thing, but the more I read the booklets from Novah, the more I realised I was wrong. With Theo struggling with communication, Makaton allows him to be able to communicate in a way that works best for him, while he can still listen to the words being said around him. Whereas, if he struggled with his hearing, Sign Language would have been the better option.

It's heartwarming hearing them talk about the young brothers, especially after Tyler has mentioned how much parts of Theo remind him of Dax at times.

Slowly coming up behind him, I remove one of the earphones from over his ear, I press a kiss to the side of his neck on top of the rose tattoo. "Just going to get us some water," I say, followed by another kiss in the same place. He nods as he places the earphone back over his ear, returning to watching the flowers swaying in the breeze.

Quickly walking into the house, my body starts to fill with nerves.

Will he be mad for keeping the letters from him for so long?

But the nerves quickly start to wash away, with excitement taking over.

I've moved the letters in my metal tin into the bottom drawer in my unit when Dax started to stay over. Thankfully I hid them well enough because he hasn't managed to find them. Reaching for the tin, I carefully take it out and the nerves return slightly, but now they're combined with the excitement.

He's not the only one who sometimes struggles to say the things he feels.

Hesitantly making my way outside, I notice Dax has now moved to the bench underneath the window, and I approach him with leery footsteps. He must sense that I'm walking towards him because like clockwork, he lifts his head up, meeting my eyes with his own.

"I thought you were going to get some water?"

Fuck.

"I'm sorry, I forgot. There's something I actually want to show you instead if that's okay?"

He takes the headphones off completely, giving me his whole attention as he moves over on the bench, creating a space for me to sit down next to him.

"I know how upset you've been about ripping up the letters I wrote to you and the unsent ones you'd written to me. And I'm sorry I haven't told you this any sooner." I take my eyes away from him, staring at the tin on the bench between us, I can feel the goosebumps forming on my skin, I can feel his eyes upon me.

I feel like I'm going to be sick.

"What's in the tin?" he asks in a confused tone.

"Well, you're not the only one who kept writing. I did too. Everyday. Even when you told me not to. I couldn't bring myself to stop. I think it was the only thing that got me through being out there." My voice becomes quieter, I feel it starting to break. The overwhelming feeling of sadness that I felt when I read the letter he wrote telling me not to write back, flushes over me. "I think it's the only thing that helped me survive." My body starts to shake as I feel his hands come to mine. "Breathe with me, sunshine, okay? One… Two… Three." My shoulders start to relax and my body fills with pride as he starts to use the same breathing techniques that I use on him.

He brings my hands to his mouth, gently placing a kiss on my knuckles.

After taking in a deep breath, I carry on speaking. "I couldn't bear the thought of losing you. Really losing you. I didn't want to come home if you weren't there for me to come home too. So I pretended like that last letter didn't exist. I just carried on writing to you like normal. I pretended as though they were being sent, when instead, the guys were placing them into this tin."

I look up, meeting his gaze to see that he's crying. I take his chin with my hand, rubbing the skin with my thumb, catching the tears dropping down his face. I then slowly move in, catching them with my lips instead.

"I'm so fucking sorry, Jae. I don't know what came over me." He trembles. "I didn't mean it. I wish I never wrote it. Please forgive me."

Without a thought, I pull him in, wrapping my arms around him.

"It's okay, we're okay."

"Can I – can I read them?" His bottom lip shakes.

"Yeah, pretty boy, they're yours."

He wipes the remaining tears with the back of his hand, moving to the tin, slowly opening the lid.

His face softens and I notice the difficulty he's holding back not to cry again.

He slowly takes the letters out, carefully selecting one at a time, feeling the paper between his fingers.

"Do you want me to leave you while you read them?"

"No. Can you hold me while I do? Please."

"Anything for you."

I move over, turning myself to face him, allowing him to turn around and lean back into my chest.

Smiling at the words I've just said, because it's the truth. I would do anything for him.